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This is my mom's birthday
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 600922" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Thanks all!</p><p></p><p>There are times when I think I never really knew my mom much. She was so complex and contradictory. It was difficult to know, what she really thought or believed in her heart and what she said to give impression she wanted to or to gain attention. You have to understand that she was really very smart. And she was able to see things like they were, when she wanted to. And she often encouraged me to do so, even if she then vocally disagreed with what I saw.</p><p></p><p>You have to understand that due historical reasons baby boomers' rebellion was very strong here and especially kids from upper middle class background went extremely socialist or communist. It was almost the norm at the time. Even our richest, epitome of greediness people from that generation used to be blazing communists once. My mom didn't tone it down as quickly as most, but I guess that was her gfgness, immaturity and wanting to irritate her parents. My granddad was very intensive and strong personality. I absolutely adored him and he was great for me, but while there was lots of love also between him and my mom, I bet he was very different dad to her than grandpa to me. And family life of him and my grandma was not without turbulence so I can understand my mom's need to rebel.</p><p></p><p>But there were things I did find very difficult to forgive her and some have even shown to me even worse lately when reading PE here. My mom certainly did some extremely dirty tricks. I was really angry for her for many things from my childhood when easy child was young. At that time I was trying to be a perfect mom and it was very clear to me where she had fallen short. Later I learned to forgive her and also myself for not being that perfect mom. And there were lots of things she did well for me. One thing I was very mad about her was, that she made me worry so much as a child. It wasn't enough that she made me be scared of nuclear war before I was even out of pre-K, worry for world hunger etc. but she also made me worry about everyday adult things, even things she didn't worry. Not only did I have to remind and beg her to pay bills instead of using money for partying or something, but she let me have a real, devastating worry about our survival. I really was afraid we could end up homeless and hungry. And all the time she knew, that even then our social benefits would have given us some basic needs and even more so, her parents and even some of her ex-husbands were willing to help. As long as she had me, her parents were not going to let us be homeless or hungry. And she had skills that made it easy to make enough money for us to survive. She knew that if she decided to travel or party instead of buying food and us to eat oatmeal for two weeks, it was not the end of the world and if she wanted, she could come up with a little bit of money. I was the one, who was terrified and counting how many oatmeal portions was left in the packet and worrying we would not have anything when it run out. </p><p></p><p>And there were things I have truly realised the dirtiness only now reading this forum and when my own kids start to be out from home. For example when we were out of money and she was too proud (or not in talking terms) to ask from her parents, she made me to call or even visit (alone) and tell, that I haven't eaten anything but oatmeal for a week and I was hungry. Or that I didn't have a winter jacket or boots and was cold. The worry and anger my grandparents had to feel over that.</p><p></p><p>My mom was very intense person in every way. And very charming. Beautiful and smart. Growing up next to her always made me feel very ordinary and gray. She was always getting all the attention. But she was also able to make my life magic at times. When I was very sall, life felt like a great adventure. Later I became a constant worrywart and wasn't able to enjoy all that.</p><p></p><p>But even if she at times manipulated me and used me, she also genuinely cared about me, even when I wasn't useful any more. Even when I was middle of my insufferable perfect mom-routine after easy child's birth. She may have hated what I had become, she may have laughed at me, she may have been frustrated, but she still was there watching me, ultimately at my side whatever happened and trying to get me back to my senses. After that somewhat happened - and after I was able to forgive her, we had a couple short years before her cancer and death. I'm very sorry that time was so short. I would still need her so much at times.</p><p></p><p>She was difficult but on her own way very remarkable woman and left a mark to many people who knew her. She was 'a love of their life' to at least three of her men, my dad included (and that was so doomed from the beginning, if my mom was a difficult child, my dad is worse) but I don't know if any of them ever got bigger on her eyes than her dad. And if you would have asked love of her life, that would had been her ideology, or in some of her weak moments, me.</p><p></p><p>EDIT: And when I said she would have had her ways to come up with money, I don't even mean anything shady. She had a friend, who was always short of translators. Not interesting or glamorous work, usually manuals etc. but my mom was able to translate from several languages to two languages and any time she wanted to make some extra money, all she had to do, was ask some work. A friend even paid half in advance.