This is never going to end is it?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Nov 15, 2012.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    difficult child just called from some stranger's cell phone in a panic. He said he got kicked out of his friends house because they said he's untrustworthy. Hmmm untrustworthy? Sadly not surprised. Anyway, he said he had no where to go and could I ask my husband to come pick him up in PA 2 hours away. I told him no and what he needs to do is find a shelter ASAP and tomorrow i can call the CMO and we can figure out how to help him then. He said they won't take him at the one shelter without ID and can he please come home. I said no you can't come home but I will do whatever I can to get you the help you need. He called me a f***ing bi*ch and hung up on me. After that I made some calls and found one emergency shelter that will take him without ID. I called the original shelter that wouldn't take him and they said they would try to help him get to the other shelter if he showed up there again. I can't, literally CAN NOT take this anymore. Im a mess. As much as I try to detach this literally consumes my life every second of every day. The worrying, the sadness, the guilt. I hate waking up everyday because it never ends.

    I hope he makes it to a shelter. It's so cold tonight. Am I a bad person for not allowing him to come home? I feel like the worst person ever. My heart is breaking.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Geez, JKF, I so understand..............no Mom should ever be in your shoes, and yet.................many of us have been...............many of us are..............what a choice to have to make. But, listen to me, you made the best choice, the only choice you can to protect your family, mostly your 11 year old, your marriage, your sanity, your health, your well being. Three people can't give up their lives for one who won't change. You are not the worst person ever, although, I recall feeling exactly that way. You are not responsible for this, he is. He is dealing with the consequences of his bad choices.

    I was just listening to my group therapist say last night how amazing it still is to her that when we stop enabling our kids or our husbands, or whomever, how many of them move out of the mess they were in and make better choices. But it takes time and most of all it takes you to continue making those hard choices............I know how hard the choices are, but just remember, when he didn't get his way he started calling you names..................that is not a good sign, he is not remorseful, he is looking for the next easy way out...............

    Remember a couple of weeks ago how alarmed and frightened you were thinking he was coming home? Try to imagine what life was like when he lived with you and how that impacted the three of you. I know this is really really hard, but you've begun a process here that takes time, and in the middle it really stinks, it's hard, and each step of the way you have to make these kinds of choices. It seems they get more and more dramatic too, as I recall from my own experience. Hang in there, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. You called the shelters for him. That's all you can do. I'm sorry, I know how insane it makes you feel. (((HUGS))))
     
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I know RE. I really do know I'm doing the right thing but its so HARD. This is seriously the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and sometimes I think I can't do it anymore. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the next catastrophe. I am always on edge and just don't enjoy anything anymore. I'm tired, SO TIRED, of living this way.

    I have to get myself to a therapist soon. I keep saying I'm going to but then find a million excuses as to why I can't. Almost as bad as difficult child but the difference is that I KNOW I need help!

    That's my goal tomorrow. To make a dr appointment for myself and start figuring out how to stop this vicious, vicious cycle.

    And you're right. This is his OWN bad choice, I did not do this to him, and these are the consequences no matter how sad they are. I just hope he makes it to that shelter tonight and that nothing happens to him.

    Anyway thank you for your reply. You write beautifully and your replies are always filled with so much wisdom and compassion and understanding. I appreciate it more than you know.
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you for your kind words........

    There was a time a few months ago,.........I went through the agonies of the damned as you are now, the horrors of "what ifs," the middle of the night heart pounding fears of my only child out there and what kind of a person, a mother, lets her kid face those elements when I have a warm and cozy home she can come to.............as I've said many times here on this board and to my friends, never had I experienced the kind of pain in my heart, in my mind, in my life, as the suffering I went through detaching from my difficult child. I know exactly how you feel, as I imagine many of us do. You have to go against every instinct you have, every feeling that you've known to be real and right, and essentially abandon your child when it 'appears' they are the most needy and vulnerable. It is absolutely horrific and crazy making and puts you through a nightmare of monumental fears.

    Run to that phone tomorrow and call your psychiatrist and get yourself some help to do this. I really can't imagine coming out the other side without an army of help, information, support, guidance, care, nurturing, and a lot of hand holding. I am about to complete a one year program for codependency which fell into my lap when I needed it most. I learned so much to give me the strength to go on, to go through, to make all those hard choices you're right in the middle of making right now. Having lived through what you're describing makes me have a sense that anything is possible............you can separate yourself from another human being, even your own child and let them go to wherever they go............and be alright, in fact, fine, in fact you can live your life in a peaceful and happy way. I didn't think you could get from there to anywhere else, but you can. And, what it takes is one choice at a time............one choice.......each time he makes a move, you counter with a loving but detached response, exactly the way you did today.

