This wedding is getting stranger by the minute...

[gcvmom]

So I received an invitation today to my brother's wedding reception. No mention of a ceremony whatsoever.

WHY would his fiance be talking about bridesmaids, matron of honor and groomsmen if there is no ceremony?

Or could it be that I am not invited to the ceremony? I'm peeved enough that my kids aren't invited to this, but I'm really going to be miffed if he's having a ceremony and I'm not invited.

I just left him a message asking him if there is a ceremony. We'll see if I get a reply.

 

[susiestar]

Are you still planning on going if there is no ceremony, just a reception? Will you bring a gift? I am never sure of the etiquette of gifts if even family can't come to the ceremony. Had a relative like that but refused to go or even send a card. Of course, I never could stand her.

 

[Lothlorien]

Are they eloping, possibly? If not, perhaps they are having a very small, intimate thing with just them and the wedding party? I dunno

 

[gcvmom]

I don't know yet if I'll go if there's no ceremony. As it is, we'll have to pay for a sitter, and the reception location is a good hour away, so we're out $20 just getting there and back, not counting the actual time there. I already ordered a gift for them. I'm just feeling pi$$y today I guess -- hormones and headache. Grrrr.

 

[gcvmom]

Are they eloping, possibly? If not, perhaps they are having a very small, intimate thing with just them and the wedding party? I dunno

I'm going to try to keep from getting upset until I hear what's going on straight from the horse's mouth. The bride only has one brother, and the groom only has one sister (me). How can two siblings equal a crowd? I know it's their choice, but if they're choosing to exclude us, why even bother involving us in any of this? I'm just confused.

 

[trinityroyal]

Gcv, I think it's a good plan to wait until you find out what the plan is, before you decide how to react.

That said, I remember years ago around here, it became trendy to have separate guest lists for the ceremony and reception. You would invite the "A list" to everything, and the "B list" to just the reception. The expectation was that everyone would give gifts or whatever.

I thought the whole thing was tacky. If you're close enough family or friend to be invited to the wedding, you should be included in all of it.

However, no sense getting miffed until you know for sure that there's something to be miffed about. Hoping that it's some sort of misprint and not an insult.

Trinity

 

[WhymeMom?]

Okay, lets pretend they are getting married in a hot air balloon and there is only room for bride, groom, priest/pastor and two witnesses.......... do you still want to go to the ceremony? I would ask if you are interested in going to the ceremony, but if I was given the choice I would skip the ceremony and hit the reception big time....... that's really where they will be spending their money for food, drink, entertainment........ and I would get my money's worth........

 

[Shari]

Aren't they getting you flowers???

For a reception?

How odd.

 

[Andy]

Have they just come back from Vegas or another place they could have eloped to?

Maybe someone forgot to include the ceremony page in the envelopes?

When I got married, my friend asked who all was invited. I didn't mention her mom because I figured she already knew that - she and her mom were close and would have shared the invite news. Wedding day came and no friend's mom. I asked her about it afterwards and she said, "She wasn't invited." I knew I sent her an invite and felt bad when friend said she was trying to find out by asking me the guest list. A few weeks later, the invite was found at friend's mom's house. Somehow it got set aside and not seen.

I think I am not the only waiting to see how this one turns out. I do hope it is in your favor.

 

[gcvmom]

So my brother I think will foreverafter be referred to as The Big Doofus. Maybe I'll just shorten it to Big D.

Big D called me tonight to say that the reason they didn't send out ceremony invitations is because they've already talked to the people who are coming to the ceremony.

Me: So I'm not invited to the wedding ceremony?
Big D: Of course you are!
Me: When were you planning on telling me about it?
Big D: I thought someone already had.
Me: Well, no one has told me anything, and I think you'd better call Mom because she's just as confused as I was. Can you tell me WHEN the ceremony is?
Big D: Ummmm... well, I think it's at 4:00 that day.
Me: Okay, well that's kind of important since I have to get a SITTER and need to know when I'm supposed to be somewhere. Do you know WHERE the ceremony is?
Big D: Well, it's on the way to the reception.
Me: Ummm... do you have an address?
Big D: Well, it's on a cliff overlooking the ocean.
Me: Is it in (city of reception)?
Big D: No, it's in (neighboring city).
Me: Well, maybe you and (fiancee) can figure out the details and let me and Mom know where we're supposed to be and when. Okay?
Big D: Sure thing.

