The inevitable...arrest warrant has been issued

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WearyMom18, Apr 11, 2015.

  1. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    Got a call from the bail bondsman today letting me know that a warrant has been issued for my daughter for bond jumping and her assault charge that she missed court for this last Wednesday. I knew it was coming.

    The hubs says he will sleep better once she's in jail, he says at least she won't get pregnant and might have a chance at getting clean of she chooses. I tend to agree, I think she needs to go to jail not only to pay her consequences but to forcibly put a stop to her lifestyle at least for a while.

    The bondsman said if I can get an address for her they can send the local police to pick her up and they will send someone to get her snd take her to jail. I have 5 or 6 days to get her locked up or I will be required to pay the full bond. Now that this has come to fruition, I don't care about the money, I want her locked up for her own safety. Granted, jail may not be the thing that prompts her to change but then again it might be.

    This next week on the 15th is her court date for drug possession which I know she won't appear at so that will be yet another warrant. Husband says we should wait until she misses that court date and then see if we can find I out where she is. It stinks to have to try to lure your own daughter somewhere so the cops can arrest her but what choice has she left us?

    I'm still in good spirits today even after hearing from the bondsman. In actually feeling encouraged that maybe soon she will be somewhere that will be relatively safe and might be the thing she needs to get her going in the right direction. Who knows, the choice is hers after all but I can still hope.

    Any advice on how to handle locating and turning your Difficult Child in would be nice to hear about. I am sailing new seas with this one!
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I have no idea! I have been known to knock on strangers' doors, though. Embarrassing, to say the least.
    Any mutual friends or acquaintances?
    My niece never went to jail ... she talked the police out of it several times. She must have an Irish rainbow over her shoulder.
    Her exbf went to fed prison, though.
    I think that's one of the reasons she finally made it through rehab ... on the fourth try.
    I truly hope that this works for your daughter.
    And I hope you find her so you don't have to pay the bond. Ugh.
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I don't know the answer to your question, Weary. I wanted you to know one of us was here.

    Others of us will be along soon.

  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Call back the guy she is staying with.
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Well, like you said, you knew this was coming. The sooner she is picked up the better. If it were me, I would assist the police in locating her.

    I know how it feels as I had to call the police on my son a couple of times.

    While being locked up she will be "forced" to stay clean and sober and I know that will give you peace of mind but I want to caution you that when she gets released she may relapse. I went through this with my son every time he was in jail. He was once in jail for 2 years and I really thought that he would stay clean and sober.
    It is my hope that your daughter will have a better outcome, that she will find within herself the desire to want to make some positive changes in her life.

    While in jail, inmates can have family members put money on their account. They can use the money to purchase snack type food or personal hygiene products. She may or may not ask you to do this. You will also need to think about whether or not you will want to visit her while she's in jail.

    You are really doing great in how you are dealing with this Weary.

    ((HUGS)) to you...............
  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Don't spend too much time trying to find her. That is the work of the law. With her current behavior patterns she'll get picked up for something else soon enough, and then the clock will start ticking on everything else. I hope all you are losing is $750! If it is 10 x that (which it would be here) then yes, call back the numbers she has called from recently and reopen doors to her to track her down. Do what you can to keep her from draining your bank account.

    My Difficult Child is in jail. Its the third time. The other two were short stays. This time he's been in for 6 weeks already and I suspect it will be several months to a few years. He has a good case worker who is working on resources for his eventual release. I feel like he is where he is because of his choices (therefore I feel fine about it) he is safe where he is (therefore I feel fine about it) and maybe just maybe this time he'll do what he can to avoid jail again (therefore I feel faintly hopeful about it). I talk to his PD or caseworker occasionally. I talk to him for 5 minutes most days. I sent him two books, underwear, socks, and $20 for the commissary. Its been pretty simple and not too painful.

    I wish the same for youl

    Hugs in these very very trying times, Weary. May the force be with you.

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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know this sounds unorthodox, but I'd just let it go. You don't have to lure her back for her to get arrested. That's not your job. That's on the cops. The more she hides, the more trouble she'll be in, but I wouldn't pay for her to miss her hearing. Whatever will that do for her that will make her a better person?

