They're Back in the Motel

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Oct 22, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Biomom sent 900.00 western union. I told katie she had to go back to the motel. Explained yet again (cuz I did it tons of times before she came) that her dad and I simply can not afford to have her and family here for any real length of time. And that shelters were not taking their need seriously because they were staying with family.

    They've been great and made me proud and I told them so. But we just can't do it when they have funds for the motel or somewhere else to go. They will still eat dinner here and I'll help them with the other 2 meals until she gets foodstamps. We will still help, they will just not be staying here.

    If husband or I had a job I might have toughed it out and let them save the cash for rent/deposit for when the hud apartment becomes available. Might.......but honestly I don't know. Five extra people were just too many.........and Evan equals at least 3 difficult children now that he's gotten comfortable with us........I spend most of my time trying not to strangle him. And katie's husband is as much a child and a difficult child as the boys are,........and while I don't mind large doses it gets to be too much.

    Honestly I've been feeling bad about this decision since yesterday. I'd made it purely by gut instinct and had not thought it through. I've gone back and forth on it a million times.......did not sleep well.......But after seeing her husband's behavior today......oh yeah. Right decision. Katie has grown up and is ready to change. Her husband is a difficult child who is a perpetual child that may never be able to grow up. Every since she picked up the cash her mom sent all she and I have heard is what he wants to buy.......stupid stuff.......stuff kids do ya know? Doesn't even phase him when she tells him that they have to have a place to LIVE first.......argh!!

    So odds are if I'd let them continue to stay here all that cash would be blown on stupid **** to fill up my house with a lot of junk. Nope. This puts the need of housing right back up in their faces again. Like it or not you are grown ups. Get it figured out. Katie has her priorities straight.....but she's going to have a battle keeping her husband in line and with the program. It is sooo obvious she has outgrown the man, even if she does still care for him.

    Family will continue to help, of course we will. But where the housing part of that help goes will depend on what I see is done with this money. If they come back here to stay if the cash runs out before a shelter spot opens or church can fund the rent is hanging in limbo right now. She should have paid 4 wks worth of motel rent.........she paid 1. ugh *slaps forhead* Her husband already talked her into buying snacks and wants to rent I can see where this could easily head.

    Katie and her husband gave me the alternate plan for if they waste this money and want to come back here to stay. She told her biomom to lie to get into a dv shelter in springfield if that was the only way she could get shelter. Well, she'll be told the same thing if I see that money wasted. Cuz I won't be feeling too generous to have them back here to stay.

    So I guess we'll see just how badly katie wants to change. At the shelter she and her husband were never allowed together. She said it changed her, and changed the way she feels about him and his behavior (gfgness). Well, the line has sort have been drawn in the sand for them,. Time for her to stand up for herself and her kids.

    It hoovers. It hoovered years ago when I had to do it. I just hope to high heaven she's got it in her to do it for those kid's sake. Man, being a Mom sure can blow major wind.:whiteflag:
  2. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    Ms Hound,

    You're thinking logically, even tho you may not always feel confident of that. I'm giving you 2 thumbs up for not enabling.
  3. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Good for you Lisa. When eldest moved back here a couple of years ago now, with N and W (major difficult child), I realized that I am the kind of person who, once experiencing something out of the norm once (read difficult child'ness) have no desire to ever experience it again. It had nothing to do with money issues, but more of the drama that comes with having to live again with kids with behavior problems, and their mom who isn't ever happy unless there is drama swirling around, and I found myself majorly sucked in that vortex even though I remember swearing I wouldn't go there - you just can't help yourself when a lot of "needieness" is happening.

    Am glad to see you have set boundaries - I should have done that instead of dragging it out for almost a year, cause the way it stands now, relationship with eldest and everyone who lives here is pretty much damaged beyond repair.


  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You made a very wise decision! You have a heart of gold, doing all that have done and will continue to do. Knowing that they're most likely going to waste most of that money, stinks. These two, after all this time living like this, may not ever change. This lifestyle is all they know. They only see a week in to the future. And the rest of the money is like lottery winnings to them. I know it's hard to witness this behavior, it's sad for the grands, but it's not disturbing for them it seems. Stay strong.
  5. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    You know you are doing the right thing. May not be the easy thing (especially for them) but it is the right thing.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Big giant mommy hugs to you Lisa! I'm glad you're so strong and were able to think logically. Katie will have to sort out her marital issues on her own and yes, hopefully, she will have grown enough to put the needs of her children before her adolescent H this time around. I pray she doesn't allow him to squander the money and does the right thing going forward.

    You're an excellent mom!
  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    The right thing is rarely easy. You've shown them a ton of love and acceptance and that is what matters. Keep your "Houndaries" firmly in place and don't let the guilts get to you. You're a great mom and you're setting a great example.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Thanks guys. I know I did the right thing, especially where Katie's husband is concerned. I just hope that she can finally see he has been a big part of the issue all these years. I don't lay all the blame at his feet for the simple reason she could have left him at any time. I know it's hard to walk away with someone you've spent most of your life with........but her kids and herself have got to come first with her and I know no other way of driving this point home.

