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The void
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 508657" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>If there had to be a void in our life? Between my son and myself? We put him on a train, and shipped him three states away to live with a 'wonderful' man he felt I had been keeping him from for 15 years on purpose. The 'on purpose' part was correct, but the wonderful part couldn't have been more apart than heaven and hell itself literally; not figuratively. What we feel as parents and adults that is so plain as the writing on the wall or in my case several police reports kept in a box marked the Ahole file - tucked away, hidden in an outbuilding for a day, someday when my son was what I felt mature enough to handle some of the truth - not all of it for fear he would believe me to be a complete idiot for ever tying to stay and make a marriage work - did not have the impact I hoped it would. See children or in my case my child just could not see the point I was trying to make. The man was a hideous monster, the man was a drug addict, the man had been tortuous, abusive, liar, thief - to both of us. Nope - to the child he was still Daddy - Daddy who was waiting, had his son ripped from his arms and was a miserable, shell of a man waiting for his son all.these.years. Yeah -right. </p><p></p><p>So despite counseling, therapy, stable home life, providing - everything I did? Trying over and over to do ALL.THE.RIGHT.THINGS. The kid STILL did what he had in his mind to do - all the years he was at home, and up to the day he left. It hurt, it was painful, I was worried sick - because you don't know my x and the deviant things he can do - and yet in some ways despite his leaving - it was a relief. The stress levels in the house didn't immediately level out. It was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. The dogs -and I have HUGE, guardian dogs - walked for years with him here due to the yelling - like frightened animals. They finally came out of their shell. The tensions between my fiance and I (DF) slowly came to a point where we were back to a relationship that was like it used to be, not always encompsing Dude. Thehouse itself seemed to breathe easier - I know that sounds odd to some, but with a difficult child in it - I swear the house seems like Karma isn't just sitting on a shelf - but follows you in your car, to work, even to the post office and you can't escape it - because this morning you yelled about stupid stuff to your son - like socks on the floor - and now in the post office you dropped all the mail from work; on the ground in the rain - and you cry. Nothing seems to get it's mess together -ever. And that slowly changes - lifts a cloud so to speak. </p><p></p><p>And then as YOUR life gets back to quasi-normal? You get messages from your kid - that HIS life is going in the dumper. In our sons case? Literally. This is how his bio-Father was feeding them. He knew a restaurant that threw out food and he would get my son to dumpster dive for food. At first fun - then tedious, then annyoing - flies in Florida are stiff competition for food. He never had to fight flies for food at home. Then he had to endure his bio-Father (Daddy Disney, or daughter) drug habits which after so many years of severe abuse - and I mean severe - he was bringing this into a hovel of a house - around our son. I wouldnt' even allow a six pack of beer in our fridge. DF had to keep it locked in the shop in his mini fridge and when his biker buddies came? Even the empties went in the trash in the shop. No exposure. The language, the bad influences, the late nights? NEVER not once - at daughter's house? Constant - police raids - and eventually - Dude left and slept in parks, under benches, under bridges - was starving. Tried to couch surf, but most of the kids he met had parents who were; while not as bad off - similar and their kids had problems and habits of their own - and Dude wanted NOTHING to do with drugs. He started drinking - and twice ended up in the ER - nearly died both times. He sought help at our insistance, but we never sent him money. He'd call, we'd talk. And you could see and hear that he was beginning to realize - Home, rules, Mom, and Step Dad (DF) wasn't really so bad. He said at one point - I really MISS you Mom, I miss just having a Hot dog, and a bath, and a laugh with you and dad in the den. Then he cried. He was on his own - so alone. HE had NO one. Even my ex's family was so messed up - the WONDERFUL family - that would YOU"LL SEE THEY LOVE ME - THEY'll SUPPORT ME - THEY'll BUY ME STUFF........not once - helped him. Not even with a place to stay. Not once did they even go to the ER - or help him with his alcohol problem. When it all fell apart? When there was absolutely no one? He called us - talked to us and worked it out for himself with NO help - </p><p>He got himself straight - he got himself