thinking of all the mom's without their difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Feb 10, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Just wanted to pop in. It seems strange not having anything to post about my difficult child.

    I just wanted to let the other mom's in my shoes know that you all are thought of and prayed for on a daily basis.

    It is peaceful here at home, yet there is a constant wonder of how my difficult child is.
    I am still hit with the question of did I try everything I could before I cut the cord?
    I always answer yes, but then I find myself wondering if all that was possible was done.

    I just wanted you all to know that I do get ALOT of strength from you all
    I may not always post but I do read your struggles with your difficult children and just knowing that other's are dealing with the same issues helps me alot

    And the struggles with the husband, I won't even go there this a.m. but let's just say we are at a point we have never been in 7 yrs of marriage.
    wondering how long we can tuff this out together.

    Again, thank you all for your insight and your caring thoughts.
    I don't know where I would be now without the help of you all
     
  2. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Hearthope, good morning!

    I read through your information to learn how old your difficult child was. If I read it correctly, your son is eighteen?

    He will be back, hearthope.

    I am not sure how others of us will respond, but we learned that the times when the difficult child has been
    forced to make a choice and, because of the chaotic nature of the situation, has found someone
    to take him or her in ~ that is when the difficult child leaves home and stays away.

    The time when he has truly hit the skids ~ that is when he will be back.

    Use this time to strengthen yourself and to reconnect to your husband hearthope, if you can.

    It helps me to make something about strength my mantra. There are so many things we don't have the energy for
    while we are mourning one of our children. And to me, it always seemed worse when the chaos was over for a
    little while and I could think about everything that had happened, and about where we all were in our lives and
    how different that was than anything we had hoped or planned for.

    We need to nurture ourselves as and when we can, hearthope, if we hope to survive intact.

    Grieve your son's absence this morning, but force yourself to walk away
    from it for a little while at some point today.

    Put on something pretty tonight.

    Even if you just stay home with husband, put on something pretty.

    I always give myself a bright pedicure when I feel my worst. Try it. You get to think
    about difficult child all you like while you are engaged in the grooming ritual? But once the nails are
    dry, it is time to move past that.

    Those pretty toenails always remind me that right now is not the time for grief.

    Grieving is what we do when our nails are wet.

    Sound foolish?

    It works, hearthope.

    If I am really angry? The polish is this deep, angry red.

    But every time I see my own toes? It reminds me that I AM angry, and that I need to take care of myself.

    Then, when I am happy, and the polish is bright, bright bright?

    I feel so lucky.

    I am sorry for your pain, hearthope.

    Barbara
     
  3. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    You DID do all you could. heck you love your child and would not let a stone unturned. It is your hcild's choice to be rebellious. given the chance, you would help in a nano-second and you know it. so does your child. so what now? you are in limbo, a time of renewal for you while your child learns fromthe school of hard knocks. hard to watch but be certain that your child will be back in the fold one day. you can still do two things and no one can stop you: PRAY for your child. LOVE your child. when ant's son was only two months old, he and the baby's mother took off for parts unknown. ant and she both went onthe run from warrants out for them for missed fines, missed court dates, DUIs. they disappeared for two months. It made me sick. I continued to pray for them and keep under God's wing. they went all the way to san francisco and back to Reno, We live in Pennsylvania!!

    they did come back...eventually. older and wiser and the baby made it too.

    God has a plan for your child. Ask God to watch over and do the parenting while you catch your breath. that is active waiting. HUGS and heartfelt been there done that and it hurts.
     
  4. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Hi Hearthope,

    I still have one difficult child at home but one difficult child out of the house. When we kicked her out of the house when she was 19, it was probably the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life. husband and I were at the point where we really didn't care if we ever saw Angela again if that was what it was going to take to make her hit rock bottom and turn around. Of course, I cried a lot the first month she was gone. But it got better. And she turned around. Not at first but within several years. And she is a success story.

