the more things change

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AppleCori, Jan 12, 2015.

  1. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    The more things change the more they stay the same...sigh.

    Well, haven't been here in quite a while. We kicked difficult child out back in October 2013,for the second time, after, well, the usual. Drugs, lies, theft. Lather, rinse, repeat.

    He stayed with his mom for a few weeks till she got tired of the same behaviors and kicked him out, prompting suicidal threats, a trip to the ER, and an involuntary hold. We had hope that he might get help then, as they recommended he go to a six month treatment facility, to which he initially agreed, but left after two days.

    He went back to his mom's and got a job, took his first paycheck, moved out, then lost the job. However, he got another job that he could get to on foot (he has no car) and kept that (still has it as far as I can tell).

    Things seemed to be going well for a few months. Of course, we dont know if he was bothering his mom with difficult child problems, as she puts up with more.n

    Then the strange calls begin.

    AFirst, one
     
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Not sure how I managed to post my unfinished message.

    Anyway, the strange phone calls begin.

    Always around the first few days of the month. several months in a row.

    First, from difficult child and his mom. She calls dad gushing about how much difficult child has changed, just come meetus forlunch right now and within five minutes you will see how different he is. Dad work ss. She went on to say that dad should let difficult child come back to live so they could work on their relationship. Of course he said no, and she kept trying to get him to meet them over the weekend so dad could see just how different difficult child is. We were going out of town that weekend, so she said they would call back the next week, then we never heard anything else.

    Then there was a voicemail to dad the next month from difficult child saying he was going to kill his roommates because one of them stole $500 from him.

    After several months like this, we get a call on the Saturday after new years. It's difficult child. He wants to borrow dad's truck! What for we ask, though we would never loan him a vehicle. He is moving back to his mom's. Dad said he would not facilitate that, as he didn't think it would work out or begodfor 19yo brother.

    So, he is back with mom and now mad at dad.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, since you're not going to enable him, heck, just disregard his messages.And moms too. Your son is nineteen. Nobody can force you to take him in.

    Less is often more ;)
     
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am guessing at the first of the month some kind of pay comes in. He gets his fix and then mom gets tired of him and tries to sell him and his fabulous improvement to dad. That gets rid of her problem and if things go bad with dad she can always say they were perfect with her.

    All in all it sounds like a lot of drama for nothing. Obviously he can live on his own but is chosing to move in with people and can't get along with them.
     
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    If husband and I had a clear idea of what specific things we would need to see from difficult child before we would help in any way, that would help us stay stable in the face of multiple and increasing demands.

    That is what I think would help you two in this situation.

    Make a list of what you need to see, of things that will tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that difficult child has changed. If your list shows instead that difficult child has not changed, then you are doing the right thing in staying altogether out of it.

    That is a good thing to know, too.

    The mother took him in, let her deal with it.

    Don't engage them at any level.

    The mother sounds very determined. It sounds like she is trying to work her way in through what is "owed" a child by his father. Yet, the difficult child in question, whether the 19 or the 24 year old, is no child.

    I agree with District.

    The mother did not have the courage or integrity to say "no", so she is trying to hoodwink the father into taking the pressure off her.

    It would be funny if it weren't so crummy. If you were to take difficult child in, it would be about two minutes before this mother and her child would be nailing you and husband to the wall over what the wonderfully changed difficult child needs next.

    Stay away.

    Cedar
     
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Since you have already kicked him out twice that in and of itself is your answer. A trifecta is only good in horse racing and in this case 3 times would not be a charm.

    As disturbing as those messeges are you really have to ignore them. The only one I would address is where he left the voicemail (do not delete it) about killing his room mates. I would tell him if he ever leaves that kind of messege eluding to hurting anyone or himself that you will call the police. Send him a messege that you will not tolerate that kind of behavior.

    As for his mom, sounds to me like she is complete denial thinking difficult child has changed or she is just fed up with it and wants to pawn him off on someone else while trying not to look bad in difficult child's eyes.

    I know how peaceful it can be when time goes by and we don't have any dealings with our difficult child's then out of the blue BAM!! It's like flying in a plane, all is well then you hit some turbulance, it freaks you out for a little bit then you resume smooth flying.

    Stay strong!!
     
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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stay the course, it sure sounds to me like you are making the appropriate choices. Continue with your own lives where peace reigns. His Mom and he can enjoy their roller coaster ride without you.
     
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