These are not your feelings....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Sep 18, 2007.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    You all know how dramatic & selfish our difficult children can be. kt has been especially dramatic, emotional & in your face of late. On top of that, we owe her because I've been sick & she's been asked to help out. Or, that is what she's been telling her in home therapist.

    Having said that, kt was extremely difficult & rude last night. I was on my last nerve. I told kt that this was her choice, walked away from the drama in tears. I was overtired - had just overextended myself yesterday.

    kt came to me & told me to stop crying because it was making her uncomfortable.

    "kt, my love, these are my tears; this is my sadness. I can have feelings - I can have & express my feelings. You are not the only one in this house who feels sad or angry. If you choose to feel sad because of my sadness that's okay - don't blame me later for that sadness. Stop blaming me or my being ill for poor angry choices. And I love you."

    For some reason those words stopped kt in her tracks. She did what I asked her to do & toddled off to bed.

    Nothing more was said last night or this morning. We'll see how this afternoon goes.
  2. Hmm...

    Must be something in the air. My difficult child hit me with one of those zingers last night that chilled me to the bone and really hurt my feelings. Parenting is not for the faint hearted is it? With easy child out and away at college I had forgotten how teenagers can really sock it to you. I keep repeating my mantra "This too will pass",
    "This too will pass", "This too will pass".

    Wouldn't you agree that it better?
  3. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I am glad letting her know that helped. Had to have that chat more than once with difficult child 1. I think with all the treament etc they get that is so focused on them they forget that it isn't.

    Several years ago now I had to remind a counselor that family therapy meant "family" and not just difficult children.

    Hope today is better.

  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Linda- That was put quite beautifully... thank you for sharing a painful but nice ending to something.

    Last night I too was explaining to K that sometimes I raise my voice or get frustrated just like her... I too have to work on things and sometimes I am just tired. She listened and said, "Well maybe Mommy you could say in a real quiet and soft voice, please stop that K and you need to take a time out, OK Mommy?"

    I said I will try, while laughing inside... how cute!!!

    by the way- It did not work this morning!!! LOL "Please brush you teeth and stop taunting your sister"... in a nice quiet calm voice...
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    Linda that was perfect! I'm proud of kt for expressing her feelings that way and for hearing *you* express yours. Great stuff!
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree. You couldn't have come back with a better response if you'd spent hours thinking about it. I think such wake up calls that they aren't the center of the universe are important.

    Glad she responded so well to it.

  7. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    You realize, of course, that one day she might ask why you choose to be sad and angry. You may have conveyed that your feelings were a normal emotional response but her feelings are a choice.
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    ...or she may not. For now, especially considering the emotions running high and how you would be feeling, I think you handled it really well. In this, you removed yourself when she upset you, whereas she was chasing you down because you upset her, in her eyes. You walked away (appropriate) - she pursued.

    And if ever she DOES come back and accuse you of not being perfect - well, you have been going through a rough patch physically lately which takes its toll emotionally as well.

    And sometimes it's purely physical exhaustion - I've been so exhausted I had tears pouring down my face even though I wasn't feeling emotional - it was pure physical exhaustion. It just happens sometimes.

    Although tonight, Linda - it does sound like she got to you - understandably. It's easier for us to choose to not let it affect us, when we feel stronger. It's far more difficult when we feel so frustrated and afraid, for all the other things in life bowling us over.

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I know this kind of statement can come back to bite me. However, kt was choosing to be defiant & in my face. I can tell the "kt meltdown/out of control" stance, look & such versus complete defiance & attention seeking through any way possible.

    Thank you for your words of encouragement. For the most part, kt has responded to the fact that others around her have feelings. And that they respond to kt's actions; her words & tone of voice.

    She told me after school, that she's been snappier at school too - that they are working on her tone of voice; on her reactivity. "Time to stop & think". kt hates "stop & think".

    Marg, as you know, we've had emotional times here - you're right in that I'm not where I was a few months ago. I can no longer tolerate the level & length of kt's outbursts. I'm working on this with our PCAs (learning to step in) & my therapist.

    Again thank you - there are days. Today is a new one! Here's to a better day. :future:
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think that was awesome. ALL of our kids need to know that we have feelings too and we're entitled to them. If anything, it should teach them a little something about empathy. When I cry, my kids are visibly upset. My easy child will sometimes start crying when I cry - even at almost 20! difficult child immediately begins scurrying through the house doing chores or coming up with ideas to make me stop crying, such as "lets go out to dinner at________. That always makes you happy." lol.

    I'm glad your words gave kt something to think about.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you handled it beautifully!