    I'm thinking of all you moms this morning, too. :smile:

    Sue
     
  5. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Thinking of you, Hearthope

    Sending hugs & good thoughts

    Barbara? I really love your nail polishing metaphor!! I get so much out of the tangible examples, thanks for sharing :smile:

    Peace
     
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Don't second guess yourself....you did everything, above and beyond,truly! The only motivation some kids have to change is by being in a bad enough situation where they don't like the consequences. Maybe being homeless will be just the thing to motivate him. We can't live their lives for them, only show them the right way- I think I am gonna polish my nails hot pink today Barbara!(Do yours too Hearthope) Wishing you a peaceful day!
     
  7. Ally

    Ally New Member

    I agree with everyone else. You have done all you can, now its up to your difficult child to step up and help himself. Until this happens nothing is going to change. Our difficult children, unfortunately, have to do it on their own and learn the hard way. Nothing we do or say is going to change anything in their lives until they can come to the realization that we are not as stupid as they think.

    Take this time with your husband to rebuild your life together without all the stress and craziness that your difficult child brings to it.

    (((Hugs)))
     
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You definatley did everything you could, and then some. Don't even question that for a second.
    This isn't the end for you and difficult child, just the beginning of a different relationship someday. I remember that empty feeling when we first thew difficult child out and I thought we would never have a healthy relationship ever again. It took awhile, but it's healthier then ever because we took the steps we needed to stop enabling him and he learned and grew from it. Your difficult child will too someday. It takes some of them longer then others, sometimes much longer, but I think it will happen someday for you too.

    Hopefully you and husband can get through this also. difficult child put a lot of strain on a marriage and now maybe the two of you can concentrate on just that, the two of you!!
     
  9. judi

    judi Active Member

    I too worry (all the time) about my son. I love him very much. We have the baby often and he knows it, so I guess if he wants to see his son, he'll call me - who knows??? It is very hard. I go thru periods where I have a difficult time sleeping, but then I pray (a lot) and sometimes I get peace, sometimes not. I do worry (I think I said that). I too worry if I did enough or did I do the wrong things? WHo knows?
     
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I love the nail polish analogy. It actually made me giggle at 4am when I can't sleep.

    I have learned to enjoy the peace without J. In fact, I insist on it now. Connect with your husband and enjoy.

    Abbey
     
  11. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    You can add me to that list now. :frown:
     
  12. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you guys!
    I have been at easy child's v-ball tourneys all weekend.
    Barbara I wish I had made the time for my nails, maybe tomorrow.

    Well, I called his po at the last minute fri to see if my difficult child made his first payment. I only got her voicemail.
    I guess that is what started my chain of action of trying to locate him.
    No one I called has seen him, and I finally called his job sat. night, he stopped working there last week.


    I regret now making any calls at all because now I have this little "mom in panic" thing happening that I will not be able to stop until I hear his voice.

    I plan to call po in a.m. to see if he paid her, if he did I will let it go, if he didn't then they have a pick-up order for him to go to jail.

    Okay, been there done that's, this is not detachment is it? I should have never made any calls should I?

    How on earth do you just let them go with no reassurance that they are okay?
     
  13. judi

    judi Active Member

    hearthope - my answer is that I pray a lot. I truly have never been a very religious person but am now.
     
  14. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Judi I pray too.
    If I could do it like they say and leave it at the cross for God to bear, I guess I would be okay right now.
    I know the process, just can't work it with this one.
     
  15. judi

    judi Active Member

    I too am so very troubled by my relationship or lack thereof with my son. It hurts me very deeply, more than words can even express. I've been coming here for six years now and I truly thought that things would get better, but they haven't. Now he has a son! However, like you, I have hope. Because without hope, we are all lost. Take care...judi
     
  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    (((((((HUGS))))))) from one who understands your worries. -RM
     
  17. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    They train you to let go. they repeatedly do stuff til you are worn down and admit you have no control over them no matter how many phone calls you make. so you quit.
     
  18. Ally

    Ally New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">They train you to let go. they repeatedly do stuff til you are worn down and admit you have no control over them no matter how many phone calls you make. so you quit.</div></div>

    Unfortunately that is so very true.

    Ally
     
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