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<blockquote data-quote="Running_for_the_shelter" data-source="post: 414151" data-attributes="member: 2960"><p>My deepest sympathy.</p><p></p><p>Although every family situation is unique, I do see some things in common with my own experience. My father died last year. I didn't get there in time for his last moments, but his mind had been going for a few years. There was a lot of unresolved baggage and I had realized some years ago that there would BE no resolution. He didn't remember the same things I remembered and his ego was fragile enough that everything had to be someone else's fault and not his. His life path had been such that, regardless of potential, he did not end up being the father and person the loving little boy of eighty years ago could have been. I did have a few minutes alone at the casket and I cried for that little boy rather than the father of my childhood.</p><p></p><p>Your father's inability to express value for you as a person and a daughter is not a reflection on your worth. It is hard not to "take it personally" when you're the person who needed validation and love and didn't get it. But still, it was his failing and not yours. It took me many years to get to that understanding and I sincerely hope it does not take you as long. Please don't torture yourself with "what could/should have been" and "if only I had" thoughts. You can't see the past that didn't happen any more than you can see the future. </p><p></p><p>Grief is a uniquely personal thing and it has a thousand ways to manifest itself. Be gentle with yourself. My prayers and much love..</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Running_for_the_shelter, post: 414151, member: 2960"] My deepest sympathy. Although every family situation is unique, I do see some things in common with my own experience. My father died last year. I didn't get there in time for his last moments, but his mind had been going for a few years. There was a lot of unresolved baggage and I had realized some years ago that there would BE no resolution. He didn't remember the same things I remembered and his ego was fragile enough that everything had to be someone else's fault and not his. His life path had been such that, regardless of potential, he did not end up being the father and person the loving little boy of eighty years ago could have been. I did have a few minutes alone at the casket and I cried for that little boy rather than the father of my childhood. Your father's inability to express value for you as a person and a daughter is not a reflection on your worth. It is hard not to "take it personally" when you're the person who needed validation and love and didn't get it. But still, it was his failing and not yours. It took me many years to get to that understanding and I sincerely hope it does not take you as long. Please don't torture yourself with "what could/should have been" and "if only I had" thoughts. You can't see the past that didn't happen any more than you can see the future. Grief is a uniquely personal thing and it has a thousand ways to manifest itself. Be gentle with yourself. My prayers and much love.. [/QUOTE]
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