    I don't know how it works for others, perhaps you might ask them, but for me, it was a moment where my difficult child just stepped over that line for the millionth time and something inside me just broke, I could feel it, not me breaking, the program, the unhealthy enabling connection, the false sense of control, the rescuing, the fear, the belief I could change it, the hope I would change it, the hidden knowledge that I couldn't change it, the "if only I did this or that it'll all be better" script, the pervasive and extremely false notion that I as a parent, I am all powerful and should know what to do and just do it...............the whole system just broke. I said it to her, "it's over." And then I made some bumpy new choices for awhile getting used to being liberated from this chaos that is my difficult child's life. I didn't trust it, thought it would all come flying back, but it hasn't. And, that's where the therapy, the counseling, the outside support comes in, you need that to stay out of your own need to control, to help, to enable, to fix, to make better. You need it to learn how to parent your difficult child differently then "normal" parenting. We don't know how to do this, and we are forced to learn.

    He'll be fine, it's you I worry about............go get yourself some help................you're doing all the right things and it still hurts...........(((HUGS))))
     
  5. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    He's safely at the shelter. I called. I had to. I obviously didn't speak to him but I spoke to the director who ironically has the same first name as difficult child. The man was SO nice! He was saying that difficult child was in good spirits (proof that he's rapidly cycling) and had made "friends" with a couple of the other guys. Oh good. The guy also said he had to put his own 21 year old child out on the streets so he knows how much that hurts and he would never ever judge me. He said they usually don't open the doors till 9 but bc I had called in a panic earlier and they saw difficult child waiting out there at 8 they let him in early to feed him. I just can't get over how kind this man was and I'm thankful there are still good people in this world. At least I can sleep tonight. difficult child is safe with his new homeless friends. *****big BIG sigh*****

    I am definitely RUNNING to the psychiatrist. My bosses wife has a great one she wants me to go to and I'm calling him FIRST thing tomorrow AM!
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good, you can sleep now. I hope you have a dreamless, peaceful, nourishing rest now...............
     
  7. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I slept last night. Finally slept. I needed it big time. Today's a new day and I've already reached out to the CMO to let him know difficult child needs help. The YMCA there has a relocation program where they bus homeless people back to where they're from as long as they have support services waiting for them. The only problem is that I have no way to contact difficult child unless he contacts me. Hopefully the CMO can help me figure this out. I'd rather they do everything because the more I put myself in the middle the more I become a part of this whole mess!

    Anyway, I had a dream about difficult child last night. In the dream I went to where he was and was able to convince him to go into the psychiatric hospital. His main concern in the dream was that he would miss thanksgiving if he did that. There were lots of laughs and hugs and it was so vivid. I hated waking up this morning and realizing that it was sadly just a dream and that things are NOT ok.

    Off to face the day now I guess. I would usually be happy it's Friday but I'm dreading the weekend. If difficult child is in crisis the weekends are ALWAYS the worst!
     
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Truly, you never know when it is going to end OR when it is going to change OR when it is going to improve. One thing you do know is that it never is going to be the way it used to be. That's why we all hope for the best but have to stay prepared for the worst. Not a relaxing position for any of us. on the other hand some of us have seen improvement with the passage of time and I truly hope that will be true for your family too. Hugs DDD
     
  9. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    The Pastor from the shelter called me this morning to let me know that difficult child had done "exceptionally well" there last night and got along great with the other guys. It doesn't surprise me because difficult child is definitely gifted at making friends - it's keeping them that's the problem. Anyway, the Pastor said that difficult child wanted his CMO worker's number so hopefully he'll call him and they can figure out what to do. They also got some clothing donations in this morning so he said difficult child was going through the bins to find himself some warm clothes. That made me feel a bit better. I'm going to try to take a step back now. It's hard when it's in the heat of the moment and difficult child calls panicking. I always, always, ALWAYS picture worst case scenario and get myself all worked up. Yet here we are today and difficult child survived the night being homeless. I know he's a smart kid. He's resourceful so that works in his favor. He also has an amazing ability to make people feel sorry for him. I 'think' he'll be ok and who knows, maybe this will help him start making some positive decisions for himself.

