The nights are the longest

[healinginside]

I'm scared to type these words: my son has been arrested and is in jail.

I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I'm stoic, the next I'm falling apart. We are saying that we knew this was coming for a long time and then in disbelief that this is our reality.

I think around the time I posted last my son was in rehab last year. I was hopeful. By the end of 2023, I had a new mantra, "Never be hopeful".

He ended up going to three different rehabs. He would start off strong, but it wouldn't take long until he wanted to leave. It became clear in the rehabs that there are mental issues, not just drug abuse and we did our best to address that....he would fight taking medication and I would end up having to basically beg him to stick with the program. He finally overdosed in October but survived. I was left broken and angry and feeling guilty for being angry.

He then went to stay with a new girlfriend in another state and has been there since October. Things went badly and the police were called. He is in jail in another state on DV charges and I think assault on a police officer and resisting arrest. I don't think he will get bond bc he has no place to stay in this other state and won't be able to stay with the girlfriend bc of the DV charges. The hearing is this morning.

I'm in the new world of "collect call from inmate....."

I'm in a nightmare. I was basically trying to have as little contact as possible with him before this and now I'm his lifeline. He wanted me to come there (its five hours away)....I said no. He is going to want money.....I've given him everything I can at this point. I can maybe give him dribs and drabs, but I CANNOT pay thousands for an attorney or a large bond or anything like that. I just can't. I gave him everything that I could over the past 2-3 years trying to "save" him.

He has had literally 1000 chances. Everyone in this world has given this kid a chance. I'm shocked he has avoided jail up until now.

It started with marijuana use, then escalated. He had a bright promising future - captain of the track team, college, trip to Europe, beautiful girlfriends...then he just got caught up in "get rich quick" and then stopped working, wouldn't get a job, and then the mentail health issues blossomed. I never understood or could understand why he couldn't just get a regular job, doing anything.....he seemed like he would rather be homeless....again, still can't believe I'm tyiping these words.

One thing I always hear on this board from those who have children in jail - I'm scared for when he gets out. He can be violent. We are no match for him. I'm scared he will hurt us bc I can't bail him out or pay for an attorney.

When we kicked him out, he was able to manipulate our neighbor about 6 houses down to stay there for several months. Every day he would harass me to let him in the house, he broke a new storm back door getting in and once climbed through a window when my husband was here working from home. The experience left us with PTSD....not feeling safe in our own home and when he left in Oct it took us several months to just "relax" again. It has been heaven not having him nearby. Now he is intent on getting out of jail and getting back to his home state even though he has no place to stay here.

He has burned all bridges. He is a bridge flame thrower.

My husband (his step dad) says, "He has two hots and a cot". We have told no one. I haven't even told his real Dad bc he can't be trusted.

In the past few months, my husband has been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that affects balance and walking. This week he is having IVIG intravaneous treatments and we are lucky enough to have a nurse coming to the house to administer them. They can have side effects but he is tolerating them well. He is my number one priority right now.

My daughter is a senior and is choosing a college. We have an accepted students day coming up. I can barely function.

Im going to call my doctor this morning....I have to see him about my cholesterol prescription and I'm going to ask him if he can give me something for acute anxiety. He lost his own son to addiction last year.

Does anyone have any advice? This mama tried to save a drowning man and has been pulled under. I need a lifeline.

 

[lovemysons]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate as I did everything within my power to help save my addicted son too. And like yours he had been given a million chances till one day his chances ran out.

As you said, your husband and your daughter need to be your focus right now. There is nothing you can or should do for your son who is in jail at the moment in my opinion.

I just wanted you to know a fellow mom who has been there is here listening to you right now.
Others will be along soon.

Hugs…this is a terrible ride.

 

[lovemysons]

Healinginside…This was posted on our board many years ago and I thought it might be good food for thought in your situation. It reminds me of what husband tells me he learned after all we went through with our own addicted son…that he would no longer work for my son’s sobriety more than my son worked for his own sobriety.

Remember you as his mother raised him and gave him all you had. You executed. You are however not responsible for the outcome.

The Fable of the Bridge.

The fable begins with a man wrestling with his own thoughts about his future and what choices he wants to make about his life.

After much contemplation, he achieves great clarity and is excited about the vision he can see for his life. He starts off on the journey to his future.

He must travel to another town where an amazing opportunity has presented itself but he must get there by the next morning or the opportunity will pass.

He travels many hours, each step getting more excited about the life he is creating. As the full moon rises, he is alone in his thoughts as he starts crossing a bridge.

