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The truth comes out...maybe
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 645213" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is an excellent idea, and is even a very good way for you and Jabber to interpret what is happening. </p><p></p><p>difficult child <em>should</em> see what it is that happens when grown ups break the law. </p><p></p><p>He should hear that if he continues down the path he is on, his future will revolve, not around taking a Master's and then, a doctorate, but around court appearances and jails and prisons, and his life will not be his own. Say something about how we get where we go one thought, one small, inappropriate thing, at a time. Stress that we get to the good stuff the same way.</p><p></p><p>Which way he goes is up to him.</p><p></p><p>I wouldn't talk it to death. I would strive for "calm dominant." I would clarify my own understanding of how I want to think about this.</p><p></p><p>No more tears. </p><p></p><p>Your mission, should you choose to accept it (Remember Mission: Impossible?) is to bring yourselves and each other through this with as much grace and strength as you can muster.</p><p></p><p>It's a choice.</p><p></p><p>Calm dominant.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Can he visit someone in jail, see what a jail looks like, what it smells and feels like? Can he be made to understand this is one possible future for him, and can you contrast that with the future you and Jabber are prepared to help him achieve?</p><p></p><p>It could be that this is a blessing in disguise.</p><p></p><p>It could be.</p><p></p><p>So, that is how I would look at it. </p><p></p><p>Lil and Jabber, you will know more about the age at which legal charges become serious things. I would stress that. Just as you are considering helping him to the degree that you are able now, the day will come when you no longer believe in him, and your help will not be offered.</p><p></p><p>Your son did something wrong. If you could link all these little wrongnesses of thought and action into the creation of the criminal's lifepath...would that reach your difficult child?</p><p></p><p>Not even anger or sadness or pain, for the parents. It is what it is, and this is where it's going. difficult child can stop it now, or he can continue making the kinds of choices that will see him spending much of his lifetime in some stinking cell somewhere.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if that's true. I'm saying you could use this incident as a time to push home to difficult child just what he is getting in exchange for everything he is giving up.</p><p></p><p>Here is peace: Once you are through this, whatever you do and however it turns out, you will not feel as gutted, as desperate to turn back the clock, as you do, today.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>I remember the first time I saw difficult child daughter in handcuffs. She was fifteen. </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Lil, you can do this. We have talked here on the site about the clear, cold eyed decision to accept and survive.</p><p></p><p>I did it.</p><p></p><p>You can do it.</p><p></p><p>Throw yourself into your work; work so hard that you lose track of time.</p><p></p><p>That is how I did it.</p><p></p><p>Work, work, work.</p><p></p><p>One of us stripped her kitchen wallpaper to get herself through the worst of it. Then, she repainted the kitchen some horrible yellow that she hated...but that somehow felt just right.</p><p></p><p>Ugly and angry, and so she got it out where she could see it.</p><p></p><p>And that is how she saved herself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 645213, member: 17461"] This is an excellent idea, and is even a very good way for you and Jabber to interpret what is happening. difficult child [I]should[/I] see what it is that happens when grown ups break the law. He should hear that if he continues down the path he is on, his future will revolve, not around taking a Master's and then, a doctorate, but around court appearances and jails and prisons, and his life will not be his own. Say something about how we get where we go one thought, one small, inappropriate thing, at a time. Stress that we get to the good stuff the same way. Which way he goes is up to him. I wouldn't talk it to death. I would strive for "calm dominant." I would clarify my own understanding of how I want to think about this. No more tears. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (Remember Mission: Impossible?) is to bring yourselves and each other through this with as much grace and strength as you can muster. It's a choice. Calm dominant. *** Can he visit someone in jail, see what a jail looks like, what it smells and feels like? Can he be made to understand this is one possible future for him, and can you contrast that with the future you and Jabber are prepared to help him achieve? It could be that this is a blessing in disguise. It could be. So, that is how I would look at it. Lil and Jabber, you will know more about the age at which legal charges become serious things. I would stress that. Just as you are considering helping him to the degree that you are able now, the day will come when you no longer believe in him, and your help will not be offered. Your son did something wrong. If you could link all these little wrongnesses of thought and action into the creation of the criminal's lifepath...would that reach your difficult child? Not even anger or sadness or pain, for the parents. It is what it is, and this is where it's going. difficult child can stop it now, or he can continue making the kinds of choices that will see him spending much of his lifetime in some stinking cell somewhere. I don't know if that's true. I'm saying you could use this incident as a time to push home to difficult child just what he is getting in exchange for everything he is giving up. Here is peace: Once you are through this, whatever you do and however it turns out, you will not feel as gutted, as desperate to turn back the clock, as you do, today. Cedar I remember the first time I saw difficult child daughter in handcuffs. She was fifteen. *** Lil, you can do this. We have talked here on the site about the clear, cold eyed decision to accept and survive. I did it. You can do it. Throw yourself into your work; work so hard that you lose track of time. That is how I did it. Work, work, work. One of us stripped her kitchen wallpaper to get herself through the worst of it. Then, she repainted the kitchen some horrible yellow that she hated...but that somehow felt just right. Ugly and angry, and so she got it out where she could see it. And that is how she saved herself. [/QUOTE]
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