This cant be happening... I need your support

Fran

Former desparate mom
I'm sorry for the disappointment.
What a horrid situation.
You have every right to your feelings but take a breath and think things through.
Your son has got to step up and his girlfriend has to step up. They have to make a decision they can live with. In the end the mother will have the final say.
You, had your turn to make that choice and don't get a vote this time. It's tough to see that when they are 18 and a difficult child.
Your son may or may not be in this girl's life in the future. Your son will move on and get a life.
I doubt this girl will ever forget this catastrophe that they brought on themselves by not starting because a month earlier.
This isn't yours. The families are collateral damage. Try to put the focus on something besides your shock and disappointment.
When they say it's "my life" they don't see all of us as collateral damage and how we hurt for the choices they make over and over.

I don't see your son pitching in if you chose to raise the baby. I don't see it much with an 18 yr old easy child let alone a difficult child. It's a big step for you. In the end it will be the mother who will decide but it sure hurts so many. Make your offers known directly to the girlfriend. She should hear your offer of adoption from your lips if that is the way you want to go.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
HUGS!

Do not figure this is easy on her at all. I am sure she is devastated and in her own fog at this point. Perhaps numb. You said your opinion of her has changed, but this does not feel fair to me. I think this is incredibly difficult for her as well as it is for you. Just because you may come to different conclusions on the solution to the problem, does not mean you both are not in equal amounts of pain.
 

saving grace

New Member
Marg... In earlier posts I mentioned that I had many different thoughts and feelings going through my head, I had all the thoughts you refer to, Was I projecting? yes I was Was I inserting my own feelings of infertility in this situation? yes I was. After the few days that I had to toss around all those feelings I ended up where I was last night when I posted. The decision is abortion, 2nd trimester abortion and in my unbiased opinion its wrong. She is too far along to abort a healthy baby. If they took the test a week or 2 later there would be no decision, she would have to carry. I recognize that I need time, I undertand this is her life and her choice but I cant, right now get past my disappointment in her and my son, more so her because my son told me he would step up but she didnt want to and that it was her body and her choice. I get that, I really do.

They are there today, right now, as week speak. I am sick, I knew if I talked to her last night I would have made it worse for her, I didnt want to do that to her, I called the Mom, she didnt return my call, I mentioned to my son that I called and he said she was working and that she would probably return my call when she got hom, he was mad I called.

I think what my son wanted was for me to talk to her and make her feel better, they want me to say I'm not mad and that it's ok. I cant say that. I cant make it better for them, they chose it they have to feel it.

I did tell my son that this will haunt them and that I didnt feel that their relationship would survive this.

Pray for them, pray for this baby. Pray I can find forgivness.

Thank you Thank you all so much for this, your words are keeping me grounded, they are very powerful and I appreciate every single one

Grace
 

KFld

New Member
It is so sad because they are really both children themselves, making such an adult decision. I know your difficult child is 21, but being a true difficult child, he's not capable of acting like one.

These are decisions that may or may not haunt them for the rest of their lives. If they truley feel they are doing the right thing, then they will be able to get past this at some point in there lives. I'm not saying it's something they will ever forget, but they can learn to live with it.

I know your heart is hurting and this is not what you would have chosen, but I hope one day you can look at both of them, especially your son, and come to some kind of terms with all of this.

You are so entitled to everything you are feeling. Every thought, every feeling, you own them and they are yours. Nobody can take that away from you. Your difficult child and his girlfriend are also entitled to their every thought and feeling also, and hopefully someday you can all come to terms with this, together.

Here is a huge ((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))).

Hope it makes your day a little easier.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Grace, Im very sorry for what you are feeling. I am sure in your place I would be upset too.

I am praying for strength for everyone.
 

saving grace

New Member
I am not doing well. Its done. Yesterday. I feel like I am in mourning, I have asked my son to stay at girlfriend's for a few days I need some time and I dont want to hurt him anymore and until the urge to slap him across the face has passed I dont want to see him.

I know this is not his fault, it is her body and essentially he is in the middle but it doesnt change my disappointment in him. He has known my beliefs his whole life and he should have been more careful if he wanted to be intimate like a grown up then he should be ready to accept the consequences.