on a path and we talked for hours. Then we offered to help. He does have issues. He does need continued support, and he does realize that there are things in this world that he can be around,a nd things that he can't be around - but HE had to realize that on his own. He had to make those choices of who he could be around and not - on his own. And he needed to see that in his darkest hour - WHO he could count on - and who would be there to HELP - when his life was on the line and WHO wouldn't answer their cell phone - for love nor money.....whom did he really matter to - for no other reason other than love. ?????? When he knew that? He turned himself around......and we chose to lend a hand. One last time. </p><p></p><p>I'm not saying don't love your daughter. I'm just saying for us? It was the hardest thing we ever had to do because YES I did worry I'd get a call in the middle of the night from a person I didn't know or a cop ....that would say "Are you Dudes Mother?" Does he looke like? And some nights I slept with the phone under my pillow on loud and vibrate and other nights - I had to turn it off....so I could finally turn my mind off.....and get some sleep to stop my racing thoughts. I still take welbutrin three times a day to f unction and probably will for a whle. No shame in that. I don't deny that at times I wish I still could talk to my old therapist - but wasnt not really so hip on starting a new counselor - been there done that - but the good news is it's free....and available. And I recommend it for anyone struggling - mostly because my DF is NOT my #O*&#ing buddy - he's my mate and should only hear stuff AFTER I've worked it out. Co workers will eventually fade from you if you constantly drudge up a bad home life - and family will run for the hills - or think you're (makes koo koo swirly sign) if you keep putting up with your kids ka ka......So it's better to talk to someone that can give you impartial feed back - then say I've made a few well-thought out decisions about what to do with CHILD X. </p><p></p><p>The void? The Gap - The TOugh love? I think if you stay the course? Get support?Eventually you can close it........but you have to let them see - THEY aren't going to get across the great divide unless they are the ones who realize they dug the trench in the first place. The best way to get them to fill it in - is to let them take the dirt from other places (like friends who dont care) and use it to fill in the space between you now and getting back. </p><p></p><p>Hope this helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 508657, member: 4964"] If there had to be a void in our life? Between my son and myself? We put him on a train, and shipped him three states away to live with a 'wonderful' man he felt I had been keeping him from for 15 years on purpose. The 'on purpose' part was correct, but the wonderful part couldn't have been more apart than heaven and hell itself literally; not figuratively. What we feel as parents and adults that is so plain as the writing on the wall or in my case several police reports kept in a box marked the Ahole file - tucked away, hidden in an outbuilding for a day, someday when my son was what I felt mature enough to handle some of the truth - not all of it for fear he would believe me to be a complete idiot for ever tying to stay and make a marriage work - did not have the impact I hoped it would. See children or in my case my child just could not see the point I was trying to make. The man was a hideous monster, the man was a drug addict, the man had been tortuous, abusive, liar, thief - to both of us. Nope - to the child he was still Daddy - Daddy who was waiting, had his son ripped from his arms and was a miserable, shell of a man waiting for his son all.these.years. Yeah -right. So despite counseling, therapy, stable home life, providing - everything I did? Trying over and over to do ALL.THE.RIGHT.THINGS. The kid STILL did what he had in his mind to do - all the years he was at home, and up to the day he left. It hurt, it was painful, I was worried sick - because you don't know my x and the deviant things he can do - and yet in some ways despite his leaving - it was a relief. The stress levels in the house didn't immediately level out. It was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. The dogs -and I have HUGE, guardian dogs - walked for years with him here due to the yelling - like frightened animals. They finally came out of their shell. The tensions between my fiance and I (DF) slowly came to a point where we were back to a relationship that was like it used to be, not always encompsing Dude. Thehouse itself seemed to breathe easier - I know that sounds odd to some, but with a difficult child in it - I swear the house seems like Karma isn't just sitting on a shelf - but follows you in your car, to work, even to the post office and you can't escape it - because this morning you yelled about stupid stuff