No, katie has no clue how to keep the kids from doing anything. Observation is that they use outrageous bribery or intimidation. The problem with the bribery is that they never follow through with a promise, so the kids really don't believe them. So that leaves the intimidation which only works when M is really fed up. No parenting skills. The kids do fine with other people, just not with their parents.
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)? I don't think so. Katie has none of the physical characteristics. husband says biomom didn't drink while she was pregnant. Well, as far as he knew she didn't.
It's like she stopped in development when she stopped coming and visit us. Her grandmother there in Mo (adopted / close friend of the family since before even biomom was born) used to call and gush about how utterly different katie was every time she came home from our house. She'd be more confident, happy, active, well mannered ect.......and it would last only about 2-3 wks and she would be back to her old self again. She'd beg me to have husband go for custody of katie. Only I wouldn't because we had no evidence any real abuse nor neglect was going on........although I was sure there was. We didn't have a leg to stand on as far as gaining full custody.
I do understand that can happen in some severe cases of a controlling parent who is abusive ect. And I know for a fact her grandfather and mother were severely controlling over her as a child. So I do try to keep that in mind when dealing with her, but it's really hard to do when you're looking at a 31 yr old who acts like a 13-14 yr old and you just want to slap her silly and tell her to get with the program already.
Something I AM finding interesting, and didn't expect, is that she is not pushing me away for burning her ears. Instead, she "seems" to be seriously thinking about what I'm telling her and trying to see it a different way. Appeared to be that way in response to the ear burning mail. So maybe there is still a little hope. Maybe.
It's like aliens came and picked her up at age 14...........then dumped her back on earth again at age 31, with 3 kids and moron man, and yet she's still just 14 yr old. IF I believe her about not using drugs, then she is even more developmentally delayed than I first believed. Because if she's not using (regardless I'm positive M is) then she has very few skills to function as a human being in the adult world, let alone as a parent of 3 kids. She's been told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, what to think, what to say, for so long.......first by her grandpa and biomom, then by M.......that she doesn't have much clue how to do it for herself.
I'll find situations to help Kayla feel closer to me. That's a given.
But I'm going to start creating situations where katie comes to bond with me and her sisters alone, much like I'll be doing for kayla, so that she too relearns old trust......because katie has to discover who katie is, and learn that it's ok to deal with her past with people she trusts.
M reminds me in his physical appearance of the victims of Nazi concentration camps. And yeah, he still looks like he's going to drop dead at any moment. I don't see how the man can stay upright.
Katie reminds me, the more I get to talk to her alone, of someone who has been trapped in a POW camp for about 20 yrs.
The only positive I see is that she continues to reach out, even when she gets her ears burned for doing something stupid or morally wrong. This is a first for her. Before she'd just retreat behind her wall. Maybe that's why I keep right on trying when I want to give up.