    So yeah, my goal today is that I'm going to try to stay calm and try to keep myself out of the middle of this mess. I'm also making an appointment with a psychiatrist. It's really time for me to take back some control over my life and help myself and my husband and other son have a good life in the midst of difficult child's constant chaos.
     
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's hard to ride that thin line of preparing for the worst but not having it take over our lives.......the way I deal with it is to say to myself, right now, in this moment, everything is OK. I try not to put myself in the future and freak out about what may happen, even though, I may be right, it's happened every time before, and I'm steeling myself for the onslaught of yet another drama. For me, that started to feel as if all the moments of my life were contaminated with difficult child insanity.................so every time my mind went into that scary, fearful place of worry about what might happen, I deliberately switched gears, told myself, right now, in this moment, everything is fine. I did it over and over and over again, and over time my mind stopped going into that "what if" place...........(Well, maybe it goes there on occasion, but not very often)..............for me it was training my brain to stop making those connections.............afterall, we were slowly trained into being fearful all the time, we can slowly re train ourselves to be back to being peaceful. (There is much new evidence about how the brains neurotransmitters get into a "loop" where the thoughts continue to go, like a 'fear trap', but science teaches that you can forge new pathways by stopping those fear thoughts and moving your thoughts into a new direction. Yes, it takes effort and commitment, but it can be done.) Those fear thoughts are like a runaway train, but you can pull back and stop them. Worry becomes a way of life after awhile and keeps us stuck in fear.............

    I hope you can enjoy some of your day............he is safe at the shelter, fed, warm, he's OK and you have people in place to help him. You've done what you can, do everything you can to place him in a bubble out of your mind and take a breath and enjoy your weekend. I know it's hard, it's one moment to the next.............hang in there..............hugs to you............
     
  11. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    JFK,
    It is one of the hardest things you will ever do, as a mother it goes against every maternal instinct we have. There are so many great books on the market today, I wish they had been there when I first started this path.

    A counselor told me about detachment many years ago. I wasn't able to do it either! She told me he will make the same decisions (right or wrong) whether you are sick with worry (literally) or not. Very true.

    They are 'me' people at his age and difficult children are more so. For your own health you need to think of yourself, and as was pointed out, the others in your family.

    It is so easy to tell others what to do and I can tell you from experience (as everyone else) he is going to do what he is going to do regardless! Mine would rather sleep on the woods than stay in a homeless shelter, and he thought it was so cool to panhandle. Where in the h*** did he come from?? I worked so hard to give him a good life and it hasn't been appreciated at all!

    As has been said it is a process and for most of us a very slow one. I thought I had mine under control until my 33yo relasped and it jerked me back almost to the beginning.

    The one thing I have learned is my loving child has turned into a selfish 'me' adult. All of the money and sacrifies I have made have not helped him (to my knowledge) but they have made me feel less guilt. in my opinion overcoming th guilt is one of the hardest. You did the best you could - it is so hard to not keep playing the movies 'what if' in our heads. What is done is done - what he wants to do he will do.

    The thing that I noticed in your post was 'he asked for the CMO's number'. They are much more resourceful than we realize. He found a way to take care of himself. It's hard, all of us know that. And I agree that the weekends are hard.

    This was one of the first support books I found. It is wriiten by a therapist, if she can't 'fix' her kid you know we can't lol! I hope you have a restful weekend. It honestly does get easier, but you have to work on it.
    http://www.support4change.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=131&Itemid=177/7/23.html
     
  12. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I don't have much to add except to say it's always a rollercoaster. But I think as time goes by you become better able to deal with it. While I still get stressed out I manage my stress better and have found ways to avoid getting overly involved in whatever drama my difficult child has going. This has been particularly hard with a grandchild involved, but I do pretty well. I have become much more focused on me and my life and don't lose that focus because Kat shows up with some crazy situation. So it does become easier over time. Hang in there!
     
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    You have to do what you feel is right. He is of age, but since he is under 21, it might be a good idea to provide a little help if you are able and if it wont hurt you to do so. So, a phone call here and there, an opportunity for counseling (should he be willing to attend, you can afford it and he is definately willing to go and for sure is going), advise on where shelters are located, how to obtain food stamps, a cell phone with minimum minutes (no texting or long distance). If things are as bad as they seem, you are under no obligation to do more than that and in my humble opinion, at 21, I would even consider not doing even that, if he does not change/improve significantly. I personally extend a little help to age 21 only because our difficult children seem to be, for lack of a better word, immature or delayed and this might help them to safety. Do not tolerate him calling you nasty names and get off the phone immediately if he does so. And of course, if he is ever violent, VERY SERIOUSLY consider calling the police. Who knows if it is every going to end. It might take a VERY long time or it might not ever happen. It is good if you are going to counseling. This is a very tough burden. Take very good care of YOURSELF.
     
