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The suicide letter..and the drama king
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 465846" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>just tired, </p><p></p><p>I will again differ to the fact that what you are dealing with needs a professional response/help. I can't stress this enough. MOSTLY because what you are dealing with is not a garden variety mentally ill or manipulative child. You have chose to allow a 24 year old man to continue to live with you. You have chosen to lay down some very drasticly changed rules which while extremely needed and good for you? It's rocking his world and there could be retalliations. By retalliations I mean reprisals of an adult kind. Right now? He's trying childish things because it's worked in the past, and it's what he knows, or is familiar with gaining success with. Once those things run their course and he's not able to gain his way? He'll up the ante. When that happens? You'd better have a plan a., and a plan b. Be unified in your parenting, and know what it is that the two of your (meaning you and husband) agree to do when the WHAT IF's happen. Call it your contingency plan if you will. If you try to make it up as you go, or don't have someone professional telling you - If you do THIS (A) C,D,E,F or G - may occur.....and here is what we can plan now so that we are prepared and you are NOT caught unaware. </p><p></p><p>Like the "I swallowed tylenol" - Okay......When my son did that the first time? I had already dealt with numerous (sad to say) suicide attempts. So I had a plan. DF and I both knew and said IF there was a legitimate suicide plan or a "FAKE" suicide attempt? ALL VERBAL RESPONSES to do with the word SUICIDE will be deemed and dealt with as if they were 100% legitimate - WE are not doctors, WE are not psychiatrists, and WE can't decide what is in a persons head - SO in my world - IF you say "I am going to kill myself 0r I want to die, or I am thinking about dying and those feelings have been voiced more than once - WE do not react to the person, we call 911 and allow the professionals to deal with that person. SHOULD the attempt be real? I am probably not going to be able to talk them out of it anyway, and should the attempt be a fake and I give it latitude? Then I'm giving attention that is unnecessary for a behavior that is not asking for negative attention but a cry for help. Since I don't know what kind of help to administer? I let the professionals do what they can, and the rest is up to the person as to where they go from there. Again - it just can't be my call. To finish my story - my son did have 2 legitimate suicide attempts. Both hangings. Both were caught in time, and he was in treatment at the time (both times on Zoloft which was not a good choice of AD for him obviously, first at age 10 and again at age 16). The third suicide attempt was the tylenol scare and I merely walked out and told DF to call the ambulance, and let them take him to the ER - ALONE. WE did follow some time later, but since he didn't get the REACTION he was looking for - and got put in the psychiatric ward instead and we left? It did NOT get him what he wanted. I explained later if he persisted in killing himself it was his life - he could do as he pleased. I was very droll and dry about the whole conversation. I did say I loved him, and would miss him - but I wasn't buying the BS. And asked him later HOW he would know how anyone felt about his death if he was gone? He sure wouldn't see anyones reactions. (food for thought) </p><p></p><p>Our plan B in that whole mess? Locked up every single pill, sharp object and put them in a safe for the entire time he lived with us. Not even so much as a laxative was ever allowed out of under lock and key. Even cleaning chemicals and pesticides were locked up. Not fool-proof (and I mean fool) however I personally had to know that I went the extra mile in preventing what I could. There were still 100 ways he could have killed himself with household objects and eventually - I took the cleaning supplies out and put them back in the pantry. That was part of MY therapy. My going overboard. </p><p></p><p>There are so many things, good things, that our kids could be doing - and yet we have to sit back and watch them do and say, and feel seemingly all the bad things. I would have thought my 18 my son and I would have had a great relationship - preparing him for the world, and (record needle skipping across a record sound here) it didn't happen that way. Instead we got to see what felt like the underbelly of Hades itself. Somedays I joked with people here that Satan had a vacation and left me in charge of the real hell. Some days I wondered how many times you could readjust your dreams and your wishes and your values for your children before they just dissipated completely like fog and became thinner than air? Okay so to start? I had given birth to the Next President of the US, and by fourth grade, maybe a veterinarian, and by seventh grade, oh dear me I hope he makes it to High school, and by high school - OMG I hope he makes it out of prison alive and not all gang related and changed by the system, and by the time he got out of jail? Oh dear me could he please just stay off drugs and find a job, maybe get a GED and find a nice girl, and someday we'll have a nice conversation? And now? Now I pray for him to be saved, for his happiness, for him to be a decent person inside and out, for him to find his purpose in life, have