The words cut right through me

[tiredmommy]

Tonight is husband's 25th HS reunion, it's at a local bar. I'm generally nervous about having to interact with a large group of people when I don't know most of them. I'm also keenly aware of my appearance. I was a full 35 lbs lighter at the last reunion. My skin was clear, my hair was long and healthy. I was... pretty. I'm now overweight (getting close to obese by the BMI charts). My skin is dry. I have an extremely short cut because my hair is bad.

I've been stressed about how to dress and settled on a newer pair of capris in a greenish taupe with a cute blue peasant top with the same color as the pants in the top's pattern. I've obsessed about this all week, trying on different combinations from my wardrobe. I won't look thin or beautiful, but I'll be stylish and comfortable. And truthfully, that's about all I could expect right now.

So I'm dressed for tonight and herding together Duckie and her stuff for a sleepover when husband comes in from a round of golf. He shoots past me and says over his shoulder: "So, Honey... what are wearing tonight?"

I wish I could crawl into a hole.

 

[whatamess]

Ouch. Pretend to change and present yourself again and he'll probably compliment you. Husbands can be clueless sometimes. I'm sure you look great!

 

[Wiped Out]

TM,
I know it hurt, it sounds like he went by so fast he didn't even bother to really look. I'm sure you look great and I hope you went and had a really good time! Anyone as beautiful as you on the inside has to be beautiful on the outside as well, it shines through. We're always the most critical with ourselves. Like whatamess said, husbands can be so clueless at times. Gentle hugs.

 

[KTMom91]

Husbands. I'm so sorry. Hope you had a good time even if he is clueless.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks ladies. I survived and lucked out in that a few friends of mine were there. And husband was very good about introducing me and including me in conversations.

 

[Fran]

TM, it's difficult when we feel unattractive. Everything seems to tear at us.
I have been watching "What Not To Wear" since I have very little fashion sense in relationship to myself. All I see is what is wrong. It has helped to really open up my mind and change the internal dialogue.

I'm trying hard to not fight my curves anymore. I'm taking the time to find nice clothes that are appropriate for me instead of just buying what's on sale.
I invested in a better level of haircut.

No one at the 25 yr reunion is looking like they did at 18. As far as I can tell very few people remember spouses and how they looked at the last reunion. They are too busy hiding their own bald spots, paunches, vericose veins.

Of course, we want our mates to be the one who still sees us as beautiful and sharply dressed. Sometimes they goof up or are oblivious. I'm glad he made you feel included. Sounds like a good guy.

I have to nudge husband to remember to introduce me. Duh! He is clueless at times. We go to many functions where I know no one. It's part of the job. In the end, most people are very nice.

I'm sure you looked adorable and smart. Glad you had fun.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

TM,

I, for another one, am sure you looked smart and cute! I'm glad you ended up having a nice time and husband "behaved" himself!

Sharon

 

[Andy]

I also think he did not even notice what you were wearing as he came in the door. He probably thought it was too early to get dressed. I am sure if he really took the time to notice what you were wearing he would have said, "Nice outfit! I see you are ready to go!"

At my last class reunion, we had 5 out of about 100 show up. Of the classmates the other 4 keep in touch with, the message was sent to us that they had changed their appearance so much (aka everyone had gained some weight) and did not want to come because of their current look. The 5 of us were a little hurt (we also had all gained some, some lost some hair, ect.) and felt everyone should be mature enough to look through the aging process (and what hardships of life do to you) and just enjoy the catching up on news and visiting. This was our 25th year. I hope they all come at the next one. Maybe they will have accepted life's process by then in their own body.

 

[ML]

I too watch what not to wear and like much of what they say. Of course I leave the rest. They say no mini skirts after 35 but great legs are all I have left so I tend to wear a lot of short (perhaps not mini) skirts.

I think you are very beautiful TM. I realize I don't know what you look like but that is secondary to your big heart and wise spirit that has touched my life in ways you don't even know. The outside appearance fades but time can not erase the essence of beauty that lies within you.

