wakeupcall
Well-Known Member
If they only knew. All you can do is give them all the knowledge to make a decision on their own. At this age we have to give up all control....and pray.
This cant be happening... I need your support
- Thread starter saving grace
- Start date
saving grace
New Member
Good morning and thank you all for being here. My head is spinning, it latches on to a thought spins it around then another thought and then another each thought plays out a "what if" it never ends up good. There is not good choice here.
As far as I know, she has gone to the doctor with her mother this morning, My son just keeps saying I dont know I dont know, he said she didnt want him there, not sure of how much truth is there but thats what he says. He said she told her mother last night and they went to the doctor this morning.
Janet, I looked up so clinics online in the area that do this and they all pretty much had the same info, they say that the girl is counseled and informed about what she would be doing and an ultrasound is given to confirm the dates.
I was 17 years old when I had my son, yes of course there are times when I wish I had made other choices but those choices were to no have sex in the first place, to use protection to stay in school. I stepped up and raised my son the best I could. I couldnt imagine a life without him. Yes they are too young, yes this is a terrible thing that will change them forever.
I am speechless, I dont know what to say or how to support them because I dont know what I feel. I feel helpless is about all I have figured out.
I feel bad that she has to go through this, whatever choice she makes will no be easy, it will be painful and will scar this poor girl for the rest of her life.
Grace
As far as I know, she has gone to the doctor with her mother this morning, My son just keeps saying I dont know I dont know, he said she didnt want him there, not sure of how much truth is there but thats what he says. He said she told her mother last night and they went to the doctor this morning.
Janet, I looked up so clinics online in the area that do this and they all pretty much had the same info, they say that the girl is counseled and informed about what she would be doing and an ultrasound is given to confirm the dates.
I was 17 years old when I had my son, yes of course there are times when I wish I had made other choices but those choices were to no have sex in the first place, to use protection to stay in school. I stepped up and raised my son the best I could. I couldnt imagine a life without him. Yes they are too young, yes this is a terrible thing that will change them forever.
I am speechless, I dont know what to say or how to support them because I dont know what I feel. I feel helpless is about all I have figured out.
I feel bad that she has to go through this, whatever choice she makes will no be easy, it will be painful and will scar this poor girl for the rest of her life.
Grace
hearts and roses
Mind Reader
{{grace}}} I'm sorry that your family is going through such a difficult time.
I tend to agree with busywen and MWM. All you can do at this point is offer your support. Ultimately, it is up to the girl to make her decision, along with the support of your son and her mom. She has a future to think about and as you said, so does your son.
There is no reason why her choice to have an abortion needs to rest on her shoulders for the rest of her life. She can meditate and pray about her choices and come to terms with them, which no matter what she chooses, I'm sure she will come to terms with them. And then she will live with the knowledge that this has happened and this is how she dealt with it in the best way she knew how or in the only way she could handle it.
Abortion is not always just a way to make a pregnancy go away. For many, giving away their baby carries much more guilt and anguish than abortion, believe it or not. And this may seem like the only viable choice that the mother/father can actually live with. It will definitely change things between she and your son, that is for sure. But you have to respect her choice and simply stand in the sidelines and be supportive.
It's a difficult situation, that is for sure. Sending many gentle hugs your way~
I tend to agree with busywen and MWM. All you can do at this point is offer your support. Ultimately, it is up to the girl to make her decision, along with the support of your son and her mom. She has a future to think about and as you said, so does your son.
There is no reason why her choice to have an abortion needs to rest on her shoulders for the rest of her life. She can meditate and pray about her choices and come to terms with them, which no matter what she chooses, I'm sure she will come to terms with them. And then she will live with the knowledge that this has happened and this is how she dealt with it in the best way she knew how or in the only way she could handle it.
Abortion is not always just a way to make a pregnancy go away. For many, giving away their baby carries much more guilt and anguish than abortion, believe it or not. And this may seem like the only viable choice that the mother/father can actually live with. It will definitely change things between she and your son, that is for sure. But you have to respect her choice and simply stand in the sidelines and be supportive.
It's a difficult situation, that is for sure. Sending many gentle hugs your way~
muttmeister
Well-Known Member
I'm sorry to hear you are having to go through this. I know a little of what is involved. I had a baby when I was young that I gave up for adoption. My son's girlfriend had a baby while he was in juvie jail and when he got out she got preggers again and they got married and now have two beautiful kids but the parents are not doing well. No matter what choice they make, it will not be easy.
