Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Jun 21, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    ....WITH YOUR difficult child. I need some advice before I agree with this, so please shed some light with your advice.

    After easy child let me know that difficult child brought drugs in our home, I have tried to keep easy child from hanging around with him and his buddies. It got to the point the last time he was here that he was forbidden to ride in her car even.

    She has always loved her bro and he being the difficult child that he is would take advantage of her. Taking her things, borrowing money never to be paid back, talking her into doing something she knows better than to do. He would intimidate her at times as well.

    She seems to have a very good understanding of what I am having to do at this time as far as detaching. She also was very close to her bro and worries about him and she still loves him very much.
    That being said....

    She saw him at the store by our house last night. She said he looked bad. She was clearly upset at seeing him that way. I convinced her to call her therapist and talk with her about how she felt. Her therapist suggested she meet with him to talk.

    Well, I am not really sure what I think about this. I want to do what is best for easy child but he is still using. I have filed a report with the police that keeps him from coming here since he broke into the house.

    I guess they could meet at a restaurant or something??

    My fear is he is getting further to the end of his rope. Tomorrow he has to pay po 200 dollars, he is certainly not above trying to get easy child to give him money.

    What would you do???
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I honestly can't believe that the therapist suggested that, knowing difficult child's pattern. I would not encourage her to meet with him, UNLESS you went along with. I mean, she's a big girl, but she is still a kid, and he could definitely intimidate her. He could also hurt her, especially if he is desperate enough. People on drugs do stupid things.

    I think that YOUR suggestion that she call therapist was a great idea. I just think that therapist's suggestion was very generic and not tailor-made for easy child's situation. Does that make any sense? It is obvious that she loves and cares very much for her brother, and that is commendable. But, he is not her responsibility. Having a young person (especially a sibling) learn tough love is not easy.

    That's just my $.02. Prayers and hugs to you and both your children.

    :flower: :kisses:
  3. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I was thinking on the same lines. I then wondered if I was wrong keeping her from her bro?

    Maybe I need to call the therapist and make SURE she knows ALL of the situation. I touched on most problems we have had with him and that he was no longer living here, maybe I need to fill in some blanks?

    But, everyone doesn't believe in detaching and tough love. She may think the whole situation is wrong and I have just turned my back on my son and I am trying to get my daughter to do the same.
  4. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I would encourage the therapist to meet with difficult child! Leave easy child out of it. She also needs to be away from him at this time. Sounds to me like she is too vulnerable and will eventually have to learn detaching skills. Just because they are siblings doesn't mean they will be close. Caring from a safe distance would be my recommendation.....
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    easy child just got in from work.

    I told her to wait before she contacts her bro until monday when her and I can sit and talk with her therapist together.

    It is hard enough trying to keep my distance from difficult child, to see easy child come home almost in tears because she ran into him really makes me question my actions.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Its very hard on the siblings when the difficult child's actions collide into their world. Im not saying that well but my thoughts arent coming together real well right now.

    My boys worry about each other and its commendable but I have to keep telling them they cant be responsible for what cory does. Only he can take the fall for it. They can love him but not be responsible...does that make sense?

    Its really hard on everyone.
  7. Ally

    Ally New Member

    I think that you are doing the right thing. easy child should talk to her therapist about this. You are the one that is detaching, but is easy child?? Until she does, then she will continue to let difficult child take advantage of her.

    Its hard for everyone, not just the parent. easy child needs to realize that by giving him what he wants is not helping him, and she needs to detach too.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    No, no meeting and talking. There is a reason he has no contact with you. It's crazy to suggest the two of them should "get together and talk". -Alyssa
  9. judi

    judi Active Member

    We have little to no contact with our son too. He too brought pot into our home. His older brother (easy child) has no contact with him and hasn't since last July. I would be trying to protect your easy child. There is nothing that can be done for your son until he WANTS it. We make sure that our son knows that we love him and want him to change his lifestyle and offer assistance. So far, he has refused all offers of assistance. I think your daughter needs some protection from the manipulation from her brother. Good luck and gentle hugs.
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think talking to the therapist would be best. If he's not doing well and he's still using then you don't want her getting in the middle of something she didn't mean to because she wants to see him. Just think what would happen if she goes to see him and he gets into some kind of trouble while she's with him and gets dragged into it.

    I would explain that you know she loves her brother, you love him to with all your heart, but that it's important for all to detatch until he can figure out how to straighten his life out.
  11. Scent of Cedar I

    Scent of Cedar I New Member

    I'm sorry, hearthope.

    I had hoped your son was doing better.

    Is it possible that he is missing family and regretting who he has allowed himself to become? (Wasn't he just at easy child's work?)

    If you could approach it from that angle with easy child, you might be able to give her the tools she needs to see him (and try to put that off as long as you can, too) without allowing him to victimize her.

    easy child is vulnerable to difficult child in ways she is too young to understand.

    Right now, much of who she believes herself to be is tied up with her brother and what has happened to him and how he sees her (and you).