  14. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I would not wish this feeling on my very worst enemy. It is h*ll. I was ok for a little bit earlier. Actually tried to derail my thoughts as RE suggested. It worked for a while. I was able to talk myself out of the negative thoughts and focus on other things. I may be able to master that with more practice but right now the guilt, fear and anxiety are slowly creeping up on me again. My heart feels like its going to pound right out of my chest. It's dark. It's freezing cold. I don't know if difficult child is ok or not. I have the worst headache. Hubby wants to get romantic and I can't even begin to stand the thought of that. I almost want to slap him because he doesn't feel the crushing grief that I feel right now. Uggggh! If difficult child can get through the weekend and I can somehow make contact with him we'll hopefully be able to get him on a bus to NJ on Monday. The CMO said they can hopefully put him up in a hotel or room until they can figure out a more permanent solution. But how will I contact him to let him know? How can I help him? I can't. Omg. I can't help my own son and he's homeless in the freezing cold streets of one of the poorest cities in the nation. I haven't felt this devastated in a very long time. The last time I felt like this was 7 years ago when my mother died suddenly in her sleep. I know difficult child is alive but I feel such loss and intense grief right now and I don't know how I will ever be ok again until he's ok.
     
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, you mastered your worry thoughts for awhile, that's very, very good. It takes time, this all takes time and in between you feel what you described in your last post, worry and grief and loss. I wish I would wave a magic wand over you and make the pain go away, but, like most things in life, the only way out is through......

    You mentioned that he's good at making friends, good at making folks feel sorry for him, that he's resourceful, he found his way to the shelter last night, ..........so by all accounts, you are not dealing with a fool who'll freeze on a cold street corner. He has certainly found a place to stay and is likely warm and fed. You have a headache and you're in a state of fear..............perhaps all of that for no reason, he may be just fine, just out of touch. And, as I always think, if anything really did happen, you would likely be one of the first ones to find out. Right now, nothing has changed, everything is OK as far as you know.........there is no reason to panic, worry or be afraid, you simply don't know exactly where he is. He could be laughing with a new friend now, not hungry..............he could be resting on a cot in a shelter, warm and safe...........not out in the street...........he may be drinking hot cocoa right now, not walking the streets cold and hungry............and all your worry will have been for naught and you will have lost hours, days, maybe weeks, months and at some point, even years of your own life................

    It is such a hard road, I understand, take some deep breaths, push the thoughts out of your head, there is nothing you can do tonight, try to relax your mind, body spirit and remember to stay right here in the moment. Try to let the fear go, every time you breathe out breathe out fear and worry, and every time you breathe in, breathe in peace, calm, ease & comfort, ......practice that daily a few times a day.............when we're afraid we breathe in a shallow way which doesn't allow enough oxygen and causes many restrictions in our body and mind. Deep breathing actually has many benefits and one is it helps to get us calmed down and works in many ways to make us feel better. Breathe......................Those of us who've been in your shoes are holding you in our collective mothers arms so that you can feel safe and peaceful..............just imagine that and go rest.............HUGS............
     
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Just sending lots of love and support to you as you walk this scary road. I hope you got some sleep.
    This thread is quite profound in my opinion. Really applies to so much in life.
    I.hope difficult child is fine, I suspect he is.......and I hope he lets you know he's ok. Hugs, Dee
     
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    JFK, I so understand where you are... it is an incredibly hard road to be on as a parent and really all you can do is to keeping finding ways to live your life while still loving difficult child. Finding that balance between helping and enabling is hard and it is tortuous when you are wondering if they are alive and how they are managing when they are homeless. I tend to write more over on the SA forum but I am in a similar situation as you. We kicked our son out at age 18, let him come home again, kicked him out again and he has been out since then and he is now 21. He has been in a bunch of different treatment places and sober houses and then gets kicked out, and the last time he left on his own. We have helped him a bunch along the way... always helping him get treatment when he wanted it. However we have also let him be homeless several times in the process. He has been homeless since he walked out of the last place at the end of August, and he is across the country from us. So I really understand your worry and your pain and your being unable to enjoy or focus on anything else. I have most definitely been there.

