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The Saga Continues: wow....just wow. :(
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 644423" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Geez, I always sound like such a know it all.</p><p></p><p>Well, good morning and here goes:</p><p></p><p>I am seeing this time as a valuable, almost priceless, learning process. It's okay that he lost his job. He will find another or he won't and that's okay, too. If you don't feel that way right now, then if you can do it, work toward teaching yourself to feel that way. </p><p></p><p>Really, you rented the apartment to end the conflict in your own hearts over how to handle your young son's homelessness in winter. I think that was the right thing to do <em>for your own peace of mind</em>. For me, it never really had anything to do with your son. I know what it is like to have a child homeless in winter. It is worth the money to have the peace of mind.</p><p></p><p>It could be that your son will find another job <em>but that is up to him.</em> </p><p></p><p>This might be the time to have a conversation with him about where he might have been now (sophomore in college, right?) and where his life is going instead, and why. I agree with MWM that there are drugs involved. We knew drugs were involved with our son, too. We believed it was a little this, a little that, recreational use. We beat ourselves and each other half to death over where we had gone wrong as parents that we had <em>two</em> kids go wrong. Then, we learned: It was cocaine. It was meth. It was all kinds of horrible things that we just refused to see. (Though I will say that difficult child son was highly incensed when I accused him of using crack. That, apparently, is only used by poor people. WTF???)</p><p></p><p>This might be the time to mention whether this set of friends your son has developed such loyalty for have been good friends. This is definitely the time to have the conversation about theft and self respect and motivation. </p><p></p><p>Six months passes very quickly.</p><p></p><p>Prepare him now for the time you will back away and put responsibility for that on him.</p><p></p><p>This is his preparation time.</p><p></p><p>He could be a sophomore in college this year with parents who would willingly fund and house him through whatever advanced degree he wanted to take.</p><p></p><p>Instead, he stole from you and is living on the streets.</p><p></p><p>Now that he is housed, you and Jabber need to come up with a plan.</p><p></p><p>Have you discussed rehab?</p><p></p><p>I think your son needs to hear that you are sorry he lost his job, but you are sure he will be just fine.</p><p></p><p>That's it.</p><p></p><p>I had to learn to say that.</p><p></p><p>"Oh, I am sorry that happened! What are you going to do?"</p><p></p><p>Or, "Oh, I'm sorry that happened, but I know you will take care of it. Everything is going to be just fine."</p><p></p><p>"I am not giving you any more money. You need to stand up. You need to become the man your father and I raised you to be."</p><p></p><p>"You were raised better than to do what you are doing."</p><p></p><p>He doesn't need to hear you ask whether he has eaten or whether he needs rides or whether you love him.</p><p></p><p>You do love him.</p><p></p><p>If you think he is cold, buy him socks. Bring him a special dish that he likes. Buy him those little envelopes of instant cocoa. </p><p></p><p>But don't ask him if he's hungry, or whether he has eaten. It is one thing to share largesse and another to take responsibility.</p><p></p><p>It might motivate him to think about things differently to hear about the wonderful dinner you two had last night, or the lovely trip you are planning to warmer climes.</p><p></p><p>Get him thinking.</p><p></p><p>If he is not in school, his life is his own <em>and so is yours.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I think you need to use this respite, this time when he is not homeless, to decide what you need to see from him. Then, once you know yourselves, that is all you tell him.</p><p></p><p>It's like blackmail for his own sake.</p><p></p><p>And it probably won't work <em>but it will help you to put limits on this crazy thing that is happening to all of your lives.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Here I go sounding like a know it all again, but I kind of do know. There will come a time when you will see things differently. For most of us (for me, for sure) it took <em>years</em>. I couldn't believe it wasn't going to turn around. I knew my son's heart, and it was good. It still is.</p><p></p><p>But addiction is addiction.</p><p></p><p>So, husband and I had to devise a plan. Well, husband didn't. husband had to devise a plan to figure out what to hay to do with me, actually. But I had to make a place in my head where what I wanted to see from my son had more value, for him and for me, than the things I wanted to protect him from. </p><p></p><p>Though drug use definitely compounds her situation, difficult child daughter is a different thing altogether. </p><p></p><p>Anyway.</p><p></p><p>Whatever difficult child son looked like he needed, what he needed was to stand up. Whatever it looked like he needed, what he really needed was to become the man his father and I raised him to be.</p><p></p><p>The thing I taught myself was that I would accept nothing less.</p><p></p><p>It was really important, for my son's own sake, that he change. I would be remiss in encouraging further dependence. <em>For his own sake.