Think I am going to have to buy another plane ticket

[PatriotsGirl]

It's getting really bad here. This house has been in constant turmoil for the past week. husband is saying he actually hates difficult child. Despises her. I honestly can't say I blame him. I am getting there, too. And he is talking about moving out because he can't see putting up with this for another year. She mentioned going back to my mom's house up north last night. I am thinking it may not be a bad idea for everyone for her to go back. She certainly isn't doing anything here. No job, no thoughts on college. My mother is perfectly happy having her around doing nothing, so why not? I could fly her up there next weekend for less than two hundred bucks...our house was sooo peaceful when she was up there, my mom was happy because she had some one around all the time, and difficult child was happy being a lazy bum. It is very far away....that is the only hesitation I have. But the hesitation is selfish, I guess. I long for that mother/daughter relationship that I know deep down we will never have.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

PG,

Good morning! I'm sorry that I don't remember all the details of your story....

Did she actually get her GED? I notice you mention that she was going for it in your signature.

You know, perhaps going to your mom's is what is needed for everyone. Is she your husband's bio daughter? I'm thinking not since he is talking about moving out if she doesn't.

I think you should let her go back to your moms. If you feel she will not endanger your mother with illegal activity or those she will find to "hang" with, it's a solution that might benefit everyone. You mother will have someone to ease her loneliness, your daughter will be somewhere with no expectations, and your home will be peaceful. Here's the deal - hopefully your daughter will get bored eventually doing nothing, 'cause I assume your mom will not have a bottomless pocket book and your difficult child will not be able to support any type of lifestyle without a financial flow. Perhaps she will get so bored that anything beats nothing.

As far as your relationship with your daughter, don't give up. I think right now it is not going to happen because she does not respect you and she is causing too much turmoil in your home for either of you to look at each other in a favorable light. But there are many moms here with grown difficult children who have surprised the heck out of them! There is always the chance of turning her life around. She is only 16, a baby really. You never know where the next 10 years will take her.

Sharon

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Apparently, flying her up north isn't the answer because husband doesn't want to spend anything on her including a plane ticket. I am so sick and tired of all of this - from him, too. He doesn't realize he is acting just as immature as she does?? Now he tells me to book him a camping trip this weekend so he can get away. Yet I am stuck with her here all weekend???? Yup, because she can't be trusted here. No, he isn't bio, but he legally adopted her when she was three. He has been here for 14 years and is more her father than anyone else on this planet. He has always been a hothead and she just sets him off. Lord knows I have been as frustrated as he is but I don't get to "run away"....

 

[Mattsmom277]

Legally adopted since 3 makes him her father, bio or not. And I get his frustration and he is acting a bit immature in his anger, making little sense in refusing to spend on her a total of $200 on a plane ticket. He's stuck in his anger and it happens, to alot of good people. He maybe needs a reality check and return to adult thinking, in the form of a bit of "come back to sanity moment" via a stern talking to from his wife . I'd gently but firmly remind him how much anohter year of her in the house is going to cost ($200 is nothing buddy). And how much his camping escape will cost (you know, his gas, food, beverages, etc, and of course when he returns relaxed from a weekend away he will understand completely that his wife deserves a break the next weekend and since you don't do camping in the woods, you require a nice hotel with ammenities, money for meals in restaurants 3 x's each day since you wont' have fire to cook on and of course money for entertainment given you don't have all those free nature activities to occupy you and relax you etc) HAHAHA!!
SOmething tells me that $200 for a plane ticket will sound good to him
I'd also remind him that moving out means destroying a marriage. Hello!! Not to mention finances beyond $200. Funding 2 homes, 2 lifestyles, and monthy child support for difficult child. Plus attorneys fees and splitting all savings and assets and pensions.
Reality check? Yup, probably a quick one . Then I'd give him a big smooching kiss and tell him no worries honey, I saved us all THAT drama and sillyness, and the plane ticket is already bought and paid for and here are the flight details.
Seriously, all sillyness aside, it sounds like grandma's is a good option right now. And I agree, many difficult child's grow up and a great relationship ensues with the parents who loved them enough to let them do their thing when they were going to anyhow. Better her happy and your mom happy than you and her and your husband completely miserable. It isn't what you'd probably thought life with your daughter would be with at this stage, but I think at this stage what works best for everyone is better than what is working for nobody, even if it means letting go of that image in a mothers mind about the bond we all want with our teen daughters. I'm betting it will help you all long term, surely more than in fighting in the house with everyone will, and certainly more than a divorce and family wide break down would.
PS. This post could also be printed out and left somewhere obvious, say the top of the toilet paper roll for when husband next needs some reading material and is trapped in one spot with no option to walk away. I mean, like cereal boxes, we all just gotta read whats in front of us sometimes
I really do wish your family the best. Sometimes the tough choices are the ones that work best. This sounds tough (((hugs)))