    At this point I am in a different place. I still worry about him and it bothers me that I have now not heard from him in 2 weeks! BUT I am going on with my life and in fact enjoying my life, my 17 year old easy child daugther and my husband. I want you to know ti is possible to get to that different place. I think a couple of things helped me. One was finding an great alanon parent support group. I started going to that 2 years ago and that was a huge help. The other was when my son walked out of the last place (which he admitted was a very good place and he did want to go back at one point but they would not take him until he had more substance abuse treatment elsewhere)... I have a contact where he is and I asked my son why he didnt call him and get help. My sons response was "because sometimes its easier sleeping on the streets than conforming to the rules of recovery". Wow I dont understand that at all but it is a very clear statement on his part. This is a choice he is making, we love him and would help him again if he showed us he really wanted the help. However we are no longer going to jump through hoops to find him help, he has to find it and really want it... not just as an alternative to the streets.

    And you know what he has figured out how to survive as a homeless person. I have no idea how or what he is doing but there really is nothing more I can do. I have done everything and beyond... and realizing that got rid of my feelings of guilt. So I no longer (most of the time) feel guilty, I no longer am desperate to find him a solution. I am waiting until he wants it and does what he needs to do.... and in the meantime continue to let him know I love him when I have a chance. The only contact with him I have is through FB and he hasnt been on FB for two weeks.... so I sit and wait. And it is awful on the one hand.... but on the other I am glad in a way I dont know the details. And I am doing what I need to do to enjoy life and I am no longer obssessing about him. I do suggest you find a real life support group of some kind... either thorugh alanon or NAMI. There are other parents going through what you are and I have found it very comforting and helful to meet in person other parents who know exactly what we are going through and who in fact are nice good people too.

    TL
     
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

    I wish that anyone could tell you that this will end and end in a good, positive, healthy and hopeful way. Generations of parents have hoped and prayed for this, and sadly we are not a whole lot closer to being able to make it happen than our grandparents' generation was.

    We CAN work to make sure we react to the stress in a healthy way, and to make sure that we identify, set and maintain boundaries to protect ourselves and those loved ones who are also at the mercy of this hideous disease. This means taking tough steps, ones that are painful and horrible and that we NEVER could have imagined in those exciting hopeful days of pregnancy/adoption procedures and those days of parenting very young children.

    PLEASE go to a psychiatrist or your regular doctor to see about medications that can help. Get to a therapist and drag your husband and other kids to them also. If cost is a problem, contact churches in your area and the area family crisis/domestic violence center(s). If you don't want to seek help in your community because you fear anyone knowing, then go to a nearby area. Do NOT limit yourself to the church you attend or the one representing your exact faith. Most if not all churches have programs that will help you regardless of your religious beliefs. If you don't want a 'hard sell' to convert to a religion, consider Unitarian and Episcopal churches and even some Catholic ones. I have known quite a few priests/pastors from these churches who will help while respecting your beliefs. Unitarian churches, at least the ones I have known, are especially wonderful for encouraging people to have their own beliefs and respecting the differences of faith that people have. One of the people who was incredibly helpful to me when things were really bad was a Unitarian minister, the one who married husband and I because I would not convert to his faith and because we did not want to wait months to get married as I was already pregnant.

    I don't know if alanon meetings have been helpful to you. What I have heard about some of the alanon groups from members here is totally different than what I have experienced, and the groups that are different would not have been helpful to me. So if you want to try to go to meetings, try several. Different locations and times draw different groups and each has a unique dynamic though they follow the same steps. NarcAnon and Celebrate Recovery are other options that may be helpful.

    Have you had a heart to heart talk with your husband about how you feel? Men express their grief, guilt and pain in very different ways than women do. Men are likely to want to be romantic in order to feel close to the person they love. Women are more likely to need to feel close before they are able to be romantic. Talking through this is one of the challenges of going through any crisis as a couple. Maybe you could figure out a halfway point.

    PLEASE don't catastrophize and let yourself think that difficult child won't ever ever change. This only hurts YOU, not difficult child. My mom has often thought that it takes some people well into their mid thirties to figure out who they are, what they want to do, and to want to live a life without the drama of the streets, drugs, and similar choices. Our family history has shown this to be true. My bro was in that range, and so were several of my older cousins. Those who would get and stay clean usually didn't until they were over 30. The one cousin who is about as non-traditional in her beliefs as a person can be was in her 30s before she really settled down to build a life outside various communes and non-traditional groups. Yes, communes.

