The Ossy Honeymoon is over. OMG.

[dashcat]

ARRGGGHH!!!

Brief backstory for those who may not have followed (why would you? so crazy). Ossy (see tag line for description of difficult child's dad's moniker) rose to the occasion when she took my wedding rings from a box on his dresser. He appeared to rise again when she was behind on her cellphone bill. He TURNED OFF HER TEXTING! (but didnt' tell - so she thought it was a glitch). He did not turn off her data plan...so she can still access dating sites, email and engage in all sorts of unfortunate activities.

When she was confronted -by me -for having violated a major condition of living here .. by having an internet dude pick her up at my home, she assumed she could move in with him. He said "no - you have to work it out with your mom". When, in reality, it was because he really doesn't want her living there (he tells me - because she is a slob .. part of it, yes .... reality ..she cramps his bachelor lifestyle). I confronted him on this, telling him I was in a terrible position. She is here, safe, warm, not paying rent (though she is supposed to), ill , unmediated ... and he makes it sound as though she is stuck here .. must WORK IT OUT, vs the real reason. He promised to tell her -when she had dinner with him tonight ... why she could not live there.

Did he?

Of course not.

However, he did call me to reassure me that she promises to go on medications (right). He said they talked about "my expectations" and how she "needed to communicate to me" her needs vis a vis having strange internet dudes pick her up here. Perhaps I need to work on my communication because "the rules keep changing"?

REALLY??????????????????

THEN he has the unmitigated gall to tell me that, while he is demanding she pay him back for the phone bill ($90) and pay her car insurance (I back him on this) and, though he cashes her paychecks because even WALMART won't cash them (why? I wonder this), he isn't "comfortable" collecting what she owes me in rent.

SERIOUSLY?????????

You - Mr.-divorced-and-living-quite-comfortably would collect your $90 freaking dollars when she owes me TWO MONTHS RENT for utilities and food she has actually consumed (I did not get the good end in this divorce agreement, by the way) ?????????

AND you have ALL the answers when you have ONE conversation with her ...when you have not been alone with her for a dinner for about 9 months (he does see her, but not without the girlfriend....who is not to blame) and I live with a bi-polar, unpredictable, (did I say unmedicated?), lying, manipulating person 24/7? You figured it out in the course of three hours?

How I wish I had your wisdom!

End of rant .... (I am exhausted, frazzled and completely spent. Forgive me)

Dash

 

[InsaneCdn]

You still don't have to allow her to continue to live with you, on HER terms.
Your terms. Or else.
Mr. Ossy doesn't get to dictate how YOU live your life anymore.

And that includes the whole internet-dude thing. NO DOGGONE WAY.
If she wants to live a "bachelor" lifestyle kinda like Dad's, then... she does it on her own.
Otherwise? NO DUDES.

It also includes paying rent.

 

[dashcat]

Insane,
I know you're right. But this is all so new to me. The behavior has been there, but she's only had the diagnosis since November. At this point ... today .... I choose to live with her versus sending my sick, unmedicated child out the door. That could change. It may have to change. But ....today...now... I choose this, knowingly.

I cannot change his thinking and, tomorrow, I will be able to accept that. He is one heck of a mess of human being ... and a poor excuse for a dad. Fact. But, just for tonight, I want to throw myself on the floor and cry about it ... fruitless though that may be.

Dash

 

[recoveringenabler]

Arrogant, righteous denial is a powerful thing. Your rant is most understandable. I'm sorry, I really am. My ex, my daughter's Dad, told me "I wash my hands of her," last year during the worst times. He left when she was 18 months old, probably spent literally hours with her since and that's his response to my plea for his help. I know how you feel. Rant all you want for as long as you want. We'll listen. I agree with IC.......rent, no dudes, YOUR terms.

 

[InsaneCdn]

But, just for tonight, I want to throw myself on the floor and cry about it ... fruitless though that may be.

In fact... it isn't fruitless. Sometimes we really need that good cry.

My point, though, wasn't about YOUR choices. It was about HIS statements.
HE doesn't get to choose for you.
That power is yours, and yours alone.

However difficult the road in dealing with our difficult children, "outsiders" have their own agenda, and it usually is NOT based on what is good for difficult child, much less any consideration for US. been there done that - not with MH issues, but... some days all I could do was cry... and yes, it helped.

 

[HaoZi]

Your house your rules, dearie. It's not Ossy's house. Not difficult child's house. YOUR house. They want their rules, they can apply them at their own house.

 

[Nancy]

Does her employer do direct deposit of her wages? If they do then a condition for her living there could be that she enroll in that and that she put you on her checking acount as a joint holder and the minute her check is deposited you will go in and transfer that money into your account.

We had to do much the same with difficult child as a condition for helping her get out of financial ruin. She is now out of debt and paying her bills on time. But we have to keep a very close watch on it and I have her passwords to all her utilities and bank account so I can check her progress. I know we shouldn't have to do that but neither of our difficult children have the necessary tools to do this on their own at this point.

She has a job, she should be paying her rent. If ex cashes her check he shold go one step further and make sure she gives him all her expenses to give to you. I don't understand his reasoning there but since he won't you need to find another way to make sure she pays rent.