 

[PatriotsGirl]

When he wasn't home yesterday she and I were in one of our screaming matches and she actually said to me "that man is not my father, stop calling him dad. He is your husband". I cannot begin to tell you how angry that made me. This after so many tears shed by him over this girl. I can't stand her. Literally. I love her, but I severely dislike her.
I finally have him thinking about it now. He still hates spending money on it, but I told him things are getting much worse, not better. And it is not fair to the son we still have at home. He sits in his bedroom listening to all this and she soaks up every ounce of attention - albeit negative attention. I do not see her having anywhere to go when she turns 18 except for living in the street. She is not welcome to live in our home once she is 18. Nothing is changing. She spends all of her time sleeping. She does not go to school. She does not work. She is a lump of uselessness. She can't even clean her room after I have been on her forever to do so. I mean come on, you do nothing else in life, the least you can do is keep your bedroom clean!
Anyway, I am doing what I think is best and I think that is her moving in with her grandmother. Nana always needs some one to take care of and she loved having her there. difficult child was happy there because she could sleep all day and keep Nana company at night and not have to deal with us or our expectations.
So, I posed the question to my mom and no response, yet....got my fingers crossed, though! husband still not sure it is the right answer but what is??

 

[PatriotsGirl]

And my mother says she would love to have her! Looks like this may be the option. Only this time, I will not be flying her back. It will be make it or break it...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Ah, another update....hubby comes home from work early today and finds miss difficult child in her bedroom with a guy who had his shirt off!!!!!!!!! AND managed to break into my bedroom!!!!! Seriously???? WHAT goes through her head??? So, needless to say I bought the plane ticket for her to fly out on Tuesday and she texts me and tells me to sell the ticket, she has a place to move to. Apparently she does not realize that she still is a minor and has to live where I say she has to live...unbelievable! All I do know is that she is no longer welcome to live in my home. No way. No more. Stick a fork in me. I am done. I even called her PO and told her that difficult child was moving to my mother's house up north. She was not surprised. Well, I no longer feel sad about this. Now I am downright angry...

 

[susiestar]

Get her on the plane. NOTHING good can come of her staying there. It will destroy your marriage and family. If nothing else, have the PO violate her and keep her in juvie until Tues, releasing her into your custody just in time to go to the airport.

Surely breaking into your room is a parole violation, as is having the guy there. It will save a LOT of stress over the weekend, in my opinion.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

She no longer lives here and will never be allowed to live with me again.
Her and this man showed up at the house right after my husband and I left for work and before my son left for school - very short window there. They were here all day, had two pairs of sneakers hanging from the porch (of which I found out means drugs for sale), went through my home looking for things to take and took over twenty dollars in winning scratch tickets. They went through my son's room and a string on his guitar is broken. I.Am.Done. She claims to have a place to live with a couple that has a child a few towns over. She is a month away from being legally allowed to be on her own in my state anyway and I just want her gone. I have spoken to her probation officer and told her absolutely every detail. She does not blame me one iota. I told her I relinquish custody - what ever, but I am no longer responsible for her and what they choose to do with her was up to them. Miss difficult child has until Sunday evening to decide whether to use this plane ticket or not before I cancel and get my money back. We are changing the locks and she has until this weekend to remove her things or they are being packed up and sent to Goodwill.
Guess I will be moving over to the Emeritis area now...