This needs to stop.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Starsatnight, Mar 7, 2016.

  1. Starsatnight

    Starsatnight New Member

    I can't help my adult son.
    I've got to help me. I could list the litany of behaviors and concerns I have about my son-but I am exhausted. I want to stop and get off his merry-go-round.
    I love him fiercely. But I can't help him.
    Can I please let go? How do I show love and care without complete severing of the relationship? I want out of his mind, it is driving me crazy.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome.

    You haven't told us any of the story, so we don't know what you are dealing with. We also don't know how old he is. (Sorry, personal bias: a 19 year old isn't the same situation as a 39 year old)

    If the major problem is addiction or substance abuse, you will find good help on the Substance Abuse forum.

    If the major problem is developmental and mental health issues, you are welcome to come post on Failure to Thrive.

    And if you can't figure out what the problem is, or if it seems to be mostly bad choices, you might want to post on Parent Emeritus.

    Any of these other forums will likely get you more responses. "General" is mostly for kids under the age of 18.

    Meanwhile... look for any post by "recoveringenabler". She has a link in her signature to a really good article on detachment. It's posted somewhere on these forums but I can never remember exactly where.
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think I might start on Parents Emeritus or PE. That is where I started out.

    Take care,

  4. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

  5. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Sorry you're having such a hard time. I feel your pain. I have two I'm dealing with. One is 20 and the other is 10. (((((HUGS)))))
  6. Starsatnight

    Starsatnight New Member

    Thank you. Very much. My son is 20. Is depressed and is exhibiting signs of an eating disorder. He is living on his own, is going to college and is working. He lived with us for 8 months, shut down but I insisted he get help, get a job etc... I pushed hard, told him he needed to keep moving forward etc... All what I just explained is quite a bit more bland than the constant darkness and manipulation I constantly "fought" with. He refused help. I made the calls. He didn't follow through. I know he is in a dark place, and he isn't rational, and yet when I threatened him with moving out immediately, he did get a job. He did start college, almost a year later and a sophomore in college--but he is sinking again. And, I love him, but I am stepping aside. Hes's so thin, so scary thin. He has become isolated, socially withdrawn. And when he is around people, he finds a way to belittle them so he can stay away. Again, I don't have the strength to explain what all has transpired. He isn't home now, and he says he is going to sleep in a car this summer rather than move home. That's ok! Alright...not really...but if that is what he chooses, than so be it.
    I have read the link to the detachment...THANK YOU.
  7. Starsatnight

    Starsatnight New Member

    I'm so sorry! I have no eloquence right now. I sound so trite...
  8. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    How hard this must be for you and how sad your son must feel. My son is also 20 and has such a low self opinion of himself that he wasn't eating, showering, washing his clothes, cleaning his room, etc. He was also using drugs, and when he wouldn't look for a job or look at community college, we kicked him out, but told him if he went to rehab and actively participated, we would consider letting him come back home....which he did. I don't know if your son is using drugs, but my son had gotten so skinny he was almost see through. He was gaunt in his face and never ever slept well, if at all. He was raging all the time. He had become a meth addict.

    When he came back home, I told him that I loved him, but that it was unacceptable to treat me the way he was treating me, and that if he ever treated me that way again, I would put him out of the house again. Luckily, he hasn't behaved that way since. He has his hard days because he deals with cravings that are difficult to fight, but on a whole he is doing much better. He tried counseling after rehab but never really connected with anyone well.

    I also stopped giving him money, and I will not support his smoking habit. I put gas in his car every once in a while, but he has to work for it. He hates not having any money, and has been working hard to try to find a new job.

    Right now my goal is to try to inspire him to be a better person and to work on himself. I have been trying to lovingly disengage from him, and I think it's working. It's not perfect because I have a hard time saying no completely to him, but I keep trying.

    Since your son has a job, is going to college and is living out of your house, I think just listening to him and letting him know you care about him is good enough. I think the whole "I'm going to live in my car" thing is just to get a rise out of you. My son did that, and I didn't allow myself to feed into it. I wish I could offer some better ideas, but we're still a work in progress ourselves. I can offer you sympathy and hug, though.
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  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sorry, Starsatnight. It's tough to feel that way, but it's more a feeling than reality. Around here... feel free to unload, ignore whether you think you are eloquent or not (most of us here, are NOT eloquent, myself included)
    This is a safe place, even when we are ranting or rambling.
  10. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    And to give you hope you are winning the battle he began working and going to college now its not perfect there still his isolation problem but one step at a time one step at a time you are doing great.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He sounds like basically a nice young man who may have some problems with socializing or trying new things. What was he like as a child? Many invisible challenges can stop otherwise nice young people, such as a non verbal learning dialsability and mild autistic traits. Depression is very common with both. Not saying he has any issues but I just found out that I do. Its too late for me at 62, but your son is so young. Has he always had certain behaviors that hsmpered him? Poor social skills? Anxiety eith change or starting new activities?