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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 519882" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Shelly, SHelly, Shelly - You know what? It gets lonely on Parent Survivor Island when one of you is handing out the challenges and the other is constantly passing out the tiki of "you get a pass for this challenge" isn't it? I think you need to get in the hamster cage of life and replace the the meek mouse with a pit bull. I"m not saying be the totalitarian style parent - but I can see where you THINK that's what you are in comparison to husband who has a Disneyland approach to parenting. The first problem I think anyone could see under your roof is you two couldn't be farther apart on your parenting styles. husband brought his own issues into the world of child rearing and while it's admirable that he doesn't want to be anything like his parents? He has got to understand that a hands off style of parenting isn't going to get him the results with his kids in the long run either. </p><p></p><p>Actually at this point? You may as well just stop parenting, save yourself the stress and allow him to take over and see if HIS way gets any better results - when it all falls apart? THEN maybe with a tough love approach to your husband via your children? Maybe he'll begin to understand that discipline is needed and that's all you're trying to do - You're not being a tyrant - you're being a parent. He can't be their best friend until their much older. There's a time for that, but it is NOT now. Now is the time to teach, discipline, explain, show - and lead by example and reward. So my first thought is like many others have suggested? STOP stressing yourself out - and get you and husband to a family therapist. NOTHING in your home is going to be resolved until the TWO of you are on the same page, rewarding, parenting, and disciplining at least with a common goal and some idea of unity for discipline. Otherwise it's constant chaos - and your difficult child will CONSTANTLY and METHODICALLY divide and conquer - BOTH OF YOU - and it could end a marriage. Or at the least leave you both with a really, REALLY bad dislike for each other in the long run - long after difficult child is gone. </p><p></p><p>As far as getting him to a meeting? If he won't go willing? Fine. Then you go yourself and FIGURE OUT - what it is that YOU .....CAN DO. You have got to have a professional on the outside - a mediator giving you sound advice, professional advice on how to go back into this situation and literally attack it with what to say, how to say it - and if your husband isn't going to get on board with you? Then you're going to need help - again professional help with how to deal with him constantly undermining what you're doing and know WHY he's doing it and how to approach HIM with the LOGIC of a professional so that eventually your spoken words will sink into his brain when you go to him and say something like "You know honey, I understand that you want difficult child to have a wonderful sleepover tonight, like he did last week, and while that would be fun - I was thinking maybe this weekend it could be just you and me at XYZ restaurant or park or X, and difficult child next week, you really are such a GREAT Father to think of your kids first all the time, I know they appreciate it - I know I do." Instead of something like "GAWWD you aren't going to let him have another sleep over AGAIN are you =???HE just had one last weeked! I swear you are such a pushover UGH - I'm goign shopping." - Not that you do that - but A professional therapist can give you a way to say things TO him in such a manner that when A SITUATION presents itself YOU ARE ARMED with a better way to say what you mean that instead of your hubby being on the defensive because you are so stressed out of his way - HE hears - WOW I'm a good Dad, and my wife wants to spend time with me." and not - OH I'm a pushover huh? Well we'll see about that! </p><p></p><p>Make sense? I know because this is how DF and the therapist got to me. lol......All I ever needed was someone to talk to me right and NOT make me feel like I had to DEFEND what I was doing with MY SON. I was a good Mom, but I was doing things for the wrong reasons. I was trying to make up for his Dad, and thus - not making the right choices. AND ALSO NOT taking time for myself. I felt enormous guilt....after therapy? I didn't, and I don't anymore. But it didn't happen over night. And Dude was still Dude the entire time - but he got a lot of what we laid the law down to - later - and THAT is what is important. It happened -maybe not at 11, or 12 - but he's 21 now and while he's not the image of a poster child for walking on water? I think he's at least out in the boat with a pair of skiis practicing......</p><p></p><p>Just a thought anyway. </p><p></p><p>And as far as finding time for a therapist???? MAKE THE TIME......THERE IS NO ONE AND NOTHING AS IMPORTANT AS YOU AND THE WAY YOU PARENT YOUR CHILDREN, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. EVER. THAT IS A LIFE COMMITMENT.