THEY didn't call - THEY never said sorry

[Star*]

HI all -

I thought maybe I was 'over-reacting' to this scenario. When I question what I do /say I share with DF and/or bring it here to share with you all.

Let me set up the players -

Dude, Dudes friend living in foster care 2 hours away, TFP, ME.

So it's 8:00 PM - Dude calls. Says he has called all the people involved to set up a day-date with his friend. They are going to the movies, with friends pregnant girlfriend, and her sister. The caseworker got called, the foster parents are okay I just need you to say OK Mom. Well - ok.

Dude then tells me he will be at my house at 7:00-7:30 AM (So there goes Wynters Grace telling me to sleep in) okay - deal with it - clean home earlier - etc.

I get up at 6:30 - I make coffee, pot some plants - do a load or two of laundry = and look it's nearly 8:00AM. NO call, no Dude. It is raining - but still - no call.

At 9:15 the friend calls - it's raining he just woke up would I relay this message he's late. Okay - then starts with well then tell him this and that - I said No.....you tell him. These were YOU GUYS' plans NOT mine and DF and I already rearranged our day for this - Not happy. He says "Well I called." hangs up.

11:45 Dude calls - No hello, good morning - asks if friend is there. I am PEEVED. I calmly said "Where were you at 7:00 I thought you were coming here." (sleepily says - sleeping) and I said - "It was nice of you to ask to come here, have me rearrange our day to make sure you could meet your friend at our home and never call." - I got (MAAMMA don't start, please) and that was it. Don't START?? ARGH.

So I hung up from him telling him his friend did call - and I dont' appreciate getting drug into the middle of THEIR plans - I HAD PLANS I HAVE A LIFE - and I rearranged it to be nice - and never even got a phone call.

Dude thinks I am over reacting.

When the friend gets here I plan on telling them both - that from NOW ON - should THEY make plans don't bother using my house as a meeting spot. Dude does not live here, he didn't come Home TODAY to see me - he was coming here to save his buddy gas money because he lives 5 miles farther out than we do.

And DF's question - "Well I hope he has gas money to take you HOME." (long silent pause) then you hear that teenage exhale - "Because WE are not giving you a ride back." (longer pause) and then - FINE. WHATEVER.

I'm so over this all......I did not yell, I just stated facts and STILL I'm treated like a 3rd world country.



\\

 

[DDD]

I understand that you are chapped off. All Mothers of teens can relate.
You all have had a roller coaster existence...but...what you just shared with us is "Typical Teen" garbage not difficult child stuff. I've had both. Take my word for it. You may want to slap his head off his neck (one of my favorite threats around here for the boys) but, alas, Dude was being adolescent "normal". Ugh! DDD

 

[meowbunny]

Totally agree with DDD. This is so much a teen, it hurts. The chances of them getting up early is a joke. Unless someone stands over them and makes them get up, it ain't gonna happen. So, you could have slept in, cleaned your house, mowed your lawn, painted the barn and probably still had time for a cuppa before either one showed up.

Personally, I would have told the boys no problem about using this as a meeting place. If one of them showed up early, they could have knocked and gotten me out of bed. I learned a long time ago to not change my plans for a teen (whether mine, a friend of my daughter's, my neighbor's or a friend of mine's) -- if the plan was mine, I expected to be banging on a door to get things moving. If the plan was theirs, I would do whatever I had planned and help out with their plans when they showed up.

This is a take a deep breath type thing. I doubt either thought you were changing your plans around for them, just wasn't a consideration. They probably were surprised to hear you even considered sleeping in -- moms don't do that, you know. To Dude's mind, you really were overreacting. To most parents' minds, you were justified in being irritated.

 

[Shari]

Unfortuntely, I agree with D3. Its so hard to extricate the typical teen from the constant barrage of difficult child garbage.

However, I also don't think you over-reacted, either. I'd have said something similar to my easy child (in fact, last summer, did, when I took a week off work and made plans for a vacation that he then decided not to attend) and might have even said it a little louder.