The thing is, they are both adults. You can give advice but I wouldn't be too adamant about the advice I gave as it could backfire. No matter what they decide, they are going to need some moral support, and if she should decide to go ahead and have this baby they will probably need some more tangible support besides. Like it or not, this is not your decision to make. Many times we stand by and watch our kids make decisions that we believe to be wrong, but there is not a whole lot we can do about it when they get to be legal adults.
I'm sending you hugs and prayers that you will get through this, whatever happens.
The thing is, they are both adults. You can give advice but I wouldn't be too adamant about the advice I gave as it could backfire. No matter what they decide, they are going to need some moral support, and if she should decide to go ahead and have this baby they will probably need some more tangible support besides. Like it or not, this is not your decision to make. Many times we stand by and watch our kids make decisions that we believe to be wrong, but there is not a whole lot we can do about it when they get to be legal adults.
I'm sending you hugs and prayers that you will get through this, whatever happens.
lovemysons
Well-Known Member
Thinking of you while your family goes through this difficult time. It is their decision to live with...as painful as it is.
with hugs and care,
Tammy
with hugs and care,
Tammy
tinamarie1
Member
Grace, I am so sorry you and kiddos are going through this. I cant imagine how your heart must be hurting right now. I am saying prayers tonight that everything works out and they do not have to chose abortion.
hugs
Tina
hugs
Tina
saving grace
New Member
one more question... My son and girlfriend are off to the doctor this morning, I tried and tried to make sure they were carefully considering all options. I asked him multiple times yesterday if I could speak with her mother, he doesnt want me to, he said I will upset them even more because he "knows what I am like" I dont want to add to her pain I think I know how to handle the conversation with tact, I just want to hear it from her that she and girlfriend have also thought it through and hear how she feels in this, maybe it is a way for me to feel a part of this.
They are gone today the mother did not go, Should I call her against my sons wishes? Do I have the right to speak with her and be a part of this even if it is to just share our pain?
Grace
They are gone today the mother did not go, Should I call her against my sons wishes? Do I have the right to speak with her and be a part of this even if it is to just share our pain?
Grace
KFld
New Member
I would not go against their wishes at this point. This has to be their decision. You know you couldn't make it for them. You offered what you could and they chose what they chose. Whether her mother can tell you that they have thought it through or not is not going to make a difference at this point. They are on their way to do what they have chosen. If she tells you they didn't think it through, that isn't going to make you feel any better.
Like someone else said, this is a let go and let god situation.
I know this is so so difficult and I feel somehow you are feeling responsible because you should be able to do something about it, but you can't. :frown:
Like someone else said, this is a let go and let god situation.
I know this is so so difficult and I feel somehow you are feeling responsible because you should be able to do something about it, but you can't. :frown:
Star*
call 911........call 911
Saving Grace,
IF I came on too strong or opinionated I am sorry. Sometimes my passion gets overloaded about a certain subject but I should remember this is not me, it's just what I would suggest to a friend who's hurting. (Point well taken Janet) my apologies.
That being said I wanted to let YOU know that while this is a hard situation it's not your situation. This belongs to your son and his girlfriend. Regarless of the decisions made, you are related to your son - not the girl. I guess if I were your next door neighbor and you asked me for my opinion I would advise you to pray, prepare, and support your son in supporting his girlfriend. Past that? I'd keep out of it.
You've made your offers and while as older people we know you only have everyones best interest at heart - all you can do is keep praying.
Lately it's been very VERY hard for me to sit in the house alone without the sounds of difficult child and I think...If I had a child now, or if I were to adopt a child now with all my wisdom and experience maybe MAYBE I could make things come out the way I had thought they would have with difficult child. The reality of that is I'm older, and deep down while I would love a do-over with my son or a child I'm not the same person I was when he was born. I was 24 then...Im 43 now. My brain would like that to work out - my body wouldn't recover from the hard work it is to parent a baby.
I hope things work out for you, and again I'm sorry if I got on the PRO band wagon. I'm not on either wagon - I quite prefer my own scooter.
Hugs for your day, and restful sleep to you.
Star
IF I came on too strong or opinionated I am sorry. Sometimes my passion gets overloaded about a certain subject but I should remember this is not me, it's just what I would suggest to a friend who's hurting. (Point well taken Janet) my apologies.
That being said I wanted to let YOU know that while this is a hard situation it's not your situation. This belongs to your son and his girlfriend. Regarless of the decisions made, you are related to your son - not the girl. I guess if I were your next door neighbor and you asked me for my opinion I would advise you to pray, prepare, and support your son in supporting his girlfriend. Past that? I'd keep out of it.
You've made your offers and while as older people we know you only have everyones best interest at heart - all you can do is keep praying.