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 519882, member: 4964"] Shelly, SHelly, Shelly - You know what? It gets lonely on Parent Survivor Island when one of you is handing out the challenges and the other is constantly passing out the tiki of "you get a pass for this challenge" isn't it? I think you need to get in the hamster cage of life and replace the the meek mouse with a pit bull. I"m not saying be the totalitarian style parent - but I can see where you THINK that's what you are in comparison to husband who has a Disneyland approach to parenting. The first problem I think anyone could see under your roof is you two couldn't be farther apart on your parenting styles. husband brought his own issues into the world of child rearing and while it's admirable that he doesn't want to be anything like his parents? He has got to understand that a hands off style of parenting isn't going to get him the results with his kids in the long run either. Actually at this point? You may as well just stop parenting, save yourself the stress and allow him to take over and see if HIS way gets any better results - when it all falls apart? THEN maybe with a tough love approach to your husband via your children? Maybe he'll begin to understand that discipline is needed and that's all you're trying to do - You're not being a tyrant - you're being a parent. He can't be their best friend until their much older. There's a time for that, but it is NOT now. Now is the time to teach, discipline, explain, show - and lead by example and reward. So my first thought is like many others have suggested? STOP stressing yourself out - and get you and husband to a family therapist. NOTHING in your home is going to be resolved until the TWO of you are on the same page, rewarding, parenting, and disciplining at least with a common goal and some idea of unity for discipline. Otherwise it's constant chaos - and your difficult child will CONSTANTLY and METHODICALLY divide and conquer - BOTH OF YOU - and it could end a marriage. Or at the least leave you both with a really, REALLY bad dislike for each other in the long run - long after difficult child is gone. As far as getting him to a meeting? If he won't go willing? Fine. Then you go yourself and FIGURE OUT - what it is that YOU .....CAN DO. You have got to have a professional on the outside - a mediator giving you sound advice, professional advice on how to go back into this situation and literally attack it with what to say, how to say it - and if your husband isn't going to get on board with you? Then you're going to need help - again professional help with how to deal with him constantly undermining what you're doing and know WHY he's doing it and how to approach HIM with the LOGIC of a professional so that eventually your spoken words will sink into his brain when you go to him and say something like "You know honey, I understand that you want difficult child to have a wonderful sleepover tonight, like he did last week, and while that would be fun - I was thinking maybe this weekend it could be just you and me at XYZ restaurant or park or X, and difficult child next week, you really are such a GREAT Father to think of your kids first all the time, I know they appreciate it - I know I do." Instead of something like "GAWWD you aren't going to let him have another sleep over AGAIN are you =???HE just had one last weeked! I swear you are such a pushover UGH - I'm goign shopping." - Not that you do that - but A professional therapist can give you a way to say things TO him in such a manner that when A SITUATION presents itself YOU ARE ARMED with a better way to say what you mean that instead of your hubby being on the defensive because you are so stressed out of his way - HE hears - WOW I'm a good Dad, and my wife wants to spend time with me." and not - OH I'm a pushover huh? Well we'll see about that! Make sense? I know because this is how DF and the therapist got to me. lol......All I ever needed was someone to talk to me right and NOT make me feel like I had to DEFEND what I was doing with MY SON. I was a good Mom, but I was doing things for the wrong reasons. I was trying to make up for his Dad, and thus - not making the right choices. AND ALSO NOT taking time for myself. I felt enormous guilt....after therapy? I didn't, and I don't anymore. But it didn't happen over night. And Dude was still Dude the entire time - but he got a lot of what we laid the law down to - later - and THAT is what is important. It happened -maybe not at 11, or 12 - but he's 21 now and while he's not the image of a poster child for walking on water? I think he's at least out in the boat with a pair of skiis practicing...... Just a thought anyway. And as far as finding time for a therapist???? MAKE THE TIME......THERE IS NO ONE AND NOTHING AS IMPORTANT AS YOU AND THE WAY YOU PARENT YOUR CHILDREN, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. EVER. THAT IS A LIFE COMMITMENT. [/QUOTE]
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