The perfect daughter turned disrespectful nymphomaniac!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by devasted, Mar 17, 2012.

  1. devasted

    devasted New Member

    After attending college for five years and joining a sorority my daughter is very disrespectful toward me and looks down upon me because I never went to college. She thinks she knows more than I do about life. She was always perfect growing up. Never got into any trouble even through her teenage years. She moved to a bigger city and is now unmarried having one baby a year. She doesn't make enough money to support these children. When I try to talk to her,she says I am psychotic and I need to see a psychiatrist. She thinks I am the stupid one. We no longer have a relationship. After she had the first baby,I was working 2 jobs helping her because I was concerned for the child and didn't want him to be without diapers or food. Now that she is pregnant again,I am completely devastated. She will not marry the father because he is a dead beat. He won't hold a job longer than 2 months. They do not get along well enough to even live together but keep having innocent babies together. Is there anything I could do or should do? Remember,according to my daughter and my husband,I am the one who is psychotic. Sometimes I just want to run away and not tell anyone where I am.
     
  2. amelia

    amelia New Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I can totally emphasize with the feeling of wanting to run away and not tell anyone where you are, I feel like that often. I don't have any really good advice that will help you make sense of the situation; I don't know that there is anything you can do at all.

    My step son, now 36, has 3 children with 2 different women. With the first child we bought the crib, toys, clothes, diapers, formula, etc. We didn't want the baby to go without. Then he left them and got another woman pregnant and we started supplying clothes, food, diapers etc because we didn't want that baby to go without. Then she got pregnant again and we finally said enough. He has since left both women and is either homeless or in jail, he does not contact us or his mother unless he wants money. We have no contact with any of the grandchildren despite our best efforts.

    I guess my point is, we could not convince him to stop having babies when he couldn't afford them, and any discussion about it ended in him getting angry and leaving. Our involvement helped nothing.

    I think that stepping back is the only answer. Its very difficult to do, but you have to take care of your self, and she is an adult and responsible for her own choices.
     
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I feel your pain! My niece married a dead beat and has 2 special needs children, one so severe she can not attend school and has had many surgeries.
    Our entire family was trying to help support them, like we all say, for the children. He walks out on her and what does she do?? He comes back for a visit and she gets pregnant again with number 4!!! Enough is enough!! She got pregnant to keep the deadbeat and it worked until the baby was about 4 months old. She is on welfare and he doesn't work most of the time. I'm not supporting his kids while he sits on his a** at home. He is extremely lazy and comes back when he is between jobs and for some reason none of us can understand, she lets him stay there!! Niece says she can't get rid of him "YES YOU CAN YOU ARE DIVORCED!!!

    Same thing with a step daughter that I have only met 1 time. We have been married 12 years and his kids live in another state. 5 kids with 4 different men! When I first met my husband we were both working and he was trying to help all 3 of his adult girls, they all had a bunch of kids. When he retired before me they thought I would continue to send money. NOPE!!!

    After counseling my husband has finally learned that, they didn't ask his permission to have the kids, and he is not responsible for them. Some cases we were not even notified of the birth AND HE STILL SENT MONEY!!!! The oldest grand was pregnant (not married) and we received a shower invited, I embroidered 4 burp cloths and mailed them ( another state) and we did not receive a thank you, no birth announcement, nothing!!! I told him I won't do that again!
    His adult girls never called sent birthday, Father's Day, or Christmas cards!

    I agree it is hard, much easier to say than do! BUT she has to live her life. I have a 33 yo difficult child that drives me nuts, it appears he will never grow up, BUT I have stepped back. You have a life and deserve to have a good one. There are many good books posted on this forum and here is one that although a little different, the author does have a grand with not much contact.
    http://www.support4change.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=131&Itemid=177
    (((hugs and blessings for us all)))
     
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I just lost my post in cyberspace. Rats! The short version is welcome, you are among nice people who do understand and most importantly...now is the time to decide if you are going to have a life of your own or if you are going to spend your future doing as your daughter dictates. Sorry it's so short and maybe doesn't sound so sweet but if you read my signature you'll see we are in year twenty five of taking responsibility for our difficult child's choices to reproduce. Got to go. Glad you found us. DDD
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Many of us have dealt with or deal with adult difficult child's. Who knows what went on in college? I really don't want to send my youngest daughter away to college because I know what goes on there and it's not all learning (at least not the right things).

    You can not do anything for your daughter any longer. Nothing. She is old enough to make her own choices and not listen to you and she is choosing not to listen to you. However...as hard as it is, I would stop sending her money. You don't know if she is spending it on the babies or if she takes drugs or uses it for partying. If you want to, send diapears and bring her food, heavy on baby food. I wouldn't hand her a dime. And then I'd start the long grieving process of losing that perfect child. Many of us had to do that. I am one whose child actually has been gone from our lives now for six years by his choice and I don't expect him back. After the grieving process ended, and I got therapy, I now focus on those who do love and appreciate me and treat me well...those who want what I can offer them. Your daughter may still grow up one day, but you can't make her do it. She probably acts resentful and huffy when you give her advice and calling you "psychotic"...well, if she's so well-balanced let her get her life together on her own. YOU can still have a wonderful, fulfilling life.