Lately it's been very VERY hard for me to sit in the house alone without the sounds of difficult child and I think...If I had a child now, or if I were to adopt a child now with all my wisdom and experience maybe MAYBE I could make things come out the way I had thought they would have with difficult child. The reality of that is I'm older, and deep down while I would love a do-over with my son or a child I'm not the same person I was when he was born. I was 24 then...Im 43 now. My brain would like that to work out - my body wouldn't recover from the hard work it is to parent a baby.
I hope things work out for you, and again I'm sorry if I got on the PRO band wagon. I'm not on either wagon - I quite prefer my own scooter.
Hugs for your day, and restful sleep to you.
Star
saving grace
New Member
Loan.. no apology necessery. I have run the gammut of emotions these past few days, I have not found the strength to support at this point. I have disappointed my son and hurt him but I cant, I just cant right now. With every bone and nerve in my body I am against their decision. I dont know how I will look at them never mind speak to them. My son told me its her body and this is what she wants and he cant change that. I understand that I really do but I feel that at 16+ weeks her choice has been taken away from her. I just cant get past it, how she could do it. She is not the person I thought she was.
My son called me and asked if I would talk to her and I said No I said I needed time to process this. He is hurt and I am sorry but I cant make them feel better, I cant
Grace
My son called me and asked if I would talk to her and I said No I said I needed time to process this. He is hurt and I am sorry but I cant make them feel better, I cant
Grace
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
Grace
You have a right to your grief in this situation. You have a right to feel what you're feeling. The decision was not yours to make, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't touched your life, too.
Sometimes we don't realize how the decisions we make can also affect the lives of those around us.
((((hugs))))
You have a right to your grief in this situation. You have a right to feel what you're feeling. The decision was not yours to make, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't touched your life, too.
Sometimes we don't realize how the decisions we make can also affect the lives of those around us.
((((hugs))))
Marguerite
Active Member
Grace, I am concerned for you - I know this would be hard for any of us, but this is hitting you TOO hard. I think you need to sit down and sort out where your own feelings are in this, and try to not confuse your feelings with THIS situation.
YOU had your baby at 17. YOU stepped up to the plate and raised him. And with hindsight especially, you are glad you did this because of the later fertility problems you had. Now the thought of this pregnancy being terminated terrifies you, because in your mind this could be your only grandchild - you can't separate this girl's situation from your own experience.
This girl is not you. She is not in your situation - she is a different person, with different fertility. Medical science has moved on, whatever caused your later problems may well be easily preventable/manageable now.
Basically, stop projecting.
That said, I do sympathise. I also share your concerns - a 16 week pregnancy (assuming she has the dates right) is no simple thing to terminate - she will have to endure labour. The child will have to be born. All that can be done at 16 weeks, is an early induction. And the dates will need to be confirmed first, in order to make sure the appropriate abortion method is chosen. Plus, she will be counselled.
I do think the initial, "I'll have to have an abortion" reaction is, "I want this to go away without ever having to 'fess up to my parents about it." And yes, there is also a component of, "I couldn't give away this baby."
But this is a knee-jerk reaction, if enough time is taken to just THINK, the decision may change.
But you shouldn't refuse to talk to the girl - you missed a great opportunity to tell HER, "Let your mother know I'm there for her." This is mostly about this girl and your son. While part of this is also about you and the girl's mother too, the parents of this baby and the baby also, are the main issue here. Keep it in perspective. If your feelings continue to rage out of control like this, recognise that this has dug up a lot of rubbing from the past and spread it around in y our head, get to a counsellor and sort it out while it's all fresh and on the surface. If you let that rubbish scatter and bury itself again, you miss a heaven-sent opportunity for your own healing.
And by getting help, you equip yourself to better help this young couple. And if you're there to help them - it could change their decision. You certainly can't change their decision the way you are now.
We've had a couple of pregnancy scares recently. Each time, husband & I had to think, "How would we manage? How will our daughter manage?" with each possible decision.
I was brought up to consider abortion to be wrong. Then I had my own pregnancy scare and had to re-think. When I was pregnant with difficult child 3 my mother told me I should consider a termination - I really wasn't strong enough, she felt. She said she would have used the opportunity if it had been available to her - and I then reminded her that the aborted baby would have been me - did she really mean that?
It's a very emotional topic.
When easy child was a toddler in child care, the director of the centre was a middle-aged lady with no babies of her own, even though she and her husband had tried for years. Then she fell pregnant - there was so much joy! Because she was over 40, she had amniocentesis and found her baby had severe spina bifida. She elected to have a termination at 26 weeks. To go ahead and have the baby, who probably would not survive, would use up most of what little time was left on her biological clock. It was a sad, hard decision and the termination was traumatic. She had to let go of the only pregnancy she had ever had.
