The truth...or not the truth?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I put a key logger on difficult child's laptop right after Christmas. It gave me his Facebook (FB) password.

    Last night, I saw and read through several month's worth of messages. I know teenagers lie and am hoping some of this may be lies either from difficult child or the other kids...but I know there is a ton of truth here too. Here's a summary of the big stuff.

    1. difficult child tried to join a frat in the fall. All of a sudden, they told him to leave. The story I now know is they think he date-raped a girl at one of their parties. He denies it.
    2. On one day, a guy asked difficult child if he knows where he can get a good deal on a tv. difficult child says a friend stole some a couple of days ago. Then another person two days later accuses difficult child of stealing tvs from his house.
    3. difficult child has been looking for alcohol off and on since after Christmas.
    4. difficult child has been drinking off and on since returning to the dorms last week.

    However, he also claims the following which I know is a lie:

    1. He has a three month old child.
    2. He left high school while a senior to enter college and is now a year ahead.
    3. He has competed world-wide in two extreme sports...including my personal favorite of all....he was in the 2009 Junior Olympics.

    I run between - he is an alcoholic...and addict....his disease is his business. I can do nothing.

    And....the alcoholism is a symptom of a deeper mental issue. His therapist first discussed this with me prior to the drinking becoming known. If he is bipolar, then he needs diagnosed and to comply with the medications. After that, if he chooses to drink, then I go back to point #1.

    Either way...I'm grieving. I'm scared. But, there's isn't anything I should do which I haven't already done.

    I read a lot in an Al-anon book last night and Codependent No More which helped. One thing said to think about how you are feeling and what you are thinking. You. Not them. So, that's how I choose to spend the rest of my day. I'm hoping and praying for all of you.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Not being a bipolar expert other than what people here say, my friends say and my sister who is bipolar.... It sure sounds like he may have some of those kinds of symptoms going on.

    Are you SURE he does not have a three month old child?

    IF he is using drugs he may indeed be stealing and the date rape could have happened if either or both things are going on.

    I am so sorry for you. What can you do at his age? It will be interesting to hear what the wise ones here say... but until then I really want to let you know I care and feel for you and for him.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're right you don't know what to believe and you also have no control over him. I can't criticize you for reading this stuff on the computer because I did it for years too. I had to know what I was dealing with and what she was really up to because we couldn;t believe any of her lies. It was horrible though because I obsessed over it and yet there wasn't anything I could do.

    I found out that difficult child did a lot of bad stuff I had no idea she did but it also confirmed some of my suspicions. Like your son she also embellished a lot. She told people her friends she was raped at age 14 because she didn't want to tell them she had sex with this guy that was on drugs. She also said she had sex with one of the popular football guys because she wanted everyone to think she was cool, until he found out and called her on it.

    I suspect that your son has done a lot of other things you don't know about. At some point something will happen to expose him and he will have to face consequences. All you can do right now is wait for that to happen and hope that some of these consequences will break through his denial that he has a problem.

  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    My heart goes out to you. I could go on and on on about the outlandish lies my difficult child has told (cousins dying in firey car crashes, raging,suidical, drunk mom (that would be me), pregnant, hospitalized....this is only a small portion). She is now drinking and using pot - whether this is full blowna abuse or addiction remains to be seen - but the huge lies predate any drinking or drug use by many years.

    In her case, I suspect BiPolar (BP). It may or may not be in your difficult child's case.

    No doubt you will hear from many of the others about the lies and how they tie in with BiPolar (BP) and or addiction, but I wanted to let you know that I do understand and sympathize with the shock of finding this out about your child.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Ah I too have been down this road. It worries me what my son pits on FB.... i mean some of it is not stuff he should be putting out there in public, and like you it is very hard to tell what is truth and what is lies. Rigth now he has me as a friend on fb (and I never put anything on his wall because I know he will then block me).

    You are right there is nothing you can do. It is very hard to sit with the uncertainty of their lives and where they are headed... but sit with it we must because there is nothing else we can do.

    As far as the mental health issues... we have that too. I know at a minimum m son has a mood disorder... but there have also been real questions about a personality disorder. I really don't know. What I have learned from various rehabs and treatment is that although it is good to look at both, you really can't get a clear mental health diagnosis while they are still using. They need to stop using substances first. Not the prescribed medications of course.. but the ones they are abusing.

    So really all you can do is let them know you will help them when they want to get help and that you won't enable them. That is where we are at..... and it has been a definite roller coaster. The one thing that I keep holding onto is that this particular ride started in September with my son seeking help and checking himself into a psychiatric unit. I did not do it for him or insist upon it in any way. He has relapsed and screwed up several times since then but I believe somewhere that he really does want help and wants a better life. I will continue to support him on his path to recovery but I am done enabling him when he screws up.

