the last few years

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by rita, Nov 27, 2012.

  1. rita

    rita Member

    So here I am back again..thank god you are all still here but wish it wasn't so. Read from time to time over the years and often recommend board to patients for resources will try a quick timeline to get up to date

    2007 &2008 difficult child finally quits using drugs when baby daughter is born/gets on track in his "difficult child" fashion albeit without the added issues of substance abuse. Last use night before her birth. husband retires
    2009 Me lose 20 year job plant closure.husband relapses to use after 17 years sobriety/difficult child moves home to help
    mid 2009 husband goes to rehab. I begin school again for 3rd college degree
    late 2009 no improvement I leave home get new home without husband but continue relationship with visits daily conversations etc. cannot seem to move on with life. Co-dependancy disease better but not gone
    2010 baby girl turns 2 find out "granddaughter" actually not blood this via text message received while on way to one of my best friends funerals. Still in turmoil J (difficult child) devastated child not his child lives with us shared custody. Family , everyone us, great grandparents, cousins aunts uncles thrown into chaos with update of childs birth line. New (found) father and J physical altercation. Mother knew truth all along, J robbed of daughter bio dad robbed of over two years of childs life. Family confab ties cut outcome as no legal rights. J does not relapse
    2010 husband falls further into the abyss. Police find in ditch on road one day, no id. Me on a placement for school get call husband being helicoptered to Detroit for immediate surgery
    April 2010 days turn to weeks hospital husband on life support brain tumors back, say last words and then just watch as he is kept artificially alive
    May 2010 hospital wants decision "Good Lord" no not again, faced this once before do not feel I have the parts to do again. Overwhelmed difficult child a damn rock takes care of husband street mess, helps in every way. Issues with border crossingdue to record finally allowed as father dieing last wish. We arrive husband passes hours later
    May 2010 too many decisions cannot focus or think, difficult child remains a rock writes eulogy and covers every step with me of aftermath
    June July passed in a haze of tears and guilt difficult child keeps life running . Mom breaks down
    Aug 2010 Mom brings husband to his final resting place our pact our promise to each other. Miles aways sailing from Grenada find the island in the sun he desired. Say our goodbyes
    Sept 2010 return to school for final year some how get grades to receive Deans Honor. Still feeling scrambled, join bereavment group.we pull each other through. difficult child remains rock helpful and reliable all the way
    Easter 2011 comes, family dinner one of our firsts holidays.devastation. phone rings. difficult child's best friend attacked while serving a prison sentence stabbed 47 times on life support. Being taken off once family arrives.
    devastation again, not another loss
    Mom goes away for weekend needs to regroup, while gone phone call comes difficult child best friend not going to make it after all. difficult child goes out roaring drunk gets into a physical altercation at a bar.All anger of last two years comes out.
    2 weeks later police in driveway, handcuffed with whole neighborhood watching, difficult child taken to jail.
    The wait is on court dates come and go remand, remand they want federal time.
    Finally released on bail.
    2011 mom keeps going focusing on school keeps focus off of chaos surrounding life.Mom meets another widower at a support group agrees to a date. Seriously good to share devastation of loss with another as friends don't want to hear it think should be "over it". It is our first shared activity and how our relationship started.
    2011 difficult child remains clean and sober, best friend amazingly pulls through off life support but still incarcerated
    Friend hangs on against all odd survives attack and after months of hospitalization is taken back to prison.
    2011 Mom graduates, feels like a very hollow victory, Deans award but of no importance everything and everyone in life seems to be gone from me
    2011 start new job-counselling addicts- lord knows I have an education in that and it did not just take place in college
    2012 discovery, disclosure all done, down to famous final scene. Court. difficult child devastated witnessing his actions caught on film horrified at act. Sentence comes down. Thank god and the lawyer provincial time only. difficult child taken from court in cuffs shakles to prison.

