Think of me this coming week

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Jan 21, 2016.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi all, I usually post in the SA forum but decided to try the PE one instead this time. So I am leaving tomorrow to go out and visit my son in another state. He is currently in a new sober living and a new IOP and from the little I know seems to be doing well. The thing is I have been through this so many times I don't have a lot of faith and I know that I really don't know what is really going on. The good news is he wants us to come and visit and wants to see us......but I have been burned and blown off so many times it is hard for me to be excited about visiting him although I think it is the right thing to do.

    So the state he is living is also where I grew up and so I know people out there and have made plans to see other friends and some cousins..... So at least a good trip isn't only dependent on him.

    I want to be positive and hopeful but am finding it a bit hard given the past. I have no evidence that he is not doing well or that he is using but I guess I am at a place where I no longer trust positive evidence either.

    So think of me this coming week....

  2. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Thoughts are with you, TL. I know how you feel. Once your hopes have been raised so.many.times - "This is it, they are finally over the hurdle" - only to have the bottom fall out AGAIN is draining. It drains the hope you want to have.

    I try to go into those situations, where you *think* or *are being told* things are going great, without positive OR negative expectations - just realistic ones. I go in with a guarded heart, so I don't get disappointed or upset if (when) things aren't what I've been lead to believe. I basically keep myself in "neutral" as far as emotions and expectations until I see what there is to see.

    I pray for the best and that, at least at this moment, things are what they seem and it is a positive visit.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Relapse is part of recovery. But it does mean that we can't just jump on the bandwagon when there is positive evidence. It takes time. Time to prove that the new path is holding, and time to rebuild trust.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Will be thinking of you TL, I am glad you will see friends and family too, that will be a good respite from the anxiety of seeing your son.
    I HOPE hope hope, that he gets it together this time around.
    All crossable body parts crossed on that one.
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Wishing you safe travels and a wonderful time visiting with family and friends.

    After what our d_cs put us through I don't think it's possible to not be cautious when it comes to them making "positive changes"
    I have told my son for years, words are only words unless you back them up with action.
    I think you are wise to go out with your eyes wide open and not have any grand expectations.

    I hope you will be pleasantly surprised in that your son is making some positive changes.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is my thinking for myself: I can have faith for myself. I can have confidence in somebody else, if they have earned it. Actually the only person in whom I have close to full confidence is M. In my whole life he is the only one. He has shown me this by his decisions with respect to himself and others, and us together. He has consistently chosen to be better and better. He has earned my confidence, but not faith. To me, faith is something personal in me.

    We can love our children and hope for the best. Which you do. With the full understanding and acceptance that you have no control. His destiny is his own, between himself and G-d. My way of thinking is that I should not get in the middle of that.

    Since I have been reading of your journey with your son, TL, I have always seen you as doing the right thing, coming from the place of hope and responsibility. I hope you do not doubt yourself. You are a wonderful mother, I think. That is all we can do.

  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Try to concentrate on present. You will visit him and you will hopefully be able to see him, talk with him and hug him. After you have done that, it is something that can't be changed again. You will have that memory despite anything happening the next day.

    While it is very hopeful sign that he really struggles to get better. That he doesn't like it when he relapses and that his relapses are coming shorter, there are no guarantees. He may give up the struggle. It is possible. It is also very possible that he will win the struggle and learn to do better and better. You never know. But right now he seems to be doing quite well and you will hopefully get to meet him, while he is doing well. That is valuable on itself.

    Life dopesn't give guarantees. Anything can happen. Also to our easy, doing well kids. What we do have is right now and memories we make. Not easy, I know, but try to embrace the good that you are facing now without giving too much thought to tomorrow.
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am happy for you and hopeful for your son. But for me I never go anywhere that may not be fun with hope in my heart. I go with more of a calm these days and acceptance of whatever happens. That takes the pressure off of the event. This technique has worked best for me, whether it is a meeting with somebody, a visit with somebody, or a job interview. I force myself to leave the high/low emotions at home, even if I have to do guided meditation before I go to calm down, and try to leave my expectations at the door when I leave. When I can do it, and I'm not always 100% successful, my experience is usually better than it would have been had I built it up or dreaded it.

    It is part of my quest to live in the present moment. You can't predict how this wll turn out for your son, but you can anticipate the visit with happiness at seeing him...without any positive OR negative expectations.

    I know this may sound loopy so take what MAY be worthwhile and leave the rest ;)
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  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all your thoughts and words of wisdom. It sure is nice to have a place to come and express this with people who truly understand what I am talking about!! I like the idea of just being neutral... No expectations either way just neutral.... And staying in the present. So those are my goals and we will see how it goes.
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  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thought I would give an update. We are still visiting him and overall it's been a good visit. We have done some fun things, he is seeing us and I see no signs at all of drinking or drug use. The sober house he is in sounds ok but not great. He really thinks the IOP is really good. We met with a therapist there yesterday and I have to agree. They seem very good. We all met with her and it sounds like my son really wants this and sonriety which is very good. She asked us what we wanted and in addition to life goals for my son I said I wanted a closer relationship with him. I feel like he has put up a wall between us and although it is better than it was he still keeps a distance there. He agreed and what came out is he wants that distance...he is not ready to change that! So I said that I will accept that I am not going to push him to be closer than he wants. My hope of course is that at some point he will be ready to have a closer relationship. I do think and hope this place will really help him work through some of his issues.