therapy was rough today

[Jena]

hi

i have therapy every sunday. she's gotten to know me so very well this past year. since learning of the diagnosis of complex ptsd, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and adhd in me it's been liberating to understand i do have some stuff which explains some stuff i go through.

yet since facing a trauma this past year that was hidden for years (repressed memories), hence than being diagnosis with complex ptsd my anxiety can go thru the roof with out much warning. i can go from 0 to 60 in a short time frame. it has given me a much better understanding of difficult child and probably added to the level of patience i display to her.

she suggested medication's a while back i didn't want to. i tried an anti depressant at one point that made me want to drive my truck into a wall that was def. a no go!! lol. yet she came up with a plan for me if i didn't want to use medications.....which is daily maintenance of yoga and meditation and some basic other tips to relieve the symptoms when they hit. yet when i skip days or cluster of days it can be quite rough especially if other issues in my world are creating pressure.

this year has completely redefined who i am, my obvious limitations, my outlook, everything. i've had extreme anxiety past 3 days, panic attacks, etc. minimal sleep. all because i didn't do my stuff. it's a real pain in the butt living with this diagnosis. the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (obsessional thinking I have) takes thought to control it and catch myself, the adhd is easy for me to handle at times, yet the ptsd is overwhelming. i am very diligant with difficult child and older daughter, his kids, him, etc. to the point where i forget who i am and what i'm about. yet she explained to me today why it is, that is the fact it's easier for me to work on everyone else and meet their needs than to be quiet within my own self and handle my own needs. she said i often experience life outside my body. creepy. lol. yet i knew what she meant.

i don't know if anyone else has been through this personally while handling our difficult child's but if you have i'd love to hear how you managed. once you open that pandora's box and handle the stuff, flashbacks, memories, etc. than realize the diagnosis and all the symptoms start to occur because you were "healthy" and dealt with the past lol. ugh!!!! than everything in your life changes, completely and totally.

ok thanks for letting me get that out.

 

[Andy]

I am sorry - I do not have experience but do have support. It sounds like you are making great progress. Sometimes those rough therapy days are really what makes the therapy work. It means you are dealing with the tough issues you need to.

 

[TerryJ2]

Jennifer, sounds like you're doing some really good, hard work. Bravo.

It is extremely difficult to handle our own issues while we've got our difficult child's to deal with. They can revive PTSD from our own pasts because their own behaviors may mimic something we've repressed and boom! There it is again.

In some ways, their issues can help us learn about ourselves. For eg., with-my own difficult child, it never occurred to me that I might have some kind of Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) until I noticed that he had it to a small degree, and that he craves stimulation as much as I abhor it.

He likes to be hugged really, really hard until he can hardly breathe. I am claustrophobic. He will wear filthy clothes that reek of urine. I have to shower every day, and can't stand even the tiniest BO. He will pull on a pr of soaking wet, muddy cleats for baseball and hit a home run. I can't have a wrinkle in my sock or I'll drive over the curb.
And don't even get me started about scratchy tags. I am the Princess and the Pea. He's Shrek.

I write poetry and short stories that sometimes deal with-hard issues, either in my childhood or right now. It is very therapeutic. It really helps me explore issues in a constructive way. (Getting paid for it is an even more positive affirmation! )
I have also found that if I am in a blue mood, it is the best time to write a sad scene in a story, rather than to just sit down and write a linear fashion. It is too sterile. The feeling is false. I have to be sitting at the keyboard crying or the words won't come out right.
(And if the UPS man rings the doorbell at the wrong moment, he gets kicked into orbit!)

I've also noticed that I absorb emotions around me, so if I've been watching comedy on TV or reading a funny book, my writing will come out funny.

In the same vein, I have to be careful not to absorb too much of my difficult child's wrath because I am way too thin-skinned. It has taken me yrs to realize he "doesn't really mean it" when he says he "doesn't really mean it." I took it so personally partly because I was born sensitive, but also because I had a very unsupportive mother who belittled us and left us kids all very vulnerable to criticism, never questioning whether it was valid. My husband says I'm like the empath on the old Star Trek series and I may bring myself too close to the edge ... LOL.

I've tried to re-cast or re-frame my experiences with-my difficult child to see how they have helped me become a better, stronger person. A few yrs ago, I was even too timid to assert myself with-incompetent salesclerks b4 he came along. Now I'm ready to take over the store, LOL!

Is your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) about any topic in particular or can it be anything that pops into your head? Does it happen when your difficult child's stress you out? Does it interfere with-your interactions with-them?

Again, bravo for your hard work. I hope I haven't been too tangential here ...

 

[trinityroyal]

Hi Jen,

It does sound like you've been making lots of good headway in your therapy. It's really tough sledding, but so important to get through...

I have been doing a lot of work in my therapy as well, dealing with lots of issues from childhood and the ripple effect they have had throughout my life since then. I too tend to hide from it by dealing with other people's problems instead of my own. I'm the "advice lady" who can't seem to take my own advice.

