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The story of my son, hard to write.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710496" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Bart. This is a painful thread to read because my son shares many of your son's characteristics and I share some with you.</p><p></p><p>Sometime back on this forum I wrote that I no longer believed in hope and that hope, to me, was a hurtful and useless thing. Because I lack any control over my son's life or future...to hope was to have a fantasy, a fantasy that will crash and burn, at the whim or will of another person (my son) over whom I have no control.</p><p></p><p>I can have hope for myself. But my issue so far is that I seem unable to keep my son far enough away from me, or hold the relationship with him in such a way--that I do not allow him to rain on my parade. I give up myself--when he hurts me, or I cause his hurt to take away my own hope and sense that I deserve anything from life.</p><p></p><p>It is as if I need to hope for him, to have hope for myself.</p><p></p><p>I think the keys for you are as the other posters have suggested: let go of the tether, to the extent that you are able. Begin to have the expectation that he be responsible for his own upkeep, to solve his own problems and be self-determining. Begin to free yourselves from the burdens of lifestyle choices that he makes. He is responsible. Not you. We cannot micromanage or engineer the lives of other adults. Even, maybe especially, those we love.</p><p></p><p>That said, this process is fraught with minefields and nuances. It is really hardly ever clear, at least for me, what is the right thing to do or how to do it. Actually, I think this lack of certainty serves me, because I think rigidity in these situations can lead to heartbreak and to great loss for all around.</p><p></p><p>I forced my son out of my house and would not let him come back for over four years except for short visits which were disastrous. My son did not find his bottom. He got worse, and got more problems, including the weed habit.</p><p></p><p>We have been trying to FORCE HIM to be productive and to live constructively and meaningful. Well, that does not work either.</p><p></p><p>These things need to be negotiated. By that I mean, not negotiated with him, but negotiated with the reality that you are facing, and than re-calibrated over and over again. But the starting point is: <u>he has full control over his life and full responsibility for it.</u> You can read my threads to see exactly how successful I have been. Not.</p><p></p><p>My son is living now at a home we own. *He has been in and out, back and forth, for 13 months.</p><p></p><p>I have pretty much come to the sense that if he pays us a market rent, I have no right or responsibility to ask much more beyond the obligations of a renter: follow the law, care for the property. But I have come to the point I will not allow him to be here in my house, even to visit. Or at least, I think I am in this spot.</p><p></p><p>M, my SO, thinks differently. He believes we have to fight and continue fighting to support my son to become a useful and responsible person who can live around other people. He thinks this is our responsibility.</p><p></p><p>To a point, my son has followed through. But at the same time, you can't make somebody into somebody they are not. And you can't make somebody do what they do not want to do or stop what they want to do.</p><p></p><p>So somewhere between these two ways of thinking, we are trying to find a way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710496, member: 18958"] Bart. This is a painful thread to read because my son shares many of your son's characteristics and I share some with you. Sometime back on this forum I wrote that I no longer believed in hope and that hope, to me, was a hurtful and useless thing. Because I lack any control over my son's life or future...to hope was to have a fantasy, a fantasy that will crash and burn, at the whim or will of another person (my son) over whom I have no control. I can have hope for myself. But my issue so far is that I seem unable to keep my son far enough away from me, or hold the relationship with him in such a way--that I do not allow him to rain on my parade. I give up myself--when he hurts me, or I cause his hurt to take away my own hope and sense that I deserve anything from life. It is as if I need to hope for him, to have hope for myself. I think the keys for you are as the other posters have suggested: let go of the tether, to the extent that you are able. Begin to have the expectation that he be responsible for his own upkeep, to solve his own problems and be self-determining. Begin to free yourselves from the burdens of lifestyle choices that he makes. He is responsible. Not you. We cannot micromanage or engineer the lives of other adults. Even, maybe especially, those we love. That said, this process is fraught with minefields and nuances. It is really hardly ever clear, at least for me, what is the right thing to do or how to do it. Actually, I think this lack of certainty serves me, because I think rigidity in these situations can lead to heartbreak and to great loss for all around. I forced my son out of my house and would not let him come back for over four years except for short visits which were disastrous. My son did not find his bottom. He got worse, and got more problems, including the weed habit. We have been trying to FORCE HIM to be productive and to live constructively and meaningful. Well, that does not work either. These things need to be negotiated. By that I mean, not negotiated with him, but negotiated with the reality that you are facing, and than re-calibrated over and over again. But the starting point is: [U]he has full control over his life and full responsibility for it.[/U] You can read my threads to see exactly how successful I have been. Not. My son is living now at a home we own. *He has been in and out, back and forth, for 13 months. I have pretty much come to the sense that if he pays us a market rent, I have no right or responsibility to ask much more beyond the obligations of a renter: follow the law, care for the property. But I have come to the point I will not allow him to be here in my house, even to visit. Or at least, I think I am in this spot. M, my SO, thinks differently. He believes we have to fight and continue fighting to support my son to become a useful and responsible person who can live around other people. He thinks this is our responsibility. To a point, my son has followed through. But at the same time, you can't make somebody into somebody they are not. And you can't make somebody do what they do not want to do or stop what they want to do. So somewhere between these two ways of thinking, we are trying to find a way. [/QUOTE]
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