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The violence surrounds me........
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 141131" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Steely, </p><p> </p><p>You know I felt the same way a few years back. My marriage was so violent I can't even talk about it still. The parts I was able to talk about and go through hypnosis for seem to have allowed me to not be so on edge about every day life. When you live day to day with a person you trust (spouse) and then they betray that trust by being violent (ie: physical, verbal, emotional) our bodies go into autopilot. We startle easy, we jump at noises that aren't necessarily loud. We are always feeling on guard. We anticipate that the worst will happen and by staying in this heightened state of awareness we feel we increase our chances at survival. If you want to read more about it - look up flight or fight reaction. I had it so bad I couldn't sit without my back to a wall, I didn't sleep for nearly 3 years (on and off for a couple of hours at best), I was so thin people were sure I did street drugs. Emotionally I was on edge with my son, not able to see things clearly and did not take good care of myself. </p><p>At some point in therapy this came up and after I did the hypnosis a couple of times (EMDR) I didn't startle nearly as bad. See my x had threatened all our marriage to kill me, my son, my family. When I left for good and took difficult child - every leaf that blew behind me on the road was in my mind HIM coming to kill me - every branch that blew in the wind and made an unfamiliar noise in the night - HIM. Once a plastic bag blew across the parking lot of a new grocery store and when I turned around with the mace in my hand and whistle in my mouth - it was after all that just a bag. I sat in my car and cried I'm sure for over an hour. </p><p>At that point I realized that IF I did not do something about my life and how I felt, how I jumped at every little thing, How I was sure that every person sitting with a newspaper or in a car was there to give word back to my x and have my life exhausted and take my son- I was NOT going to make it much longer. </p><p> </p><p>The problem as I saw it at that point was I had SO many problems stemming from the abuse that to dive right into I AM SO PARANOID I can't function - wan't going to happen. I had to deal with underlying problems first and work my way TO those - not doing that in therapy was like putting a bandaid on a severed hand. You have to start where you can and put those wheels in motion for healing yourself. If what you are dealing with is so stressful it's affecting your every day life - then where you are - isn't worth it. If your job makes you so upset - FIND ANOTHER one. If your home doesn't make you feel secure - MOVE. It's hard, and sometimes seems nearly impossible - but if you really need change in your life the only one that is going to make you feel secure and feel safe and feel any sense of normal in your life again - is....</p><p> </p><p>YOU. </p><p> </p><p>Do what you can about the things that you can and find a way to accept the things that you have no control over. When I got like this I found a way to get to therapy two times a week. I moved. I changed EVERYTHING about how I shopped, where I went, who I saw - and it DID give me more peace than I had. </p><p> </p><p>I think if you continue on the path of trying to figure it all out Steely - you are going to end up having a nervous breakdown. For me it's been over 11 years. I'm JUST NOW to the point where I have let my guard down. I was so scared when I went through EMDR (hypnosis) that I would loose "MY EDGE" to be ABLE to fight and fend for myself. That somehow therapy would make me kinder and that would make me a weaker person. A person who would be vulnerable. Instead it has allowed me to breath and really SEE the world, not just the part of it that stinks and I perceive wants to harm me and my son. </p><p> </p><p>I went from not being able to leave the house for fear of x trying to kill me to making a statement that now that he knows where I live if he should ever EVER bother me I will meet him in the driveway and rip his skin off with my bare hands. That did not happen over night. It took work, persistance and soul searching. It took doing a lot of things that I didn't want to (move, change my life, stop seeing people I knew) and literally I got a life. </p><p> </p><p>I hope something in this rambling helps you. Maybe if only - to know that you are not alone. That violence doesn't have to seethe out of you - that you can get rid of it - you just have to be able to make yourself MORE uncomfortable than you are living with the violence - to make a change for yourself. Eventually IT DOES GET BETTER> </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>& UNderstanding</p><p>Star<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 141131, member: 4964"] Steely, You know I felt the same way a few years back. My marriage was so violent I can't even talk about it still. The parts I was able to talk about and go through hypnosis for seem to have allowed me to not be so on edge about every day life. When you live day to day with a person you trust (spouse) and then they betray that trust by being violent (ie: physical, verbal, emotional) our bodies go into autopilot. We startle easy, we jump at noises that aren't necessarily loud. We are always feeling on guard. We anticipate that the worst will happen and by staying in this heightened state of awareness we feel we increase our chances at survival. If you want to read more about it - look up flight or fight reaction. I had it so bad I couldn't sit without my back to a wall, I didn't sleep for nearly 3 years (on and off for a couple of hours at best), I was so thin people were sure I did street drugs. Emotionally I was on edge with my son, not able to see things clearly and did not take good care of myself. At some point in therapy this came up and after I did the hypnosis a couple of times (EMDR) I didn't startle nearly as bad. See my x had threatened all our marriage to kill me, my son, my family. When I left for good and took difficult child - every leaf that blew behind me on the road was in my mind HIM coming to kill me - every branch that blew in the wind and made an unfamiliar noise in the night - HIM. Once a plastic bag blew across the parking lot of a new grocery store and when I turned around with the mace in my hand and whistle in my mouth - it was after all that just a bag. I sat in my car and cried I'm sure for over an hour. At that point I realized that IF I did not do something about my life and how I felt, how I jumped at every little thing, How I was sure that every person sitting with a newspaper or in a car was there to give word back to my x and have my life exhausted and take my son- I was NOT going to make it much longer. The problem as I saw it at that point was I had SO many problems stemming from the abuse that to dive right into I AM SO PARANOID I can't function - wan't going to happen. I had to deal with underlying problems first and work my way TO those - not doing that in therapy was like putting a bandaid on a severed hand. You have to start where you can and put those wheels in motion for healing yourself. If what you are dealing with is so stressful it's affecting your every day life - then where you are - isn't worth it. If your job makes you so upset - FIND ANOTHER one. If your home doesn't make you feel secure - MOVE. It's hard, and sometimes seems nearly impossible - but if you really need change in your life the only one that is going to make you feel secure and feel safe and feel any sense of normal in your life again - is.... YOU. Do what you can about the things that you can and find a way to accept the things that you have no control over. When I got like this I found a way to get to therapy two times a week. I moved. I changed EVERYTHING about how I shopped, where I went, who I saw - and it DID give me more peace than I had. I think if you continue on the path of trying to figure it all out Steely - you are going to end up having a nervous breakdown. For me it's been over 11 years. I'm JUST NOW to the point where I have let my guard down. I was so scared when I went through EMDR (hypnosis) that I would loose "MY EDGE" to be ABLE to fight and fend for myself. That somehow therapy would make me kinder and that would make me a weaker person. A person who would be vulnerable. Instead it has allowed me to breath and really SEE the world, not just the part of it that stinks and I perceive wants to harm me and my son. I went from not being able to leave the house for fear of x trying to kill me to making a statement that now that he knows where I live if he should ever EVER bother me I will meet him in the driveway and rip his skin off with my bare hands. That did not happen over night. It took work, persistance and soul searching. It took doing a lot of things that I didn't want to (move, change my life, stop seeing people I knew) and literally I got a life. I hope something in this rambling helps you. Maybe if only - to know that you are not alone. That violence doesn't have to seethe out of you - that you can get rid of it - you just have to be able to make yourself MORE uncomfortable than you are living with the violence - to make a change for yourself. Eventually IT DOES GET BETTER> Hugs & UNderstanding Star:happy2: [/QUOTE]
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