Hugs.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

typical teen or not, you did not over-react. typical teen still means teen, not toddler, and a teen is old enough to keep other people into consideration. Even if his phone call had started out with "Oh my God mom, I am SO sorry...I overslept." That would have changed the whole tone of the rest of the day.

Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. THAT is what makes him a typical teen.

Never mind.

 

[WhymeMom?]

Yeah, kinda thinking I would have laughed when he said 7-7:30 am.......but I think you let him know you are a destination, not a layover..........(or a pushover)........good for you, being a parent is a learning process.......you'll know better next time he calls.........

 

[dreamer]

I did not read the replies, sorry- just dashed in from playing in the dirt in my yard to take difficult child to work-----
I can tell you, "I" would NOT be over it, I would be grumbling, bellowing, complaining, whining all day long! I do NOT do mornings, (worked 2nd and or 3rd shift all my life) and I HATE when someone decides something would be so nice so darned early in the morning, especially on a day I might otherwise have gotten to sleep in a little bit. 7 am to me is like 3 am to other people- and I always have wondered how ANYONE else would like for me to simply make plans that include them for anything for 3 am? HA HA! yeah right, in my dreams. THat INCLUDES non social things like when my kids homebound teachers wanted to meet at 7 am on Saturdays.I really wanted to say gosh, how about when I get off work, - say 2 am?
OK, I do not get nearly as difficult if someone names a time say..9 am? Becuz I DO understand I am the weird one to work or funcction at the schedule I do....BUT in my humble opinion? 7 am is a tad early even for "normal" people......and yeah, if I agreed to this arrangement, and went that bit out of my way to be awake and haveing people in? I would be supremely angry. And I would be expressing it rather vocally.

AND I hate being "stood up" too. I tend to get a little over excited and a bit anxious, no matter who might be stopping by or for what. (it is a kinda rare occurance) I would NOT like makeing myself presentable and all to have none bother to give a courtesy call or anything. It leaves me in hypped mode with nothing to expend it on.

 

[dreamer]

ROFL, ok - read the replies, now----(and I was early for getting difficult child to work, LOL)

Um? well, whether it is typical teen or difficult child? Doesn't matter much to me....I would still be vocal and haveing my own tantrum. ANd my kids would be finding out gosh gee, mom is human and mom has her own ideas and plans and I would be yelling that hmmmm, they better wtach out cuz tomorrow, I might come wake them up when it seems a nice time to me, maybe cuz I suddenly decided at 3 am, looking at the moon over there was just so awesome and a perfect opportunity to have some mother child bonding, and gee, don't they just totally agree with me? And aw gee, how could they argue with mommy? I am simply thinking of them?
Even my shadow knows better than to be asking me for a favor and then leving me hanging. LOL.
Yeah, maybe time for a lil talk, such as hey dude, you know when you say you are gonna be here, it does take me a few minutes to be ready to come answer the door, be dressed and presentable...I am not a teen and I do not roll outta bed quite the same as you or your friends. I do not answer the door in my PJs nor can I even FIND the door without morning hmj (or whatever) and when given a chance to SEE you my ADOREING child- I get excited and want to be awake. Even if you are only gonna be here long enough to meet a friend, and I want to take full advantage of those moments----so my dear dude- USE SOME CONSIDERATION NEXT TIME- except ya know dude? I am in NO hurry to agree to a next time for THIS kind of incident.

 

[Suz]

I agree. Call it what you will- typical teen or difficult child- it doesn't matter to me. The bottom line is that it was downright rude and inconsiderate behavior.

I would be just as ticked as you were, Star.

Suz

 

[standswithcourage]

I would be ticked too just realizing that the behavior is typical = self centered and that is it. I wouldnt fret too much about it. I would let it go and you have already told him you didnt appreciate it - now you will know next time what to do. You dont have to take it. Let it go.

 

[Hound dog]

typical teen stuff. been there done that.

But your reaction was not over reacting. Dude shouldn't expect you to rearrange your day for HIS plans, even to be nice.

