This is so hard...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Jan 6, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm obviously not going to get principal to request county team and now I'm worried about whether or not the school district will agree to do anything thru the iep team. My gut feeling at this point is that principal will stick to saying difficult child is not a problem at school and his excessive absences (he didn't go today) are a result of mental health so it's a mental health issue, not a school issue.

    She has the head of middle school Special Education attending tomorrow's meeting, but based on my experience with this last year, she'll just back up what principal says/wants. This keeps ssd from having to pay anything out of their budget, you know. I suspect at most that they will recommend homebound, which is not going to work with me.

    If anyone has any experience with this stuff, please review my thread in Special Education forum and give me some pointers...

    I talked with difficult child's therapist again this morning to see if he had any other ideas and to confirm what he's going to write in his letter. We agreed that if the iep team will not recommend the county team, then I basicly have no choice but to request an emergency hearing with the judge. She might kick it back and tell me to go thru PO, but PO is a hindrance at worst and worthless at best.

    difficult child is already on a chins (in need of services) but judge told me the county could offer nothing but mst. That is not true, so I will request my hearing based on a chins, just to leave an appropriate paper trail. The letter from psychiatrist will be recommending county team so we can discuss services.

    I only hope and pray that judge doesn't automatically revoke difficult child's suspended sentence and skip the county team. At least I will have a paper trail if she does.

    I checked the website for my congressman- he's very conservative and I'm not holding my breath that he'll help. Anyway, I was going to call but there is an online form that you have to print out and sign a release of information and mail or fax to them with your issue and what you need help with before they will do anything. I can't get that done today- I need to call PEATC and a few other people as soon as my phone battery charges up. I also need to finish my work for IEP meeting tomorrow.

    I am so worried about where difficult child is going to end up and what is going to happen to him there and whether or not he'll ever be able to come back home. therapist said as unfortunate as it is, this is bound to end up in front of judge at some point. I said I think so too and I'd much rather it end up in front of her before difficult child breaks another law. At least there is a chance then that she won't have him locked up in corrections. But, going this route means the best hoope is a court ordered county help so PO would be leading the team and I would no longer be in control of making choices about difficult child's mental health treatment.

    That just keeps me in tears.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm going to email you my phone number(s)... there is something called FAPT that you can request a referral to through social services at the county, but I need to remember how I got Youngset into it. I've still got my big-a** file with all the paperwork. I can tell you I had to fight tooth and nail for the services, VA does not make it easy, but eventually I got Youngest what she needed.

    Don't give up hope.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's the county team I'm referring to- access is controlled by each county's requirements. I'm being told I can only get access by referral from school, county mental health/Children Services Board (CSB), or courts. Mental health/Children Services Board (CSB) is out because there are walls that make it impossible. It's actullay Children Services Board (CSB) you have to go thru if you go that route, but you can't access anyone at Children Services Board (CSB) without going through county mental health. I can't stand them but even so, now I'm being told that I can't go thru them even if I wanted to.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    First, (((hugs))). I know where you are coming from. I pulled Tigger out of school twice because they couldn't/wouldn't understand that school anxiety was their problem as well as mine.

    Do you know what you want them to do? I know you want them to refer him up to the county level (I'm assuming that is what we call co-op -- a group of school districts that have worked together to create more Special Education services than any one of them could offer independently).

    Let's brainstorm what he needs to be successful at school:

    Clearly there is an anxiety/school phobia issue. Why? Does he feel stupid? unliked by peers? unwanted by staff? does he fear the bus? He may have many fears of a much younger child due to his disabilities.

    Does he have any learning disabilities? If so, when were these diagnosed and by whom? If not, did testing rule it out? if so, which tests, when and given by whom?

    What else does he say about school? both positive and negative?
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Right.. what I"m going to do is pull my file, and my journals (I kept a record of all of the process) and figure out how I got her to FAPT ... because once I got there, it got many balls rolling. She had a private therapist but still got services, we didn't have to use county mental health. She also was on CHINS.

