This Jody had to make a new account-Need advice.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Doglover8, Sep 30, 2014.

  1. Doglover8

    Doglover8 New Member

    Okay so I haven't been around in awhile. Needing advice. My difficult child is 16 now. Shes got 4 F's and one D- and a B. She smokes pot all the time and cigarettes. She's also now decided she is gay and has a girlfriend. She is very public about it. She can't live at home, so she's just kind of out there. She wouldnt go to school, but she wanted to do everything else. She was sick from bronchitis, from her heavy smoking. She missed over a week, but since then continues to miss. She has been out sick more than half the time since school started on August 28th. She did spend the night last night and was super good, but i can't let her back in for good. I make sure she's safe at night and where she is. She has gone back to her old foster home (not in care). They love her and are watching out for her too. I was started to have a mental breakdown like I have done before and I'm so not going there again if I can help it. It took me over a year to get back on track. I don't care what sex she is interested in, and as I say that it still doesn't sound truthful to me as I hear myself say it. Ugh. I like the girl and she's very nice, I just wish she weren't so open about it. I am afraid she will be hurt over it. She is going to homecoming with this girl this weekend. There isn't anything that i can do about it. Does anyone here have an openly gay teenager or do you know of teenagers that are in a relationship with their same sex. Any advice how to move past this.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    What part of the country do you live in, Jody? The reaction by her peers and their parents will be different in different places. I think that I hear you saying that you are fine with her sexual orientation and that you worry for her happiness if she is made fun of for it. I think that is normal and caring.

    I come from a very open minded part of the country recently transplanted to a very closed minded part of the country. So, I'm fairly open minded. I'd ask you to have a conversation with yourself about your daughter's openness about her girlfriend from a purposely skewed point of view - as if her girlfriend were a boy. (Because you love your daughter no matter what and you want the best for her - it's clear from what you have written.) Ask yourself:

    "Does she love him?" "Is he more good than bad for her?" "Will he treat her well?" If the answers to those questions is "yes", or even "mostly yes", then I feel that you should recognize that it doesn't really matter that "he" is really "she". Kids are pretty open minded now about sexuality, even in more conservative areas. At the same time, if your daughter was dating a boy who had a physical deformity or was the class nerd her classmates and their parents would notice that as well, and some of them might pick on her for it. How would you deal with that? Would you support her and her boyfriend under those circumstances? Of course you would. :)

    The pot smoking, the cigs, the missing school... ugh. All problematic and all of her own doing. She's not going to stop any of that unless and until she sees the benefit in stopping. Her sexual orientation is probably not something she "decided". It may be a fad, but probably not. Have you talked to her about it? Has she always been this way? Of course you love her so it doesn't matter whether she was or not, but she may need to hear those words from you. You've always loved her and you always will, and who she loves isn't going to change that.

  3. Doglover8

    Doglover8 New Member

    Thanks Witzend, I live in Central Illinois. She has always had boyfriends, this just came out fairly new. She really likes this young lady and she is very nice and does things with her. I know that i dont believe in lot's of public displays of affection, male/female female/female or male/male. But holding hands should be fine. It's strange in our area to see children be so bold with the outward display of affection to the same sex. I was disowned for my choice in partner's because he was of a different race. I was banned from homes, and looked at horribly. I knew it wasnt wrong, and i was head strong like my difficult child. I had taken insults from my own mother all of my life so strangers really couldnt do a whole lot to me. My daughter hasn't experienced any of that. So it's her choice, she's just going to have to handle it.
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Part 1-If she is 16 and couch surfing with the old foster family then she is technically a run away. Contact the police or take the steps to make her a foster legally. Should something happen to her you could be held responsible for endangering the safety of a minor by not raising her.

    Part 2-While I realize your child may face additional guff because she is gay I can tell you that I wouldn't worry about it. Most of the drama in the relationship will be something she would have to deal with regardless of sexual orientation. The extra stuff....well kids just aren't as close minded as we used to be growing up. my difficult child's school the girls bounced back and forth all the time. It was the "thing to do" to be a lesbian. That was a really small southern religious farming community.

    Part 3-The drugs/school issue. Call the principal the minute you find out she is skipping. Report it and do whatever the principal says is the next step. The drugs all you can hope for is that she either gets help or stops doing them on her own. You can offer it but you can't make it happen.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I can't disagree with a single thing that dstc had to recommend. I think that knowing where she is at I would let her know that for her safety and support - she'll have access to medical care, etc... - I would tell her that it's not because you don't love her or you want her to be in trouble, but you have to report her as a runaway because it is your legal responsibility.

    When M declared he was going to go live with someone who loved him better than we did, while I was furious that this woman was such a moron, husband and I also had a (she didn't know it) non-binding agreement written up that said that she understood that M was in her home against our wishes and that she would not hold us accountable for any damamges incurred while he was residing with her. Now, that could have protected us if he accidentally set her sofa or kitchen on fire and she sued us, but legally we were still responsible for him anywhere other than her home. Reporting her as a runaway so that she will be a real foster at the foster home protects everyone. Perhaps you could get the foster mom and her together to make this happen?

    Foster care doesn't have to be shameful. If it is what is working for her, then everyone should support it and she should put a real commitment into it. I suspect she just doesn't want to abide by the foster's rules. With no legal agreement, that's bad news waiting to happen.
  6. Doglover8

    Doglover8 New Member

    She has remained friendly with them and so have I. I am willing right now to just let it be. My mind can't take more right now. I don't want anymore counseling or anymore appointments, and I just want to get her to the point she can take care of herself and make some good decisions. She's just too young yet, but still wants all the benefits of being an adult.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jody....I dont know what to say about the rest of it but I will address the sexuality bit. She is 16. It is not uncommon for girls especially to experiment during their teen years. This doesnt mean she will be gay for life. I have this philosophy that says that a person can find a soul-mate, true love...whatever you want to call any sort of body. The gender doesnt define love. There may actually be one person of the same sex out there in the world for everyone but most people never find that person so they are just fine and dandy with the person they are with. I dont know if that makes sense in

    When I was a teen I thought I was going to be gay. Or maybe I was bi. Maybe I still am. I still find some women extremely attractive but I dont want to date anyone because I am in a relationship. I also find some men extremely attractive. Since I am disabled my picks are all on TV so its unlikely any of them are going to come knocking on my Anyway as I was saying...when I was in my late teens I had a girlfriend who I thought I would love forever. Obviously it didnt last. I still have a soft spot in my heart for her. I hope she is doing well. After her I ended up back dating guys and had my kids. Was it just a fad? Am I in the closet? who really knows. I most likely will never have another serious relationship because Im too sick and too old for anyone to want to take me on.

    I have always told my boys and I meant it, I didnt care if they were gay, straight, dating martians or anything else as long as they were happy and the person treated them well. Thats worked in our family.
  8. Doglover8

    Doglover8 New Member

  9. Doglover8

    Doglover8 New Member

    Thank you Janet. That was helpful. In the end all I want is for her to find happiness in her every day. I don't want sadness and depression and problem after problem for her.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I live in rural Wisconsin and at Jumper's school nobody gave a crapola if you were gay or straight. I do think it matters where you live though. The youngest of the young don't seem to give homosexuality the importance it had in the past. My daughter is friends with both gay boys and girls.
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  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nothing to add but sending some hugs your way.
  12. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Also Sending Hugs
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Lots of great ideas and experience here.
    Just sending {{hugs}}.