    We all do things differently. If it were me, the money, which we did not have anyway to blow, would not be on the table. And tricking my kid into coming home just to be her age I'd let her face the consequences of running from the cops. If you are thinking, "But she may straighten out and this will make her look bad" you are right. She is making herself look bad. However, there are programs to help felons get jobs and she is nowhere near straightening out.

    Of course every decision is 100% up to the parents, but I don't pesonally think we help them when we help them. They tend to do the same things over and over again with the expectation that Daddy and Mommy will fix it. They are more apt, in my opinion only, to think twice about doing something crazy like running from the cops if there is nobody to soften the edges of their behavior. Plus I don't know that I'd want to be a part of getting my kid arrested, unless that kid had committed murder. The eternal "You tricked me into going to prison..." is it worth it?
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh....sorry. I see you have already committed to the whole bond if she runs off.

    Well, that's sad and I'm very sorry. But we all are on a learning curve.

    I wish you luck.
  9. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    I'm sorry you're being put in this situation. I've read some posts on here about how sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

    Are you sure that all you stand to lose is $750? If that's the case and you can afford it, you might just want to step back and let things unfold. This isn't something you can fix. Even if you could, she needs to experience the consequences of her actions.

    If you know where she is, let the police know, but I would think about actively tricking her into going someplace so she can be arrested. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, but think about it first.

    In the Substance Abuse forum read the threads by Patriots Girl and you'll see that this could (not a guarantee at all) be just what you all need.
  10. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    I don't want to trick my daughter but I do want her in jail. I honestly don't want to expend the energy and stress myself out to set up some kind of trap because I would rather have her picked up for doing something else so she gets the full effect of how her actions affect her.
    This wasn't my initial reaction though, I thought at first I would try to get her arrested to save the money. The total bond was $750.00. I only had to pay $75.00 to get her out back in November so whole it's not chump change, it's an amount I can lose and not go without food, lol.
    I am anxious for her to be picked up, obviously the sooner the better with her addiction being the worst it's ever been but I think I am going to wait and see if she goes to court on wednesday for the possession charge and if not she will have that warrant out. Then, at least I will know it's just a matter of time before she spends some real time behind bars and clean and sober.

    There's nothing good about any of this and this is yet another painful event I have to deal with because my child has decided to go about life the hard way. I'm angry with her that she's just let it all go and continues to jave no regard for anyone but herself.

    I selfishly want her to be locked up so I can sleep better at night and not worry 24/7 about her well being. I don't know of that's wrong to feel that way but it's the way I feel. I am worrying about myself for once so to heck with it, let her go to jail and finally see that what we tried to tell her a zillion times is actually happening!

    She has always said that if she has to stay in jail longer than a couple of days she will kill herself. I honestly have no real fear of this because I know it's a ploy to tug at my heart that is not effective anymore.

    All I can do now is not get myself worked up and stressed out because it solves nothing and makes my life a living hell.

    All of your caring responses are very appreciated. The varying points of view comfirms the fact that there is no right or wrong path to take, it's all a gray area. We are all dealing with varying degrees of addiction, dysfunction, pain and difficulty with our own children and despite all of that we are finding ways to survive it and live a happy life for ourselves. I'm so encouraged by that, even when I am slapped with another problem. Instead of staying in bed and crying I'm LIVING. The dominos will fall where they will no matter what I do.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you! It is nervewracking. I am so sorry.
    So after Wednesday, she'll have two warrants out?
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I was relieved when my son got locked up. It has been a very peaceful year and I do not look forward to August. It has not been peaceful for him. I have learned to live. I do not want to lose that. He does not like that I am living my life.

    You are so correct when you say that our agonizing over their choices changes nothing.
  13. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    Terry - Yes she will have warrants in two different counties.

    She called me this evening and said she is still staying with the guy that picked her up on the side of the road. He has three children and apparently he had them for a visit this weekend. She sounded sober when we talked and I ask her how she was doing. She said fine but sounded worn down, tired, bummed out, whatever you wanna call it but said she loves me and I told her I love her too. She said they guy was going to teach her how to do drywall so she can work with him. I told her that was good. I asked her if she had any plans for herself and she said to get a job and try to stay with him since she doesn't have anywhere else to go. She wasn't asking for anything but mentioned she really needed a cell phone. She said she wasn't asking for one but that she was going to try to work and buy a prepaid one. I told her that was a good plan.

