The worst type of abuse against parents that nobody really understands

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member a new epidemic called child estrangement, when an adult child, who has not been overtly abused, simply cuts his parents and siblings and other family members out of his life completely. Yes, you are gone **poof** as if you never existed. That fast. Often with no warning and usually with no explanation.

    You are FB blocked, e-mail and phone number blocked, your mailed letters are ignored or sent back unopened, and sometimes the police is called if one tries to visit this estranged child to see what they did to deserve the total horror of silence. Some parents have had the horror of their adult child calling the cops on them and I know of one who went to jail and many got restraining orders put on them.

    Grand children relationships don't happen. Often parents don't even know that there ARE grandchildren. I am still here largely because of the constant reminder of the pain, even when the love for a child I once knew has diminished and the child is gone for so long that the child is no longer known to the parent. This is not the happy young boy or conscientious young adult I knew.

    Who is this child that I loved who could do something this awful? Is death worse? At least in death, it is usually after loving moments. Do I wish he were dead instead? Of course I don't!!!! But it would be easier, although I definitely am glad I know he is alive and well, mostly because my ex, who is the only one not totally estranged, has contact with him. If not for ex,I would not know if he were even alive. I am blocked everyplace he goes.

    Is there a sign that this estrangement will happen? Usually notj udging by all the stories I have read on parent estrangement sites. Sometimes there is a tense relationship beforehand, but NO clue that the parent is about to be cut off like a third arm, no longer needed.

    I didn't have that contentious relationship with Goneboy. It was always smooth until it no longer existed. It happened when he met his now wife. Is she the reason why? Well, she was horrible and we all felt a hostile vibe from her. However, we all know how to behave and everyone welcomed her warmly and included her and fawned all over her, like we always do with a new family member.

    Some things she did were odd, but all of us are a little odd. Who isn't? She used to sit on his lap and kiss him all the time. If they were young, well, lets just say even Jumper doesn't fawn over her boyfriends like that, but she was older than him, in her thirties and professional. Princess told me, "She wants him to herself. Nobody else is allowed." I told her she was b eing silly. She said, "Mom, she is evil." I scoffed yet Princess is my very insightful kid. Her observation scared me and I sort of felt it, but I did not allow myself to really go there, not even in my mind. Even Princess continued to be warm and loving to her because that is who all of us are.

    More about this new honey.She was of Gone boy's culture and not completely Americanized. She had her own ideas about what and who should be a family. I don't think she believed in adoption. Her culture doesn't. This is just guesswork. And Gone boy, who never had tons of girls, was so besotted and I can only guess that she lead him this way, but he let her do it. I don't know why. I will never know w hy or if she did it or he did it or it was both of their ideas. He was different as soon as he met her. But why? I'll never know. Our children meeting new girlfriends OR right after divorces are prime time for these estrangements, although they can and do happen at any time. These are the most common times, it seems.

    No family is exempt.

    Most estranged parents have no idea what they did wrong. Most never find out. And estrangements rarely end. They can, but it is often more stressful to have these adult estrangers in your life than otherwise nor do they usually ever explain their actions and often they have lists of rules you have to follow in order to be in their lives. They demean the parent. That is the point.A lot of people who tried to reconnect were so abused while in touch the second time that THEY cut it off. You do learn that you should not take abuse, especially from your child. It hurts like none other and we do have to go on and live. We have other people who need us and we need to love ourselves too. We can't let anybody destroy us by being abusive, even a once beloved child. In my case, he hurt not just me, but my husband and other kids, who are very much cold against him now and never want to see him again. I am protective of the kind people in my life.

    It's almost eleven years for me and I am good. I grieved. I tried to connect. I met them at a church reconciliation place and he was horrible. I have never seen my grandkids. My ex has tried talking to him about it because ex is the only person he will interact with at all, although, trust me, it is on his terms. He won't address it with ex. He has alienated all my kids too. I say all my kids because Gone boy in no way acts like a son. He doesn't want the role. I gave him his freedom in a short letter and he never wrote back. I took him out of our will. I don't have this son anymore on any level. I can't love a person I no longer know. I loved him when I knew him...eleven years ago.