to your son - like socks on the floor - and now in the post office you dropped all the mail from work; on the ground in the rain - and you cry. Nothing seems to get it's mess together -ever. And that slowly changes - lifts a cloud so to speak. And then as YOUR life gets back to quasi-normal? You get messages from your kid - that HIS life is going in the dumper. In our sons case? Literally. This is how his bio-Father was feeding them. He knew a restaurant that threw out food and he would get my son to dumpster dive for food. At first fun - then tedious, then annyoing - flies in Florida are stiff competition for food. He never had to fight flies for food at home. Then he had to endure his bio-Father (Daddy Disney, or daughter) drug habits which after so many years of severe abuse - and I mean severe - he was bringing this into a hovel of a house - around our son. I wouldnt' even allow a six pack of beer in our fridge. DF had to keep it locked in the shop in his mini fridge and when his biker buddies came? Even the empties went in the trash in the shop. No exposure. The language, the bad influences, the late nights? NEVER not once - at daughter's house? Constant - police raids - and eventually - Dude left and slept in parks, under benches, under bridges - was starving. Tried to couch surf, but most of the kids he met had parents who were; while not as bad off - similar and their kids had problems and habits of their own - and Dude wanted NOTHING to do with drugs. He started drinking - and twice ended up in the ER - nearly died both times. He sought help at our insistance, but we never sent him money. He'd call, we'd talk. And you could see and hear that he was beginning to realize - Home, rules, Mom, and Step Dad (DF) wasn't really so bad. He said at one point - I really MISS you Mom, I miss just having a Hot dog, and a bath, and a laugh with you and dad in the den. Then he cried. He was on his own - so alone. HE had NO one. Even my ex's family was so messed up - the WONDERFUL family - that would YOU"LL SEE THEY LOVE ME - THEY'll SUPPORT ME - THEY'll BUY ME STUFF........not once - helped him. Not even with a place to stay. Not once did they even go to the ER - or help him with his alcohol problem. When it all fell apart? When there was absolutely no one? He called us - talked to us and worked it out for himself with NO help - He got himself straight - he got himself on a path and we talked for hours. Then we offered to help. He does have issues. He does need continued support, and he does realize that there are things in this world that he can be around,a nd things that he can't be around - but HE had to realize that on his own. He had to make those choices of who he could be around and not - on his own. And he needed to see that in his darkest hour - WHO he could count on - and who would be there to HELP - when his life was on the line and WHO wouldn't answer their cell phone - for love nor money.....whom did he really matter to - for no other reason other than love. ?????? When he knew that? He turned himself around......and we chose to lend a hand. One last time. I'm not saying don't love your daughter. I'm just saying for us? It was the hardest thing we ever had to do because YES I did worry I'd get a call in the middle of the night from a person I didn't know or a cop ....that would say "Are you Dudes Mother?" Does he looke like? And some nights I slept with the phone under my pillow on loud and vibrate and other nights - I had to turn it off....so I could finally turn my mind off.....and get some sleep to stop my racing thoughts. I still take welbutrin three times a day to f unction and probably will for a whle. No shame in that. I don't deny that at times I wish I still could talk to my old therapist - but wasnt not really so hip on starting a new counselor - been there done that - but the good news is it's free....and available. And I recommend it for anyone struggling - mostly because my DF is NOT my #O*&#ing buddy - he's my mate and should only hear stuff AFTER I've worked it out. Co workers will eventually fade from you if you constantly drudge up a bad home life - and family will run for the hills - or think you're (makes koo koo swirly sign) if you keep putting up with your kids ka ka......So it's better to talk to someone that can give you impartial feed back - then say I've made a few well-thought out decisions about what to do with CHILD X. The void? The Gap - The TOugh love? I think if you stay the course? Get support?Eventually you can close it........but you have to let them see - THEY aren't going to get across the great divide unless they are the ones who realize they dug the trench in the first place. The best way to get them to fill it in - is to let them take the dirt from other places (like friends who dont care) and use it to fill in the space between you now and getting back. Hope this helps. [/QUOTE]
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