This whole Mother's Day thing makes me sad

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, May 9, 2013.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was reading the posts about Mother's Day and thinking about responding. As I considered what to say, it occurred to me that I have no real memories of anything really good on Mother's Day, just some random holidays which never meant much to me.............as I pondered that looking back I couldn't think of one memorable mothers day which involved my daughter or my mother. It occurred to me that both mother and daughter, although very different in so many important ways, are very similar in one very important way, they are both unable to care for me in a meaningful way. I believe they are both disabled emotionally, incapable of any deep feelings for another, essentially incapable of love. I raised my sister too, who is similar because of a cocktail of mental illnesses she has, making her incapable of in-depth feelings of love as well. I don't know that I ever looked at it quite like that before, but I have been surrounded by women who are incapable of love. Yikes. This makes me very sad.

    The sweetest Mother's Day I recall is when I first had my granddaughter with me, when she was only 11, my mother was also living with me at the time, right after her husband passed away. My granddaughter got up before any of us that Sunday, rode her bike to town and bought my mother and I a dozen long stemmed roses each. She placed them on the dining table with cards she made so when we got up, the flowers were already right there waiting for us. It was so sweet. She is not like my mother, sister or daughter, she is a bright light who has deep compassion and empathy and is capable of great love and depth of feelings. I guess that would have to be the nicest Mother's Day I remember come to think of it. She always puts effort into showing her love for me.

    My granddaughter is working on Sunday for most of the day, so rather then hang around on a day that really holds no meaning for me in ways it does for others, I suggested, after we all have breakfast together, SO and I take a drive to the ocean, drive along the beautiful California coast and stop along the way in those wonderful little coastal towns.............we love to do that. Get out in the fresh air, hike along the waters edge, have lunch in some out of the way place. So, it's a plan, make new memories...........

    Feeling a little melancholy about all of this right now, kind of an odd mixture of sadness for love lost and gratitude for love here right now...............I guess that's just life, huh?
     
  2. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    If I could make you smile a little...

    "Pismo Beach, and ALL the CLAMS we can eat! Hey, this doesn't look like Pismo Beach..."

    (Assuming you're going south and not north...)

    In Santa Barbara there's a skate shop in an old church building. Friends got me a t-shirt from there years ago, I'm sorry it wore out.

    "CHURCH OF SKATIN'".

    Enjoy your day! I probably will just be doing my usual. Saturday is an irrigation day, so Sunday I'll be stomping in the mud with my mud boots doing whatever weeding I can. RN is taking the weekend off, so it'll be a lot lower stress. (Usually irrigation, on Saturdays, means me and the Blacksmith rushing back and forth fixing leaks in the berms where the goats stomped them down, keeping the leaves and schmutz from clogging the gates, and checking on the 2 year old and making sure everyone - animals and kiddos - are OK.)
     
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I have to be honest when I say that Mother's Day makes me sad, too. I feel like I've been cheated out of so much with difficult child, and for me this is just a reminder of that.
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My Mother's day was the garden thing. Not that I'm complaining.........I needed the help. I prefer practical gifts over non practical ones that just sit on a shelf.

    Nichole surprised me with another gift, though, for both mother's day and then another for birthday. The grill was for mother's day. I have what is called a volcano stove, pretty cool in that it take 3 different fuel sources (wood, charcoal, or propane)........we tried it out last weekend and it was great except it made me nervous to have it on the ground around toddlers and puppies. Oh, and it is sort of small so feeding my large brood with it would take forever. Hence the grill from Nichole. I can use the volcano stove for Travis and I when we bbq, but use the larger grill when I'm doing a bbq for the whole family. :)

    Then? I have trees (and the neighbor has trees) that seem to love to shed branches. It's not so bad collecting them and bundling them up but the trash people don't like to take them and there was nothing to do with them except continue to let them pile up. Soooo Nichole found a fire pit that was inexpensive and bought it for my birthday. She knows it works well because she has one and loves it. (she also has the tree/branches issue) :)

    easy child ordered me some mylar bags and O2 absorbers. I've been doing a lot of dehydrating fresh veggies of late.........and need those to store them.

    No plans to actually DO anything on Mother's day. easy child has to work. Nichole I think has to visit her mother in law. And of course they're both moms........so I imagine their dhs have something planned for them as well.

    Over the years............lots of fond Mother's Day memories with my kids. They never ever forgot. I never, in turn, forgot mother in law either, and we took great pains to find something she would like each year......which was fun because it usually involved flowers or plants.

    My Mom? This might come off sounding cold, but she gets a phone call every year. I never forget. But that is it. It's only been in recent years we developed a close relationship........and I'm sorry the woman who actually raised me, whom I *think* of as "mom" passed away when I was 16. But even before my mom and I got close I never forgot her. It was a matter of respect. Whenever I'd complain to my grandma about mom growing up, she drilled that into my head..........even if the only reason I could find for that respect was the simple fact that without her I'd not be here.

    I think too much emphasis is placed on this holiday which was developed for stores to increase sales. It's nice to appreciate your parents, but it makes expectations too high often and well.....I'm more of a appreciate them every day type person. Know what I mean?? Same goes for father's day.
     