    Alanon is very helpful... glad you are going and keep that up!!!

  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My difficult child has lied for years. For a long time, if her lips were moving, she was lying. Even now, while she seems to be doing better, I take every thing that she says with a grain of salt.

    Addicts lie. And steal. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change it but hope that the natural consequences of his lies and actions are finally his wake-up call. All I can caution you is to let him take the fall . . . don't rescue him. We made that mistake for years.

    One more thing . . . once my difficult child was 18 I stopped checking up on her email and facebook accounts. It hurt me to see that stuff knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can understand your concern. Believe me I don't mean to be flippant but difficult child#1 leaves his FB open at all times and it's disconcerting what I learn. The posts from other people indicate that he is a ladies man, liar to others, and a major alcoholic. There are not indications of MH issues...he just doesn't seem to get moral values. Whether there are MH issues or's sickening to "know" our difficult child's are immoral or amoral. I'm sorry for your difficult child and all of our difficult child's. I'm also very sorry for all of us. Hugs DDD
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    DDD, I uinderstand. I wouldn't normally go in that thought direction however, difficult child's therapist told me months ago that there was signs pointing towards bipolar. difficult child wasn't 18 yet. They cannot diagnose before 18 normally. Therapist recommended shrink look at it next time he saw difficult child. Then, difficult child screwed that up (selling his adhd medications, I told them, they discharged him into a treatment program which difficult child refused to attend).

    Long story short....he has a ton of the signs of bipolat which I didn't really express well.

    My mother has been an alcoholic since I was a child. It took years for me to understand that her alcoholism is a symptom of at least two severe untreated personality disorders.

    Hope this makes more sense! Thanks!
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am sorry that you are finding out things that you were unaware of about your difficult child. But...I am not sure this is a healthy thing for you to do since he is an adult. When I was in therapy doing my Co-dependant recovery work (which is a lifelong thing though therapy isn't). I was told that co-dependants need to let go and stop going crazy trying to track them on the internet and other ways. They told me that by doing that I was allowing my difficult child's actions to direct my life and my happiness and giving him power over me. I was reluctant to stop. I was afraid that I would be blindsided by something big etc. But I did stop and it was very freeing. Was I blindsided? Sure, but even if I was looking for stuff that could have happened. By not obsessing I had many more good days than I did when I was tracking his activities. I think keyloggers are good when you are dealing with a minor that you have legal control over. I think investigating a hunch ocassionaly is ok but hacking his account and reading his messages on a regular basis is not a healthy way to exist. Take care of yourself and protect yourself but do not let his behavior direct your life.
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I need to tattoo this on my arm - or write it on the hem of my skirt (like a geometry exam cheat sheet!) because the fear of finding followed by the sinking pit in my stomach of actually seeing something untoward is quickly replaced by the anxiety of how to deal with it. <GULP>
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Its a balance that is for sure. When my son was on the streets last week I checked his phone logs a lot because seeing he was texting somebody gave me comfort because then I knew he was still alive. I am checking facebook but he has friended me so I am not really snooping although he may not think about me seeing it. If I see something on there that is disturbing it bothers me.... but I have learned for the most part to let it go. It is his life and his choices at this point. And sometimes I see things on there that give me hope which is why I like to check it.

    However when i start getting obsessive about it then I need to give myself a break from doing that.

    I know my difficult child has done all sorts of bad things I don't know about... and it is probably just as well I don't know.

    Now that I know he is safe I have less need to check his phone records... still like to get a sense of his frame of mind from facebook though.

    It is a matter of doing what feels good to you.... if watching what he is doing is upsetting you and making you obsess then it is time to stop for a while.

  12. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    In my state, you are still a minor at 18. I am solely legally responsible for difficult child until his 19th birthday. Which scares the daylights out of me given the choices he is making.

    I used the keylogger for one week. I currently have no access to his computer nor am I attempting to gain any.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    In this case though were you seeing his PM's , I actually think that was really smart if he is still under your legal responsibility.

    But heck, how does your state think that you can be fully legally responsible for a kid who is out of the home most of the time? (I guess that is the same question for any 17 yr old who is in college already)... yikes, poor thing. How many states do that? I had no idea.
  14. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Buddy, several states have minor ages over 18.

    I wish mine was 18. I have spoken with my attorney and insurance agent. The liabilities when you have a child with a known substance problem are endless. As if difficult child parents don't already have enough to deal with.

  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Can you have him legally emancipiated? I understand your concerns. My difficult child#1 was our liability till age 21. She was out of control and violent and it was scary for us. Our car and homeowner liability insurance would not even cover her and to this day (She is 36 married and has a child now) we cannot let her even borrow our car.
  16. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Rejectedmom...funny you should mention that as I'm looking into it.

    Thanks...sorry you had to learn about all this too.