    There may be mild differences between counties, but I'd bet there are many similarities too.
  6. klmno,

    I am so sorry you are having such difficulty getting the help for your difficult child. My heart goes out to you in your struggle.

    Can I ask why he doesn't seem to go to school? Is it just a matter of refusal or what?

    I ask because I have difficulty with my son. This morning, I had trouble waking him up, and then he was not wanting to get dressed. He just wanted to go back to sleep. He was claiming he didn't feel good, but I wasn't buying it. I told him he couldn't stay home and even if he wasn't home he would be really bored because the cable was out which meant no internet, no xbox live, no phone because I don't have the money until Thursday to pay the cable bill. This got him up, but he was crying. When we got to school - late, he was very clingy and crying. I truly think that it is his anxiety talking - its a constant problem with him. He is not stable at all, still showing signs of being manic. We are in the process of trialing Depakote.

    Anyway, I sincerely hope you get what you need for your difficult child without it coming to him getting locked up.


  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Actually, JJJ, I NEED the county team on board but not for school issues- not because I need MORE from the school. This is the team that allows and provides funding for any kind of services to a family. It could be child care so I can go to work, it could be financial help paying bills so I can stay home with difficult child when he's unstable, it could be in home crisis help when needed, it could be Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when needed (which could be very soon)). The only chance/way that school can legitimately request this, since the problem isn't needed more from school, is the fact that difficult child isn't getting to school. It's a stretch I know but they CAN refer it. If I can get them to, then I stay the one making choices (within reason) of difficult child's mental health treatment and I still have a voice heard about whether or not a provided service is helping or not helping.

    If it's court ordered, someone else says "we'll give you and difficult child this" and I have no choice but to go thru it. Based on how mst got ordered and the way I was treated thru tthat, I am sure that no one pays too much attention about what a family really needs when deciding what they'll provide when the courts are involved.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks JJJ and BD0- but really, right now it's a good thing he's not going to school- it's the only means I have to get the school to do anything, rather than the courts. See, the issue isn't JUST that he's not going to school- but NO ONE will pay attention to any other issue- unless he breaks another law, then it's too late. I'm trying to get help on many fronts- if he was going to school, I would have no chance of getting anything. Don't get me wrong- I'm not telling difficult child this and am certainly not encouraging him or aiding him in staying home from school. But it is a way to try to get the school to refer the team.
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I just don't have any answers. I am so sorry. I feel you frustration and it makes me feel so bad.
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Rest assured, as I just put in my PM to you, that once he gets to FAPT, it won't matter where the referral came from. So honestly, don't lose sleep about WHO refers him or HOW he gets there. Once he's in front of them, they make recommendations across the agencies. I would use whatever means you need to get him there.

    Technically, he is breaking the law by not going to school. He's probably violting his CHINS already (maybe your way to get back to court to request FAPT?) If anxiety is keeping him from going to school, all the more reason to request urgent help for him.

    Keep fighting, mama bear. :)
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Mental instability- extreme mood cycling-Bipolar is keeping him from getting to school. Whether or not anxiety is in there is anyone's guess- probably- depending upon what cycle he's in.

    But, it's also keeping me from working full-time too- either directly (when I have to stay home with him) or indirectly (when I have to cart him from one appointment to another).

    Also, as therapist pointed out- he's truant but not breaking law because he's ill. Like, if he was too physically ill to attend school. School would still have to address that, correct?

    That's our planned approach, anyway.
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, there is a valid reason for him to be missing, for sure. In my difficult child's case, honestly, I used whatever means I could to get her help.. and if showing that she was truant because of her instability (she's also bipolar) was a way to get her help, I did it.

    Yes, that should be addressed in his IEP.. in my difficult child's case, it got her into therapeutic day school eventually, through the IEP/school district.

