The tangled web I weave....

[1905]

I'm sorry, I haven't been posting here, only lurking. I'm losing my mind at the moment and should call the dr, but I'm scared, because he caught me in a lie.

I have to explain- since Dec 12, I've been in 3 Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, for 4- 6 weeks each time. When I'm not there, I go to a 5 hour a day, 3x a week out- patient treatment center. I like to be skinny, and things keep getting out of hand, 5 weeks ago I was 88 pounds, and had to go in-patient to gain weight. I always say, never again! And I always mean it! I do. But.......anyway, I'm in an out-patient setting for the moment.

They weigh me every time and recently I have not been following my meal plan, not eating, and in order to "fool" the dr, I put things in my pocket, drank 3 bottles of water and stuffed my bra with tools (don't laugh). So it would appear I stayed the same weight.

So- of course after I drink all that water, and after they weigh me I have to go to the bathroom. Now the dr decided to re-weigh me last night at some point, and made me take everything off. Now the cat's out of the bag. husband is livid, he's been very supportive, considering all he's had to deal with- me, and taking care of the kids, and house, alone, while working, and visiting me on his days off- in another state.

Today, for real, I have been eating. I am feeling really anxiety and panic stricken and cannot stop shaking and crying. I'm scared. I feel like I'm crazy. The dr. is most likely mad at me or sick of my nonsense. I take buspar, but it's not really working.

If it was my child I would call.

 

[klmno]

It sounds like you already know the answer to this, to me. I'm so sorry you are going thru it. Is any therapist working with you for the anxiety or are they expecting medications aloone to treat it?

I know this is a serious problem but I chucklled a bit because I used to be majorly underweight- not because I wanted to be but I had eating problems due to other issues. Anyway, I wanted to go into the military and the recruiter pulled some of those same tricks so I could weigh in "heavy" enough to get accepted in with a weight waiver. It worked!

 

[slsh]

Many gentle hugs to you, hon. I think you *do* need to call your doctor. I'm absolutely positive you are not the first patient to try to wiggle around the system, and I'm also positive that your dr. is not going to be "mad". Frustrated maybe, but even that is probably too strong a word. You have a very serious illness and I would think that your doctor has probably seen it all. There is no quick fix - it's a process and every day that you do stick with- the program is a good day in my humble opinion. I would also guess that dr. decided to re-weigh you because something wasn't adding up. Sounds like a good dr. who knows what he/she is doing.

Please call him/her.

 

[trinityroyal]

UAN, sending you many very gentle hugs.

I don't think the doctor is mad at you or sick of your nonsense. Adding secret weights for weigh-in is common when you're being treated for eating disorders, and I suspect the doctor has seen it before.

Please do call your doctor. Especially if the medications you're currently on don't seem to be helping you.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending many gentle hugs. Please call your doctor.

 

[everywoman]

Call the dr.

 

[1905]

I'm feeling better at the moment, thank you for your replies. I did call the dr, he never called me back! Tomorrow I'll tell him what I think about that.

 

[gcvmom]

You really, REALLY need to get the anxiety under control medically, or no amount of Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s or inpatient or outpatient programs are going to make a dent in this for you. You can't do this alone. It's like asking a diabetic to go to a banquet without their insulin shot. Can't do it.

You KNOW you're sabotaging yourself and you admit it freely here. So the next step is to admit it freely to those who are trying to help you (husband, doctors, therapists) and demand a medication change so you have a chance at succeeding with this. You owe it to yourself to do this.

 

[susiestar]

First of all I am sending you many many hugs. Gentle ones, because hard ones hurt when you are that thin. I had an eating disorder as a child that was due to a disconnect where my brain did not receive hunger signals. I literally was NEVER hungry. Having a child reset whatever was wrong and it has not been a problem since. But I know how people look at you, and how much everything hurts and how you feel so terrible when you are that thin. I graduated high school at five feet tall and seventy nine pounds. I look at pictures and think about all the things I did to hide how thin I was and I just cringe now. It was so hard on me, and on all who loved me.

You have admitted the problem to us. That is a huge step. You now have to call the doctors. They won't be mad. They will be worried and maybe frustrated with themselves that they have not been able to help you enough. You MUST tell them about the anxiety and insist on medications to help with it. Gcvmom is right - until the medications are right you will not be able to get better. You may want to ask about zyprexa. My exsil has anorexia and bulimia. After my niece was born she stopped eating almost totally. The ob/gyn knew about the problems before my niece was born and he saw the signs two weeks after the birth. Exsil also had postpartum depression bordering on psychosis made worse because she wasn't eating. The zyprexa was the ONLY thing that helped. She has stayed mostly on it for the last four years because it helps with the anxiety and other problems that feed her eating disorders.

If you are not working with a therapist you are comfortable with, please find one. It is an important ingredient for your recovery.

You are in my prayers. PLEASE be open with your docs and try to follow your plan. Your family loves you and does not want to lose you.