This is a new one for me, any ideas?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by aeroeng, Apr 13, 2009.

  1. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    Thursday difficult child had a blow up and is still mad at husband. Although he has gotten over being mad at me and has decided not to give up his harp, flute and school after all. When he is recovering from a blow up he is frequently mean to difficult child in training. So we kept difficult child in training at a friend's house until Sunday when we all went to my sisters for Easter.

    difficult child actually behaved very well, and for most of the day we had a good time. They were all playing foot ball. My dad said difficult child kept trying to change the rules which was annoying but not real bad. difficult child in training became angry and picked up his 5 yr old cousin and flung him down in an attempt to hurt him. (difficult child in training is 10). I made him go sit in the van and think about his behavior. He became angry and took off all his clothing, every stitch. I walked away so as not to give him attention for that one, but his cousins all thought it funny. After a while he put his cloths back on.

    easy child worked with him, trying to talk with him and offered the use of his PSP. Which kept him calm for the drive home. Once home he ran away. I told easy child to let him go as he would come back soon, and he did. Once home he announced that he was going to live in the van. I gave him is pillow and walked away. easy child went out and tried talking with him again, which helped. husband came home and took easy child and difficult child in training away. He told me this morning that both are doing well.

    Today I plan on leaving work an hr early so that I can spend some one-on-one time with difficult child in training. I am still not sure what set him off, and don't want him to carry it to school. I am also not sure about the stripping thing? Has anyone experienced this with a 10 year old? I have seen it with 2 year olds, but none this old? Is that something I should worry about, or something to ignore?

  2. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Oh dear! :)

    I don't have any advice to offer as to your main questions, but as an ex-easy child, I wondered whether your easy child may be a little too involved. Every time difficult child-IT had a "moment", you say that easy child was out there trying to help....or that you had to tell easy child "he'll be back" when difficult child-IT ran away. I am totally not saying this in any judging kind of way, but how/when did your easy child end up in the role of peacemaker for the family? Or is this just a one-off sort of situation, and this is unusual behavior for easy child, too?

    Again, I was the easy child in my family, and I played that role quite a bit. It's not healthy for a easy child, if it's a regular thing, in my opinion. He's not the parent, he shouldn't be out there every time, comforting and convincing and supporting, etc - helping, yes, but it sounds like he's made himself the go-to guy for this sort of thing, which seems a bit much. Again, this is just my opinion, and I don't know .0000001% of the details of your situation. :)
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion difficult child-in-training should be completely evaluated by a neuropsychologist. in my opinion it sounds like more going on than ADD. No, I don't think it's the norm for a ten year old to strip. Most kids that age are getting embarassed about their bodies and know better. Alone, I wouldn't pay too much attention to it unless he does it again, but with him throwing down the five year old (a kid much younger than him) I would be wanting more answers than I'm getting. The running away is also an issue. These behaviors in my opinion should be re-evaluated. JMO.
    I hope things get better for all of you.
  4. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    eekysign: How/when did your easy child end up in the role of peacemaker for the family? Or is this just a one-off sort of situation, and this is unusual behavior for easy child, too?

    easy child is the most mature and calm child and always has been. When he was 5 several different people independently referred to him as an "old sole" - a child with an unusually mature approach and wisdom. He has always cared for all people, and has always gone out of his way to help people. He is a pacifist in every way. In middle school more then once other kids would just punch him. I believe this was because he is the tallest kid in the school, and does not hit back. He does not believe in hitting back. I believe the other kids felt, "if I can take down the biggest kid then I must be tough", and easy child was a safe target because he never hit back. This is why easy child is now in a private Catholic school.

    He is not always the peacemaker. When it comes to difficult child his main approach is to go someplace different. But difficult child in training is different. easy child really wants to help him. easy child also seems to be able withstand more abuse without internalizing it. difficult child insults all of us. This damages difficult child in training's self image, but easy child just does not pay attention to it.

    But yes your concerns are real ones. Any advice on what I can do about it? What do you wish your parents had done?

    Midwest Mom: How do I find someone that can do a neuropsychologist evaluation?
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Now that he's back to normal - why not say "You know, I have a question....the other day when you were sent to the van for hurting your cousin - you took off ALL your clothes - remember? Why did you do that?"

    THen just wait - for an answer -

    Maybe he was just not comfortable in the skin he was in and the clothes he was in had sensitivity issues.....but I'd ask him first instead of trying to figure it out. But definitely get a neuropsychologist evaluation. Most mental health offices can give you a referral.
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I live near you in Maryland. PM me if you want names of neuropsychs in this area.
  7. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Agh, I dunno. I think the answer to that may not necessarily help in your situation. I feel like it depends a lot on family dynamic. The times I voluntarily played peacemaker were ALL because I either:
    A) felt my parents weren't handling it (too burned out) or
    B) felt like I needed to "take some of the burden off them"

    Either way, it wasn't a position I should have been in as a sibling. If my Mom had responded to Sis declaring she would go live in the van by handing her a pillow, I would have been out there, too, trying to "save" the family. Maybe your easy child needs clearer explanations of what your actions are trying to accomplish? Because if you rationally decided to call difficult child-ITs bluff by handing him the pillow, then easy child was undermining your call on the situation by going out there with him and giving him attention. And if you gave him the pillow because you were just frustrated and didn't want to deal with it, then easy child was taking ON your role because you had given it up.

    It sounds like easy child needs to know deep-down that he shouldn't interfere with your handling of difficult child-IT, and that he doesn't need to try to "save" his little brother. He needs to know that you have it ALL under control, and that his actions aren't necessary---all he needs to do is love his little brother. It's nice that he's a 15 year-old "old soul" (I was one, too, but that's because I'd already been turned into an ultimate easy child by my OLDER difficult child stepbros), but maybe he needs to be just a kid when it comes to dealing with the difficult child-IT. I think that's what I wish my parents had done more clearly.
  8. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    I handed him the pillow because I wanted him to have a chance to calm down. (difficult child-IT had requested it). He was ruffled with me, and I felt my presents there would encourage it to accelerate. I was hoping he would lie on the pillow and think, then come back in when he was ready. easy child talking with him did help him to calm down.

    As far as easy child knowing we have it under control. One of the problems of having a highly intelligent child is that he has an opinion of his own. It is not because he thinks we are burnt out, but because he has ideas of his own. We do try to give CP his own time, and keep him away from the explosions as much as possible.
  9. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Yup, like I said -wouldn't necessarily work for every family dynamic. Sounds like your family is very comfortable with your easy child partially co-parenting. In that situation, my concerns aren't really valid, y'know? :)
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you handled it pretty well, and stayed calm when he ran away, and when he went to the van.
    I would definitely have a more thorough exam done. I agree with-others on that.
    My easy child co-parented for a while, and then she got so fed up, she moved out. She will be moving back in soon and we are changing the rules. We have learned a lot over the last few mo's, and I want her to be able to have a good Sr. yr in HS.
    Maybe your easy child will want to major in education like she is! (She wants to major in art education and she loves kids, despite the issues with-her brother.)
  11. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    Thanks - Terry

    easy child loves kids. Always has. He wanted me to have 10 babies. But he wants to major in computer engineering.