The man sees out of the corner of his eye a stranger coming towards him. He thinks the man approaching is putting his hand out to greet him. However, the stranger has the end of a rope in his hand with the other end wound around his waist.

The stranger asks the man to hold the end of the rope. Although perplexed, the man complies.

The stranger asks the man to hold on tight with two hands and then promptly jumps off the bridge toward the swift running deep river below. “Hold on!” the stranger cries.

The free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope’s length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull. He held tight despite being almost pulled over the side of the bridge.

Peering down at the stranger who was close to oblivion, the man yelled, “What are you trying to do?”

“Just hold tight,” said the other.

The man tried to haul the stranger in but he could not. He could not get enough leverage. His strength was almost perfectly counterbalanced by the other man’s weight.

“Why did you do this?” the man called out. “Remember,” said the other, “if you let go, I will be lost.”

“But I cannot pull you up,” the man cried. “Just hold on. I need you,” the stranger yells.

The man looked around for help, but no one was near. The man holds on for a while, and then calls, “Please, I cannot hold you. Please climb up.”

“I am your responsibility,” said the other. “Well, I did not ask for it,” the man said. The stranger cried, “If you let go, I am lost.”

The man tried to invent solutions, like tying the rope to the bridge, but could not find any that would work.

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.

He thought if he just waited long enough, someone was bound to come and help pull the stranger up. He waited many hours, but no one came.

“Why did you do this?” he asked again. “Don’t you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?”

“Just remember,” said the other, “my life is in your hands.”

Time passed and a decision needed to be made. The man could not hold on much longer.

A thought occurred to him. If the stranger hauled himself up and he kept the end steady and pulled a bit, together they could get the stranger back to safety.

But the other wasn’t interested.

“You mean you won’t help? But I told you I cannot pull you up myself, and I don’t think I can hang on much longer either.” “You must try,” the other shouted back in tears. “If you fail, I die.”

More time passed and finally, the point of decision arrived. The man said to the other, “Listen to me. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life, I hereby give back to you.”

“What do you mean?” the other asked, afraid.

“I mean, simply, it’s up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will help you if you help yourself.”

“You cannot mean what you say,” the other shrieked. “You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me.”

The man stated again, “I will not stand here and hold this rope. If you want to live, you must start moving now, and I will help you. Please, start now.”

He waited a few minutes, but there was no change in the tension of the rope. “I accept your choice,” the man said, at last, and freed his hands.

 

[healinginside]

Healinginside…This was posted on our board many years ago and I thought it might be good food for thought in your situation. It reminds me of what husband tells me he learned after all we went through with our own addicted son…that he would no longer work for my son’s sobriety more than my son worked for his own sobriety.

Remember you as his mother raised him and gave him all you had. You executed. You are however not responsible for the outcome.

Thank you lovemysons....your words mean the world to me and I felt such relief after posting last night...like a little bit of weight had been lifted.

This is the second night in my life that this board helped me make it to sunrise along with my faith in God and the support knowing that I am not alone in this journey.

I just don't know how I am going to make it through this day.

 

[Crayola14]

Sorry about your son and husband. Does your husband have lupus? I hope it gets easier for him.

When you feel like you’re going crazy, find a close friend you can trust to not repeat conversations. Keep the hands busy, whether it’s cross stitch, etc. Watch YouTube videos on how to knit. It’s very therapeutic to keep the hands busy and helps pass the time.

You did all you could to help your son. It’s up to him now.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I’m in the new world of "collect call from inmate....."

I'm in a nightmare. I was basically trying to have as little contact as possible with him before this and now I'm his lifeline. He wanted me to come there (its five hours away)....I said no. He is going to want money.....I've given him everything I can at this point.

One thing I always hear on this board from those who have children in jail - I'm scared for when he gets out. He can be violent. We are no match for him. I'm scared he will hurt us bc I can't bail him out or pay for an attorney.

When we kicked him out, he was able to manipulate our neighbor about 6 houses down to stay there for several months. Every day he would harass me to let him in the house, he broke a new storm back door getting in and once climbed through a window when my husband was here working from home. The experience left us with PTSD....not feeling safe in our own home and when he left in Oct it took us several months to just "relax" again. It has been heaven not having him nearby. Now he is intent on getting out of jail and getting back to his home state even though he has no place to stay here.

Welcome healinginside, I had tears reading this. If you have read my story daughter also is in jail right now, she has severe mental issues, some drug and alcohol use.

