This is difficult to post....I went to pick up difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I can't even begin to explain why, but all I can say is it happened.

    I was weak, and I gave myself the excuse that this would be my last time. I told him to make certain he was ready to change because this was the last chance he had with me.

    We went back and forth on the phone, my mom and him went back and forth on the phone, finally i gave in and went to pick him up.

    I was exhausted and had to be up at four, so we haven't made a contract, just the understanding that this was it and you have to help yourself.

    In a very strange twist of fate, his former boss stopped at our house yesterday to see where we had found our hay (shortage here this year)He asked about difficult child and told husband he was a good worker.

    Tonight husband told difficult child that he had stopped by, difficult child called him and he is going to pickup difficult child in the morning to work ~ this is a godsend, we live in a rural town and you have to have a vehicle to get around, we didn't know how difficult child was going to get to a job.

    I have my full armour on, I am expecting nothing, but if he has to leave again I believe I will be able to sleep at night knowing I did do all I could do.

    We had a talk when I got in tonight, it has all been said before but I just compared the people that he had been around and how they had nothing and how they all blamed someone else for their grief and I told him to look at us, we getup and work everyday to be able to live the way we want to.

    And Barbara ~ I told him he was not raised to live that way!!!!! hopefully he will get it!!!!
     
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    HH---looks like we have the same situation. My 18 is also my difficult child. We had done everything we could for him. Finally, I gave up. It took about a year, but he finally hit bottom and asked to come home and get some help. We agreed on the help. He is currently living in a half-way house about 2 1/2 hours from home. He visited this weekend and it was nice to see who he is becoming because we refused to enable him anymore. He has made the changes. He has chosen to do better. We quit making demands and asking him to change.

    Like you my easy child is a blessing. She is still a teen, but she is a great person.

    It's so hard when they are so close in age and so entirely different. difficult child used to hate easy child. This past weekend they became friends. She fixed him up with a friend, and husband overheard her bragging to her boss about what a gentleman her brother had been. He has told her how proud he is of her for the way she has chosen to live her life and the things she has accomplished. He realizes now, for the first time, that the same things we taught her that have helped her succeed, we taught him. He just chose not to apply them to his life.

    Hopefully, your difficult child is ready to change. If not, please don't enable him.
     
  3. judi

    judi Active Member

    The one thing I truly regret for my difficult child is the loss of his relationship with his brother (easy child). Even though my older son (easy child) didn't agree with his brother's choices, he loved him much. Last week when we were moving easy child and his wife to their new home, easy child made a big point to take the "welcome" sign that difficult child had made for him out of barbed wire! I almost cried! I do not detach well. We all have things that we can and can't do. We have to be kind to ourselves too.

    My son is not in contact with us by his choice - he knows our numbers and has friends with cell phones. I doubt he will change though until he hits bottom. We'll see.
     
  4. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Katmom looking at your signature I wonder if easy child is old and wise beyond her yrs because of the closeness in age to difficult child? I feel that same way about my easy child.
    I have always been honest with her about difficult child, we can talk about what is happening and she can see things just as I do, makes me wonder ~ is he that far off track or is she just that far ahead?
    I won't be an enabler, I guess I had to know I gave it my all, when I made him leave before it was in a heated arguement, I was hurt and disrepected and he had just left court and was angry and scared. Looking back I wish I had walked away and let us both calm down but I made him leave.
    I can't say that I think he has changed, he has shared with me that he was hungry and cold and he never wanted to be in that situation again. I simply said, you have this last chance here, I hope you remember how it felt and you make the best of this.

    I am going in expecting nothing, just live one day at a time and hope we all survive this
     
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Judi~it has been very hard on my easy child, she was always very close to her brother.
    Everyone called them twins and he started acting out and she took the role of peacemaker. Torn between him and us.

    She still loves him but is wise in the fact that she can no longer "hang out" with him or his friends.

    I am very proud of her for standing her ground, it would have been much easier to go along with him.

    Thank you for sharing about your sons.
    I had to smile about the barbed wire sign, my easy child has the ugliest fuzzy hat that difficult child won at the fair yrs ago for her, it always has a special spot in her room.
     
  6. Jen

    Jen New Member

    That is all you can do is live one day at a time.