    2012 months in prison, Mom never visits after first one. Attend jail difficult child two black eyes so swollen cannot see tells me he slipped. Mom cannot bear another visit , phone calls expensive as they are happen frequently but cannot take losing another loved one.
    August 2012 drive with difficult child's other 1/2 and boyfriend to prison hours away. Standing by gate waiting, waiting. difficult child comes out of doors
    the nightmare is over.
    Sept relative quiet/J reports health issues sent to specialist
    Oct J (difficult child) told possible cancer surgery scheduled
    Nov take sis (parapalegic) first vacation in 15 years (arranged months before) stressful at first but so worth it in the end. Turn 51 toast life.
    arrive home something wrong with difficult child
    last two weeks difficult child withdrawn, unavailable ----the truth comes out relapsed 3 weeks now thousands of dollars
    there are no words. It is all on the table. Talk all night. difficult child leaves with girlfriend who still stays with him?
    Me spinning, mom has no one left who could possibly understand this nightmare or listen without passing judgement . Mom comes home, here. She needs a SOFT PLACE TO LAND...
    whew whoever made it through this book, that is the highlights thoughts, suggestions, prayers any and all offerings gratefully ever I long for it....
    peace rita
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Tons of (((HUGS)))) Prayers for peace in your life.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You are right on target.........coming home. Tonight I have no wisdom but some of the family will reach out soon. At the moment all I can say is that some of us have had so many years of turmoil and fear and pain that we understand. It is a wise choice to turn to your "soft place to land" because here we all want to offer support, encouragement and warm caring hugs. DDD
  4. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I read....haven't been there done that...but I can listen and I can offer shoulders and ears and what ever else I can in time! (hugs)
  5. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Hi Rita. It has been a long time. You've been on quiet the roller coaster ride there. No, there's no other place that has even an inkling of our lives. Glad you found your way back. :)
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I offer you prayers for continued strength. You have been through an incredible amount of loss and change...and yet you survive. I am glad you found your way back here. It IS a soft place to land.
    You'll be okay Rita. You are amongst friends who understand all the pain and turmoil.

    Much love to you,
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh my ... I have no words...just a big hug. I am here about 15 months, and we haven't met. I am so sorry to read of your troubles - a deluge of rain - in 4 short years of your life. I am so sorry you had to find the board again. Please know we're here, and we care.

    Keep posting, we will be listening. :Grouphug:
  8. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Rita, you have been through so so much. I haven't been there done that, but I can offer you a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen, and a hug any time you need it. You were right to come back here to the board -- it is the "family" that is always there for you.
    Love, Esther
  9. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Many (((HUGS))) and tears. May you find some comfort soon.

    Love, Lia
  10. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Just can only say omg Rita and send you tons of cyber hugs and positive thoughts. You have been thru the wringer and back again. I am just amazed by the strength you have shown to get thru some dark times, and the strength J has shown as well, despite his latest setback. In some weird way I understand his imploding and going back to using - the cancer being the final straw I guess after all that has passed. Something to ease the pain, but we all know that is a temporary fix to erase all that has gone down. He just has so much anger and hurt and now is probably extremely scared. I hope he can get some counceling to deal with all of this.

    You are one amazing woman. It will take a while for all to regain their footing and find your joy again. In the meantime maybe some counceling for you as well

  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Rita. I did read through your post last night but was so exhausted I couldn't reply. It's good to come home every once in a while although I'm sad you've been through so much these past years. I don't know why some must shoulder so much and you certainly have had your share of pain but you are a survivor and what I always admired about you was your ability to bounce back with grace and courage.

    I wish we had had this forum when you were around years ago. Drugs and alcohol do horrible things to a person and their family and loved ones. I always suspected I would be facing this issue with my difficult child when I first joined in 1998 and I grew up in an alcoholic family but nothing prepared me for this.

    I'm glad to see you back.

    Last edited: Nov 28, 2012
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Rita, so much pain. Like Marcie I sorta understand where J is coming from. Hopefully he will get his feet back under him soon.

    Please keep posting, you are back home with family who care deeply. We may not have been through the exact same things but we care.
  13. rita

    rita Member

    Oh my gosh thanks all I clicked on this see all your love and caring. I so appreciate it. Things so tough. J no use since the meltdown on Monday. States he is not going there again. He & I will work. Back to addiction counselling today for him ( not moms office) I thank you all so much for your warm welcome back I cannot tell you how much it means
    peace rita
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh my goodness. Hi - I am Michelle and it is nice to meet you. I am so very sorry to hear of all you have been through. Unbelievable. :( Prayers going out to you and yours!!
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Rita, I joined in 2007 and do remember you, although I was very new and still mostly lurking when you were around before. I am so sorry for your loss and heartbreak and pain.
    And yes, coming home, here, makes total sense. Welcome back. Many hugs to you.