 

[DaisyFace]

Well, well, well....

must be WONDERFUL to have all the answers to everything all the time!

Is "ossy" really in denial? or is he a difficult child in his own right? Cause it sure is a difficult child trait to sidestep the issue, blame others, and then act as if YOU are the one with the problem!

Meanwhile - (and remember, I offer this standing in my OWN shoes....not in yours) yes, your daughter has a MH issue. But is she really so incapable of functioning that she cannot take care of herself? Young adults are supposed to go through a time where they have to fend for themselves on very few resources....room with three other people and eat ramen noodles every night just to get by....work crazy jobs with crazy shifts...meet weird people....have their hearts broken a few times....have adventures they probably won't share with Mom and Dad...etc etc etc... before finally settling into the adults they will become.

And she's going to do many of those things whether she shares your address or not. There is so much that is just beyond your control...

I don't know whether you allowing her to live with you for a while longer will be beneficial to her or not. In the long run....it may not make any difference. She is going to be who she is going to be.

So it really comes down to YOU and YOUR mental health....YOUR peace of mind.

If it is easier and gives you more peace of mind to have her live with you - then I think you need to find a way to accept many of your daughter's behaviors. I don't think the leopard will change its spots - at least not while everything remains staus-quo.

(((Hugs)))

 

[welcometowitsend]

Dash - I know you are not ready to put difficult child out yet. I totally get that. You have to be ready to make that step and it's a very difficult step to get to.

I agree with what everyone else has said - your house, your rules and difficult child needs to follow them. I think you should follow up with Ossy and tell him that he either collects the rent out of the paycheques he is cashing or he might find difficult child dumped on his doorstep with all her belongings in the VERY near future. Then he'll be sure to collect the rent as it will be for him. He is a piece of work and I'm sorry you have to deal with him too on top of everything else.

He does not see through her lies and manipulation. He is still believing what comes out of her mouth and until that changes he probably will side with her and see you as the bad guy. For him to believe from difficult child that your rules 'keep changing' proves that to me right away. Write up a contract with her, make her sign it and give Ossy a copy. If you already have a contract, take a photocopy and give it to him so he can see her lies and manipulation tactics. He really is an ostrich, isn't he?

Go ahead and cry, lay on the couch the whole day and be sad - it is better to get those feelings out and let them go than to hold them in and be bottled up. And know that every one of us is wrapping an arm around you to comfort you.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Dash, thinking of you this morning. I hope you got some sleep and are feeling a little better. I know what a tough time you're having but you really are doing a good job keeping it together as you walk along this treacherous path.

Now you know Ossie is not able to counted on. You are developing a plan of action which will be more supportive of you. You are clear you are not ready to send her out the door, but you are aware that things need to change. I've learned that often there is a breakdown before there is a breakthrough. Now that things have 'blown up' for lack of a better phrase, you can take a good hard look at what is before you, figure out what it is YOU want and need in your home to feel safe, what you can expect from your daughter, put Ossie aside and figure out a game plan that supports YOU with all this new information. I think this is a major change for you and difficult child, one which ultimately will be a positive thing because it clears the decks of the old, to make way for the new thinking. Many hugs for you and wishes for peace of mind.............

 

[dashcat]

I think we're headed there.

I am having a slow dawning about Ossy and his well-concealed difficult child tendancies. It sure explains a lot about him to look at it that way. He is a master manipulator, and - unfortuantely - I allowed myself to slip right down the rabbit hole of allegiance with him over the incident with the rings and the phone. The truth is, I am the one who has been in denial. He wants to be the carefree bachelor buddy-dad who happens to be good friends with his ex wife. Some of you know this ... but for those who do not ... I had a serious house fire right after the house sold as part of my divorce agreement. I was asleep and, by the Grace of God, I got out. My little dog was killed and my difficult child - again, thank God, was at college. I was a complete wreck and Ossy played the Knight in Shining Armor to the hilt. We'd barely been speaking before the fire and, after, he told me he wanted me to return to the house. I never wanted to sell to begin with, and I came home.

I've been living with a misplaced sense of gratitude since 2009 and, last night, I started to face reality. I used to joke that, after the fire, either a bathtub fell on his head and knocked some sense into him, or he had an ephiphany. It was neither. It may have been momentary guilt (he is on the volunteer fire department, so h e witnessed the fire first-hand), it may have been momentarily sincere, but right now it is a sick co-dependent agreement in which I have played a willing role.

You are all right, of course, when you remind me that it is my house and my rules. The two of them having a "conversation" about those rules is really beside the point.

I made an t-doctor appointment for the two of us on Monday to discuss the trust issue ... I made this appointment yesterday before she went over there and she knows it. She also knows the rules do not "keep changing" and I have no intention of EVER defending those rules to Ossy again.

He promised to tell her, today, why it is that he told her she couldn't live there. He also took her house key when she fell asleep at his GFs house, but did not tell her. I know she hasn't noticed.

If he does not make good on his promise (pretty sure he won't), I am going to tell her.

Thank you, all, for listening. I am no longer going to engage with Ossy in such crazymaking.

As to my difficult child, she will have to comply with my house rules. She and Ossy can work through the whys and wherefores, but I am not going to be bullied by him and by what he perceives that I "owe him" for being in this house.

Dash