The Job Didn't Work Out - Again!

[DaisyFace]

On February 27, I posted about difficult child getting offered her old job back. She had worked for a few weeks over the summer, for whatever reason it didn't go well and she stopped working. Then out of the blue, the boss called and asked her to come back...

And now it looks like the job is over. Again.

I'm not sure what happened. Last week, I had absolutely gushed over her, telling her how proud I was about how responsible she was handling this job. And she came back with "Well, I have to warn you - I think I'm getting fired."

Since she works the after school shift, she is largely responsible for cleaning up. Tables wiped, floors swept, trash taken out (that sort of thing) plus refilling and restocking supplies for the next morning. difficult child says the boss has been mad at her because she keeps "forgetting" and "can't remember"...

Yesterday, she came home from work and said nothing. Didn't seem the slightest bit upset (very UN-difficult child like). I asked her when she was working next and she says the boss is mad at her so she is not going to be scheduled any more. She's not 'fired'....he just said he's not putting up with it any more....and that's that.

What? What does that mean?

Well, that was all the explanation she came up with. "He's not putting up with it any more".

But she says she'll call him later in the week and see if she is scheduled for the weekend...

This is another one of those times I'd like to be a fly on the wall to see what really happened. The difficult child version of things always leaves me confused.

I think she is out of a job - but intends to humor me for awhile by telling me she's calling to check the schedule.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

This sounds like something both difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 would do, just give part of the truth, leave lots of details out, and hope that the rest of it never surfaces. In this case I hope you're wrong, but I agree with you, it does sound like your difficult child is out of a job. Keeping my fingers crossed we're both wrong... SFR

 

[AnnieO]

Yup. a "piece" of the story. And not even a very big one.

FWIW, I'd go to the restaurant (that IS what it is, right?) and speak to the manager. Just ask - "difficult child said she wasn't sure if she was going to be scheduled again. What am I missing?"

Helicopter parent? Perhaps - but in this case - necessary. She will be angry. Too bad.

 

[DaisyFace]

FWIW, I'd go to the restaurant (that IS what it is, right?) and speak to the manager. Just ask - "difficult child said she wasn't sure if she was going to be scheduled again. What am I missing?"

Helicopter parent? Perhaps - but in this case - necessary. She will be angry. Too bad.

Yeah, that is what husband wants to do. (Only I'm sure *his* version is more like storm on over there and have a word with this guy!) But I think parents should stay out of their children's employment. It might be different if this was a friend of ours who had given her the job or something like that. But difficult child filled out an application and interviewed for the job just like everybody else (the first time around anyway). She went through the training just like everybody else. And if she's not doing the work, then the boss is well within his rights to "not schedule her"...

He doesn't need to be confronted by a parent who only heard part of the story.

Yes - I'd LOVE to know what really happened....but then again, there's a LOT of stuff that difficult child does that I'll never know. The stuff I *do* know about is bad enough...

 

[InsaneCdn]

DF... YOU (not husband) need to find out. Because... it may provide KEY data that you need. My take? She may have APDs on TOP of the Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD)... and that she isn't "getting" the message, literally. APDs come off as "attitude", especially if the kid is older and the Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) has not been caught and accommodated for years... We went through this with teachers. "I told him a hundred times..." - if you tell once and it doesn't get through, WRITE IT DOWN. Have a working plan. Do things differently. Maybe the key problems really are NOT attitude, but rather, a hidden problem (that you aren't getting help for).... but if you can get "real" data from an outside source, it helps your case. And difficult child isn't going to give that to you... because SHE doesn't actually KNOW what is going wrong or why.

FWIW... we paid for our own Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) and Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluations... and the Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) evaluation was NOT all that expensive. It doesn't provide the diagnosis, but... Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) strongly recommended full testing for APDs based on her screening...

 

[DaisyFace]

Insane--

I agree with you in that there IS something going on with difficult child along the lines of an Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)....but the difficult part of treating it is getting difficult child to "buy into" the fact that she needs the assistance. When she was younger, we had a plan implemented with the teachers at school to provide visual supports, written instructions and things like that during class for the Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD).
difficult child flat-out REFUSED to cooperate....even going out of her way to ERASE the teacher's written instructions so as to be able to claim, once again, that she "forgot".

It's maddening!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Yes, it IS maddening. Our experience? We had to get 7 dxes to even get close to the full picture. And that was a few years sooner than your difficult child... SEVEN dxes. Until we got the last of them... we got nowhere.