I don't know how this guy has managed to support himself all these years, let alone make it to the ripe old age of 40 and still be so clueless.

Oh, and my mom must have given him a guilt trip about not inviting my kids because he started in on their reasoning for an adults-only party (fiancee's got a ton of second cousins that are young children -- NO nieces or nephews, though). They figured if they invited mine (his only niece and nephews), they'd have to invite them all. Not my wedding, though I disagree.

Anyway -- guess I'll be standing somewhere on a cliff overlooking the Pacifc ocean around 4:00 one Saturday in May with a dozen people I don't know (not counting my parents, Big D and my spouse -- although I'm starting to think Big D should be lumped in the same group as the strangers) to witness a wedding. Better bring my sunglasses, huh? And then I get to party with about 80 more people I won't know. I hope it's an open bar...

My mom said my dad's already said he doesn't want to go (it's the agoraphobia talking) and he was quite taken aback when she said she was going to go anyway. I think husband and I will offer to take her with us. My mom's oldest brother called her today and was just as confused about not being invited to the ceremony, and wondering why only his wife and his name was on the invite, and not his stepson, too. I just had to laugh. Big D has no idea what this is doing to our side of the family!

 

[Lothlorien]

Big D: Well, it's on a cliff overlooking the ocean.

Better be careful, of someone may just push him over!

 

[house of cards]

Just shaking my head in disbelief.

 

[hearts and roses]

I'm glad you've been invited to both the ceremony and the reception. I'm sure it will be nice once you know where and when to show up!!!

It is becoming more and more common for couples to invite only a smaller more intimate crowd to the ceremony and then every one else to the reception. Years ago, it was more common to include everyone at the ceremony (FREE!) and limit guest for the reception to save money.

As part of his immediate family, I too would be offended if I wasn't invited to both the ceremony and the reception. Kids? I personally enjoy kids at weddings, but sometimes there are certain ceremonies and receptions that warrant finding a sitter and making it adults only. Just my opinion. We went to one of H's cousins weddings a few years ago and after the fact, we realized that it was good we couldn't bring our girls along. They would have been overtired and the atmosphere just wasn't for children. We enjoyed our night without them.

Go and enjoy the celebration of their marriage. Let the rest go. Apparently, his bride to be likes his dufus-ness.

 

[Marguerite]

Gcvmom, as someone from a big family with lots of weddings, and currently heading for Wedding No 2 of my kids within 12 months, so far your brother's wedding sounds fairly normal to me, except for not including the specific ceremony info in the invitation. But from your description, "doofus" would explain that, too.

Not inviting your kids - the explanation of his fiancée's family having lots of kids, too many, at tat lavel and it would cause problems - that makes sense to me. When husband & I married, I WANTED all my nieces & nephews at the wedding (I love kids) and had a devil of a time finding a wedding reception place that would allow this.

Since then, we've hd family weddings where husband & I were invited but not the kids. Where my siblings' kids were also not invited, I could handle that. But one nephew in particular, my brother (the groom's father) made a point of not inviting my kids "because they're not adults yet" but inviting all the other adult nephews/nieces. And as easy child at the time WAS an adult, it was upsetting and embarrassing. We went, easy child was right royally peeved but to a small extent got her point across to the groom when we all had breakfast in the hotel dining room ext morning (bride & groom plus us with our kids, since we all stayed overnight in the same hotel). easy child went up to bride & groom to offer her congratulations and groom said, "I missed seeing you last night." easy child was able to reply, "That's because we weren't invited, so we babysat the younger ones upstairs during the reception."
I was so proud of easy child - she was polite, she was friendly, made it clear she had no hard feelings - but also piled on just enough embarrassment factor.

