The latest...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jan 11, 2012.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    So I was expecting a text from my son today asking me to reload the grocery card. I had decided I would put a little on for the next couple of days until he hopefully gets back to the sober house. I want him to eat (he has no extra fat) and although I want him to learn the tough lessons about being on the street (or on the beach) I don't want to put him in a position where he feels his only way to get food is to steal.. now if he is trying to wait it out until they will take him back.

    So the text I got today was "Don't reload the gift card"... and when I asked why I didn't get a response. So my imagination took off... he must have been arrested (oh then how would he text me), maybe he went back into tx and could text me on the way, maybe he was caught shoplifting and was tresspassed from the store.... you get the picture.

    He finally did text me back and the most obvious answer was the right one which is he lost his wallet!!! my imagination really is sometimes worse than reality!

    So I ended up calling the store, and helped him get a new gift card which I loaded with what was left on the old one plus a little more. In the process of doing this we had to talk on the phone. He sounded good on the phone, still strong, probably sober (at least he didn't sound high), he sounded alive and well. So that is a relief. And although giving him money on the grocery card may be enabling him a bit I feel likke it is the right thing to do. Giving him a bike or a hotel room would not be, but letting him get some food feels like the right thing.

    Then he texted me and asked me to check the weather for where he is and I did and texted it to him. There is a chance of showers so I Was wondering if he would beg me for a hotel room. He did not he just texted me thank you. So he may get wet tonight.... but it does not sound like a terrible storm.

    Anyway it is such a balancing act between supporting and loving them and not enabling them isn't it?

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you heard from him and he's ok. I would be wondering how he could lose his wallet but not his phone. Did he say anything about going to the sober house Friday? I know what you mean about expecting the worst. I texted difficult child last evening and she didn't answer for about an hour and I was sure she was drunk somewhere since it was her day off. It was a good thing I had a support group meeting last night.

  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    TL, you are a very strong and compassionate mom. I know it was hard to endure that time, wondering what had happened to him, hoping it wasn't the worst, doing all you could to trust him and to trust your Higher Power.

    I totally agree that while it may be a bit enabling, giving him grocery money is not a bad thing. It is so hard to wonder what they are going through, to know they are NOT safe somewhere with a door and a lock between them and the elements and other people. While you could be a stickler to the "every penny we give him is a penny he has for drugs", it probably would push him toward stealing. He has enough problems with-o a theft charge. I doubt I could let my child go with-o food in his situation, esp because he sounds sober, he is NOT out partying as far as you know, and he is trying. He could go steal and probably get a place to stay for a few nights, or steal to get caught so he could sleep in jail. I know addicts who have chosen that rather than to tough it out on the beach or the streets. The storm likely won't kill him and it is awesome that he asked for the weather report, thanked you politely and id NOT ask for a room somewhere. in my opinion that shows growth and taking some level of responsibility.

    It has to be HARD to live on the streets and stay sober. It would be easy to justify alcohol and easy to get it. So far that doesn't seem to be the case and if grocery $ is a reward, well, maybe he has earned it?

    Of course I don't know and haven't walked in your shoes. I do know poeple who have been in your son's shoes and would have broken all sorts of laws with-o any regret BECAUSE they were sleeping on a beach or street or in a squat. They would be the first to tell a store owner that their family was awful, abused them, etc.... because the family wouldn't pay for their lifestyle of sub abuse and nonstop partying.

    You are a great mom and a very compassionate person who knows her son well.
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Susie.... I try to walk that line between being a loving compassionate mom and yet also not enabling. It is a tough line to draw sometimes. I am learning to listen to my own gut... and at least this time with the grocery card I ahd already decided to add to it and today is the day I usually add to it.... He may be breaking laws, I have no idea and I wouldn't put it past him.... and of course he could be using too.... but I have the feeling that he is really hoping to get back into the sober house and if he has Occupational Therapist (OT) stay sober to do it he may do just that.

    It sounds like he found a beach chair on the beach to sleep in where no one is bothering him.

    He did try to contact the guy at the sober house today but he was not working today. I am not sure my difficult child knows exactly when he is going back... I am hoping it is Friday.