You explain how much you have helped him, that everyone has and he had thousands of chances. That’s where we must stop and think. We did the same for our daughter, 10 years now and we are at the same result today as when we started helping her. Nothing has changed one bit. My daughter once said to me, I dont ask but, if your going to give me money or a place to stay…I will take it. That hurt, no gratitude, almost blaming us for helping her out. It’s a hard thing for us to accept that they will continue to use us, they will shame us, they will abuse us into getting their way.

My daughter is also very violent and we are the only ones who have helped her out. She will be super mad at us once she gets out of jail and I know she will come right to our home and try to plead how she is different now, she found God in jail, she will do whatever we want. The jail is within a 2 hour walk from our home. This time around when we received that collect call from jail, we did not accept it. When the bail bondsmen called, we said no. It came to a point of everytime that phone rang I had a panic attack. This is the point with you both having health issues to make a very hard decision. For me it was changing my phone number. Oh healing, I cannot tell you how doing that tore me up! I was depressed for months, nothing but thoughts of her every waking moment. I had to force myself out of this out of fear for my own health or self harm. We have made the decision of no contact, no calls, no money in her canteen, no visits to jail. No more living with us when she gets out, no money….ect.

Our children are masters at manipulating us. We deserve a peaceful life, we deserve to not fear what they will do to us and our home. Maybe seek a trespassing order and restraining order before he gets out. I am thinking he will be in for awhile this time as the same with my daughter…she punched a hospital employee which is a felony plus her other times in jail will weigh heavily on her with this one. Also, I would put up cameras around the house. I have Ring set up on my front door and 2 others attached to my gutters, I might need one more for full coverage. This is still not enough protection for me and told my husband will not be opening curtains or windows for fresh air….will not go outside alone when she gets out. The fear of her attacking us or our home is great as with you. If this becomes an issue we will absolutely move. I hate if it comes to this, since we bought our home houses are double now what we are paying currently.

I pray for you and your family and neighbors….PLEASE try and separate yourself from him. He knows your heart, he knows how weak you are, he knows what to say or demand things to get his way. You should think of yourself at this time, nothing has worked in the past for him nor will it now unless he wants to start helping himself first. If my daughter showed true wanting of helping herself, going to mental health counseling, mental health drugs, holding a job…..I know she can work as she had a job 3 years when she lived with us. Only then will I consider helping her but, never ever living with us again. The day to day verbal abuse, walking on eggshells she will be aggressive any second. We have chosen to do for us this time around. Oh it hurts! Trust me! But it’s been a year since she left us and at this very moment, I am at peace. Until she gets out of jail that is.

Big hugs to you! I pray you can make a choice that you are comfortable with. Each of us has our own timeline and how we do things. After 10 years, my husband and I deserve our life now.

 

[Crayola14]

It’s hard to stand your grand about not giving them any money, especially now that rent is astronomical. In my city rent has doubled. You can’t buy a house less than $500k, even a small one that isn’t that nice, and often on a rough area of town. Wages haven’t gone up with the cost of living. Although restaurants and retail stores are paying double since before the pandemic, it’s still not enough to pay $1,400 a month for rent. And, what people get for that price is nothing. Thirty years ago in this city, if you were paying $1,400 a month in rent, you were in a luxurious penthouse with marble tile and a jacuzzi.

 

[healinginside]

You explain how much you have helped him, that everyone has and he had thousands of chances. That’s where we must stop and think. We did the same for our daughter, 10 years now and we are at the same result today as when we started helping her. Nothing has changed one bit.

Thank you so much for your message. It helps so much knowing that I'm not alone although I don't wish anyone to be in this battle.

My son had his bond hearing this morning. He was denied bond. The public defender said the girlfriend did not want to press charges and wanted him to have bond, and did not request a protective order, but that does not matter once it has gone this far. His trial is in April. He is most likely going to get jail time. I don't see any other way around it, but I don't know. I do know that I cannot afford to get him an attorney....and that is going to hurt him.

I don't know anything about having a child in jail - if any of the other parents that have experienced this have advice, it would greatly help.

Thank you for listening and being there for me.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Thank you so much for your message. It helps so much knowing that I'm not alone although I don't wish anyone to be in this battle.

My son had his bond hearing this morning. He was denied bond. The public defender said the girlfriend did not want to press charges and wanted him to have bond, and did not request a protective order, but that does not matter once it has gone this far. His trial is in April. He is most likely going to get jail time. I don't see any other way around it, but I don't know. I do know that I cannot afford to get him an attorney....and that is going to hurt him.

I don't know anything about having a child in jail - if any of the other parents that have experienced this have advice, it would greatly help.

Thank you for listening and being there for me.