    I'm not the Mom or the person I was the 1st time we did this. I've raised 3 other kids to adulthood, 2 of those difficult children. I have had to do many hard things to help them find their way. I didn't like it with them any more than I do now. But the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do. *sigh*

    I truly think Katie is ready to turn her life around. But unless she lets go of her husband that will be impossible to do. He's a perpetual child. Whether that is MRDD going on or something else does not matter. The moment money came into the picture his entire attitude changed and it was all about him and what he was going to buy. I started suspecting this when he really complained about computer withdrawls. Now I can empathize to some extent as I have the same without my computer is NOT a good thing. lol I made the mistake of saying easy child had an old E machine she was thinking about tossing that maybe Travis could fix for him once they got a place. That's all he's talked about every since......did not matter that fixing it would take time....didn't matter I'd told him he couldn't have it here.........he'd set it up in a corner he said........uh no, said you can't have it here duh. (yeah let's carry a computer to a shelter and see how desperate they think we are omg) Then once money from biomom arrived he not only wanted that computer........but started about how he wanted a new one or a used one from the pawn shop or 2nd hand computer shop we have here. Started trying to get Travis to go with him to look at them ect no matter how many times Katie told him no having a place to live comes first. Travis is no dummy. He refused to go to the computer shop......evaded most of the "conversation" and made up an excuse as to why it will take a while for him to fix easy child's computer. (honestly will take only about an hr to switch out the hard drives)

    Tells you something when Travis says Mom shouldn't he be worried about where they're going to live ect instead of getting a computer?

    Kicking myself for even mentioning that computer. dang it.

    Today we're going out to PCs so that the kids can all carve pumpkins together. I warned easy child about Katie's husband's obsession with that old computer.......cuz he might bring it up. If he does......because MY other kids DO have their priorities's going to get ugly and fast. easy child will tell him off. Nichole will tell him off. He utters a sound and sister in law will be on him like stink on sh*t. Both girls were behind me 100 percent over making katie return to the motel. They've been helping tons too........if they hadn't been we'd have not survived the week with katie and the kids here at all. They are not going to take his childish new attitude well.

    It's obvious that her husband has never experienced a real family environment. By the time all is said and done, he may wish he never had. lol Does not help that he never has been "liked" by the family to begin with. He'd improved that until the money got here.

    He was mad I'd made them go back to the motel. I still fixed them supper last night, just as I said I would. He went into the livingroom with a bag of chips declared to kayla he'd rather puke than eat dinner. (tension between him and katie could be cut with a knife at this point) Once dinner was ready he changed his mind. Kayla is much like her aunt Nichole and speaks her mind. She told Nana what daddy said in the livingroom right in front of him. Major p*ssed him off and he went off on her......saying she was a liar and saying he was talking about a tv show she was watching. Had her in tears and p*ssed me off, but I chose to stay out of it. It's not the first time he's acted like an overgrown child with the kids. He ate the meal, mad or not. Katie was busy trying to be the peacemaker. I just told her it was no skin off my nose if he ate it or not. lol His stomach. Then they couldn't get out of here fast enough. I am pretty sure that was more his doing than he was in such a rush he was making it hard for her and I to gather together what she would need for food for breakfast and lunches for the kids. And 99 percent of their belongings are still sitting in my diningroom.

    The man does love katie and the kids. I just don't think he has the capacity to grow up. I seriously don't think he can........I don't think it's a deliberate thing.......I just think it's beyond his capability. He thinks because he is willing to get a job and help katie with the kids that makes him grown up.....he just doesn't get there is sooooo much more to it than that. He dresses like a teen, he talks like a teen, he acts like a teen.....even in his parenting/relationship with katie.

    He also loves to talk about his ex gang he can hurt this person and that person.....blah blah blah. (man does that get old) And all the while I'm thinking bud if sister in law got hold of you, you'd be down for the count in 15 secs. Your 44, probably haven't even seen a fight since back in those "gang" days (which I think is a lie to make people afraid of him) and he'd take you out before you could blink. lol But will say it makes me nervous he carries a switch blade. But have news for katie......I will call the cops on his *ss anytime I feel the need and she'll just have to deal. We don't put up with that **** around here.:mad: But does make me shake my head. He's maybe 3 inches taller than me and I outweigh him. And even according to him he's always been that yeah, he'd have never survived gang life. I'm not totally stupid. He can't even keep the story of his past straight.........something of which I wonder if katie herself notices.

    Got a call from biomom. I refused to answer when she called last night because katie begged me not to tell her their in the motel. She's deathly afraid her Mom will try to move back in on her. (um doubt it cuz no one would pick her up from the bus station lol) But she called this morning and I made the excuse she was out with husband.

    Biomom said to stay on them. They have the tendency to be lazy and slack off.......and Katie has often got to be led by the hand to do things. Well, figured both those things. And no one will be leading Katie by the hand. It's all up to her.

    Katie is ready, she is fed up. But does she have the backbone and strength to change, that is the question. She walks around in what I call "victim" posture. (which I chewed her out for) I hope she does. Because if she doesn't she will discover the help will stop. This family helps those who help themselves first.

    We've dealt with too many difficult children for it to be any other way. lol:tongue:

    Makes me feel like a hard*ss.........and makes my heart hurt for the grands really bad. Because if their parents can't get their act together it will be the grands who will suffer for it. husband said that Alex was crying on the way to the motel last night because he was afraid he'd never see his Nana again.:(