She lost the next baby - cervix weakened by the too-advanced termination.
The next pregnancy went to term and she had a beautiful little girl, but the strain of it all was too much for the marriage. Both parents worked as a team to raise their daughter, though.
Her termination was tragic, but it did eventually make her daughter possible.
Termination is a complex, distressing issue and we can't judge other people for having to make such a difficult decision. For the rest of their lives they have to live with the consequences of whatever decision they make. In order to make this decision wisely, and independently - they need you in one piece, holding yourself together and supporting them. So get yourself together - after all this time you ow it to yourself. These kids have given you this chance.
Marg
YOU had your baby at 17. YOU stepped up to the plate and raised him. And with hindsight especially, you are glad you did this because of the later fertility problems you had. Now the thought of this pregnancy being terminated terrifies you, because in your mind this could be your only grandchild - you can't separate this girl's situation from your own experience.
This girl is not you. She is not in your situation - she is a different person, with different fertility. Medical science has moved on, whatever caused your later problems may well be easily preventable/manageable now.
Basically, stop projecting.
That said, I do sympathise. I also share your concerns - a 16 week pregnancy (assuming she has the dates right) is no simple thing to terminate - she will have to endure labour. The child will have to be born. All that can be done at 16 weeks, is an early induction. And the dates will need to be confirmed first, in order to make sure the appropriate abortion method is chosen. Plus, she will be counselled.
I do think the initial, "I'll have to have an abortion" reaction is, "I want this to go away without ever having to 'fess up to my parents about it." And yes, there is also a component of, "I couldn't give away this baby."
But this is a knee-jerk reaction, if enough time is taken to just THINK, the decision may change.
But you shouldn't refuse to talk to the girl - you missed a great opportunity to tell HER, "Let your mother know I'm there for her." This is mostly about this girl and your son. While part of this is also about you and the girl's mother too, the parents of this baby and the baby also, are the main issue here. Keep it in perspective. If your feelings continue to rage out of control like this, recognise that this has dug up a lot of rubbing from the past and spread it around in y our head, get to a counsellor and sort it out while it's all fresh and on the surface. If you let that rubbish scatter and bury itself again, you miss a heaven-sent opportunity for your own healing.
And by getting help, you equip yourself to better help this young couple. And if you're there to help them - it could change their decision. You certainly can't change their decision the way you are now.
We've had a couple of pregnancy scares recently. Each time, husband & I had to think, "How would we manage? How will our daughter manage?" with each possible decision.
I was brought up to consider abortion to be wrong. Then I had my own pregnancy scare and had to re-think. When I was pregnant with difficult child 3 my mother told me I should consider a termination - I really wasn't strong enough, she felt. She said she would have used the opportunity if it had been available to her - and I then reminded her that the aborted baby would have been me - did she really mean that?
It's a very emotional topic.
When easy child was a toddler in child care, the director of the centre was a middle-aged lady with no babies of her own, even though she and her husband had tried for years. Then she fell pregnant - there was so much joy! Because she was over 40, she had amniocentesis and found her baby had severe spina bifida. She elected to have a termination at 26 weeks. To go ahead and have the baby, who probably would not survive, would use up most of what little time was left on her biological clock. It was a sad, hard decision and the termination was traumatic. She had to let go of the only pregnancy she had ever had.
She lost the next baby - cervix weakened by the too-advanced termination.
The next pregnancy went to term and she had a beautiful little girl, but the strain of it all was too much for the marriage. Both parents worked as a team to raise their daughter, though.
Her termination was tragic, but it did eventually make her daughter possible.
Termination is a complex, distressing issue and we can't judge other people for having to make such a difficult decision. For the rest of their lives they have to live with the consequences of whatever decision they make. In order to make this decision wisely, and independently - they need you in one piece, holding yourself together and supporting them. So get yourself together - after all this time you ow it to yourself. These kids have given you this chance.
Marg
SRL
Active Member
Grace, I am truly, truly sorry for what you are going through.
Could I just remind everyone posting to this thread that Grace is entitled to whatever feelings, opinions, and thoughts she has in this tough situation. This is an issue that invokes strong feelings based on experiences and personal value systems--let's give her our unwavering support without judgment and without suggesting to her how she ought to be viewing this heartache in her life.
Could I just remind everyone posting to this thread that Grace is entitled to whatever feelings, opinions, and thoughts she has in this tough situation. This is an issue that invokes strong feelings based on experiences and personal value systems--let's give her our unwavering support without judgment and without suggesting to her how she ought to be viewing this heartache in her life.
