The Roller Coaster

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by fedup, Feb 5, 2007.

  1. fedup

    fedup New Member

    Well, it's up again down again at our house. With hubby acting as difficult child as difficult child!

    difficult child got a job- it's back to Pizza Hut. Good things, bad things, all rolled into one. He moved back home temporarily until he gets wheels. Since he's not staying with his girl, and could not contact her all of Saturday, he was out of control about it for some reason. Come to find out, she was in jail (for public intoxication). difficult child and hubby have been talking a lot, it seems.

    They have made some kind of deal about the wheels difficult child needs. difficult child tells me it has something to do with a bonus hubby got and didn't tell me about. But, his bonuses come in his paychecks, and they are direct deposited= so I may know about it. I can't say anything to hubby, as it is breaking confidence. Anyway, hubby is being secretive about that and more... Don't like what's going on.

    So, in the midst of all this, I am tagged to make a trip to Miami for work. Now, my boss did mentiion the possibility last Thursday, so it wasn't sprung on me on Monday morning. But, I am leaving tomorrow morning, driving down for the rest of the week.

    At my computer this morning, I found an angry, somewhat rude note that hubby left me for some unknown reason. Evidently, difficult child decided to feed himself late last night. This morning, hubby couldn't find a clean counter to pack his lunch, poor man. I know the kitchen was clean when I went to bed. I also know that I have nothing to do with the problem, so why involve me?

    I want off of this ride, NOW .
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    That secrecy would send me right up the wall, Fedup. :hammer:Why on earth should either husband or difficult child make it a secret? Doesn't make sense at all.

    BUT, if I was in your shoes I'd be pretty happy about leaving them behind and going out of town for a few days! :smile:

  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'd be packing extra clothes for that trip. Your husband is keeping things from you between him and difficult child and he has the nerve to leave you a note about the mess your difficult child left /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif
  4. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    The other issue here is triangulation. If the difficult child can get one or the other parent on his side, many of the frustrations we all feel with our mates begin to fuel up.

    What I might do (what I am sure I would try to do, anyway), is begin a conversation with my husband about staying on the same page and triangulation. Whether he comes clean or not, you will know a little more about what your situation relative to husband is.

    The other thing I would tell you, fedup, is to try not to be angry about the triangulation. It happens to all of us (well, just about all of us) when we are dealing with our difficult children.

    It's hard, when you love a child, to watch him suffer. All of us look for some reason why the difficult child is misbehaving. Until we work through that part, the other parent seems like the perfect place to fasten our frustrations with our difficult children.

    That is why I said to try not to be angry with husband.

    What you are seeing is triangulation at work.

    This is how marriages unravel.

    That is what happened to husband and I, too.

    If we can go through this stuff with our eyes open, we have a better chance of saving our marriages, I think.

    Sometimes, we have to be warrior moms for ourselves, and for our marriages.

    husband and I have been married for thirty four years now, I think it is. (Some enormous number of years, anyway!) Unlike the happy times in our relationship, those dark years when we were struggling with the kids are still difficult and painful for us to talk about.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My husband and difficult child tend to play the strange dance of keeping mom in the dark too. Sometimes I think my role here is that of a kept in the dark and fed cow patties.

    Either husband is mad as tar at the kid and screaming at him or they are in cahoots about something and keeping me out of the loop. I can even tell husband something about Cory that I really didnt want told back to him and he feels the need to run and tattle! Makes me livid! I have informed him that when he does this behavior he just makes this whole difficult child behavior thing that much worse but he doesnt see it.

    I have completely detached myself from most of the junk that goes on here at home. When the junk hits the fan, I remove myself to my room. I think its wonderful that you can go on a nice trip...let them work on their nice little secret together.
  6. fedup

    fedup New Member

    difficult child knows the score here. Don't get me wrong. The reason he told me "what's going on" is that he knew hubby was skipping out on the truth. And, I knew hubby was being secretive before difficult child gave me the information. In other words, the 'anger' (and that is probably too strong a word), predated the actual knowing the secret.

    The fact is, hubby and I will not be on the same page, no matter how much we try. We just see things much differently. Hubby does not relate to the idea of enabling, which, when it comes down to it, is what he is doing.

    I don't think I am angry about the triangulation, as I was impressed that difficult child saw reason to tell me what was going on.

    Hubby does not walk his talk. We havev been married 35+ years, and it is going downhill for me. Financial infidelity is the worst of its kind. The, spread a heavy layer of hubby and I not agreeing on spending/saving. Add the salad- hubby doesn't believe I know how to handle money, or that I am good at it, and what I say doesn't hold water. Here, we have created the sandwich of money angst, constant barbs and bickering. I try to pay off bills; hubby spends what we really don't have. He won't listen to me. So, I save part of my own pay, and do the best I can with bills. We don't get behind, but we aren't getting any further ahead, either. Hubby won't agree to counseling.

    I read a story today about how to judge whether to file bankruptcy or not. It was interesting. But, when I came to the part where it stated that if you can't realisitically pay off the bills during a 5 year period, that is the time to consider bankruptcy, My stomach dropped. If things remain as they are, I can pay bills in my name only off in that period. However, if hubby were to try to reach that goal, I honestly don't think it would be possible.

    So, I am off for a trip to the south, and will have much time to ruminate over recent events. Will I come up with viable solutions?