Therapy session and what hub and I are doing

[BusynMember]

The therapist was pretty good. I've known her for a long time. Basically, she emphasized that hub and I have to be on the same page and that it is always a no-no for him to be disrespectful to my point of view in front of the k ids. I think he gets it. He really doesn't want me to leave.

At 11am we are having a family meeting in which Jumper and Sonic will learn new rules. If either of them breaks a rule, including minor disrespect rules (Jumper needs a firm hand right now) they lose their most beloved possessions for twenty-four hours. For Sonic, that's his videogames, but he doesn't mouth off much and if I ask him to do something, he usually will. For Jumper:

1/No basketball practice or games if she has any outstanding homework. She has to finish it first.

2/24 hrs. off her cell phone (this will k ill her) if she disregards something I tell her to do. It's automatic and non-negotiable. She can also lose basketball privileges. She will also have to do chores, which she hates, such as washing the dishes (we have no dishwasher). Sonic has to do them too, although he already does do some. And hub has to back me up.

Jumper is not a hard child to get to tow the line. But you have to stick to consequences. We'll see how it goes. Any other suggestions are welcome.

 

[DDD]

Sounds like good news. Getting on the same page is paramount for family function. Fingers crossed it works smoothly.
With Jumper I wonder about choosing basketball as the consequence. If she is part of a team her absence will impact her teammates and her Coach. When we were competitive sports parenting the team participation and responsibilities taught life lessons that were very important. If she values her social life would missing parties and sleepovers etc. serve as a more effective lesson? Very obviously you and husband are the ones in charge, lol, but thought I would kick in my thoughts. Good luck to your entire family. DDD

 

[HaoZi]

Basketball is very important to her from what I recall. If she doesn't want to let down her teammates, she will do what she needs to do in order to participate. Military is very similar, if you foul up, your whole unit is punished and you push harder to not let them down again.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im with DDD on taking away basketball or any sports at all. That is her social outlet and I dont think that is wise. I would come up with something else. The chores are great. Losing electronics is great. Grounding is great. I wouldnt take away something that improves her self esteem.

 

[BusynMember]

Basketball means enough to her that I doubt she'll do anything to mess it up. She cares more about basketball than sleepovers. The fact is, she has to pass all of her classes to play basketball so she has to have all of her homework in before we will let her play basketball. She has an extra study hall and can go for help early in the morning before school as well. I don't think she'll risk missing basketball. We'll see how it goes.

 

[DDD]

That's great that she cares enough to do as needed. Sometimes it gets a bit hairy replying to a thread because there are so many nice family members with a huge variety of kids. For an out of control teen, like we had, that choice would have made
him bond with difficult child's more than easy child's. Of course...that happened anyway, sad to say. I'm rooting for you all. DDD

 

[Shari]

i hear ya ddd. difficult child 1 always had the rough crowd hanging right at the edges...if we'd have taken sports from him, he'd have just swapped "crowds".
sounds like jumper's maybe not so ingrained in the difficult child-ness, tho, as our were.
hugs, mwm. hang in there.

 

[Marguerite]

Don't forget the flip side of all this for all three of them - hub, Jumper and Sonic. Unconditional praise when they do something they should. Never forget to say, "Thank you for doing that job without fuss. I really appreciated that and it helped me a lot." Never link your praise to criticism - never say, "Thanks for doing that washing up at last, I only had to ask you four times..." or "I'm glad you finally did what I asked you to. Why can't you be like that all the time?"

When you thank someone or praise someone, keep ti simple and separated from anything else. it also models that behaviour for the others and they are more likely to thank you, unconditionally and without prompting.

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks, all. Jumper does not have a difficult child personality for the most part, but she's sort of a difficult child due to her learning difficulties. Today I was thinking of how sad she will be if she can't go to a four year college to play basketball (and become an athletic trainer). I did some research and found that the University of Wisconsin has two year colleges that can lead to transfers to four years. They are much easier to get into, accept Learning Disability (LD) kids, and have sports. She's only fourteen, but I always like to look to the future early...lol.
Jumper was in good spirits today when we were shopping and because she was helpful around the house and promised to be home by 11:30am tomorrow, I let her stay the night with a friend who lives a few blocks away. She is not that hard to reign in. Social Worker we saw (and that I see once a month) knows her and called her sometimes rudeness toward me typical teen. The fact that she WILL listen when disciplined is a good sign.
Tomorrow we are putting up the Christmas tree, watching football, and Jumper has to clean her hurricane-like room. Sonic said he'd help. I don't expect more problems soon, but if I get any...I'll need to vent and ask for help. Thanks for being there.