The maddening part to me is... that you get NO SERVICES from anywhere. THAT is the worst part. Every body loses - including society as a whole. <now now, got off that soapbox!>

 

[DaisyFace]

The maddening part to me is... that you get NO SERVICES from anywhere. THAT is the worst part. Every body loses - including society as a whole. <now now, got off that soapbox!>

Don't EVEN get me started!!!!

 

[InsaneCdn]

p.s. part of the problem? They are working around "peers" (whether at school or on a job)... and they already are at the butt-end of lots of peer negativity, and don't want MORE of it. And yes, the kids really ARE that mean. So "our" kids do NOT want to be any more different than they are.... which makes things worse.

She needs a job that involves nobody even CLOSE to her own age, for starters. <sigh> And how to find THAT in this kind of economy?!

 

[buddy]

Sorry DF, would be great if she could get some work experience under her belt. If she actually gets fired, that might be the time to ask on the down low if they can share any information (may not legally be able to, but doubt they really care about that) so that you can help your daughter develop skills. If you think it would even help that is. I doubt going in and having an angry talk with the guy would help anything (I can see how husband would want to if in daddy mode though)....but who knows what it is, work habits? socially inappropriate talk at work? who knows....but as you said, if she refuses any therapy then that wont work for now...but it may help some day in the future when she realizes she really has to support herself and decides to get help. (my neighbor and former student hated his hearing aids, now he has been graduated for three years and he just last summer decided he would get new ones because maybe it would be helpful after all..... can't always have an interpreter around and just can be a little more independent with them....it was HIS decision though after parents just hanging back and letting him lose car wash job after car wash job....not what he wants to do with his life...and he has a ton of ability and many strengths... it has been fun to watch him grow into those kinds of decisions). Do you think she will ever get to a point like that or will she need support as an adult?

 

[confuzzled]

sounds like she needs a job coach. i actually dont think she's completely lying about "forgetting"...for whatever reason, there may be too many tasks, too many distractions, unclear instructions that most people would still understand, etc.

i forget if she's on an IEP--if she is, she's of transition age and that is a reasonable thing to have as part of the plan--even if she volunteers somewhere.

or better yet, i'd propose it as a goal to the ms-ally-nutbar team you are stuck with and ask them how they can go about including someone to shadow her and to explore career options--that actually might be easier to come across then a qualified behavioral therapist with a license who can actually get to your house.

 

[InsaneCdn]

DF... just my take (as usual), but.. IF you manage to get another BT and she's half-decent... the job-coaching thing just might be a good idea. In that light, it makes even more sense to touch base with difficult child's boss, and get the other side of the story, and "lightly" explore options like a job-coach - at no cost to the boss, of course.

Heard any more word back on the new "new" BT?
That's probably another story.

 

[DaisyFace]

i actually dont think she's completely lying about "forgetting"...for whatever reason, there may be too many tasks, too many distractions, unclear instructions that most people would still understand, etc.

Confuzzled--

Yeah, there is something more to the "forgetting", I'm sure...

I don't think she actually forgets - but that is the way she has gotten accustomed to explaining why things don't get done. I think she uses "forget" partly because it is an excuse that lets her off the hook. difficult child why didn't you _____? I forgot. Oh, OK.

Eventually, though - the "I forgot" excuse wears thin and then she changes tactics. At home, for example, we no longer accept "I forgot" - so what we get instead is a logical reason why she doesn't need to do whatever it is.

She used "I forgot" so much with the therapist and psychiatrist that they began to look into the possibility that difficult child had serious memory issues. difficult child quickly dropped "I forgot" and now just argues with the therapist about why the therapist is wrong.

At school - "I forgot" still seems to be working...

But at the job? My suspicion based upon what I have been able to gather from her stories is that she "forgot" a lot when she worked there over the summer.

This time around? I think difficult child is no longer using "I forgot". One story she told us involves taking out the garbage. Yes, this is a restaurant - so this is food garbage. It is her job to take out the garbage as part of cleaning up. The boss was getting angry at her because she kept 'forgetting'. So then one night when she didn't take out the trash, she left him a note explaining that she didn't have a chance to do it. I imagine his reaction when he arrived to open the next morning and walked in to smell last night's trash, see the full can, and then find a note explaining why it couldn't be done. I'm sure he was furious!

So something is happening in her brain that is interfering with her ability to complete simple tasks. I don't think it's truly "forgetting" - but there does seem to be a disconnect somewhere.

