This is weird, right?

[Methuselah]

I need the opinion of this wise board.


I have posted in the past the troubles and frustrations we have had with our high schoolers' vice principal.

Today, I received a voice mail from her asking me to call her, because she did something for difficult child 2 she wanted to let me know about. I called her and she told me she (a 60 year old woman) gave difficult child 2 (a 15 year old girl) some of her old clothes. She said she gave them to her because difficult child 2 is small like she used to be. (difficult child 2 is 5'4.5 and 140 lbs., not so small). I told her it was inappropriate and to please take them back. difficult child 2, I know, would gratefully give them back as for the past two weeks she has been claiming this woman is stalking her at school. She said no matter where she is the woman is near her. This is at a school of 4,300 students. It has really weirded my daughter out. I thought my daughter was being sensitive. Now? Not so much.

This is weird, right? I mean, what administrator gives an obviously not destitute student clothes out of their closet? Without their parents' permission?

This is the same woman who didn't notify us when a girl beat difficult child 2 up at school. I had to contact her! I mean, really! It is all so weird.....

I'm calling the principal tomorrow to let her know our concerns and to request a different VP.

(Also, sorry I haven't replied much. difficult child 1 is making me crazier by the day.)

 

[InsaneCdn]

in my opinion - this is beyond inappropriate.
If "something" is making your daughter feel uncomfortable... the problem does not lie with your daughter.
School admin, no less... not some first-year teacher.

 

[DaisyFace]

Methuselah--

I *might* think it was weird if the same stuff didn't routinely happen to my difficult child, too...

In our case, difficult child has told so many darn sob stories (o poor me! poor me!) about her horrific parents (they never buy, do, support) and her terrible life (we are so poor! I have nothing!) that many, many people over the years have given difficult child hand-me-downs. And often, these are people that she does not know very well - an older neighbor, a friend's parent, I'm can't remember whether any teachers gave her clothes....I know they've given her other stuff...

and every time I've been embarassed and tried to arrange for difficult child to give the items back...

but I might as well have been speaking Martian...
becuase these folks were absolutely convinced that difficult child "needed" them and they were going to help!


Hopefully, you will be able to get the principal to respect some boundaries...

and if not, dispose of the clothes yourself.

 

[klmno]

LOL! I'm not laughing at you- it's that my mother used to have a best friend that was an administrator at a HS and I can see her doing something like that- yes, as musch as most people wouldn't think it's a good idea. Some of these people really get too much of an idea that they are 'all that' and just choose a kid to take under their wing and that 'everyone would think it's wonderful' if they did something like this for the kid. I would be worried about a sexual intent except it's a 60yo woman so I find that less likely. She probably just doesn't 'get it' at all. I definnitely think you're right by having your daughter refuse the clothing and letting higher ups know about it. I still think I'd laugh when telling the principal- that might actually be more effective.

 

[Methuselah]

Daisy,

In this case, I am confident difficult child 2 hasn't conned the woman into giving her her clothes. difficult child 2 thinks this woman is strange and tries her best to stay far away from her. Plus, she is wise enough to know not to con the woman who can send her to jail school.

It is everything else, too. It is all weird. Very, very weird.

 

[Star*]

Oh for the days of "poor me" and the principal and school police officer feeling sorry for POOR Dude.

When he was in school? The boy could spin a yarn. The day he went to school and told them I threw out his books, burned his clothes and punched him in the eye was the absolute cherry on top! I had the school resource officer wanting to strangle me, put me in handcuffs, and bury me UNDER the school. She was 5'0 in heels, I'm 5'8" - She's 100 lbs soaking wet - I'm 170. She's an officer of the law - I used to box -my father was a Golden Gloves boxer.....if I hit you a.) you're NOT going to school and b.) You're not going to school without a black eye or a few missing teeth c.) I've never ever struck my children. (maybe that should be a). So we get there and all I hear is "Well get to the bottom of this Dude, and you can rest assured SOMEONE WILL be going to jail for this abuse!!!" and I hear this and I think - OMG someone hit my son - and NOW I AM ANGRY - and the resource office takes one look at me - I'm in heels - now nearly 6' tall - and I look at Dude she looks at Dude and I said "WHO HIT WHOM?" and the officer accused ME of hitting him and DF laughed and said "Lady I'm know MEN that would not go up against her - are you kidding me?" and in the end - it took everything she had to apologize to me, not kill Dude - and that was about the end of his High school career with everyone feeling so sorry and taking him under their wing....

I don't know if this is a case of maybe the principal is keeping an extra EYE on your daughter and she's cooked this stuff up to get her to STOP watching her moves so closely????? Or what - but something doesn't add up, and I'm not 100% believing the story difficult child is telling you.

As far as the clothes? This woman could not POSSIBLY have anything in the same style for a teen - so I'd actually be honest about that and tell her while you appreciate it - nothing was her style and you'll donate it to Goodwill - if she thought she was helping - either way - THAT would either STOP her from helping ie: daughter was lying and didn't really NEED the clothes. or ie: She is a stalker and you donated her gift because it wasn't good enough - so maybe she'll stop.

I'd want a meeting with the principal and her both - and not so sure I'd want my difficult child in there - I'd want to hear the adult version first.

Best of luck.

 

[Methuselah]

Klmno, the VP may have good intentions, but this is the same woman who didn't let us know difficult child 2 was beat up by a girl at school. If she really cared, she would have called about that. But she didn't.

This woman is an arrogant koi. My experience with her has been one nightmare after another.

 

[Methuselah]

Insane, this woman has been around the block. She is no newbie.

The clothes are one incident in a chain of weird happenings.