That marriage lasted 4 months.

When that nephew remarried, it was on a Barrier Reef island and we were not invited. Nobody was, other than his parents, the bride's parents and the groom's sister. Not even groom's sister's kids were invited. We were all told about it afterwards.

With our family weddings, we have had to make some difficult choices about who to invite and who not to. With difficult child 1's wedding I really wanted to invite husband's cousins, but the numbers were blowing out too big and we had to make a harsh decision to not invite them. mother in law wasn't happy about it, plus when husband's cousin has had HER kids getting married and she hasn't invited me and husband, mother in law has been really angry with her. And now it looks like we've just been playing tit for tat, when that's not the case. It simply is difficult we had to draw a line somewhere.

Also, for difficult child 1's wedding we had to say, "No kids". It was beside a creek and on the beach, so it was dangerous for little kids. A few cousins couldn't come because they had little kids and couldn't afford a sitter. One or two insisted on bringing their kids and in a couple of cases I allowed this but said, "YOU must watch them yourselves, we can't take chances." In a couple of cases the parents brought a sitter to stay on the beach with the little ones which worked out. For us.

One possible option is to ask your bro's new wife, "If I cover the cost of the meal for my kids, would it be OK to bring them?" It is OK etiquette in Australia to do this, I don't know about in your neck of the woods.

But really, don't you want to enjoy a lovely time playing at being a dressed up grown-up without having to worry about your kids staying in control?

A suggestion - if your dad isn't going (because of his agoraphobia) what about HIM babysitting for you? Or maybe leaving the kids with him, plus a sitter to cover all of them. Chances are it will be a much more enjoyable time for everybody - you guys have fun at the wedding without kids underfoot spilling their glass and whining about the food, while the kids can watch movies and make popcorn with grandpa.

If bro and his new wife are organising their own wedding, there will be more glitches like this. it happens. They will frankly be too stressed and too busy for any of these apparent slights to be calculated insults. Trust me - they will be oversights, accidents and not deliberate. No less distressing to you, maybe, but try to make the best of it and do your utmost to enjoy it.

He is trying. (Very, I hear you say.)

Marg

 

[Andy]

Then I have the perfect wedding gift:



A beautiful basket filled with:

• A calling card,
• an address book with your family's address and phone numbers already included,
• a set of Christmas cards preaddressed and stamped (I suppose it would be too tacky to do the same with Thank you notes),
• a watch,
• a calendar (you better check with future wife to make sure the date is correct - wait, better call the pastor/priest's church for the info)
  • Next year's calendar would be awesome so you can mark their anniversary date for him
  • Include her birthday also.
• a road map specific to the two towns involved,
• a watch already set to the correct time,
• a book about effective communication and time management,
• a photo album and a disposable camera,
• a photo album with pictures of the kids from his side of the family,
• a wedding card from the kids on his side of the family.

 

[Star*]

OHHHHHHHHH what Loth said.......snicker, snicker.....Kit kat.....now I'm hungry

 

[TerryJ2]

Aaaarrrgh!
Yup, he's a doofus.
Don't take it personally. Just be thankful you're his sister and not his wife!
I can't imagine not knowing when and where the ceremony will be.
Good luck with-all this!

 

[gcvmom]

Yes, well the cliff-top setting is certainly appropriate for them because it has to be a HUGE leap of faith for her... I think the poor dear just has no idea what she's in for. Then again, they've supposedly been living together for a few years now (yeah, until this past January, I had no idea things had even gone that far), so maybe she's figured him out and maybe he's exactly what she needs, and vice versa. God bless them both

 

[gcvmom]

Andy, I did give Big D an anniversary calendar one year with all the dates filled in for family birthdays (including his own ), etc. He lost it.

His excuse du jour is that he lost everything out of his MS Outlook files and he claims his iPhone screwed it up. I suggested he find a different way of keeping track of things -- like actually writing stuff down on a regular calendar.

Yup, that's Big D, the difficult child. Every family's gotta have one. Or five.