Love,

ML

 

[Nomad]

I too watch What Not To Wear. Ya know, recently I haven't been able to watch much TV and haven't watched it. Just last night, I watched it for a few minutes after many months. It is really a very good/informative/helpful show! TM, I know it's very hard, but try not to overly concern yourself with what your husband thinks. Instead, focus on how you feel. If you don't like certain things, tackle them for your own sake. What actions do you need to take to get some improvement. Don't go for the gusto right now, just get a little improvement. Get some nice cream for your skin, for example. See if you can lose 5 pounds by the end of summer. How? What action? Can you exercise? Can you cut back on sweets? It sounds like you looked really nice for the reunion and how wonderful that your husband introduced you. It sounds like he came though in the end. Wishing you well...please re-read what ML said...how very beautiful! (Hugs).

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

TM,

As far as your husband not noticing how nice you looked, like some of the others have said, I think this is sort of a male thing. I know my husband is like this too. As much as it hurts, and as hard as it is, try not to take this too seriously.

However, it makes me sad that you're always doing things for others and don't take the time to do special things for yourself. I know I haven't been around much lately, but in most of the posts I've read, you're always doing special things for Duckie, helping out at her school, at church, etc... I know it makes you happy to help others but, in my humble opinion, you need to spend more time doing special things just for yourself. I think if you spend more time just taking care of you, you'll feel better about your appearance.

Like the others, I know from reading your posts, what a thoughtful, insightful and caring person you are. I hope you find a way to feel as beautiful outside as you are inside. You deserve to be happy!!!

Sending lots of hugs your way... SFR

 

[Star*]

TM,

Sometimes when we feel at our worst is when we start to begin to realize we are not at our best. So you have to ask yourself "How important AM I?" Do you think maybe you're worth a physical? Are you worth going to a doctor to have some blood work done to find out why you may have put on some weight? Can you admit to yourself that you take care of EVERYONE else around you so they shine, shine, shine and neglect yourself like a frumpy old teddy bear? (are you nodding?)

YOU ARE WORTH A TREASURE FAR GREATER THAN GOLD? Isn't that what the book says? (or umm.....something like that?)

I know EXACTLY how you felt. I also know that even though I felt that way and gave up ALL foods and did WW's - I gained weight. I didn't feel and wasn't healthy enough to do much exercise but tried and only frustrated myself further. When I went to the doctor what I found out? That NO MATTER HOW MUCH I dieteted - without a certain medicine to process sugars/insulin there was NO WAY my body could - and therefore dieting was futile. Huh- so who was going to tell me that? Nice.

I guess what I'm saying is that before you start to diet or do any exercise here - go get a physical and get some blood work done - make a list of ALL the stuff that makes you feel too tired, run down, stressed out - hair on your face (if it is) or whatever ails you and no matter how insignificant - take that list to your doctor. Get some tests run - and then go from there - it may be that like me - your sugar is high - and you need a special diet - etc. I mean - what if? Now I'm on three medications to help me supress appetite and while I've only seen 1 lb. loss - and have totally eliminated sugars and most starches - I do feel better and exercise more each day - started at 5 minutes, then 10 and I think Grace Upon Grace was right - she said my body would crave it - and as weird as it sounds now I kinda look forward to 10 minutes a day. (once the indian rub burns left my thighs from the stationary bike that is)

I thank you for the back fat joke the other day - it really did get me in trouble at work but it was worth the lol but on the way home I thought OMG if she's serious? She's hurting and that did NOT make me feel so good for you later.

I have not come back to the HL forum because I really felt defeated when I started years ago - I was so into it - and really stuck with it with little to no results and I was only more depressed. NOW I have a few more answers about WHY I COULD NOT LOOSE WEIGHT. Yet no one ever took time to figure it out. I feel like I had to NAIL a Dr. down and say in a lions voice "LOOK - EITHER YOU WANT TO HELP ME OR NOT." and finally someone said - OKAY lets look at this....

SO maybe that's what you need to do????

If you are only 25 lbs over - start with a physical, some blood work to see if you maybe need something - and go from there and start by eliminating junk food - (oh it's not that hard) and eating better - and get serious about the 30th reunion -and walk in looking better then all them women.

