Things continue to go south. . .

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Mar 14, 2014.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child has broken her ankle and lost her job. She has no money for food and will soon be homeless. She also had her car booted and could not pay the fee to have it removed so they impounded her car.

    difficult child is sounding pretty desperate and I think is shocked that we have not rushed to her rescue. She called from the hospital several times last weekend and we didn't return her calls. Then, on Monday, she had the urgent care facility she was at for her ankle call us for the copay. husband told them that she was over her out of pocket maximum so there should be no copay. The woman insisted that Humana said there was so husband told her that difficult child should call an ambulance and go back to the ER because we were not going to pay it. They then relented and said that they would treat her but that she had to sign a statement that said if there turned out to be a copay we would pay it. husband told her that she must have meant difficult child would pay it because we were not responsible for her bills.

    Of course, the only reason I could think that difficult child would be at an urgent care facility after being treated at the hospital for the broken ankle and being told to see a specialist was for pain medications. We were not about to pay for that.

    Then, yesterday, she changed her phone number to our area code so we would answer (we had her number blocked) and I answered. She very smugly said, "Hi mom" like she had beaten us somehow. I just hung up and blocked her new number. So she sent emails to husband at school with a new email address (we had been having her emails sent straight to a junk folder) to tell him that her car had been booted and she had given the company his number so he could pay them since she didn't have the $80. husband ignored the call from the company and the car has now been impounded.

    She sent husband a text from her new number saying that she was willing to go to rehab if we would just get her car back for her. husband texted back that it was great she was ready to go to rehab but if she was doing it in expectation of something in return, it was not going to happen. He wished her luck and told her to contact us after she was in an inpatient treatment center.

    I am struggling with how will she get there but I keep reminding myself that she knows people with cars or could take the bus. She is also claiming that she called the rehab that we know would take her insurance and they said they would not take her with a broken ankle. I don't believe that. Does anyone know if that could be true?

    Keep a good thought for us.

  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh, Kathy! Hoping this dead end makes her want a different life. Stay strong! !!!

    sent from mobile phone
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I don't know about a facility not accepting her with a broken ankle. I saw people with casts at my sons facilities. I guess it is up to each rehab facility. You could call and just ask.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We could call but we are trying to stay out of this. If she wants to really change, she will find a rehab herself. Otherwise, it will just be something she is doing because we "made her do it."
  5. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    It was sooo hard for me to stop myself from going back to fix these issues for difficult child. She has now been moved to the county where the warrant was issued and thank goodness no bond. She continues to ask if we will pay for a lawyer...NO get a court app one!! When I feel really down abt no car, $$, etc, I remind myself that she EASILY gets to ERs, pharm, etc when she needs it! She ran up $7100+ in ER bills when here, in her name, and I realize now we took her for a nonexistent illness. We thought she might have had a bad Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) or similar, but nothing found. Am more mad at us than her for falling for it, but mad at her for taking advantage of us, the ER, etc. She will NEVER pay that back as well as all bills in TX. difficult children....ugggh!

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  6. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    Oh...yep we realized the 90 day tx she cld have gone to last month was done for our benefit. From now on, she can call herself, make all arrangements herself. THEN, AND ONLY THEN, will I have a teeny bit of hope she really wants to change!

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  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    husband and I went to a Families Anonymous meeting last night. We liked it much better than the Al-Anon meetings we have tried. It was a group of parents just like us who truly understood what we were going through. We plan to go again next week.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It doesn't sound to me like she is serious about going to teatment. Kathy I think if she really wanted to go to treatment you would know that in what she said, the way she said it, in her voice and in her actions. And I think if she called you with that desire you would support it 100%. But your gut tells you that she is still trying to con you, she isn't taking responsibility for anything, she still wants you to rescue her. You know very well that any help you give her will just delay her getting help. She is very resourceful as shown in her getting around your blocks on her phone and email. She still thinks she can blackmail you.

    I don't see why the program will not take her with a broken ankle.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member


    I am thinking of you. As you know I know how hard this is. I am impressed with how strong and clear you are being.

    I have been hearing and reading a lot about how this is an illness (rather than a choice) and so the real goal I think is treatment....and some research says even if they go into treatment not totally wanting it, it can make a difference. Of course I think that is only really true for long term treatment. It feels to me my son is finally maybe turning things around and he has been there 5 months.... no way was he in that place after 30 days.

    But to me treatment does get them clean, and gives them a chance to think about their future with a clearer head than when they are in the middle of using.

    So I am all for your daughter going to rehab.... and if it were me I think I would do what I could to find her options... and possibly help her get there.

    However I think you are absolutely right this can not be a blackmail situaion.. I will go to treatment if you do this for me. So I agree you should not fix her car so she will go to treatment.