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Well since my last post I have gotten some more texts from him...."cant take too much more of this... goingn to get in trouble eventually".... ugh. So I tried to be supportive without jumping in and rescuing him. Mentioned that it is hopefully only 1 or 2 more nights, suggested the salvation army again, even suggested if he is desperate calling the police and seeing if he could sleep in a cell....told him to hang in there.... Made me feel kind of awful and worried as we are off to the night at the hs where they talk about the college app process for our daugther!!! What a way to feel like I am in two different worlds!!!

    Then got a text asking if we still had reservations. I said yes did he still want us to come? He said being homeless is S**** and regardless he wanted to see us. In one way that made me feel good... in another it makes me feel really sad because he is getting pretty low if he really wants to see us and he is letting his guard down. So then i feel sad for him and want to save him.... BUT part of what he needs to get out of this experience is how bad being homeless is and how important family is after all. So I need to let him feel this pain.... but gosh it is hard to do that and i think I may have more trouble sleeping tonight. I really hope he can go back to the sober house tomorrow. And I hope that works out and that he somehow did not just misunderstand the whole thing.

    So I am feeling anxious tonight and I know this is a total ramble.

  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's heartbreaking TL. Being homeless is awful but he does need to feel this pain. It's the only thing that will cause him to change his situation. He may have to crawl back on his hands and knees to the sober house but if that's what it takes to get back there he should do it. There is a good person inside him, he wants to stay connected to you. There is no doubt that he knows you love him.

    My difficult child told me she literally could not stand living with the druggie neighbor anymore and she couldn't go back to walking around the streets looking for a place to sleep and that's when she decided to change her life. Let's hope thatis where he is getting to.

    I know this is very hard on you. Those texts from difficult child were the worse thing ever, but as long as he is in contact with you you know he is safe.

  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Holding you close in my thoughts and in my heart too {hugs}
  9. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    wow, our children put us through he:** don't they. You are a strong and loving mom. Wishing you continuing strength to see this through.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you all for your hugs and thoughts. It helps so much to come here and know you all really understand what i am going through.

    And yes Nancy i think he does know we love him. I dont know if he really understands why we are not recuing him this time but i believe some day he will. And yes his being in contact with us is a good sign. I am also glad we are still paying for his phone...not only because he can call us but soni can check phone records and know he is texting friends and so is alive.

  11. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Wow, toughlovin! You are one Strong mother!

    I am so impressed with the way that you are standing your ground and not enabling your son by helping him. I know that this must be so hard for you, and you have every reason to be worried about how your difficult child is doing on the streets. It is so incredibly difficult not to rescue our kids, when we know that this will really not help them in the long run. You are doing a terrific job! I hope he will be able to get in the sober house on Friday. Hugs....
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    One more day, Prayers sent!!!! Hoping by this time tomorrow difficult child will no longer be home.less
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Send good vibes Occupational Therapist (OT) my difficult child at 6pm EST tonight as he is meeting with the sober house folks then. I am really hoping he works this out. I am not sure what we will do if it doesn't.... I don't think I can leave him on the streets forever....

  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Sending all the vibes I can...I really hope it works out. What a huge step he is taking - I imagine he is going back tail between legs...I hope they take him back and that his nights away give him the impetus to follow their rules. XXXXXXXXXXXXing all my fingers and toes!
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm on his team and rootin' with all my might. Hugs DDD
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sending all the positive energy and good thoughts I can that they take him back or help him find someplace else to go. I am so glad he made the effort to go talk to them, that really shows he wants to get better and doesn't want to live this way. He is walking through the pain right now, and when he gets to the other side he is going to have the self confidence and motivation he needs to make this work, I just know it.

    Candlelight vigil at 6 EST

  17. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you both...Good vibes for 6pm tonight.

  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's 6 pm EST and I'm praying.

  19. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Oh, bless your heart, how hard this is. I don't know if I'll be able to be as strong as you are. Your a good mom.
  20. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Hope your son got back into the sober house. Everything you are doing for your son is wonderful. You are standing your ground and you are supportive of him. Putting money on a gift card so he can get food is not enabling him. It is exactly what it says, a "gift". It says, I love you and want to show you I care. Paying for his phone is for his safety. If he is sleeping on the street, gets hurt, he can call for help. He can call for info on a shelter. You are letting him feel the pain he needs to feel and showing him you care at the same time.