enough to eat, be kind to others, and animals.....call me at least once a week so I don't lay awake at night worrying when I hear a news cast at 3am that says "a body was found in a canal.' Hope he realizes that he IS a wonderful young man, that the past IS behind him, that the nightmares stop for him - it's so unfair, that he can find a job- support himself, and over all be happy with who he is and not so angry....just at peace with his life and who he's become - and let the past be just that. Somewhere in that? Has to be something good for him., and me too. So you do readjust your dreams and lower your expectations. I realize he may never be president, or a veterinarian.....those were my dreams for him. I do hope that he's able to cope with the world, stay away from drugs and booze, find a good family for his life.......and just put anger and stupid things behind him - Maybe with age...maybe with all the things we tried to do for him that seemed like they didn't work - they will later? I dunno. </p><p></p><p>I do know that at 21? After throwing him out, and literally making him live on the streets -----or how ever he could - (by his own wit) he has called, and has apologized for a lot of things. He's admitted he was wrong either in his own way or outright. I'm not calling it a miracle just yet because I am so jaded I keep waiting for the back-last effect to happen. Like he calls, he says things about his day...tells me he's really sorry for XYZ and then three days later calls for money. Call me cautious, but in three years? I think maybe I've shared only two or three of the good feelings with the board. There have been more, and I remain optimistic - but very cautiously optimistic because like most here - I've been so hurt - I just can't allow that to happen. </p><p></p><p>It's almost ironic isn't it? Seems like when the good things would start happening after so much heartache - so many years of heartache that now would be the absolute time to jump for joy, rally your friends and wave the proverbial parent banner saying WE MADE IT, or LOOK AT MY SON......and yet - you have have so many years of being guarded the one thing you wanted so much more than anything else all these years you have to deny yourself - for fear...it's all an illusion again. (huh) ...laughing.....maybe I should change my name from Star to Oasis. hahahhaa...ahem. (well an Oasis is a hottie too) .....oh go on you wicked thing. </p><p></p><p>Anyway - you wanted to know...so I thought I'd tell you. And do not let the stigma of "shhhhhhhh we're seeing a therapist or a shrink or a head dude or a mental doctor" get to you. Think of it as a life - coach for a very obtuse family player. Then seek ye ----the couch. lol - okay mine had a couch but I really dug his lazy boy rocker. plush. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 465846, member: 4964"] just tired, I will again differ to the fact that what you are dealing with needs a professional response/help. I can't stress this enough. MOSTLY because what you are dealing with is not a garden variety mentally ill or manipulative child. You have chose to allow a 24 year old man to continue to live with you. You have chosen to lay down some very drasticly changed rules which while extremely needed and good for you? It's rocking his world and there could be retalliations. By retalliations I mean reprisals of an adult kind. Right now? He's trying childish things because it's worked in the past, and it's what he knows, or is familiar with gaining success with. Once those things run their course and he's not able to gain his way? He'll up the ante. When that happens? You'd better have a plan a., and a plan b. Be unified in your parenting, and know what it is that the two of your (meaning you and husband) agree to do when the WHAT IF's happen. Call it your contingency plan if you will. If you try to make it up as you go, or don't have someone professional telling you - If you do THIS (A) C,D,E,F or G - may occur.....and here is what we can plan now so that we are prepared and you are NOT caught unaware. Like the "I swallowed tylenol" - Okay......When my son did that the first time? I had already dealt with numerous (sad to say) suicide attempts. So I had a plan. DF and I both knew and said IF there was a legitimate suicide plan or a "FAKE" suicide attempt? ALL VERBAL RESPONSES to do with the word SUICIDE will be deemed and dealt with as if they were 100% legitimate - WE are not doctors, WE are not psychiatrists, and WE can't decide what is in a persons head - SO in my world - IF you say "I am going to kill myself 0r I want to die, or I am thinking about dying and those feelings have been voiced more than once - WE do not react to the person, we call 911 and allow the professionals to deal with that person. SHOULD the attempt be real? I am probably not going to be able to talk them out of it anyway, and should the attempt be a fake and I give it latitude? Then I'm giving attention that is unnecessary for a behavior that is not asking for negative attention but a cry for help. Since I don't know what kind of help to administer? I let the professionals do what they can, and the rest is up to the person as to where they go from there. Again - it just can't be my call. To finish my story - my son did have 2 legitimate suicide attempts. Both hangings. Both were caught in time, and he was in treatment at the time (both times on Zoloft which was not a good choice of AD for him obviously, first at age 10 and again at age 16). The third suicide attempt