What I've been doing lately that seems to work better than anything else I've tried is to envision a steamer trunk (I call it the tickle trunk, from Mr. Dressup...my favourite show when I was a tiny tot. It was where he kept dress up costumes, craft supplies and all sorts of other stuff). So I open up my mental tickle trunk and root around in it. Dig as deep as I can manage, unpack memories and behaviour and examine them at length. Dress up in costumes (in other words, reframe situations in order to take back the power I didn't have as a small child), make crafts (affirmations of self-love and strength), and things like that.

When I've done all I can for a particular session, I pack everything away in the trunk and put it back on the shelf. For the most part I do all of this in my mind, but I have a few objects from childhood that I take out and look at sometimes.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, or if it will help you in working through your issues, but it has helped me tremendously. I find that it makes the process much less scary and daunting.

Feel free to PM me if you want more info. Hope this helps,
Trinity

 

[Jena]

Andy thanks for the support

Terry - wild isn't it the differences that can exist, the things you wrote, i especially liked the sending ups guy into orbit lol. The fact that we can learn alot about ourselves through our little difficult child's...I totally see your point though. I'm impressed you can write your stuff down the way you say you can. That is wonderful, truly a gift.

me, well it was a repressed (years worth of memory that boyfriend pushed out of me, for my own good), so that hit me about 6 mos. ago and i've been dealing every since. i'm through the flashback stage of it thank good ness. it hits on occassion but i'm handling the memories alot better. i'm not pushing for new ones anymore i got hte overall jest of it lol. yet we sat down did some testing and the diagnosis of complex ptsd, and all the ugly things that are coming from it. the anxiety is the worst, i've seperated from time to time she has taught me the tools to get through them when it hits it is without warning not triggered directly by difficult child at all, yet handling her while in it can be challenging to say the least i just keep breathing through it and i don't fight the disconnect i just ride the wave i've been taught. so far so good. yet it wares me down and tires me. the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is strictly obsessional thinking and yup can be just about anything that pops into my little head at any given moment. yet it is usually the issues i face here at home.

There are alot of good days there are, yet past week has been a rough one for me. it is just at times i get tired of having to work so very hard just for what i know others (friends of mine, boyfriend) have everyday which is peace calm and a peace of mind. i'm angered that i have to work so diligently to attain these things and i do find it unfair. yes i know, such is life.

she basically suggested to me that i can keep moving forward with it, yet it doesn't weaken me as a person at all to try a low dosage medication to combat the anxiety for now so that i can continue to master the skills she is teaching me to make it through.

anyway so that's it in a nutshell basically. I'll be fine just have to find the least upsetting approach for me to handle this is all.

 

[Jena]

Trinity thanks that is a very creative way of handling it. I'm actually very impressed by the amount of thought you must of put into that to process, shelf, than bring it down again. wow.

i did a similar thing actually myself to get through the brunt of the flashbacks, nightmares, and memories when they were in full force some 6 mos. ago. yet the biggest issue i have now with it is the anxiety that can heighten without fore warning on me and controlling it when it does. there are days i handle it better than others. this past friday out of the blue i woke up and had a panic attack pretty bad actually. now difficult child had gotten into school late as usual and for the most part i decided it was the day that i wouldnt' push through it so i sat my butt on my couch and stayed there watching some new show starter wife to re engage myself back into reality mode. it took some time to accomplish yet once i did i was so very grateful i was able to pick up difficult child like i do everyday and than go to park on swings iwth her for hours after school and even a playdate. yet i hate to lose days like that. i think well therapist and i both think it's the days in which i'm not on the go that it hits when i need to be calm with myself. being alone with me is very hard. i totally love me, no really i do lol i make myself laugh alot and i often talk to myself as well yet my therapist says since this all came out only 6 mos ago my quiet moments with me just aren't what they used to be.

guess everything just takes time........i wish you continued luck and success on your road sounds like your doing a great job

 

[TerryJ2]

The flashbacks sound awful. It sounds like you may be through the worst of it thought. Neat idea to stay on the couch and watch a show. My BiPo friend does that a lot.
Sounds like it gave you a real boost ... that you were able to go to the park and do a play date, too.

 

[Jena]

good morning,

yes sometimes i guess you just have to be patient with yourself. yet unfortunately sunday's therapy triggered some stuff that i've been dealing with. so i've just been trying to focus on difficult child and get through past few days without losing it lol. i've steered clear of boards wasn't in sound mind to be a good listener. yet it seems to be calming a bit today. such fun for us, huh..?? lol

how did you begin writing if you don't mind me asking.......

 

[TerryJ2]

I've always loved writing. I used to keep a diary when I was a kid. I wrote down which friends I liked the best, and the plots to TV shows. Then I started writing stories. I'd read them to my little sister, and if she cried, I figured it was a good story. Heh heh.
I majored in art, and after I graduated, started writing art reviews for very small local newspapers, and one thing led to another.

 

[Jena]

wow good for you. also very theraputic i would imagine. that's pretty funny that if your sister cried you knew you were doing good lol.

i majored in early childhood a million years ago, didn't finish bachelor's because my first child came...worked for few years in private school with special needs kids i loved it yet couldn't survive on that income at all, went to school for rest. mgmgt did that for 7 years, then did paralegal thing, worked at that for 5 years and now i'm unemployed lol. opened my own small para bus. which has not averaged a whole lot of money weekly, just pocket change. yup i bounce all over the place....