    I tell everyone I know t hat I have four kids and two grandchildren. That is essentially the truth. Technically it isn't, but I'm more into the role you play than the title you have. I'm not attached to him anymore...indeed, I fear him. I would not know what to do if he ever wanted to come back. We are all so done with his abusive behavior, not just me but the other kids and my husband. I hope I never have to make a decision. I doubt I will have to. Some estranged kids come back just long enough to shoot abuse at their estranged parents and taunt them with baby pictures of grands they will never see. He doesn't do this. I am grateful for crumbs.

    Nobody needs to comment. I just lately have felt a bit misunderstood and even battered here because of an issue most here don't understand. Everyone here is too kind to deliberately batter. Please nobody take this wrong. It is aimed at no one poster, but is info for all in case I feel a need to bring it up. I usually leave this now since it rarely bothers me anymore. But when it does, I need your support, not posts about how you would do it differently. don't know. I hope you all never have to know.

    I posted this mostly because I don't like being misunderstood, just as most people don't.Learn about ten year estrangements please before you say you'd never do this. You do not know how you'd feel after all this and after all the time. You can think you know, but you can't know. I had no idea I could feel as if a child I raised was no longer my child and that I could go weeks without barely thinking about him. The only reason he has been on my mind now is that husband and I revised our will from about fifteen years ago and he is not in it. And I wrote him a short letter, which I'd rather not disclose and which did not require an answer. It was actually about my needs, not his or anything I want from him because that time has come and gone. When I almost died in a car accident, I did not hear from him and he knew about it. That pretty much did it for me.

    To further understand the awfulness and heartache of estrangement, vs. just a difficult child you sometimes can't stand, I have posted a link if anyone is interested. If not, please don't judge me if you have not gone through this. Thanks!!!!

    There are other sites. I also like the only on DailyStrength Estranged Parents of Adult Children, but you'd have to go there yourself. I can't get the link. It won't let me post it without logging in and I forgot my logins. Anyone can find it if they are interested. Just use the search engine.

    Unless you have walked in my shoes, don't judge them. Don't judge how the shoes are battered and the soles are coming off. Don't. Please. This is not a site where we judge. And you all know me I groveled, cried, pleaded made a fool of myself before accepting estrangement. Now I'm into just never letting anyone abuse me and never losing my self-respect to another person. He will never get that from me again. Nobody ever will.

    With hope for understanding :)
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2016
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    SWOT you have been very kind to me and given me great advice and I'm very sorry for your pain. I do not know anything about this first hand but to me it is a form of a rejection and I do not take rejection well.

    The only way I can relate to this is that I have not talked to my older sister whom I love dearly for over 2 years because of a painful incident where my Difficult Child took some of her Vicoden that she left out. She knew he had a problem but failed to tell us that she even had these pills so we could take precautions. My brother was there. My husband was very angry at our son and her. Things were said but nothing horrible. We had a relationship after this but it was all one sided. She was wonderful when I called or I made the effort. Never any effort on her part. So I just stopped. I don't have the energy to chase someone down for their love. Our relationship has been via text a few times per year since then.

    You did all you could do. You did a good job as a loving mom.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. That is similar. If I called him he may talk to me but not in a pleasant way. I don't have the energy or the heart to chase a lost cause. Did that/waste of time.

    I've had my share of heart breaks I don't look for it anymore. It is better for me. It would be harder to keep thinking about it and doing a disservice to those who care for me and need me. He doesnt.