    I could never imagine my parents having to do that. They had such a good life, and still are. Guess I am spoiled in that way, and why I am not dealing with alot of what you are trying to deal with too, except now it hits home closer into my easy child daughter.

    Jen
     
  7. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    HH---I am going through a similar time myself. We have opened our door to difficult child due to an abusive situation she is in. At this point, we're not sure if she'll be moving home or not, but the thought of it is stressing us out! If she does end up coming home, we will need to sit down and spell out our expectations. All I know is that I simply cannot go through another failed attempt to live together. We will have to spell out goals and projected timelines...ultimate goal being that she will live independently!

    I kicked her out after a heated argument, too (but she was forewarned). I think the guilty mom part of me wants a chance to try it again, to get it "right" this time.

    I'm so glad the former boss is offering him some work and transportation...definitely a godsend!
     
  8. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style="color: #660000">we do what we have to do....what we feel we must.

    please be sure you do what you have to to protect yourself & your family at this point. be clear on the rules ~~~ i wouldn't overload him with-rules either ~~~ & be VERY clear on the consequencs if he does not comply.

    i think we always have to fight the urge to rescue them *one last time*. you job is now to fight that impulse.

    i certainly hope one of the top rules is that he contact his PO & get a plan in place with-her. must work & curfew would be my other two top rules.....and respect to all.

    kris </span>
     
  9. TYLERFAN

    TYLERFAN New Member

    You did what you had to at the time....it's O.K.!
    I am glad he will be able to get to a job. That is definately a step in the right direction!
    It's like what I tell my difficult child. "When you are doing what you are supposed to, I will help you". If she stops doing what she is supposed to, I will withdraw all help! I've told her and she believes this, as I have done it. This is the only way I can live peacefully and it is better for difficult child also.
    Of course, it is harder when your difficult child lives at home, significantly harder, I think. You are on the right track. If he messes up again, you will know you did all you could.
    Sending Hugs and Prayers!

    Blessings,
    Melissa
     
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Hopefully his few days out of the house was enough of a wake up call for him to realize what he needs to do for himself. Glad he's going to work today.
     
  11. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    sometimes being cold and hungry IS the wakeup call. God be with you and your son as you go thru this time of trial.
     
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sending good thoughts, HH. I hope he rises to the occasion.

    Suz
     
  13. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    I have my full armour on, I am expecting nothing, but if he has to leave again I believe I will be able to sleep at night knowing I did do all I could do.

    </div></div>

    Hearthope, you did great. When the kids are determined to follow these kinds of self destructive paths, knowing we have done all we could to stop them IS success.

    The rest is up to your son.

    It doesn't matter whether you have him home a thousand times, hearthope. What matters is that you recognize when being home again is working to help him find his way ~ and that you can see clearly too when living at home again is not helping him to do that.

    That is part of why this is so hard. We can steel ourselves never to have anything more to do with them ~ but when they are there in front of us and they need help, we help them.

    And that is a good thing.

    We just have to be as clear with ourselves as we can be about whether what we are doing is helping the child, or making it easier for him to self destruct.

    I am glad you told him about having been raised better than to do what he is doing.

    I think that really does help them to find their way back.

    Wishing you and your family well, hearthope.

    Barbara
     
  14. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    hearthope, you are the only one who can decide on your circumstances and I don't view you as weak. One of the strongest things you will do is live with your difficult child and try to guide him in a positive direction. Thinking of you and your family.....
     
  15. judi

    judi Active Member

    Hearthope - how are things going? I have always said that you have to do what you can live with. It doesn't mean that you are weak for giving your son another chance. Just a hopeful Mom. Good luck.
     
  16. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    HH I don't think you are weak at all. My mommy heart will not give up as long as their is breath in my or my difficult child's. At some point I know things have to change. Not saying that change will be for the better, mind you, but there will be change.

    We all have to try and some of us are willing to put up with more than others. It's all a matter of when and where is that line in the sand that you are drawing.

    I need to know that I am doing everything humanly possible to help my difficult child. I also know that I cannot change my difficult child...it has to be he who changes.
     
  17. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    The goal is for your child to be an upstanding citizen, a productive part of society. As parents we do everything we can to help our kids get moving in the right direction. You're doing everything you can-including giving him another chance. Don't second guess your decision, good things are happening already! -Alyssa
     
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