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This is my mom's birthday
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 600866" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Aw SuZ, what an interesting post and thought provoking mother/daughter connections you bring up...........it's such a complicated relationship, mothers and daughters, I can understand what you are saying. I imagine your mother was in the middle of generations too, likely confusing to even her what her gender role was. Geez, I grew up in the 60's with all the radical movements and my generation also has gender confusions. It makes sense that she would act in ways that seemed contradictory and ambivalent. It also makes sense that you would want the picket fence, wanting that stability you didn't have with her. </p><p></p><p>We certainly are the products of our upbringing.........my mother was a traditional stay at home mom, the absolute last thing I ever wanted when I was young, so my difficult child daughter was looking for picket fences (when she was healthier) and my granddaughter seems like a freedom fighter like I was. Funny how that happens, skipping generations. All we seem to want is for our parents to really know us, accept us, love us unconditionally..........and yet they have their expectations based out of their own inadequacies and unfulfilled desires............and often those weigh heavy on us as kids............and then we turn around and many of us do the same thing to our own kids...............weird. As I get older it's easier for me to see my mother for the flawed human being she is, which hurt me tremendously, and yet, she did the best she could with what she had. Coming to grips with all of that has taken some therapy!! </p><p></p><p>I remember my first therapist telling me that the task of therapy is to separate from our parents. I had no idea then (at age 23) that it was a lifelong experience..............you wrote beautifully about all the various components of your relationship with your mother, complicated, deep, trying, empowering (thinking of a 10 year old negotiating) disappointing, hurtful, tender, all of it.............and it helped mold you into who you are, a caring, very bright, compassionate, funny, kind, thoughtful, interesting woman. </p><p></p><p>I personally agree with Oprah when she says that parenting is the hardest job on the planet. You chose that path and 2 boys will grow up to be men who feel safe in a woman's arms...... You made terrific choices with your life, they fit who you are..........your mother made her choices.................what's important is that she loved you and instilled in you the courage to be who you are, even if that meant "disappointing" her. </p><p></p><p>I can look back at my crazy life with my family and now that much of the pain of it is in the past, I can see that it all made me exactly who I turned out to be, I learned a lot from the adversity, I gained strength from so many weighty expectations..........your mom gave you the gifts you required to shape the life you chose............interesting that you wrote in your bio that your difficult child is "ill suited to picket fences"......like your mother............perhaps your grand baby will be on the quest for the picket fence..............sending you great big MOM hugs............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 600866, member: 13542"] Aw SuZ, what an interesting post and thought provoking mother/daughter connections you bring up...........it's such a complicated relationship, mothers and daughters, I can understand what you are saying. I imagine your mother was in the middle of generations too, likely confusing to even her what her gender role was. Geez, I grew up in the 60's with all the radical movements and my generation also has gender confusions. It makes sense that she would act in ways that seemed contradictory and ambivalent. It also makes sense that you would want the picket fence, wanting that stability you didn't have with her. We certainly are the products of our upbringing.........my mother was a traditional stay at home mom, the absolute last thing I ever wanted when I was young, so my difficult child daughter was looking for picket fences (when she was healthier) and my granddaughter seems like a freedom fighter like I was. Funny how that happens, skipping generations. All we seem to want is for our parents to really know us, accept us, love us unconditionally..........and yet they have their expectations based out of their own inadequacies and unfulfilled desires............and often those weigh heavy on us as kids............and then we turn around and many of us do the same thing to our own kids...............weird. As I get older it's easier for me to see my mother for the flawed human being she is, which hurt me tremendously, and yet, she did the best she could with what she had. Coming to grips with all of that has taken some therapy!! I remember my first therapist telling me that the task of therapy is to separate from our parents. I had no idea then (at age 23) that it was a lifelong experience..............you wrote beautifully about all the various components of your relationship with your mother, complicated, deep, trying, empowering (thinking of a 10 year old negotiating) disappointing, hurtful, tender, all of it.............and it helped mold you into who you are, a caring, very bright, compassionate, funny, kind, thoughtful, interesting woman. I personally agree with Oprah when she says that parenting is the hardest job on the planet. You chose that path and 2 boys will grow up to be men who feel safe in a woman's arms...... You made terrific choices with your life, they fit who you are..........your mother made her choices.................what's important is that she loved you and instilled in you the courage to be who you are, even if that meant "disappointing" her. I can look back at my crazy life with my family and now that much of the pain of it is in the past, I can see that it all made me exactly who I turned out to be, I learned a lot from the adversity, I gained strength from so many weighty expectations..........your mom gave you the gifts you required to shape the life you chose............interesting that you wrote in your bio that your difficult child is "ill suited to picket fences"......like your mother............perhaps your grand baby will be on the quest for the picket fence..............sending you great big MOM hugs............ [/QUOTE]
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