  5. nerf - The visual you gave of fixing berms and keeping an eye on goats and kids in the mud gave me a smile. :)

    I'm not sure how I'll feel on Mother's Day. The last five years we haven't really celebrated on the actual day because easy child always has a dance competition that weekend. This year is no exception. We'll be at the competition from 8am to 6 or 7pm. That's ok, it's fun. I will get gifts for my mother and his mother and make sure they get them. easy child makes her confirmation next weekend so we may just combine things and take everyone out for dinner. Not sure yet.

    I am not sure how I will feel about difficult child. Part of me hopes he'll call and wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Part of me doesn't want the stress of talking to him on what should be a fun and happy day. Part of me figures that he'll likely do something nice for the woman he is living with just to spite me. That would hurt.

    One thing I know for sure.... whatever difficult child does is out of my control. I hope that he cares and respects me enough but he may not.

    On a positive..... I know easy child has been planning something for at least 2 weeks because she's been asking subtle (or not so subtle - which is cute) questions and having chats with her dad. :) It will probably be something simple but that's ok. easy child always does things from her heart and one of the best things she gave me last Christmas was not the gift but the note that was attached to it. Makes me cry even now to think about it.

    Happy Mother's Day Weekend to all of you. You have fought hard for your children, loved them and deserve their respect. Even if you don't get it from them - you have it from me.
     
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Recovering, it is a miracle, an amazing, awe-inspiring, miraculous thing that, raised and surrounded by those incapable of love...you DO love.

    Do you remember that old story about the man who, never raised in or loved by a family, had a mirror placed outside the big window at the front of his home? At dinner, and especially, on the Holidays, the man would stand at the window and watch himself, loving and being loved, in the mirror outside.

    Though he'd gone on to create a loving family for himself, he never lost that chill at the bone that comes from feeling "outside" of the warmth and acceptance others take for granted.

    Though I first heard it as a child, I've never forgotten that story.

    Can you see, through my eyes, the triumph in what you have done, in keeping love and compassion and empathy alive in the emotional desert that was your life until your granddaughter was born?

    Sending the gentlest of hugs for you, Recovering.

    Barbara
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My kids have always at least tried...especially when young. Now that they are older, its Billy and Cory who are leading the race. I have become terribly disappointed with Jamie in how he is treating me on holidays and birthdays. I might get a text or a phone call. One phone I wish I had never received because he told me that he had gone to the mall and bought his wife a gold rose for MY birthday. He said if he had more money he would have bought one for his daughter too! I was astounded. He got me nothing but he tells me that he got his wife something. Oh that ticked me off. Needless to say he hasnt gotten a birthday present from me since then.
     
  8. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I don't have any especially happy memories of Mother's Day. I'm lucky to get a off-hand "Happy Mother's Day". Usually, I get nothing. I have to admit, as much as a wish that everyone had happy Mother's Day memories, it's comforting to me that people share that they don't. I actually dread Mother's Day. My difficult children just don't think of me as a person. I'm furniture that sometimes dispenses cash and makes dinner.

    Though, it's been at times a rocky relationship, I will wish my own mom a Happy Mother's day and bring her some flowers. My brother is coming down from Central Cali to get our cooling systems ready for the long hot summer and to visit my Mom. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and have to write my final paper for my degree so that I can graduate in July. I'm going to go on a hike Sunday morning with my furbabies who think I'm the bestest Mom in the world and are always delighted to see me. I will enjoy what is, instead of lamenting what isn't.
     
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hugs.....you are a wonderful mother. I just got the first present (school initiated of course) that i could tell Quin actually worked on for me. I've had random presents etc. really made or bought by others and given to him to give to me.....a few times anyway, but this time he really made it. Of course he said here, and tossed it to me when he came in the door, lol

    I've learned to focus on the intrinsic rewards of being a mom....but sometimes I see the "why i love my mom" cards from my nieces and nephews and do have a pang here and there.....

    For many reasons, most of us here are under-appreciated more than typically so, by our kids. It is what it is as they say. Usually i truly don't mind. Just once in a while, for a minute or so.
     
  10. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Rcovering, hugs to you. As a foster kid, I get where you're coming from. But boy did I do something right with my kids! We have such a great relationship and my grandkids are the light of my life. Mother's Day does come with some sadness too, because while I miss the son that I lost in a car accident 20 years ago, I'm grateful that my heart can hold the sadness and the love side by side. If your trip up the coast includes the Half Moon Bay Area and you're looking for a nice brunch place, check out Flavor. My daughter is working all day to serve other Mothers and would love to have you. We'll be there at 10 am. Oh, and more {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}.
    :smile:
     
  11. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Okay, you guys. I figured out how it is that I make it through the holidays without driving myself batty over what I got vs what I worked for and wanted: denial. :O)

    Someone (brother-in-law) unexpectedly gave me a Mother's Day card yesterday? And it was all I could do not to break down and cry.

    I was so surprised.

    Barbara
     
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