The I-Told-You-So Look

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by wakeupcall, Jan 24, 2016.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child is twenty. Adopted at birth from a family we knew well. At the time everyone (mostly family) thought, and told us, it was the wrong thing to do. Now with all his difficulties, drama, heartache and sadness....there's the I-told-you-so look and the sighs and the rolling of eyes. Difficult from day one, still difficult, with no maturing in sight. We worked and worked and worked to try to make his life different and productive, to no avail. He's not had a job longer than about two weeks, smokes pot every day and maybe more, sleeps all day and runs all night. He's had five vehicles since the age of seventeen. Yes, at this age I think he could be better, but his father (my ex) is an enabler and will not listen to my pleas. I worry myself almost sick though I've followed this board's advice and I'm not an enabler. I live about ten miles from my ex and our son, pay for nothing except his phone which while on my plan costs $15/mo. I will give him no cash, no presents except Christmas/Birthday, but I do buy him an occasional lunch with me. I SO wanted to prove everyone wrong....that he could be a wonderful human being and loving and fun and respectful and warm and I could be proud. I doubt it' ever going to happen........and I hate the I-Told-You-So look.....and as hard as I try to go on, I'm deeply saddened to have to alienate myself as I do when I have an abundance of love for him.

    Sorry, just needed to vent a little today.....
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ignore the I-Told-You-So. I don't know why they objected so much, but there was no way they or you could have predicted t he outcome.

    "What you think of me is none of my business."

    You did the best you could and something--fate, genetics, environment of peers, etc. did not treat you or him well. It is not your fault. Don't own it.

    None of us have kids to prove something to others, even family. We just want somebody to love and nurture and you did your best. Drop the winning contest with your family members and go on with your life. It is normal he is embracing bio. family since he knows them. That isn't a slam against you either.

    JMO ;)
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    vent away....
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    He's ONLY 20.
    The normal neurotypical male brain doesn't mature until something like age 25 or later. SO for non-typical male kids... it's going to take at least that long.

    Not that a turn-around is guaranteed, but I've seen it happen often enough, and been involved first-hand as well. 25, 26, 27... some of these kids get a real light-bulb moment, decide they want a better life for themselves, and go get it.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You did a very generous and extremely loving thing. You adopted a child. You did it because you wanted to, to love and guide this person, give someone in need a chance, give a child the goodness you have, even against the advice of your people.
    No one knows why our d cs are, as they are.
    No one can predict this outcome.
    So your family said don't do it.
    You did, because you had the right heart and intentions and gave everything in you to raise him.
    No regrets.
    He still has a chance to turn around.

    Things happen, kids grow up and live their lives. Some of them, our d cs, go from one bad choice to the next. It happens.
    It is sad, heart wrenching, horrible and it is life.......but there is always hope.

    Don't be so hard on yourself, you offered your heart, your home and your love.
    You extended your graciousness, against all odds, to give a child a fighting chance.

    Your son is on a path of his choosing.
    It is not what you had imagined for him, and it is hard enough to go through this, added with other peoples judgement, I told you so's, or rolling of the eyes.
    Eye rolling is not nice. Don't let it get to you.
    It is none of their business.
    You have already proven everything you needed to, to yourself.
    You adopted a child, loved him the best you could, and now he is living his life, his choices.
    Live your truth.
    Never mind anybody else.

    This is your life, your truth.

    The truth is, you did a good thing.
    You gave a child a chance.

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