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 600922, member: 14557"] Thanks all! There are times when I think I never really knew my mom much. She was so complex and contradictory. It was difficult to know, what she really thought or believed in her heart and what she said to give impression she wanted to or to gain attention. You have to understand that she was really very smart. And she was able to see things like they were, when she wanted to. And she often encouraged me to do so, even if she then vocally disagreed with what I saw. You have to understand that due historical reasons baby boomers' rebellion was very strong here and especially kids from upper middle class background went extremely socialist or communist. It was almost the norm at the time. Even our richest, epitome of greediness people from that generation used to be blazing communists once. My mom didn't tone it down as quickly as most, but I guess that was her gfgness, immaturity and wanting to irritate her parents. My granddad was very intensive and strong personality. I absolutely adored him and he was great for me, but while there was lots of love also between him and my mom, I bet he was very different dad to her than grandpa to me. And family life of him and my grandma was not without turbulence so I can understand my mom's need to rebel. But there were things I did find very difficult to forgive her and some have even shown to me even worse lately when reading PE here. My mom certainly did some extremely dirty tricks. I was really angry for her for many things from my childhood when easy child was young. At that time I was trying to be a perfect mom and it was very clear to me where she had fallen short. Later I learned to forgive her and also myself for not being that perfect mom. And there were lots of things she did well for me. One thing I was very mad about her was, that she made me worry so much as a child. It wasn't enough that she made me be scared of nuclear war before I was even out of pre-K, worry for world hunger etc. but she also made me worry about everyday adult things, even things she didn't worry. Not only did I have to remind and beg her to pay bills instead of using money for partying or something, but she let me have a real, devastating worry about our survival. I really was afraid we could end up homeless and hungry. And all the time she knew, that even then our social benefits would have given us some basic needs and even more so, her parents and even some of her ex-husbands were willing to help. As long as she had me, her parents were not going to let us be homeless or hungry. And she had skills that made it easy to make enough money for us to survive. She knew that if she decided to travel or party instead of buying food and us to eat oatmeal for two weeks, it was not the end of the world and if she wanted, she could come up with a little bit of money. I was the one, who was terrified and counting how many oatmeal portions was left in the packet and worrying we would not have anything when it run out. And there were things I have truly realised the dirtiness only now reading this forum and when my own kids start to be out from home. For example when we were out of money and she was too proud (or not in talking terms) to ask from her parents, she made me to call or even visit (alone) and tell, that I haven't eaten anything but oatmeal for a week and I was hungry. Or that I didn't have a winter jacket or boots and was cold. The worry and anger my grandparents had to feel over that. My mom was very intense person in every way. And very charming. Beautiful and smart. Growing up next to her always made me feel very ordinary and gray. She was always getting all the attention. But she was also able to make my life magic at times. When I was very sall, life felt like a great adventure. Later I became a constant worrywart and wasn't able to enjoy all that. But even if she at times manipulated me and used me, she also genuinely cared about me, even when I wasn't useful any more. Even when I was middle of my insufferable perfect mom-routine after easy child's birth. She may have hated what I had become, she may have laughed at me, she may have been frustrated, but she still was there watching me, ultimately at my side whatever happened and trying to get me back to my senses. After that somewhat happened - and after I was able to forgive her, we had a couple short years before her cancer and death. I'm very sorry that time was so short. I would still need her so much at times. She was difficult but on her own way very remarkable woman and left a mark to many people who knew her. She was 'a love of their life' to at least three of her men, my dad included (and that was so doomed from the beginning, if my mom was a difficult child, my dad is worse) but I don't know if any of them ever got bigger on her eyes than her dad. And if you would have asked love of her life, that would had been her ideology, or in some of her weak moments, me. EDIT: And when I said she would have had her ways to come up with money, I don't even mean anything shady. She had a friend, who was always short of translators. Not interesting or glamorous work, usually manuals etc. but my mom was able to translate from several languages to two languages and any time she wanted to make some extra money, all she had to do, was ask some work. A friend even paid half in advance. [/QUOTE]
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