The nightmare continues...

[HaoZi]

Or when/if they call you, flat tell them to take it up with the judge, he said for them to sort it out.

 

[Wiped Out]

Sending hugs your way; glad you are sticking to not letting him come home.

 

[Liahona]

Take time for you. You are being a great wonderful mother. You are thinking of long term happiness. You are thinking that getting him help now will be much better then him trying to kill you and ending up in jail. Its hard to keep this in mind when everyone is telling you otherwise (even if they actually agree with you -- like the psychiatrist. Her saying she'll call that agency is implying you are a bad mother.) They don't want to pay for services and they aren't thinking long term. And, just because he says he isn't going to kill you know doesn't mean that 2 min after he is home when something happens that sets him into a rage he isn't going to change his mind. You are being a great wonderful mother. I hope you are seeing a therapist and getting medications to get you through this. You are a great mother.

 

[JKF]

Thanks again to everyone for the continued support! You have no idea how much this site is helping me make it through this! I do have family and friends but some of them just don't understand. At least on here I know that you all know what it's like to have a difficult child and I value your opinions and advice.

Tell the CMO that if she doesn't want difficult child in a shelter than she needs to push DYFS harder to find him a bed at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). My daughter Kanga stayed at a shelter group home for 30 days. It was a lifesaver for us and she enjoyed it.

I have a feeling if they put difficult child in the shelter he will enjoy it too. From what I heard from the clinician the shelter is quite nice and there are lots of supports and activities. That's why I don't understand why CMO would rather him stay in the psychiatric hospital or come home until they find placement for him.

 

[JKF]

The CMO is trying to wear you down. Call your doctor and get some medications to help with the panic attacks and anxiety and make sure you and husband are seeing tdocs.

Under NO circumstances are you to let difficult child come home for even one hour. If he comes into your home, CMO will tell themselves nad the judge that it wasn't that bad and he is home now so he can just stay with you. The bed in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will NEVER materialize if you let him coem home right now. No way is he safe to be around you all after this short a time period.

I agree! I know that's what they are trying to do and I'm not falling for it. I'm holding my ground and refusing to let him come home. It hurts me so much to do this to difficult child but I KNOW that it's for the best and I refuse to let the CMO set us ALL up for failure!

 

[JKF]

Take time for you. You are being a great wonderful mother. You are thinking of long term happiness. You are thinking that getting him help now will be much better then him trying to kill you and ending up in jail. Its hard to keep this in mind when everyone is telling you otherwise (even if they actually agree with you -- like the psychiatrist. Her saying she'll call that agency is implying you are a bad mother.) They don't want to pay for services and they aren't thinking long term. And, just because he says he isn't going to kill you know doesn't mean that 2 min after he is home when something happens that sets him into a rage he isn't going to change his mind. You are being a great wonderful mother. I hope you are seeing a therapist and getting medications to get you through this. You are a great mother.

Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words more than you know. Right now I don't feel like a very good mother but that's because I tend to beat myself up over things that I have no control of. I tend to harbor a lot of guilt and I'm trying to get past that. I know that things haven't changed in this short amount of time and that if he comes home we will be RIGHT BACK to where we were (if not worse). I am preparing notes for my phone conference tomorrow with the psychiatric hospital and CMO and I will make sure that these people hear me loud and clear!

 

[TeDo]

As you are getting your notes ready, keep in mind that the "broken record" routine does work with people like them. I would take HaoZi's advice up a notch. For everything they say your response should be "The judge said you need to place him somewhere." or "But the judge said for you to find a placement." and "Remember, the judge said for you guys to figure out a place for him to go." Just a thought since this is what I would do. Sometimes it's fun to do the broken record and watch people try to say the same thing in different ways thinking I'm not getting it.

 

[DDD]

I like TeDo's recommendation. If you can deliver the lines in a calm tone with the authority of the Judge foremost in your head...it's likely to work. DDD

 

[JKF]

I plan to be a broken record. In fact, I've been a broken record every single time I've had to talk to these people. My arguments are that 1. I refuse to bring difficult child home because he's a threat to himself, the community, and us. 2. He threatened to KILL me, told several people of his intentions, and also revealed that he's had a plan in place on how to do it for sometime. 3. Not only does the psychiatrist recommend residential because she feels that he's a threat to me but the judge agrees 100% with her and thinks sending him home will be "catastrophic".

I'm tired of these people trying to pass the buck. difficult child needs help and it's time for someone to step up. I don't care what they say to me. I refuse to bring him home and that's that!

 

[susiestar]

When you start to beat yourself up for not letting him come home, stop and think about what his life would be like after he killed or maimed you. I am speaking from experience - this helped me greatly after I insisted my difficult child go live elsewhere. I have nerve damage in my left hand from one of his rages - which I do NOT NOT NOT blame him for. It is simply something that happened because he was sick - in my mind. It was almost 8 yrs ago that it happened and it still makes Wiz feel awful to see that the hand hurts me at times. He will now rub it gently, even give it a kiss to "make it better" (like you do with a child - he does it to me now and then when it hurts and it always stuns me because he NEVER does that and hasn't since he was 8 or 9).

I took a long hard look at what happens to teens who kill their parents in our state, back whne he was so violent with us. He would have ended up in a specific juvie prison that is well known for having a scarily high mortality rate of inmates. That is NOT what I wanted for him. I also am quite sure that he would have killed himself or made many attempts over his life and I didn't want that either.

By getting my difficult child out of our home I changed his life and gave him a positive future. He got help, not as much as I wanted but enough to make him see that he had to turn his life around, he was safe and physically fine. THAT is what I wanted for him, NOT life in first the juvie jail and then the big boy prison that he would have gotten in our state (we charge scarily young people as adults here in OK - I think we even gave a twelve year old a life sentence at one point! or at least the state tried to do this a few years back).

So stop and think about difficult child's future if you bring him home and if you don't. Then each time that guilt tries to come up and clobber you, clobber it back with the knowledge that you are trying to give your son a future outside of a prison.

You really are doing the right thing. Have you called your doctor to get some medications to help YOU?

 

[JKF]

Thank you Susie! I needed that! Big time! You are 100% right! I need to stop feeling guilty and accept the fact that he's sick and needs help and that I'm doing the right thing by refusing to let him come home! I appreciate you sharing your story with me! It really helped me to step back and look at things in a different light! ((((hugs to you))))))