My experience with my daughter in jail, 5 or 6 times she has been in, has not been positive. Before I decided to go no contact this time my every nerve fiber was listening for that collect call from the jail. If you go to visit your loved one in jail you’re essentially treated as an inmate, harshly. My daughter told me that it’s not too horrible being in, they mostly sleep - watch tv - play cards. They use anything to exercise with, her area had steps and she would walk up and down them to keep some type of muscle going on. The food is horrible, mostly beans but on holidays they get a special meal on that day. Fights? They do happen. She told me of girls getting upset over someone farting or snoring too loud. She told me one time the girls ganged up on her but she was able to fight them off. I asked did they get in trouble? She said no, it was off camera. My daughter has a nasty attitude and can image the girls getting upset with her quickly. They can get special things if they have money in their canteen like socks, deodorant, instant coffee - the jail does not supply them with anything other than the clothes on their back and meals. The canteen can also be a source of fights and is frequently stolen from those who have bought things. They can make phonecalls and some jails even have texting again, if they have money in their account. Everything is expensive for you putting money on anything.

Hopefully that helps you some, I imagined worse case scenarios in my head all day long and her answer? Oh it’s not that bad, just boring.

In my opinion, don’t pay for a lawyer. He will be appointed one through the court - don’t worry about that. Let him think while he is in there and maybe don’t answer his calls or money for canteen? Let him know you cannot be there for him anymore as he is an adult now and needs to start in helping himself. As I said we all have our timelines and ways we go about things. Myself I went through 4-5 times of her being in jail doing all the above I mentioned. Personally I have had it, at the end of my rope, done. If she decides to help herself and truly stick with it, I will help too. None of us here are heartless parents, infact we have too much heart.

 

[lovemysons]

The best attitude I had seen in my son in years was the year he spent in jail for spitting on a policeman. He was sober and looking forward to his future.

I did put money on my son’s jail account while he was there. I also visited him occasionally.

I wouldn’t offer anything if his attitude is the same.

Your son in my opinion needs future goals and a close examination of how he will reach those goals.
I think working towards goals is so important.

Remember you can’t save your son from his own choices and you don’t owe him anything at this stage in life. But you can save yourself.
You have choices too. Be kind to yourself. Be your own best friend. Our wayward children I guarantee are only thinking of themselves.

Hang in there and keep posting. I know how much it helps.

Love,
LMS

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Healing and welcome back.
So sorry for your need to be here.
As you may recall my daughter Tornado has been in and out of jail for the last six years primarily for violating her probation. At first, she wanted me to bail her out. No way Jose. I knew with her addiction issues she would think nothing of skipping and leaving me with the bill. Attorney? Nope. There are public defenders available. Attend her court proceedings? My attitude has been that she is an adult, got herself into trouble, that’s on her. My focus had to switch to the younger sibs I was raising. Enough heartache and trying to rescue my two from their choices for years.
Visit her in prison? Nope. Phone calls? At first I did not put money in her account, then I did. Her attitude changed after a while and I thought that maybe talking to her when she was sober might encourage her to stay the course.
That is part of my delusion that I have any influence over her choices, I don’t.
She ended up being accepted into the “Hope program”. Its focus is on getting people into rehab. She has tried rehab several times and walked away, which generates a bench warrant for violating probation. She is currently in a pilot program called Women’s Court. Same focus, get addicts out of jail, into rehab.
I am glad when she is in jail.
Never thought I would say that.
At least I know where she is.
I actually know one of the guards there who said she is a “model prisoner” who is a leader, gets into the work programs and is kind with the other inmates, unlike some people who become predatorial in jail. He also said that he’s seen more addicts recover in jail, than in rehab.
I know all the horrible thoughts racing through your mind. Take a deep breath. You are not responsible for your son’s consequences. Tornado recently had her longest period of recovery, and she told me in a sober moment that I take on too much responsibility and blame for her and her sisters choices.
I thank God for that moment of clarity. I did not see that coming.
I also did not see her relapsing again after running off with a man she met in rehab. She abandoned her family and her sobriety for a guy she barely knows.
Sigh.
Such is the chaos.
Healing, there has to be some point where we take a deep breath and let go. Let God. I understand your fears of your son retaliating if you don’t “help” him. That is a part of the reality we face, but also an addicts way of keeping us engaged. We fall into this trap of F.ear O.bligation G.uilt. Fog. It’s hard to see through it and come out with a clear view of what’s really going on.
We raised our kids to be good people. Put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into their childhood. They grew up and made bad choices.
They are adults and will do as they choose.
We have absolutely no say in it.
When they face consequences for their choices, they will try and manipulate us to “help” them. How will they ever learn if we bend over backwards to keep them from dealing with their own actions?
You did not cause this, nor can you control it
As for putting money into a jail account. Inmates can join a work program where they get paid. They can write letters. If you feel the need to talk with your son, you can open up a phone account. But, please if you do, set boundaries. Don’t let him abuse the privilege and abuse you.
Take deep breaths Healing. You have time to think things through and calm yourself. Keep writing, get counseling if you need.
Jail is not the worst thing that happened to my daughter. She is on the streets again with a bench warrant. I look forward to the day she is caught. Really. It is another chance for her to get sober.
Hang in there.
Hugs
New Leaf