    Thanks again it mears a lot to me. I hope your son continues on his good path. Cheering for you both!!
  4. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    You know, I have not talked with my eldest since 2011 when I was in the hospital. I saw her once right after I got out - was waiting in the car for SO to get me a drink from 7 11 - she walked by and "waived" like I was some neighbor she hadn't seen in a while. No "How are you doing Mom" - nothing. SO called her to tell her I was in the hospital again and she stated she didn't have the time (even though she worked like 10 minutes away) I am ok not seeing her though I do miss Nate my first grandson But I definately don't miss all of the drama that swirls around her. I figure that I did the best to raise her well, brought her into my office and trained her to do Insurance so she would be able to provide for herself and the kids if needed. My job raising her is done. Still love her and wish her well but it doesn't really bother me I don't talk to her or the Gkids, two of which I really don't know. Just way too much water over the bridge at this point. I prefer to dwell on the positives in my life.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much for sharing, Marci. That's exactly how I feel. In my case, though I am tired of being treated like yesterday's trash. I don't miss him I don't even know how I feel about him. I don't know him now. I'm just done.

    Funny, his oldest son is also a Nate, but I don't miss him. Never met him.

    Like you, I am focusing on the positives in my life and I have many.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow. My initial post was too long. Guess I had a lot inside. Sorry for its length and intensity.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member


    And you say I apologize for nothing. :) People can quit reading if they don't care, you know. Of all places - this is the one to vent when needed, right?
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Lil. You are so very kind.
  9. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    SWOT, your story about Gone Boy has always made me very sad for you, and angry for you as well. Your love and pain come through after all these years. I was one of the ones who "voted" for leaving him out of your will the end...he isn't family after all. How painful. How horrible.

    My dad's family used to stop speaking to each other when they were angry, sometimes for years at a time. WE lived far from them and when we visited every few years it was like...we can see Betty and Sharon but not Sue, (names made up) because no one is talking to Sue. OR..we can see Sue but not tell.

    I thought this was madness, a sign of inferior beings.

    Later my dad employed that tactic with us...he would stop speaking to one of us, his kids, often over something we didn't know about. It could go on for year, and then end. He was, randomly, not speaking to one of my sisters when he died suddenly. She has never really recovered.

    When I met my SO he wasn't speaking to his step mom or step sister, who had been his family since age 10. I was like...what the heck? I didn't know that happened anywhere but in my dad's deranged family.

    And now..I get to the point of this story...which is that SO's young adult daughter, whom I have often wondered if she is a Difficult Child in disguise, started telling him lies...significant ones, hurtful ones, right around when she had her baby. They piled up and pile up until the most significant lie...that she was engaging in a relationship with a woman who had tried everything to ruin his life in a case of "women scorned" a few years back. She had threatened his work, his friends, and had claimed that he broke into her house and raped her. He eventually got a restraining order against her. And now his daughter was sending her loving facebook messages. Secretly...kind of. But actually...on facebook.

    We both realized that she wanted nothing to do with us and this was how she was doing it. It was so hurtful and astounding. He tried to talking to her...his only daughter, his only grandchild. And now....nothing. The angry vicious attacker has taken the daughter and granddaughter. My SO is lost...(and I am dreading father's day). Why? We don't know. It may be that we held her to high standards...go to school. Save money for your baby. Do better. Be better. It may have been too much pressure for her. We can't know. But she has cut us off, and he hasn't seen her or his granddaughter in 6 months.

    I guess..I am just on this thread A because I have so much love and respect for you, SWOT, that I always read your posts even when I don't comment, and B because sharing this kind of horror helps a little. I can't help SO, other than to seek help myself so that I can be there for him.

    Parent abuse. Yes indeed. We all made parenting mistakes, but really, we all gave so much, gave up so much...loved so much, tried so much. To have the recipient of all that give us a ":censored2: off" is horrible.

    I am sorry, SWOT, for your pain and your memories. Sorry about the destructive wife. Sorry your loving giving heart was stomped on. WE are not given to know why.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Echo, I respect you so much. It is an honor and validating to have your support.

    The fact is you can deal several ways when you are no longer allowed to talk to, email or see an adult child and you know, in your heart, nothing you did deserved this type of severe cruelty.

    1. You can keep trying, although it doesn't work, put your life on hold and think about suicide, forgetting that others DO love and want you.
    2. You can try visiting them, risking restraining order or worse.
    3. You can grieve and accept their heinous choice...and therspy and time will.take of it. You can live.

