MeowBunny, I want to thank you for your sweet note and words of hope. Since the "diagnosis" yesterday I have literally been in a haze, not able to take my mind off my child and not able to get off the computer. I have made phone calls, done research, talked to people, prayed, prayed some more, etc. I just wish I could take my son to a deserted island, detox his system, feed him all organic foods, and make it all better. My instinct tells me this would improve his behavior and mood but there is still an underlying illness that is causing this chaos.
We have spent so much time with a behavioral therapist who has focused on discipline, rules, boundaries...and yet, now my heart and mind are telling me this is a sickness and he needs positive, therapeutic support. I feel guilty of course for the possibility I have handled this the wrong way from the beginning. You are right, though, there is always hope and that is what I am clinging to.
I do have a glimmer of hope to report to you all. My son spent 8 weeks at a reputable (a legitimate, therapeutic, positive) wilderness program this summer. It was quite expensive and we missed him terribly, but he came back with skills and a sense of self confidence he will have forever. I spoke with this facility today, as I am desperately searching for the right place to put my son right now, and they referred me to an Educational Consultant. I spoke at length with him today and man does he know his stuff! He charges a hefty fee but he will assist us in finding the right place. He said alot of therapists use the term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as a "one size fits all" term, but in reality there are lots of different kinds of facilities for these kids/teens. His job is to gather our info, speak to my son's doctors and teachers, the family, my son, etc, and compile a list of places that would be a fit. He would be our guide thru this for one year, manage the communication bt us and the facility, etc. He works for us, not the facilities, and he works with about 150 families per year. This is a plus because he has heard it all and knows the ins and outs, pros and cons, of these treatment centers. He is a therapist with over 15 years of experience himself and even created programs for troubled kids in the past.
Just speaking to him and knowing he understands my pain gave me hope! He had to send his 17 year old daughter to a program at one point, and he admitted how scary it is not to know where to turn with your child. I think we are going to do this. I am willing to spend whatever I have to if it helps my child. Lord, I wish he came with a manual. I desperately want to protect his soul and self esteem. I just have this awful fear that I am losing him and I am unable to help him. The thought of sending him away for a year or more is killing me. He has only been out of our home, living with his grandparents, for 5 days now, and I am barely making it. I can't even walk by his room. I feel I have abandoned him in so many ways and it is hard to stay focused on getting him help.
Well, I sure appreciate all your kind words of support and encouragement. I am so thankful to have found this site!