  16. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Oh Rita, I am speechless....

    You need an enormous soft place to fall. I am in awe of your strength to live through all this.

    Congrats on your degree and honors and new job. I bet you are AMAZING!!!

    You are in my prayers...asking God to send you His comfort and peace.
  17. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Rita, OMG, you have certainly been dealt way more than your share. We went through some tough times together back in the day and I had hoped your life had settled down. I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss of husband, and that he had relapsed toward the end. As for J, it was so good to hear how he was there for you and husband, how he has been such a rock through all this. His relapse ... well, I'm sure it's heartbreaking. As an addict's mom, I can totally relate, as I don't think we ever stop worrying that a relapse could be coming. You have been such a rock and a warrior mom and have shouldered so much. Huge cyber hugs to you, my friend, and know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that J can get back on the right path. I am not around like I was, but this has always been and still is such a soft place to land, and you always know you are amongst friends and family here.

    Again, sending hope and hugs your way.
  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Rita, well that was an emotional journey you have been through. Glad you shared with us. I hope we can keep you going strong....or maybe with the strength you must have you will hold us up.....welcome home!
  19. addie

    addie New Member

    Hi again, and thanks for bringing us up to date on your turbulent life!

    *** what is happening re the cancer surgery?

    and congratulations to you on beginning a whole new career. That is really something. You loved what you did before and were so good at it, and dedicated to it. I know you will now throw yourself wholeheartedly into this new life.

    i am learning there is love, and there is attachment. Love is wonderful, total patient acceptance. But attachments cause suffering. It's hard to explain but it's sort of letting go, while still loving.

    Jess was here the other night and spoke quite openly about her love of marijuana. She also told of two violent incidents recently, then said (and the thing is she believes it) that she doesn't need anger management.

    i found I could love her and not react to the rest of it. I have found peace, re her. Maybe it's when they are adults? We still help her out, but never, ever with money.

    i am wondering, can you not have expectations of J? Because YOU get hurt, each time.

    i am so sorry about husband.

    isnt it wnderful that this board is here, after all this time, and we can always come back to it and find so many old friends? I was SO thankful when, like you, I needed to return.
    many, many thanks to those who maintain this soft place to land. You are much needed.

    i wish you peace, Rita! This has been an awful time for you, and I am sorry it has happened to you. What a strong person you are, though I am sure you don't feel like it some days. Hang in there, friend!
  20. rita

    rita Member

    Hi Addie , yes I have many expectations of J more than you can imagine, good, bad, right or wrong for the meanwhile it is what it is. He has shown growth and strength in spite of everything the last few years and the relapse made me nutz. Financially things went to hell in a handbasket when husband passed and bottom line is all the precautions and planning husband and I had taken care to do were for naught, leaving me in a terrible financial position. I guess you cannot plan for every situation no matter how careful you are. J is responsible for 1/2 the financial load here in the house and until it sells we are here together. Tried some roomates and truly do not want to go that route again. He is going back to addiction counselling his idea and has kept his word about not using. We have discussed at length relapse and what the triggers, emotional state were and what coping skills could he have employed to avoid this. Alll I can be at this point is a sounding board.You are right we are attached; once again it might not be the healthiest way to live but we have each other and it is what it is. I could not mentally survive another loss. Interesting to hear about Jess and am wondering about Chrissy how is she? Quite amazing for me to see so many here still Ephchap, Janet, Nancy,Abby and so many others that is wonderful and I am so glad. I have to do searching and catch up on the current situation of all. Joes mom does anyone ever hear from her still, never saw her name in my quick look. Often wondered how Ant made out. Hope I can add here, for our area Heroin is currently making a huge return and everyday our client list grows. Addiction is the cruelest disease, other diseases may rob you physically, devastate you emotionally, and psychologically affect you in ways unimaginable but no other disease robs your very soul and allows one to compromise ones own core values.
    peace rita