Thank you all so much, coming here and being among friends these past few days has really kept me going. As usual

Love you All
Grace
 

KFld

New Member
You deserve the time and space to heal.

Hopefully they will both have learned a very important lesson from all of this.
 

SRL

Active Member
Prayers and hugs to you in this time of heartache, Grace. Take the time and space you need to deal with this loss.

SRL
 

scent of cedar

New Member
Oh, Grace, I am so sorry. I could not think what to say when you posted about it and was afraid to look at it again in case they went through with it.

Then I took a peek today and saw that.

Oh, Grace!

Barbara

:crying:
 

saving grace

New Member
I know how you feel Barbara, I have been avoiding the PE forum as there is poster Mrsmcnear posting lovely pictures of her brand new grandson Lincoln. I cant bear to see them, I know that sounds awful because I love baby pictures, I love the joy they bring but not this week, I just come to tears just thinking of what has happened.

I feel a bit better, havent seen my son really he stopped in to get his medications and left, I never looked at him. I thinking knowing that its done and knowing that there isnt anything that can be done I am moving past it a bit, was teary a few times today but not as bas as the past few days.

Grace
 

tinamarie1

Member
Grace, I am so sorry to hear that they did go through with it. Don't ever feel bad for grieving the loss though. It is something you will have to go through. They will have their own demons to battle with this decision. I can't fathom that anyone could make that decision and just go on with life and never think about what they have done and hurt tremendously.
Hugs and prayers going out to you and them tonight.
Tina
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Oh Grace, I am so sorry. I hope it won't haunt them too much - it is such an awful decision to have to make and really, young people so often DON'T think about the consequences when they have sex. "It will never happen to me".

One of my sisters had a termination - she was married, already had three kids and was over 40 - I wouldn't have made that decision (I couldn't) but she is still comfortable with it - absolutely no regrets. She is not me.

Take your time, but remember - your son will be grieving too. Let him grieve with you, even though it was his lack of foresight and precaution that led to this - not only is he a typical young person in lack of foresight, he's also a difficult child. Try to not let your imagination take too much control over you. He needs your support right now and so does his girlfriend - giving that support does not mean you have to agree they did the right thing. It WAS her decision even if you or I would not agree with it. And even though she made the decision to have the termination, I suspect it was not an easy decision and she is going to also need time to make peace with herself over this.

We do not have to agree with our kids' life choices - both my daughters have been sleeping with their boyfriends, easy child has been in an official de facto relationship with hers for the last few years. easy child 2/difficult child 2's has moved into our house. husband & I have our own moral guidelines we tried to raise them by, but they are old enough to make their own decisions - legally, and frankly, they are beyond our influence socially. They make their own decisions. All we can do is hope we did the best we could have done and gave them enough moral backbone to make safe and wise decisions from here on. We can't do any more than that.

And to reject our girls now would be to remove them from our influence even further.

So while we do not agree with their decisions, we respect their right to make them and accept the outcomes. Can you see the distinction?

If you can stay on supportive, loving terms with both of them you stand the best chance of being an active grandparent to the children they WILL have, eventually. If not with this girl, then with another of his choice.

When you can get your own feelings, grief and pain back under control, do try to reach out to them both just in comfort. No lessons, no recriminations - because they will need some loving too.

I do agree that you can't give your blessing to something you disapprove of, but you can still give loving hugs to someone who is grieving, even under these circumstances. It doesn't mean you are happy - but it's done now.

Hugs from down under.

Marg
 

Coookie

Active Member
Sweet Grace,

No words of wisdom here just many gentle understanding hugs and many prayers being said. :crying:
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Grace, I understand your mourning. It is a huge sense of loss for you.
Good idea to have your son stay with-his girlfriend ... for the reasons you state, if nothing else!
No one knows how it will all end up. I wish them both the best.
I know she will appreciate his support more in the future. She will meet people who have been through the same thing and the guys bailed (both reg. abortion and carrying to term).
If this doesn't catapult them into adulthood, nothing will.

Keep breathing. {hugs}
 
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