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Healing, forgot to mention, this is Vinelink. First you put in your state then your son’s name. Once it finds him you can make an account and register him. What registration does they will notify you when he is released from jail or sent to a different jail. It will also show that he is still in custody and the exact location he is in. I have signed up for my daughter so that there is no surprise when she is released. I can ready myself for that knock on my door.

VINELink - Empowering Victims of Crime

VINE is the nation’s leading victim notification system, empowering survivors of crime with the updated custody status and criminal case information they need to remain safe and maintain peace of mind.

www.vinelink.com

 

[healinginside]

Wow - I cannot believe the outpouring of support from you ladies. You are saving me today. Sometimes you just need someone to give you a reality check and you all have done that.

I read your messages and spent some time outside in the sun, getting the yard ready for spring. I felt oddly energized knowing that my son was at least in a secure place and has to face sobriety. I felt like I was handing it over to God I even felt relief that he was going to face the consequences of his actions. But then the roller coaster comes down off the high point and I feel that pull of helplessness in my gut.

But you all said it BEST - we have all done what we can do and more than we can do. We are guilty of loving too much, which is why we are all here. If we didn't care, we wouldn't be here.

When I face that pit, I have to let go and let God.

I'm hearing from you all - he is in jail, he is safe, you are safe, enjoy this moment instead of fretting. It is out of my control.

My senior in hs and I spent some time together. I was lamenting that I wanted to go in and save the day for my son and she said, "mom, if there is anyone that needs to face consequences for their actions, it's HIM. No one would go save him right now bc he needs to LEARN."

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being my compass.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

My senior in hs and I spent some time together. I was lamenting that I wanted to go in and save the day for my son and she said, "mom, if there is anyone that needs to face consequences for their actions, it's HIM. No one would go save him right now bc he needs to LEARN."

What an amazing support you have right there in your daughter! Give her the biggest hug! You see? Proof right there of how you raised both children and how one has chosen the wrong path. Nothing YOU did or did not do could have prevented him from ending up in the situation he now is facing. He is the only one that can pull himself up and right the wrongs in his life. It will be extremely hard for him as well no doubt but, he has to want to try.

My favorite saying is Let go and let God. I repeat it to myself when I am having that slump. We build ourselves up and then we crash, it’s absolutely normal and actually good for us if you think about it. For each low moment we are gaining courage to continue in knowing what we must do. So happy you enjoyed a bit today, YOU deserved to find a bit of peace.
I tell you truly not only do you think we are helping you, you have helped me. To talk to someone who understands is the greatest gift ever, I am indeed blessed. We must continue in building strength for when they do get out of jail. We got this.

 

[lovemysons]

Hugs all. I am so glad we all have each other to lean on and help build strength from.
What a blessing our board is.

Love,
LMS

 

[Nomad]

"Never be hopeful".

I’m sorry to read this. I am often in this space and struggle to at the very least remain somewhat hopeful. Miracles, although no doubt rare, I think are a real occurrence.

The “let go and let God” realization is powerful and strengthening.

These adult children certainly prove to us repeatedly that things are out of our hands.

There are local support groups. I believe NA has one for family members. Al ANon might be good. We found Families Anonymous very good. There is a relatively new one out that meets at churches with a Christian tie in called “Help for Hurting Parents.” A local support group might help you. (((Hugs)))

 

[ANewLife4Me]

There is a relatively new one out that meets at churches with a Christian tie in called “Help for Hurting Parents.” A local support group might help you. (((Hugs)))

Thank you for mentioning Help for Hurting Parents. Wow, their website has a ton of resources from online and in person meetings. Different resources for each persons specific needs, they even have a resource for having a loved one in jail like me.

I do find for myself that having no strength to attend even an online meeting, my mind goes in a million directions… the body says nope, not today. Sometimes wish that I was outgoing instead of the recluse I have become and the constant depression makes it hard to do anything at all.

Big hugs!