    I chose option3 @and I have a good life now. I refuse to let him destroy me.

    Thanks for the feedback.
  11. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    SWOT- No need to apologize. Your original post about the will was informative, for me at least. I learned a lot. We did our wills this year- I didn't include Difficult Child (my son ) in the will. I was going to leave instructions with daughter to give him a set amount of money. But in the will discussion and further research found out I actually need to amend my will to include him else he could contest the will. I supported your decision in not including your son in the will.

    I have experienced estrangement as well. My sister and I who were always so close- didn't speak for 7 years. I ached for her many years. But then she was like dead to me. I refused to deal with the hurt and pain and the why anymore.

    We finally did speak when Grandma died. She called. We wrote letters back and forth for months, talked on phone some, then I flew down to see her for a long week-end. We healed our relationship.

    I am sorry for the pain and abuse you have endured.

    I Leave you with this quote:

    "One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul" by Briggite Nicole
  12. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    My husband goes through this with his child but we do know why (even though his child doesn't). She was alienated completely from him by his ex, and now his child has learned that behavior and he has little to no relationship with her or his grandchildren. It is sad. So very sad that this bitter woman poisoned his relationship with his child for her own selfish and cruel ego. It is so bad that his daughter believes her mother can do NO wrong (and she has done A LOT of wrong, including criminally) and sticks by her no matter what, making excuses and justifying. My husband is a great dad and has tried, still tries, without success to be part of her life as more than just when convenient for her. I hate it. I wish she would either include him completely or just go away forever so he can mourn and move on. I am sure that makes me awful but I cannot stand the torture she puts him through and it makes me resent her. I find her as disgusting now as I find her mother bc as an adult, she should know better - especially since she has children of her own now! You would think that would open her eyes, give her empathy, make her understand what he goes through as a parent. No, not at all.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sad for your husband, Walrus. This type of alienation is a prime reason for estrangement, but as adults, yes, they are accountable. And I do think estrangement is harder when the child comes back for a short tease only to leave again. That is a special kind of hell all its own. They are kinder, although no estranged child means to be kind, if they just leave.

    Sometimes they do come around for money only to leave and disappear again once it is granted. Almost always, the grandchildren are held hostage. It's a special sorry of cruelty that is meant to be just that.

    Christians believe in hell. I believe in karma. I'm sure my son and his devil wife believe they are such good, loving parents that it will never happen to them.

    It is an epidemic. It can happen to them or anyone. I didn't think it could happen to me either. Nobody does.

    Some theories on this are the narcissism of the past few generations and the acceptance of dumping parents like they are dog poop. In our case, older adoption is also a factor. Divorce can be a factor. Rules they don't like can be a factor. A new honey whom they are enamoured by can be a factor. How close you two once were can be a factor. Any estranged child sets an example for his own kids. They are more likely to have estranged children.

    Sorry, I'm ranting again.

    Accept my deepest empathy for your husband's situation. Frankly, it stinks. I hope he can move on to acceptance one day and stop suffering.
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2016
  14. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    You are a warrior with true wisdom and insight. I follow along with your input daily on many issues. I'm thankful you are here and thankful for your caring and sharing heart. You help make this place the safe comfort landing pad that it is.
    By the way, here is the link for the website you mentioned earlier: Daily Strength Parents of Estranged Adult Children Everywhere (PEACE) ...

    Take care. You appear are very strong and down to earth. I pray you also feel that strength.
    Bless. ~ Ka la hou
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    I have been to both sites. Both gave me aid and comfort when I was not yet accepting. They are wonderful sites that anyone here who is estranged or sort of estranged from an abusive child can find fellowship and comfort on...and understanding.

    I was shy about bringing up this topic here, but I should have known it was ok to do so. Thanks again.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    SWOT, we are all such a product of our experiences. Your wisdom, and the fine and direct edge you put on many of your comments (which I appreciate) come from all you have endured and experienced. I respect that.