    I also agree she needs to make the calls (although I might help her get the numbers of reasonable places)

    If she gets herself accepted into a treatmet place then I personally would help her get there.... I dont think I would take the stand dont call me until you are in a place. But that is just me.

    I know she has done a lot of emotional blackmail and manipulation and it is important for her to learn that wont work....but I think if you can keep the doors open to your relationship somehow that is a good thing.

    I also totally think taking a stand where you will help her get into treatment but you are not doing private pay type treatment again makes a whole lot of sense.

    I think the fact she is mentioning rehab as a possiblity is a good sign... maybe she is getting desperate enough. The director at my sons program says there is no change without desperation!
    Ultimately this has to be her journey.


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  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tl, I have read the same literature and the interventionist that we used also said that only 15% of people in rehab go on their own volition. Some people do see that they need help once they get the drugs out of their systems even when forced into treatment. That was my hope and dream when difficult child went to the 3 month inpatient treatment center.

    However, I don't think that my difficult child ever really accepted the idea that she needed to live the rest of her life without drugs and alcohol. Once she left the treatment center she quickly sought out a doctor that would prescribe her xanax for her "severe anxiety disorder." I think that was the start of a slow downhill slide back to drugs and alcohol.

    We have always rescued her before and saved her from feeling the real impact of her addiction. This time we are willing to let her truly live with the consequences of her actions. I think that Nancy is right . . . my difficult child still thinks she is pulling the strings and we will end up doing what she wants us to do. She even asked husband when she realized that we weren't going to pay the fee to have the boot removed if he realized how much more it would cost him to get the car out of impound after a month.

    In her head, she still feels entitled to what we have and that we should fix the problems that she creates for herself and as long as we stay in contact, she sees that as a weakness to manipulate. For now, we need to keep a distance and let her figure this out on her own. She knows the names of rehabs that takes her insurance and they are just a phone call away. She even mentioned in one text that she will need detox first and she has already been to one in the area so she knows where to go.

    I do appreciate your input. I wish there was one right answer for all of us. It would make this so much easier. For now, I am going to follow the advice of my therapist and the Families Anonymous group. Every last one of the parents said things got better when they stopped enabling.
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, and I forgot the best one of all. She emailed her sister that she couldn't get used to the crutches so she was on six week bedrest which is why she couldn't work. easy child had no sympathy at all as she has been through two knee surgeries and still managed to go to school and work.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Kathy what you say makes total sense...I think it is sometimes so hard to find the balance between enabling and supporting. And that entitlement thing has got to go.... and in a way that is a first sign that they are getting desperate and ready I think.

    I definitely do not think you should enable her and only you know where that balance is.

    As you know I do get it.... we did let our difficult child live on the streets for 4 months in the middle of winter in Denver. I did not rescue him.... yes I bought him a sleeping bag but I did not bring him home, did not send him money did not do any of that. By the time he asked for the sleeping bag he was not actiing entitled and was very appreciative.

    And I also agree the only thing you really can do when they get manipulative and entitled is to distance yourself. They need to get that they really are on their own, their decisions about their life is their own and anything you do for them is a total gift.

    So your difficult child needs to find out what being on her own is really like.... it is not pretty or fun....and if she really is homeless that may help cure her of her least in the short term.

    I am hoping she gets desperate for help soon and then does what she needs to do.


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  13. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    You are doing so well staying strong! I just want to offer a ((((HUGE HUG))))))
  14. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I admire your courage and resilience.

    I go to Families Anonymous as well. I'm glad you found one near you. I'm glad you find their meetings so helpful as I do. Support, compassion, acceptance. It's all at Families Anonymous.
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    No answers......just more caring hugs. DDD
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Kathy....I have been thinking about you this weekend. I know how hard this is. I hope you are doing a lot of nice things for yourself,


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  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Now she is saying that she was raped and beaten black and blue. Is it true? Who knows? Is it possible? Certainly . . . drug addicts are not the highest caliber of people to hang around with.

    If it is true, you would think that would be even more incentive to going to rehab where she would be safe. I am numb at this point.
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    OMG Kathy, I'm so sorry.
  19. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh Kathy, I would tell you to let it go but I know that isn't practical. I am not sure how you can cope; but I hope you find a way. If it's any solace, I know your difficult child has a past history of histrionics and escalating behavior meant to grab your attention when you are detaching. I will hope and pray she is crying "wolf." Know that I care and will be thinking of you. Xo
  20. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    I so hope she is crying "wolf". In 2012 we got a text from difficult child's then husband saying she had been all beaten up, etc. Of course we panicked and flew her home. Not scratch on her. I think difficult child sent text. Again, I so hope it is a difficult child "story'. So cruel one way or the other, either to her or you for being put through that. Prayers!

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