    She said she loves me again, I reciprocated and we ended the call.

    I said nothing about the warrant. I couldn't bring myself to tell her because I didn't want to upset her. That's the honest truth. I justify not telling her too because I have told her a million times about her court dates and helped her plan on being there and even taking her there and I am no longer going to do any of that for her. The day before court I had taken off work and reserved a hotel room to take her and instead she was high on meth and never showed up and never even called me so that part of me wants this to be a lesson to her. This is what happens when you don't take care of responsibilities and make good choices. I also want her to go to jail on her own, not because of something I manufacture.

    I just want her to get her life together and I don't know if she's even mature or knowledgeable enough to do that at 18 but I have no choice but to let it play out.

    What will be will be, I just pray for her safety, health and well-being.
  14. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    I posted bail for my son. Once. Never again. I'm in the same boat as far as wishing my son would get arrested and go to jail. I sleep a lot better knowing where he is and it would give him yet another chance to sober up and rethink his lifestyle. Bottom line, I need the rest! I hope you won't be out too much $. I lost $1,000. What was I thinking? That's s lot of money for me. Time for us to look out after ourselves.
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    If you can afford the $750 then let the chips fall where they may. Dont try to set her up. As has been said before, that could make her angry with you for a long time.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I so agree with this. The first time, I could not even fathom that this could be true. Jail just had to be the worst place in the world. I don't believe, today, that it is. By the eighth or ninth time, I was hoping for him to be arrested, so I could rest and so he could have some safety from his life.

    One person on this forum said it well for me: Jail is the best rehab there is.

    I agree with this. If you know a place and time where she is and will be, call the detective/the person you know to go there and pick her up.

    One time I put my son on a bus to get him back here for a court date (after he was kicked out of rehab twice and lived on the street for a while, twice). Once I knew he was on the bus from the other city, I called the detective and told him when the bus would arrive. He met the bus and took him to jail.

    Otherwise, he would have been back on the street for another four or five days until the court date.

    I was already way, way past the point of having any qualms about turning him in. I knew jail was safer than the life he was living on the street, and at that point, I just hoped he could stay alive. It gets real clear and simple sometimes on this journey.

    Hang in there. Perhaps this is a turning point for her.
  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    No, it's not wrong to feel this way. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe in your own home, to be able to lay your head down at night and not have to sleep with one eye open.
    I think it makes us feel bad because it's our child that we are having these feelings about but if it were a stranger that was causing such chaos and turmoil in our lives we not think twice about it.

    I was always very relieved when my son was locked up.

    A very sad memory for me is when my mom called me one year to wish me a happy birthday and I told her my son was on the run again. She said "you don't think he'll try to break into our house do you?" That was on of the last conversations I had with my mom, she passed away a month later.

    Again, it's not wrong to want to feel safe and be able to sleep.

    Let us know if she shows up for the next court date.
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  18. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    you don't have to justify anything. You did what seemed right to you , that is enough. It seems right to me too. One of the best things I ever did to my personal relationships was to stop being the bearer of bad tidings, especially if they could reasonably be known by the recipient some other way, or if they would certainly be delivered by another route. Why put myself in that position? Your daughter knows there is some sort of consequence to not showing up in court, I am sure. She can figure out what that consequence is if she cares to. Why do you have to the mediator? You don;t. You shouldn't. I think you did the right thing.

    Whenever I open my mouth to alert those around me to some bad news...I pause. I I have to be the one to tell them this, do I have to be the vehicle of delivery? If the answer is no...then I stop. I feel better for it. Those around me see me as less negative. Of course if it would help them or change things signicantly I would reconsider...but mostly it makes no difference, and this way I remove myself from the negativity, and I never get caught in the crossfire.

    This is a situation of her creating, in her control and only in her control from the first crime to the court avoidance to now. You can't make her do anything (duh!). Stay out of it.

    Its great that you tell her you love her, and that she says it back. A gift to both of you.


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