 

[Methuselah]

Star, both my difficult children are experts at "poor, poor, pitiful me" cons. In this case, I don't believe difficult child 2 is running a con. She sat at the table last week going on and on about how the VP stalks her. How uncomfortable it makes her. How the VP waits outside her classroom door, walks her down the hall, etc. I don't think this was a con. I think the VP crossed a boundary.

 

[klmno]

Oh I get it- the administrator I referred to, who was the best friend of my mother, decided it would be a good idea to show my son her pistol that she kept in her closet, and tell him where she kept it, when he was 4yo because he would be impressed by it. I swear! And my mother knew it! These people really DO get so arrogant that no matter what they do, it's supposed to be acceptable just because of who they are.

 

[Bunny]

I don't think that your difficult child conned the VP. If she claimes that it all makes her uncomfortable I don't think that she's playing anyone. I would call the principal and ask her if he or she is aware of the VP's actions and tell her that no matter how wonderful the VP thinks this "act of kindness" makes her, it makes your daughter uncomfortable and you want this type of interaction stopped. There is a line and I think that the VP crossed it.

 

[susiestar]

You have to make some choices now and they will have far reaching effects for your daughter.

You can decide this is due to daughter making up stories and the admin being nice but mistaken. This will teach daughter to not tell you when she perceives a problem AND will tell her to not trust her instincts if they say something is really wrong.

You can decide admin is being nice and difficult child just didn't understand . This leads to difficult child not trusting her instincts or you.

You can decide that admin is off her nut or maybe just inappropriate and difficult child is telling you the truth and you can discuss it with principal and admin and support difficult child. This will let difficult child trust you AND HERSELF/HER INSTINCTS and may stop this pattern of strange behavior by admin or might make her far worse.

Personally, you seem pretty sure difficult child isn't running a con. Even if you have some questions/doubt, the admin's behavior is past strange. I spoke to husband about this and he thought that it was way over the line. He has a lot of experience with school admins because his dad was one and married another school official. there is NO WAY this is normal behavior.

It could be said that the admin was around your daughter in the school by coincidence. It just doesn't sound like it to me, esp after the clothes thing. I don't know how to handle it except to tell hte admin that difficult child has plenty of clothing and give them back. Make SURE that the principal is there when you discuss it. From this point on you should NEVER have a discussion with this woman without someone else there and you need to send an email summary of any discussion so that you have a written record of events.

By acting on this you do more than address the problem. You tell difficult child that no matter what she should listen to her instincts when they say that something is very wrong. This is one of the important things for us to teach our kids, esp our daughters. Listening to that feeling that something is wrong is important for our safety, but too many of us ignore it because we don't want to seem silly or hysterical or like we blow things out of proportion.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Some people just go way too far and think it is okay because they have a certain job or position or amt of money.

 

[Methuselah]

Bunny, my difficult child 2 is an attention w****. She lives for the kind of attention the VP is giving her. When she says she is icked out by her and does everything to avoid her, my hackles are up.

We are going to meet with the principal. difficult child 2 just informed me a girl kicked her in the lower back last week, and the VP, once again, didn't inform me.

 

[Methuselah]

Susiestar, thank you so much for your thoughtful advice. I appreciate you asking your husband's opinion. We are going to request a new VP for all our children. I don't want this woman talking to my kids.

 

[DDD]

I totally agree with Susie. This is the time to step up to the plate and reenforce your daughter's instincts. I've been trying to think what the motivations might be. Like klmno it is doubtful that it is sexual. It could be that your daughter really reminds her of her youth for some reason. It could be that she is regretting that she did not have her own family. It could be that she has a MH problem. Whatever the trigger is for her attention it must stop.

Obviously I have never had this type of experience but I "think" prior to the meeting you need to figure out exactly what you want the P to do. I don't know the history so I can't suggest ideas but a complaint without specific action goals may just make the situation a little more awkward for your difficult child. I don't know if your difficult child has friends (many of ours don't) but if so I would suggest that she use the "buddy" system at school so she can't be alone and feeling vulnerable. Good luck to you! DDD

 

[JJJ]

Creepy. I'm glad you are meeting with the principal.

 

[DaisyFace]

You have to make some choices now and they will have far reaching effects for your daughter.

You can decide this is due to daughter making up stories and the admin being nice but mistaken. This will teach daughter to not tell you when she perceives a problem AND will tell her to not trust her instincts if they say something is really wrong.

You can decide admin is being nice and difficult child just didn't understand . This leads to difficult child not trusting her instincts or you.

You can decide that admin is off her nut or maybe just inappropriate and difficult child is telling you the truth and you can discuss it with principal and admin and support difficult child. This will let difficult child trust you AND HERSELF/HER INSTINCTS and may stop this pattern of strange behavior by admin or might make her far worse.

Personally, you seem pretty sure difficult child isn't running a con. Even if you have some questions/doubt, the admin's behavior is past strange. I spoke to husband about this and he thought that it was way over the line. He has a lot of experience with school admins because his dad was one and married another school official. there is NO WAY this is normal behavior.

I would like to point out that it is also possible that difficult child 2 is NOT running a con....at least not on purpose, per se...but still managed to draw the VP's unwanted attention on herself.

When I talked about my difficult child in my earlier post? I do not believe that my difficult child was out to get clothing, school supplies, and other assorted gifts from near strangers. But - she DOES have the nasty habit of constantly spinning tales designed to evoke pity from others...and I don't think she thinks at all about how this is perceived. Most of the time, adults will see through her stories...but on those other times? It can bring a lot of trouble that difficult child didn't plan on.

I do think that Susie is right about this being a good life lesson...

And along with teaching her to trust her instincts, you may end up teaching her to be careful what kind of attention she is drawing to herself (if she is indeed telling "poor me!" tales)...

Good luck! (and let us know how things go...)