The saga continues..know its not new to most of you, but feel the need to write...

[rosepress]

My 19 year old son we kicked out almost 3 weeks ago, called my husband to ask him if he could have a few things he left over the house. My husband agreed so he came over, while he was there, he took some stuff that we wish he didnt, but it was his, so we didnt have much to say, but we knew he was going to try to sell it for money. HE asked where something else was of his and my husband said he had no idea, although he did and my son left our house, hit the side of the garage with his fist, said a few words and peeled out in his "beater" car that looked back enough...3 large dents, a crashed side and no wheel cover on his back tire...everything he practically owns in the back seat...he might as well have a sign on the side of the car, saying, "IM A HOMELESS DRUG ADDICT PULL ME OVER". A few blocks later, still upset, he was own his cell, and obviously not paying attention and ran into the car in front of him. The whole front is messed up, the headlights are demolished and the grill is totally inside the car. He called my husband(of course) and told him what he did. My husband asked him what he wanted from him. HE told him that he needed to be picked up, had no where to go, and no money. HE reminded my husband that he has court today from a previous possession charge and wants to ask the judge for an extension since he has no money. My husband told him the only way he would do that was if he went to treatment.

My son keeps saying, he does not want to quit. HE smokes weed and does the pill thing...many pills. He lost his job and he wanted to use the job as a reference and the only way he can keep his job is to go to treatment and then they test him before he comes back. His plan is to go to treatment, get tested, than few days later, quit and look for another job. We are thinking like, "you got to be kidding?"...anyway, he agreed to get an evaulation at the treatment center, we got to go in with him with his permission to ask the lady anything we wanted, and we were surprised that he was very honest with her. My son got kicked out of our house the last time because he disrespected us with the horrible use of language to me and his father, knowing it was the pills that were talking, but never the less, it was and is still a big deal. He has lost both jobs, he lost a girlfriend, he lost his apartment, got robbed several times, beat up, and now had his 5th accident and you should hear him talk on the phone with some friends, as if he didnt have a care in the world. My rock bottom would have been way back after loosing my job and apartment....not him, he dont think like most people...hes not afraid of anything, he is a thinker not a doer...he doesnt worry about tomorrow, just for right now....its the ODD.

HE is scheduled for a outpatient program and I am here to say, I know he will just be going through the emotions. I dont like the weed, but its the pills that scare us..its the pills that alter his mood swings and he abuses the dosage. HE needs to be on some medication for his ADD-ODD, but for the time being, we hope that something, somewhere, perhaps just a little something will trigger a thought or change his mind about what hes doing, or make him think. This treatment center is suppose to be one of the best. I sat down with him last night and told him that this was really his last chance to get his act together and that he needs to step up and be a man. HE needs to quit selling drugs and get a real job or/and go to school. I told him that I love him, would do anything if he wanted to get better and change his life, but I have issues of my own health wise, and I have a husband who works 12 hours a day to take care of and a 12 year old son who is NOTgoing to get cheated out of a childhood like we gave him and that we have to take care of "us" also. I told him if he disrespected me or his father in any way while he was here, he will be right back on the streets and I wouldnt blink an eye to do it. I am passed the crying stage, and now I am mad, mad that he doesnt care about what he does to others, he thinks the world owes him something and he talks as if he is this thug at times....threatening things to people if they look at him the wrong way...where is the sweet boy we raised? When we were in the closed session with this lady at the assessment, he was smiling and so nice o her, as soon as she left, he turned angry, ready to explode...he actually purposely sat on his hands to keep him calm..

Drug addicts make choices and so can their families.

Thanks for all the great advice. I will look up a meeting in my area because I think we will need it. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Nancy]

Hang in there rosepress. I am here to tell you my daughter went down the same road your son is going. Your comment about the pills is so true, I was upset about the drinking underage and smoking pot but panicked when I knew she was experimenting with pills. Thankfully that stopped but it stopped my heart for a bit. An dmy difficult child drove around in her beat up car that she smashed up by hitting other cars and leaving with all her belogings in the back seat and trunk. I'm sure she slept there some nights. And I hid some of her things that I knew she would sell so when she came to pick them up I lied and said I had no idea where they were. My rock bottom would have been so much higher than hers also. So many times I thought how I would never let myself get that low and yet she found ways to go lower.

Stand your ground, know what you will and will not accept in your home. He may have to be homeless for a while before he gets it.

 

[toughlovin]

Rose... you sound like you are strong and hold on to that. It will probably continue to be a rocky ride for awhile....I agree that mad is better than sad. I find anger fuels me to action and taking a stand, sadness tends to make me either enable or immobilize me. I agree stand your ground. Continue to let him know you love him and will support positve steps on his part but will not support him in any way in his drug use. Dont give him money for anything... if you get him anything, pay directly and with a credit card. And hang in there and keep coming here!!

TL

 

[ILMS]

Rose - I kicked my 19 year old son out also. I am not sure if he is doing pills, but I suspect he might be. My son was dignoased with ADHD but I have always wondered if he has ODD too. I have taken him to psychologists to get him evaluated, and they all say no, he doesn't. He can put on such an act though, even with the psychologists. It is very frustrating. I can relate what you said about being over the crying and being mad, that is exactly how I feel right now. He went through a 6-month drug rehab, did great, we supported him, have done everything we cna to help him get his life straightened out, and he continues to make bad choices, hang out with druggies, steal, lie, etc., etc. I am trying to detach myself as much as possible.

 

[Signorina]

Oh Rose - I too have been there done that. I am sending you lots of supportive hugs.

I remember writing in my journal that if we made the bar any lower, we would have to start digging a hole. At some point - you just have to say enough is enough. If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. My own pcs were 13 and 16 -- and good as gold - but please know that your 12 year old is watching. You have to set standards and enforce them. When I was new here, and pouring out a story much like yours, one of the regular posters basically took me to task and told me that when I placated my difficult child, I handed him all the control. We had spent 3 months with difficult child under our roof afraid trying to ignore the obvious issues, trying not to make waves and go with the flow. It back fired badly because we did hand him the control. Until it got too far and he left and my family was fractured.

You did the right thing by sitting him down and spelling out the ground rules. I am one who always agrees that we have to get them into help by any means possible - so if it means that you let him back home as a trial - you do that. But stick to those ground rules. For yourself and your easy child. It will be the hardest thing in the world, remember the resolve you have today and draw on it if necessary. I wish you peace in the days ahead.