</em></p><p></p><p>So, that's how I had to look at it before I could get myself to begin to choose to try detachment. </p><p></p><p>Detachment has seemed to help my son very much.</p><p></p><p>He knows we are not giving money. Not only has he stopped asking, but he's made enough money that he is buying things like sofas.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 644423, member: 17461"] Geez, I always sound like such a know it all. Well, good morning and here goes: I am seeing this time as a valuable, almost priceless, learning process. It's okay that he lost his job. He will find another or he won't and that's okay, too. If you don't feel that way right now, then if you can do it, work toward teaching yourself to feel that way. Really, you rented the apartment to end the conflict in your own hearts over how to handle your young son's homelessness in winter. I think that was the right thing to do [I]for your own peace of mind[/I]. For me, it never really had anything to do with your son. I know what it is like to have a child homeless in winter. It is worth the money to have the peace of mind. It could be that your son will find another job [I]but that is up to him.[/I] This might be the time to have a conversation with him about where he might have been now (sophomore in college, right?) and where his life is going instead, and why. I agree with MWM that there are drugs involved. We knew drugs were involved with our son, too. We believed it was a little this, a little that, recreational use. We beat ourselves and each other half to death over where we had gone wrong as parents that we had [I]two[/I] kids go wrong. Then, we learned: It was cocaine. It was meth. It was all kinds of horrible things that we just refused to see. (Though I will say that difficult child son was highly incensed when I accused him of using crack. That, apparently, is only used by poor people. WTF???) This might be the time to mention whether this set of friends your son has developed such loyalty for have been good friends. This is definitely the time to have the conversation about theft and self respect and motivation. Six months passes very quickly. Prepare him now for the time you will back away and put responsibility for that on him. This is his preparation time. He could be a sophomore in college this year with parents who would willingly fund and house him through whatever advanced degree he wanted to take. Instead, he stole from you and is living on the streets. Now that he is housed, you and Jabber need to come up with a plan. Have you discussed rehab? I think your son needs to hear that you are sorry he lost his job, but you are sure he will be just fine. That's it. I had to learn to say that. "Oh, I am sorry that happened! What are you going to do?" Or, "Oh, I'm sorry that happened, but I know you will take care of it. Everything is going to be just fine." "I am not giving you any more money. You need to stand up. You need to become the man your father and I raised you to be." "You were raised better than to do what you are doing." He doesn't need to hear you ask whether he has eaten or whether he needs rides or whether you love him. You do love him. If you think he is cold, buy him socks. Bring him a special dish that he likes. Buy him those little envelopes of instant cocoa. But don't ask him if he's hungry, or whether he has eaten. It is one thing to share largesse and another to take responsibility. It might motivate him to think about things differently to hear about the wonderful dinner you two had last night, or the lovely trip you are planning to warmer climes. Get him thinking. If he is not in school, his life is his own [I]and so is yours. [/I] I think you need to use this respite, this time when he is not homeless, to decide what you need to see from him. Then, once you know yourselves, that is all you tell him. It's like blackmail for his own sake. And it probably won't work [I]but it will help you to put limits on this crazy thing that is happening to all of your lives. [/I] Here I go sounding like a know it all again, but I kind of do know. There will come a time when you will see things differently. For most of us (for me, for sure) it took [I]years[/I]. I couldn't believe it wasn't going to turn around. I knew my son's heart, and it was good. It still is. But addiction is addiction. So, husband and I had to devise a plan. Well, husband didn't. husband had to devise a plan to figure out what to hay to do with me, actually. But I had to make a place in my head where what I wanted to see from my son had more value, for him and for me, than the things I wanted to protect him from. Though drug use definitely compounds her situation, difficult child daughter is a different thing altogether. Anyway. Whatever difficult child son looked like he needed, what he needed was to stand up. Whatever it looked like he needed, what he really needed was to become the man his father and I raised him to be. The thing I taught myself was that I would accept nothing less. It was really important, for my son's own sake, that he change. I would be remiss in encouraging further dependence. [I]For his own sake.[/I] So, that's how I had to look at it before I could get myself to begin to choose to try detachment. Detachment has seemed to help my son very much. He knows we are not giving money. Not only has he stopped asking, but he's made enough money that he is buying things like sofas. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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