    If we based the future on where we were, how we thought, our beliefs and our actions when we were 18-20whatever, I doubt that ANY of us would be where we are now. I know that I wouldn't be. Heck, if I based my idea of Wiz' future on his behavior at 14-16, he would be in prison or dead by now, and he is about to turn 21 in a few days. I have every faith that he will grow and change and that hopefully we will have a better relationship when he is older and more mature.

    I hope you can get help to cope with the grief and pain. Reach out, open up, read, and talk with your husband and others. The more you keep this inside, the more it will hurt. There will always be some amt of pain, but you can find ways to learn to heal. One of the things that has always helped me was volunteering to help others. Maybe reaching out to others to help them would help you get your focus off of the pain, help you heal. This time of year there are many ways to give back, and they can be a lot of fun. Maybe get some simple craft materials and make a bunch of ornaments to take to a local senior center or soup kitchen or to a head start program. One year my mom sewed xmas stockings for every child in the Head Start program at the elem school my kids attended. We bought a few things to put into them and I was able to get donations to include with them. Each child got a nice used book (looked like new), a toy safe for kids under 3 (because many had siblings - make sure the toy and any parts that come off are not able to fit inside the cardboard tube that toilet paper comes on - easy and effective guideline), an ornament and a double-bagged playdough mix that parents just had to stir hot water into. I made the playdough mix and printed directions on pretty paper. I can give you a recipe if you want - I used kool-aid to color and scent it and had almost every parent clamoring for the recipe because it was so much fun (plus it could be baked into ornaments if they wanted!)

    The first year we did this we were having a LOT of problems with Wiz and health issues and this was great therapy for us and the kids loved them.

    It doesn't have to be that hard. The craft/frugal gift thread has some great ideas, as does the family fun magazine website and of course the family fun magazine. I can pass links along if you want.

    I know it may sound strange, but giving back by doing volunteer work or making a simple thing to give away truly is a very effective way to help cope with a traumatic event or situation like having an addicted or ill child or other loved one. It helps you gain perspective and brings a bit of joy into your life. It doesn't have to be expensive or labor or time intensive. Maybe just make some simple paper ornaments and give them to the cashiers at the store or someone you see who is frowning or looking unhappy. One of my favorite "Jessie memories" is of the year she was five. We were going to the Children's hospital for therapy and doctor appts at least twice a week, and of course Jess and thank you came with us mostly. She and I made some simple felt mice with candy cane tails and she took two dozen with us one day and gave them to the kids, parents and staff members she saw as we walked through the hospital. She was so happy when she saw people who looked unhappy or upset start to smile as she gave them a mouse - it truly was joyful for her and gave them a happy smile too. I cherish the memory and the lesson in kindness that she gave me that day. When we got to the hospital I had NO idea she had the mice with her - we made them for her sunday school class!

    I am sorry that you are hurting so badly, and I hope that your difficult child will accept and embrace help.

    I am so sorry that right now he is so sick. THe man at the shelter sounds like a great person and someone who might be able to point you toward other sources of help.
     
  19. peg2

    peg2 Member

    This sounds like we could have written the same post!!!!! i can't talk to my son either(RO) but worry due to cold weather,etc.etc. And how can I get a message to him to offer help(but nothing more). This is absolutely the worst thing I have ever lived through and know it will always be the worst thing. i was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year and have completed surgery, chemo and radiation but this situation with my son is a millon times worse.
    I am praying for you.
     
  20. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    You've gotten some excellent, caring, wise advise above. I have been where you are, it just kills your heart, kills your spirit, kills your everything! You love your child and it is a normal instinct to care about where they are, who they are with, have they eaten, are they warm, are they out of danger, etc. As mothers we can drive ourselves absolutely crazy with worry. And it doesn't do a darn thing to make the situation better. I am way on the other side now, but I think what helped me, was to realize how sad, how upset, how scared I was for my child and guess what? She was laughing it up, making the best of a situation because that is just how she lived life! She was not in the least concerned about how I was feeling. And when I finally realized that and was able to put it all into perspective, I was angry! Angry that my difficult child could do this to ME! That "I" allowed myself to become so upset about a situation that my difficult child really didn't consider a huge deal. And that is the biggest realization that I had to come to. My difficult child wasn't near as concerned about all those things that hurt me so terribly. In fact she reveled in the excitement of it all. Like your son, my difficult child is very resourceful! It's just a day in the life, really. And when they want better, they'll do what it takes to make it better. Hugs for your weary heart. I'm sorry for the pain in your life.
     
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