Sorry you didn't get to sleep in.

Hugs

 

[Abbey]

Ha! Know what I did to easy child this morning? I brought all the trash cans in his room and dumped them on his bed while he was sleeping. This is the ONLY chore he has to do each week. I heard the trucks coming by about 6am and was ready to roll. Come on? How difficult is this? Can you do it the night before?

So he spent the better part of the day cleaning up the trash and bedding. I told him I don't care where it goes, but it needs to GO.

Abbey

 

[Star*]

Thanks all -

(Um Abbey - ROFLMAO) Girl - would have loved to have a picture of that! Maybe you should have made YOUR video.


Well - update -

11:15 Dude shows up. Walks in - no hug no greeting - just peeved friend is not here.

I tell him friend called at 9:15 - and said yawning he was sleeping in - and doesn't like to drive in the rain.

I endure the fallout of WHAT am I going to do NOW.....(I have no idea but I've been up since 6:30 and I'm going to 'puter, finish my bedding in the laundry - hang up a few things) and I went on about my business - but locked all the doors behind me - SNOOP BAGGY DRAWERS was not going to have a field day in my house - and THAT made him angry. Sorry Charlie - you steal you snoop and this is how it's going to be until you make me believe otherwise - like 35 and in your own home.

So at 11:45 he comes in and flops down and states he's bored. WOULD I like to TAKE HIM shopping? WE could go do fun stuff like we used to. I was so angry - NOW I AM AN OPTION B?? NOPE. So I simply said "No.

That was greeting with - WHYYYYYYYYY? (I hate when boys whine it's worse than girls) and I said "Because we'll no sooner get to the places I would go IF I wanted to go - and we'd get a call that your friend was here and you would want me to RUN home - lickity split - and I'm not going to upset myself further - then added - YOU STILL haven't said sorry for making me get up while you slept in." So Dude says - "well we could take the cell and when he comes Dad could do this and call and that and Dad this..." and I said "DAD is NOT going to do anything = DO NOT INVOLVE HIM IN YOUR PLANS WITHOUT ASKING PERIOD."

So then typical teen storms off - and flops down in another chair - and beings to mumble how he can't believe I yelled at his friend when he called. I did not yell - I told an 18 year old boy he was irresponsible and invaded on my day and it won't happen again.

So I looked at the clock and pacing Dude and I said - Well at 12:15 I think you should find a way home - I don't think he's coming, it's still raining. And so he swipes all the stuff off the table (little things I got him to help him out) and says WELL COME ON - YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME HOME. Then I hear him calling the TFP to see if they are going out to eat and can he go too.

- I was making Knoephella Soup, Corn bread - and strawberry shortcake - that was not good enough.

So we took him home - but not until DF had a come to Pappa meeting about how he treats his Mother like crud. We dropped him off - I got no thank you, no hug - nothing - he just walked away.

SO for a while anyway - I'm not going to be available. Not by phone, not in person - I'm tired of being treated like this. typical teen yes - but the rudeness level? After I've done NOTHING but help him? Nah - I'm getting closer to being done.

I told DF today - apparently I do not learn with time - I learn with experiences. The more bad experiences I have - the more distant I want to be from this all. If it were a matter of learning in "time" I would have handed him back at birth. lol

Hugs
Thanks for listening

 

[meowbunny]

Sigh. Sorry he is being such a jerk! I can understand the am behavior. Not like it but understand the garbage of I'll be there early and then not even get up.

However, the behavior while in your home is absolutely inexcusable. He should be very grateful you are his mother and not me. I would have given him the choice of helping around the house or finding a way back to his foster home. As to the things he took off the table, since he couldn't seem to say thank you and probably took more than was offered, I would have demanded everything back. I really don't handle rudeness and entitlement too well.

How did he get to your house? What were the original plans to get him back to the foster home? I certainly wouldn't have taken him back given his behavior. Maybe a conversation with the foster parents is in order. Who knows, they might be able to instill some semblance of common courtesy in Dude?