    These precious years, when our kids are grown up, are the time we should focus on ourselves and, if we are married, our spouses, friends, and cordial children/grandchildren. in my opinion it's time to smell the roses and be grateful for all the little things life has to offer. We can not control anybody in the world except ourselves. You can't control your daughter and her choices. But you can try to move on with your own life.

    I do strongly recommend therapy. Hugs!!!!
     
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Midwest Mom, you sure are right. These precious years (who knows how many we have left?) should not be spent agonizing over an adult child's extremely selfish and poor life choices. I do not want to look back in bitterness and resentment for having not cultivated the healthy relationships in my life because I was wrapped up in the negativity of an adult child's decisions.
     
  7. keista

    keista New Member

    REally confused. How did Miss Magnolia hijack this thread including creating a new title?

    Hi Miss Magnolia, It depends on who paid for the tuition in the first place. Assuming you did, then it is most definitely stealing. However, how severe is her learning disability? That has to be taken into account here because, yeah, the check was in her name. LEGALLY it's her money. Hoovers, but it's true. However (again) sounds as if she was clever enough to keep this information from you and if that's true, then she was most definitely clever enough to know that she needed to keep this information from you, so yeah, it's stealing.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome devasted :)

    Sounds like while your daughter might have graduated and become a mother, she still has a lot of growing up to do

    In the meantime, she's an adult making her own decisions and mistakes, which is her right. If it were me, I wouldn't be bothering to help her. Obviously she doesn't appreciate it anyway. I'd offer no advice, no opinion on how she chooses to live. Instead I'd focus on enjoying your grandkids and the other interests in your life. Focus more on yourself and other things that are important and pleasurable to you.

    It's hard when you know they're making bad choices.....but she has to live with the consequences.

    I'm glad you found us.

    ((hugs))

    keista I was wondering the same??
     
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You and me both. How does a brand new member who's never posted before do this?
     
  10. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Guest

    As far as I can see the thread title is the same as the original post. The new poster changed the re: portion of her post which is an option when posting via Go Advanced. She is new and was probably trying to create a new thread.

    To avoid further confusion I will move Miss Magnolia's post to a new thread.
     
  11. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Don't send any money. I am sorry, I know how much it hurts when your child thinks so poorly of you. You don't deserve it, you know you were, and are a good mother to her. You have no regrets for her life, you raised her. She's on her own, she had to make a million choices to get her to this point in her life. She'll have to make her own choices to better her life. I used to have this mantra ready to say, "You're a smart girl (boy), I'm sure you'll figure something out" when my difficult child called and "needed" whatever. (((hugs)))
     
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others. Upallnight has the appropriate answer to give.

    I was going to give Runawaybunny's answer about the new member and the thread title but she beat me to it. I was either sleeping or dealing with puppies all night...lol.
     
  13. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    I have a niece who's doing the same thing: married a real loser, had a child by him, he stole her money and car and abandoned her, she reconnected with him and resumed the relationship, and now it's "done" one day and resumed the next, over and over again. He pays no child support, is unemployed (so he says), and we're pretty sure he stays in the relationship, however sporadically, to keep her hopeful and thus not getting a legal separation and pushing for child support. The family circled the wagons around her when he abandoned her, everyone pitched in to help her fly to his home (lives in his mother's trailer) to get her car back, and then we all watched as she took him back again and we felt we'd been supporting a fool. Now we just stand back and let her malfunction, as she's so stubborn about it and just walls out any family member, no matter how formerly beloved, who advises her to just dump the loser already. We all worry that she'll come up pregnant from one of their "on again" episodes and thus dig herself into an even deeper hole. And this was a kid who had NEVER been in any trouble before all of this, and who had been sweet and loving and amicable with everyone.

    I don't think it's nymphomania. I think it's wildly over-attaching to a man (or men, in cases where there are multiple babies by multiple men) and then "doubling down" when things go bad, rather than walking away from the loser as any self-respecting woman would do. Still, it's tremendously self-destructive and, of course, when you start adding child after child to the scenario, tremendously saddening and even despairing to observe in a life so young and formerly so hopeful.
     
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    This might sound weird, but one of the things that bothered me the most about your post is that I believe you said your huband also thinks your psychotic. In what way? Is he thinking that you worry too much about your daughter?
    Did she complete her degree? I guess that is good, in a way. But, she has no right to put you down. That is rude, disrespectful, wrong and inappropriate. PERIOD. Some things to consider:
    You might consider reading literature about detaching, setting boundaries and/or going to a Codependent Anonymous Group. This type of "stuff" might sound weird or difficult to you, but sounds like she is a young adult and its time for you to detach from her craziness. It is very kind of you to try to help supply necessities for the grandchildren and perhaps you can still provide some small needed items now and again. But beyond that NO WAY. Your daughter is not appreciative and is very unkind. SAVE YOURSELF. It is a kick in the teeth/a blow to your self esteem to be treated in this horrible manner. It is NOT your fault that she has made these hideous choices and it only makes things worse for you to get so deeply involved. I would back off BIG TIME. Let her know that you love her and your door is open if she feels she can have an adult and polite conversation with you. It is hard as hexk and hurts like hexk, but don't stick around and be treated in such a hideous manner. Find good friends and relatives who respect you and treat you well and you do what you can to be good to those people. Keep your daughter in your prayers, perhaps provide a little fort he grandkids and keep hope on the back burner. In the mean time...go out and rediscover what you like to do and find good people to do it with.
     
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