was the tylenol scare and I merely walked out and told DF to call the ambulance, and let them take him to the ER - ALONE. WE did follow some time later, but since he didn't get the REACTION he was looking for - and got put in the psychiatric ward instead and we left? It did NOT get him what he wanted. I explained later if he persisted in killing himself it was his life - he could do as he pleased. I was very droll and dry about the whole conversation. I did say I loved him, and would miss him - but I wasn't buying the BS. And asked him later HOW he would know how anyone felt about his death if he was gone? He sure wouldn't see anyones reactions. (food for thought) Our plan B in that whole mess? Locked up every single pill, sharp object and put them in a safe for the entire time he lived with us. Not even so much as a laxative was ever allowed out of under lock and key. Even cleaning chemicals and pesticides were locked up. Not fool-proof (and I mean fool) however I personally had to know that I went the extra mile in preventing what I could. There were still 100 ways he could have killed himself with household objects and eventually - I took the cleaning supplies out and put them back in the pantry. That was part of MY therapy. My going overboard. There are so many things, good things, that our kids could be doing - and yet we have to sit back and watch them do and say, and feel seemingly all the bad things. I would have thought my 18 my son and I would have had a great relationship - preparing him for the world, and (record needle skipping across a record sound here) it didn't happen that way. Instead we got to see what felt like the underbelly of Hades itself. Somedays I joked with people here that Satan had a vacation and left me in charge of the real hell. Some days I wondered how many times you could readjust your dreams and your wishes and your values for your children before they just dissipated completely like fog and became thinner than air? Okay so to start? I had given birth to the Next President of the US, and by fourth grade, maybe a veterinarian, and by seventh grade, oh dear me I hope he makes it to High school, and by high school - OMG I hope he makes it out of prison alive and not all gang related and changed by the system, and by the time he got out of jail? Oh dear me could he please just stay off drugs and find a job, maybe get a GED and find a nice girl, and someday we'll have a nice conversation? And now? Now I pray for him to be saved, for his happiness, for him to be a decent person inside and out, for him to find his purpose in life, have enough to eat, be kind to others, and animals.....call me at least once a week so I don't lay awake at night worrying when I hear a news cast at 3am that says "a body was found in a canal.' Hope he realizes that he IS a wonderful young man, that the past IS behind him, that the nightmares stop for him - it's so unfair, that he can find a job- support himself, and over all be happy with who he is and not so angry....just at peace with his life and who he's become - and let the past be just that. Somewhere in that? Has to be something good for him., and me too. So you do readjust your dreams and lower your expectations. I realize he may never be president, or a veterinarian.....those were my dreams for him. I do hope that he's able to cope with the world, stay away from drugs and booze, find a good family for his life.......and just put anger and stupid things behind him - Maybe with age...maybe with all the things we tried to do for him that seemed like they didn't work - they will later? I dunno. I do know that at 21? After throwing him out, and literally making him live on the streets -----or how ever he could - (by his own wit) he has called, and has apologized for a lot of things. He's admitted he was wrong either in his own way or outright. I'm not calling it a miracle just yet because I am so jaded I keep waiting for the back-last effect to happen. Like he calls, he says things about his day...tells me he's really sorry for XYZ and then three days later calls for money. Call me cautious, but in three years? I think maybe I've shared only two or three of the good feelings with the board. There have been more, and I remain optimistic - but very cautiously optimistic because like most here - I've been so hurt - I just can't allow that to happen. It's almost ironic isn't it? Seems like when the good things would start happening after so much heartache - so many years of heartache that now would be the absolute time to jump for joy, rally your friends and wave the proverbial parent banner saying WE MADE IT, or LOOK AT MY SON......and yet - you have have so many years of being guarded the one thing you wanted so much more than anything else all these years you have to deny yourself - for fear...it's all an illusion again. (huh) ...laughing.....maybe I should change my name from Star to Oasis. hahahhaa...ahem. (well an Oasis is a hottie too) .....oh go on you wicked thing. Anyway - you wanted to know...so I thought I'd tell you. And do not let the stigma of "shhhhhhhh we're seeing a therapist or a shrink or a head dude or a mental doctor" get to you. Think of it as a life - coach for a very obtuse family player. Then seek ye ----the couch. lol - okay mine had a couch but I really dug his lazy boy rocker. plush. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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The suicide letter..and the drama king
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