The higher the heel, the closer to God :O)

scent of cedar

New Member
Skotti, just try. A few short weeks ago, I was pretty much destroying myself. husband and I spent the winter in one of the blackest funks you could imagine. Our entire attention was taken by difficult child issues. Right this minute, we are waiting to hear, expecting to hear, something bad. Right now, I don't have my grandchildren here for the first summer, ever. Right now, difficult child's ex is not keeping contact with us. These things would have turned my world black, once upon a time. But, knowing it was possible from reading the experiences of others here on the site, I started exploring ways to heal. Started exploring ways to stay upright through all that was happening, and yet, remain curious, remain present in my own life. Once you do that? You understand that there IS a better way to see yourself and your life. Once you get that? Then I think it is enough to want that for yourself. It will happen almost without your having to do anything. For me, that process was begun through reading, writing, and reciting positives about myself. Next, I became so aware of the negatives I was hurling at myself, continually.

That's where I still am. But I understand a little differently.

It's like we get so used to being sad and tense that we walk around numbed out and defended from everything. Seeing happy families, seeing grandparents with their grandchildren, or hearing about it, used to deflate me, altogether. It would be like someone stuck a pin into a balloon me. I wouldn't have the least bit of control over those feelings. What I've learned is that I was the one doing that to myself. Underneath it all, I was beating myself up, in the nastiest possible words, for having failed. Whether all that turns in on itself to protect the kids from how I feel, I don't know. What I do know is that when I consciously changed my internal dialogue ~ when I did the written exercises suggested in the Bradshaw and Osteen books, when I carefully read and thought about the Brene Brown material...I started to feel better.

The Joel Osteen books, for me, made the most difference.

Brene Brown makes a difference in that she suggests that we stay with, and stay vulnerable to, the negative emotions. It's a little like Eckhardt Tolle assuring us that the pain body cannot stand before our conscious presence.

You can do this, Skotti.

We were never meant to suffer the way we have. We are meant to claim the joy of our lives, too.

But I will say it would be harder to do that with kids home and grandchildren present. This is the first summer husband and I have not had the kids here for two and three months at a time. While I miss them fiercely, I am exploring who I am in a way that I haven't done for years.

Maybe you could try the Osteen material? His books are basically reprints of his sermons. The sermons are available online for free. Listen to one or two. That is where I started feeling a little differently. I caught an Osteen sermon one night when I couldn't sleep. His sermons are like listening to the best therapist you've ever talked to.

You know I wish this for you, Skotti.

I don't love my children or grands any less.

I think I actually love them, more.

I am learning to love them, and myself, happily, from a sunny heart.

:O)

Barbara
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I dont want to say too much and hope you understand. We were hit blindsided. I guess were isnt right...are is better. Not entirely sure how to get our family through this with "nephew". Im going to really borrow things from here for the rest of my family.

As you say, the rest of us do need to work on worrying about ourselves. I have enough problems of my own that I need to put first. My psychiatrist has changed up some medication to hopefully help me lose some of this weight so I can actually get out and walk. I intend to have a long talk with pain doctor looking for something that is good but I dont have to take as often. I may even ask to go down on dose but not sure. I sure wish there was a 24 hour medication.

I am now out looking for a new car which is kinda fun even though its because of a bad reason. Have to laugh because one of the grands told me I have to keep this one clean! Im not known as the tidiest person in the world...lol. Maybe I should attempt to do that but it is so hard on me to move much.

Yesterday we went out to pick out colors for a new roof and got an estimate. Doesnt red sound lovely?
 
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