 

[Methuselah]

Daisy, your daughter "forgets" as a way to get out of something she doesn't want to do. It is highly unlikely something else is going on. It is deliberate tactic on her part. It is a "go to" move for her, because it has worked so well in the past, at home and school. In the working world, that tactic fails. That's why people with personality disorders, like your daughter, have trouble keeping a job. This is a HUGE life lesson your daughter needs to learn: if you don't do what your boss is paying you to do, they will fire you and find someone else who will. That's reality. It's interesting, by the way, your daughter doesn't forget to write a note to cover her "forgetfulness" about the trash. She also has time to write the note but doesn't have time to take out the trash? This isn't forgetfulness or a thought process disorder. This is an underhanded way for her to get out of doing what she is being paid to do.

Daisy, I read your notes and it is me a few years ago. Hunting and hunting for any reason my daughter is the way she is. Something other than that's what she chooses to be. I understand. I SO understand. Believe me.

 

[InsaneCdn]

DF... that would have been me, with the trash and the note, at that age - and I wasn't anywhere near the difficult child your daughter is... Reason? Sensory. I really could NOT handle the smell. Of course, nobody believes that.
It does make the employment situation tricky... but there are answers.

 

[DaisyFace]

Daisy, your daughter "forgets" as a way to get out of something she doesn't want to do. It is highly unlikely something else is going on. It is deliberate tactic on her part. It is a "go to" move for her, because it has worked so well in the past, at home and school. In the working world, that tactic fails. That's why people with personality disorders, like your daughter, have trouble keeping a job. This is a HUGE life lesson your daughter needs to learn: if you don't do what your boss is paying you to do, they will fire you and find someone else who will. That's reality. It's interesting, by the way, your daughter doesn't forget to write a note to cover her "forgetfulness" about the trash. She also has time to write the note but doesn't have time to take out the trash? This isn't forgetfulness or a thought process disorder. This is an underhanded way for her to get out of doing what she is being paid to do.

It is awfully hard to explain away the fact that she had time to write a note - but did not have time to take out the trash. She has the ability to take out the trash at home...

Daisy, I read your notes and it is me a few years ago. Hunting and hunting for any reason my daughter is the way she is. Something other than that's what she chooses to be. I understand. I SO understand. Believe me.

That's because it is so much easier for our Mommy hearts to believe that there is a boo-boo we can fix and make better.

 

[InsaneCdn]

DF - you have to make the Mommy-gut call. Deliberate manipulation? or hidden issues and unmet needs? Because, it makes a huge difference on how you respond...

When our difficult child was at his worst, everybody else was telling us that we needed to get really tough, that he was just playing for sympathy, etc. It didn't add up, to us as parents. So... we found our own road. Paid majorly in many ways to even get the right to go down that road. Now? WE were right, and they (school and medical) were wrong. But... the problem WAS... unmet needs, missed dxes...

 

[DaisyFace]

DF - you have to make the Mommy-gut call. Deliberate manipulation? or hidden issues and unmet needs? Because, it makes a huge difference on how you respond...

You know, I feel like I've been punched in the Mommy-gut so many times over this kid - I really don't have any idea any more. I've only learned how to react to her. I know she will tell me lies - so I've stopped asking questions. I've learned that she's unmotivated - so I've dropped my expectations. I've learned that she does not think the way a typical person might - so I am working on accepting that.

As far as whether there might be an underlying diagnosis that's been missed all these years? While it's possible, I'm not sure it matters any more. difficult child is not impaired enough to qualify for any kind of disability or other assistance once she turns 18....and she's going to have to find a way of being in the world that allows her to survive. husband and I plan to do all we can to prepare her for the real world - whether she chooses to implement any of the strategies she is taught is ultimately up to her.

 

[DaisyFace]

UPDATE:

Well, well, well....

difficult child was off for a few days - and she called in to 'check the schedule' like she told me she would....and the boss decided to give her another chance.

Because it is Spring Break this week, the boss has scheduled difficult child to work the day shift with him. And he is re-training her and pointing out all the things she needs to correct. AND because she is showing up when he first opens the restaurant in the morning, she is suddenly faced with the problem a lousy clean-up can cause. The boss is having her re-do anything the night crew misses. So if they "forgot" to take out the trash at night? difficult child gets to do it the next morning. If counters aren't wiped or floors aren't swept? difficult child gets to do it. And she was scrambling the other morning to re-stock everything that hadn't been filled the previous night.

difficult child had been complaining about what a jerk her boss was...

but after this? I think I LOVE him!

This is BRILLIANT! and a great learning experience for difficult child!!!

 

[AnnieO]

oh this is AWESOME!!!

I bet the boss had a clue to begin with...