YOU SHOW EM GIRL..........BE THE SEXY KITTEN IN 2014

ps. put a towel down before you start riding a stationary bike so you don't give yourself blisters on your thighs.

 

[AnnieO]

I agree that I don't think husband was paying attention. I'm lucky, because my husband has been conditioned by his mother to NOTICE. And ignore if it's not what he wants to see!

Now here is my personal opinion. I could really care (could, but I don't) what someone's outsides look like. You could be a puke-green blob of plasma, and as long as you are beautiful inside (which you are in my opinion), I wouldn't notice.

But I can see how that would hurt. And how you would worry about it. But... I am going to see a friend tomorrow that I haven't seen in a while. Last time was at his wedding reception! Used to be a coworker, long ago, and we had crushes on one another till we both figured out we were better off as friends.

But now I have crows' feet around my eyes. I actually weigh less than I did then, and have better clothes, and have let my daughter talk me into more flattering makeup, but I keep thinking about how I used to look. And honestly? I don't want him to even notice beyond, hey, my friend's here! - But it's there. (Not to mention, he & husband are now friends... I adore his wife... And kids... My kids adore them... WHY SHOULD I CARE?)

So - don't worry. Are you happy being you? Are you comfortable in your own skin (normally)? Are you a good person? (I can answer this one for you - YES - you ARE!) So don't sweat it. They were probably worried about their extra pounds, hair, wrinkles, and then there was that one person thinking about her chipped nail polish...

 

[SRL]

I agree that I don't think husband was paying attention. ...

Another vote for him not paying attention. Seriously, TM, once I was in the kitchen having a pretty hard cry and all three males walked through the room AND DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE. My very small daughter walked in and noticed it right off.

 

[Nomad]

SRL..
OMG! That happened to me one time too! UNBELIEVABLE. I was dumbfounded. Angry. Perplexed. Gobsmacked. I thought husband might have Aspergers or something. heee heee. Bad joke. Some men are so slooooooooow to pick up on things. However, I must give my husband credit, after that "incident" we had a long talk and he is much better about these things now.
TM...
I get some kind of email from the Oprah magazine or something and just today I got something about "how men think." It is kinda interesting. It says they are hard wired for thinking in "systems" and that they are goal oriented. So, if they are thinking about going to an event, they are simply thinking about getting to the event and it is hard for them to think about anything else. It is hard for them to think about a variety of things at once and particularly hard for them to think about things like "feelings." That is something that comes more natural apparently to women. If you combine thinking about the goal they have in mind + feelings, they are more than likely going to short circuit. It has nothing to do with how they personally feel...it is not a personal thing at all. They just don't have the power.

 

[SRL]

SRL..
OMG! That happened to me one time too! UNBELIEVABLE. I was dumbfounded. Angry. Perplexed. Gobsmacked. I thought husband might have Aspergers or something. heee heee. Bad joke. Some men are so slooooooooow to pick up on things. .

If had just been the husband it would have been one thing but to have all three males miss it...it was seriously enlightening.

 

[Nomad]

SRL...Yep. like I read....it seems many men just don't have the cognitive power to think about these things. I suppose it could also be learned from other males...passed down generation to generation. However, there seems to be a possibility of some sort of gender influence. These are strong forces. Sooooo...it is not a huge surprise that more than one male in your family short circuited in this fashion (hugs). This is why more and more I realize how valuable good women friends are and how somtimes it gets me a little peeved when women are unkind to one another.

 

[Andy]

Reminds me of my 15th Wedding Anniversary - husband and I never go out without the kids in tow and certainly not to the occasion of me dressing up - so, on our 15th, we decided to celebrate and I did dress up (hair, make up, the whole works).

As I was walking difficult child to a neighbor's to be watched, he (about 6 years old) says to me, "Mommy, why are you dressed up? No one looks at you except Daddy."

While we were eating, I asked husband how he liked my haircut (I so seldom have a haircut that when I do, EVERYONE notices). "Oh, did you get your hair cut?"

So, no one looks at me, not even husband!