 

[Star*]

Bunny,

The original plan was for the friend to be here - go to the movies, have a date day - and then be back at TFP by 9:30 PM.....to which I thought _ HA......I let you stay out till 11:00. (hows that noose now boy?) argh.

The rudeness - Is all I get. DF told him that his behavior in the PD office of acting like he is 1/2 embarrassed of me is done. The sense of entitlement is waining. I've been distancing myself because I need to. Then he'll call and have something exciting to tell or share and I always listen. I so want to be a part of his life. I'm still worried that he's going to do 15 years - and of course I just want to hug him and tell him it will be okay - but he's like a porcupine.

When he walked out - saying "c ya" I thought - Yeah "C ya" so I said that back - and DF said he wished he knew that was as hurtful to him as it was to me because maybe he wouldn't do it.

Neither of us know what goes on in his head. Both of us wish we had any idea of what he felt. ALL of us here are tired of being used...but we know we're the only ones that can say - NO more. And no more is very close.

I'm tired of being treated like I'm an embarrassment. I could get over the typical teen stuff - but his level of disrespect then CAN I HAVE, WILL YOU DO is beyond me.

If it's a mask for his fears - or his disability - I wish someone would point that out to me - because I just feel sad.

Hugs
Thanks

 

[Hound dog]

I brought all the trash cans in his room and dumped them on his bed while he was sleeping.

OMG Abbey! My Mom did that to ME as a teen. And as I recall I thought it the most disgusting act on earth.

((hugs)) Star. It stinks when you try to do something nice and it backfires.

 

[mom_to_3]

I would be very upset/angry too Star. I have noticed something interesting and maybe you are seeing it too. As each of my children approached 18, I noticed more and more things that just bugged me, got on my nerves about said child. And when they pulled a stunt like Dude just did, I really got my nose bent out of shape! I would be aggravated and vow to never let that situation happen again! I think this is the way nature intended it. While we still love our children, it definitely helps us to "move away" from them and let them fly on their own wings. I hope you're starting to feel a bit better!

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. I hate the incredible rudeness they have. I hate the oblivious way they just go about their business, uncaring that Mom has thoughts, feelings, other plans, and a life. We have that going here, too.

 

[meowbunny]

Star, I really and truly don't like to start my mornings crying but your comment, "I so want to be a part of his life" is exactly how it is here. I've accepted crumbs to be part of my daughter's life so many times. For those crumbs, I gave her cake. I think it has finally stopped.

I will no longer rearrange my schedule to accommodate her and her desires. I am not tearing up my house and my things so she can have whatever. I truly have reached the point where she will not treat me as something she can walk all over, she will not talk to me with total disrespect, she will not ....

You've found with Dude that when you walk away, he runs after you and becomes a bit of the son you want. Well, you did it at court and it worked, it is time to do it at home. The next time he wants to do something, give him YOUR schedule. Don't let him dictate when he will come or go. It really is okay to use your home to meet someone, provided he give you at least 30 minutes of visiting and that 30 minutes be civil. If he can't do that, then he should meet elsewhere -- preferably an open road on a cold, windy, wet day. If he wants a ride, he pays for the gas unless you truly happen to be going the same way. No respect in your home means he leaves it immediately.

Maybe with enough practice, we'll both get this detachment with love thing right. We both love our kids and have done the very best we could to raise them. We really do deserve at least some respect for not killing them along the way.

I know I am making my mantra "Do not make someone a priority to whom you are but an option." (Okay, I paraphrased a bit -- I'm a grammar nut.)

 

[Star*]

I have carole ann's british friends statement about

Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option on my computer and near my phone.

I told DF that if Dude calls for a while - I'm just not here/ available.

I told DF that if Dude calls at work - I have to do detachment 101

I told myself - that I give better and deserve better - so will be expecting better.

NO MORE CRUMBS!!!! NO MORE CRUMBS!!!!

And I think your statement about This is how 18 year olds are moved out - gives them wings could not be more true m23 - thanks for that.

Hugs