    There's a big picture though, and that's what FAPT can address. School, court involvement, mental instability, all of it. That's why it's a multi-disciplinary team, and their goal is to come up with a treatment plan that will cover ALL those bases, so you don't have to fight with each individual agency to get what you need.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks so much for all your help!! I REALLY appreciate it!

    the hope of course, Plan A anyway, is to get the IEP team to see that we should skip the other options and shoot straight for fapt.

    Wouldn't it be the PO that reported the fapt recommendations/ etc to the judge?
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't think there would be anything to report to the judge, unless FAPT requests some sort of services through the court. The only time the judge would come into play is if he broke the law again, and even then, you could bring advocates with you to show what you are doing to help your difficult child, and request that he not be placed in detention. Neither the judge, nor the PO, can have any say over in-home therapy, school placement, etc. that is part of the FAPT treatment plan.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I've been emailed- meeting tomorrow will only last one hour. That's supposed to have all iep issues, including his not getting to school, discussed and agreed upon and written up. Ha Ha.... I wish they would go ahead and tell me if there's any chance at all of them recommending the fapt thru this. If not, I'd go to courthouse right now and ask for a hearing.

    difficult child- he's so obviously unstable. But the more I see him as unstable the more I get depressed, more I get frustrated, and more I love him.

    He seemed so stable last night. Then woke up in a rage and refused to take medications. Then got out of bed and locked himself in office to get on computer and cranked up music with filthy lyrics. My guess is that he was also looking up porn. Then, about 10:00, he came out and took medications and was sweet. Then, he locked himself in his bedroom- I think with a razor in there. Please don't ask why I don't search his room and take it. It isn't that easy and I do search his rooom when he's not home and take anything inappropriate or dangerous.

    Then, he came out and ate. He's been in his room the rest of the time on a cleaning spree. He's being as sweet as he can be but he's on a mission now. And, he just came downstairs to tell me he's going to take the school district to the supreme court because the clocks in his school are set 5 mins off real time. He let me kiss him on the cheek. Me on the other hand, sit here trying not to cry and can't find motivation to do any cleaning. And the rest of the house seriously needs it.

    Well- he hasn't been agressive/violent in 8 days now- I tend to think that part was the depakote. I just hate it that we are probably looking at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) situation even though he can go mos and be stable- my therapist yesterday said "but it could take a while to get him stable from this and he was aggressive toward you last week- he should be in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)". I don't see why- I just want help with him. He isn't agressive all the time and he's not cycling all the time. But when he is, geez, all I can think is that he HAS to go live somewhere else. But today is one of those days where he clearly isn't stable but I'm really not mad at him.
  16. compassion

    compassion Member

    KLMNO, Yeh for the progress!!!!! I agree it takes a long time for stabilization. I am also commtted to keeping my difficult child at home. I have to accept she does cycle, she is hormonal, but in general it is much, much better. Day 50 !!! Compassion
  17. ML

    ML Guest

    I feel so frustrated by this situation. The circular runaround logic that leads no where.

    I am so sorry. Please know that I have you in my good thoughts and prayers. You are one of the best advocates I know.

    Let me know if you can think of anything I can do to help.


  18. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds like he really cycles rapidly. I'm glad there is some progress, though.

    You are doing a GREAT job. Good luck tomorrow!!
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks- I don't think this is normal for him- the medications in November seemed to have knocked him out of kelter- as Smallworld told me.

    We had dinner, then he talked to me incessantly for about 45 mins- in that conversation about everything under the sun, he said he knew he was manic or hypomanic (he said he couldn't tell the difference).

    Then, he did a pile of school work and now he's cleaning the upstairs bath. He swears he's going to school tomorrow (he should have been in bed an hour ago)

    Still, I'll take this over aggression and violent innuendos.

    Did you get my pm?
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Klmno, I just wanted to lend support. He sounds like a neat kid and can defintely do well in the right situation.
    I've got my fingers crossed for the meeting tomorrow.
    I'm glad CrazyinVA could offer info.