    I can't imagine being estranged from a family member long-term, and I remember over the years hearing about that happening in different scenarios. I was young and naive and I hadn't experienced much of life, and I was outspoken in my horror at such a thing. Then I and my mother (my most favorite and beloved person!) had a very very serious disagreement that felt seminal and went to the core of me, and although we lived in the same town, she and I didn't talk for about six months. Looking back, I needed that definite separation and so did she, and now we have a very wonderful and close relationship. Then my father, who has a very serious anger problem, and I were estranged after he pitched a fit here at my house on a visit here for two nights. He hasn't really changed, and I have forgiven him and I love my dad, even with all of his faults but I also am very cautious and have established some real boundaries for myself with him.

    After I divorced, I was abandoned by several close friends. One couple in particular, I went to , and I asked them to include me in their lives still, and I was so vulnerable with them. It never happened, and so I was devastated twice in that situation. Today, I see them around town, and we speak politely, and it still stings, but not much.

    I just posted the Tyler Perry Madea depiction of the roles of people in our lives.

    When I even consider the possibility of being estranged from either of my sons, it hurts just to even think about it. I cannot imagine the pain you went through, SWOT. I am so sorry for that. He is missing so much in his life, not knowing you and being with you and the rest of the family.

    I don't know why people do what they do. I think you did the best right thing by letting him go. I so understand that. What else could you do, really? We cannot force people to do things. I think that is the most fundamental thing I have learned through this awful journey. We cannot persuade, convince, manipulate, threaten, reason with, coerce enough to make someone do "the right thing." It just plain does not work. It isn't real. It isn't authentic. People have choices. They and we make them, and then we all have to live with the fallout, and so much of it is devastating pain.

    There must be some purpose in all of this, and I think long-term we become much more mature people with the ability to stay inside healthy boundaries. Which is a good thing for all of our relationships. Today, my husband and I talk about scenarios where there are "people problems" and 99% of the time we conclude that the boundaries are nonexistent or poor. That seems to be the crux of so many problems between people.

    I respect your story, and I respect you SWOT. Warm hugs and gratitude for the many people who believe in you and value you for the warrior you are.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks COM.

    I posted this precisely because others don't understand.

    Oh am blessed to have four other loving kids and a great hub. I moved on for myself and for them. He abused them too.

    It is not fun to have this happen. But life only ends if one refuses to move on. At this time, we are all good. I also believe everything happens for a reason. This showed me to be grateful for all we have.

    Thanks again, COM.
  18. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Oh, SWOT, I do too. In all the years we've been married, we have had his ex play so many games and try so hard to hurt us. She tried to get me fired from my job, has done things to our friends simply for being friends with us, kept his daughter from us and defied court order after court order. She is getting her Karma now bc her criminal activity has been caught. I wasn't shocked she was doing things illegal, but I am shocked at the size and extent of it. I feel she is a total narcissist who thinks the rules - laws, court orders, parental rights, social boundaries - don't extend to her.

    What gets me is that this child, even since this has come to light (and it looks to be VERY bad for her mother), is still there with unwavering devotion. I would think this would be the point, as an adult, I would ask myself, "What else is my mother capable of? What lies has she told? How has she manipulated me and others that hasn't been discovered?" But I have learned with years long alienation, children truly become blind to what is right in front of them bc they have been brainwashed so totally.

    But yes, she is an adult and now the onus is on her to open her eyes, take off the blinders, or remain ignorant and controlled by her deceitful mother.
  19. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    I did not know this. Whoa, this gives me much to think about tonight.

    Thank you for sharing your story. The story is horrible, and i am glad you have this place to share it...for you...for all of us
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I didn't know it either until I spent a few years reading estrangement sites. At least on those very active sites, a reconciliation is often loaded with nasty one sided conditions that demean the parent and things do not go back to how they were nor are explanations given. Grandson are still played and used. The parent, like me, gets fed up and says ENOUGH ABUSE. I am done this time. Many just are sick of groveling to a child who is relentlessly abusive and controlling.

    I get it. I don't want this stranger and the wife I know is so much a part of this in my peaceful life. He wants me out of his life...I hope he means it because he IS out of my life. And that of my loving family's life too.