    She is likely to feel powerless, and she is likely to believe she can save him ~ that love can save him.

    As hard as it was for any of us to come to this "tough love" position, it will be even more hard for a younger sister to do so. If you can present things in that light ~ that it is the love difficult child feels for you, and for easy child and the rest of the family, that may save him from the trap he has fallen into, you will have given easy child a safe place to stand and a good, strong message she can believe in and repeat to difficult child.

    If you can approach it from that position ~ that you love difficult child and that you miss him too, but that drug use is destroying him ~ maybe even tell easy child to tell difficult child it's not too late to change things back ~ if you can give her good, strong messages to counteract what will probably be difficult child's efforts to blame and triangulate, I think it will be alright.

    You are never going to be able to keep difficult child away from easy child. I think that what will happen next is that difficult child will begin finding fault with the way he was brought up to justify what he has done re: drug use / dropping out of school / screwing up in general.

    It won't be his fault. It will be presented as your fault.

    Unless difficult child changes his ways, easy child will have to deal with this kind of thinking for many years to come. She has lost a brother. Try to keep responsibility for that loss squarely where it belongs ~ on difficult child, and even more pointedly, on difficult child's drug use.

    Grieve his loss openly, and provide many opportunities for easy child to do so, as well.

    Her life has changed irrevocably, too.

    She will never again be who she was before all this happened, either.

    The two messages that might work best for easy child where her brother is concerned could be something like:

    Stop using drugs.

    You were raised better than to do what you are doing.

    Those phrases can be her weapons, too.

    Don't be afraid of this, hearthope.

    easy child has been honest with you. This is your opportunity to help her learn how to cope with a brother who is using drugs. I say that if you love him openly and grieve what has happened to him openly, you will be able to strengthen easy child for what is coming in her life too, thanks to difficult child's drug use.

    So that's the key, as I see it.

    easy child will have to deal with the problems ~ the injuries, the poverty, the irresponsibility and blaming and justification ~ that attend addiction. It isn't fair that she needs to do this while she is still so young, but it is what it is. All any of us can do is hope that some miracle happens and our addicted sons and daughters and brothers will come back to the family clean and whole and themselves, again.

    In the meantime, we all need to learn how to survive the transformation of someone we love into someone who cannot help but place his own self-interest above whatever his or her feelings for us might have been in the past, before the drug use began.

    You have succeeded in walking through the other parts of what has happened to your family, hearthope.

    You will handle this well, too.

    How ARE you doing, anyway? :smile:

  12. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    agreeing with the others here. I too am surprised the therapist thought they should meet. My difficult child 2's therapist is adamant about limited contact with difficult child 1 since difficult child 1 has not been a good influence and was abusive. Even without the abuse though I think he would not want them meeting if we were in your shoes.
    Good luck with this--
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Don't question your actions, HH. Your instincts are good.

    I agree that waiting until you and easy child can talk to her therapist is the best plan for now.

  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    my easy child loved his lil brother so much he was on the roller coaster right with him when ant was drugging. my easy child would try to intervene, and ended up being suckered and robbed constantly by ant.

    my easy child had a nervous breakdown several yrs ago and I think his brother contributed to it. easy child is fine now, but very lil contact with ant.

    your easy child cannot help her brother. he can hurt her though.
    take her to a narc anon mtg so she can learn about that.
  15. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That is a great idea to get her involved in narc anon. Hopefully that would help her be able to realize that she can still love him and detatch at the same time.
  16. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Giving easy child the tools and having her understand what drugs are doing to him is important.

    ditto barbara.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would feel betrayed by the therapist if I were in your shoes. She should be helping easy child deal with her feelings about difficult child. What can she expect to gain out of that? What a burden to put upon her! This should be about how she feels about him. She can investigate those feelings and how to be more comfortable with herself with him in China. If you want him to see the therapist on your dime (and can afford it) to visit the issue of how either of them could benefit from a meeting in a way that you feel comfortable with, fine. But leading easy child to think that there's something immediate to be gained from seeing him is cruel. difficult child's problems are long term, his hurt to her is long term, and one meeting isn't going to do anything but open up old wounds.

    Narc-Anon sounds like a much more reasonable idea.
  18. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you all so much for the feedback.

    I have no one else to get advice from with this situation and I treasure all the comments you all give so whole heartedly.

    I believe it is time to make the meeting. For easy child's sake if nothing else.

    I am going to condense all the concerns that you all have brought up (some I didn't think of at all) and present it to her therapist.

    I am doing surprising well. I got that horrible feeling in my gut when easy child told me he looked bad. She said he was dirty and looked like he had just got off work.

    I thought it over awhile and it was better for him to be in work clothes and dirty than living it up at the restaurant. It was also better that he was struggling than still getting away with taking advantage of others.

    Sometimes I worry and imagine the very worst is happening, but I have learned to handle my thoughts and change what I am thinking.

    I have once again experienced happiness....I thought that emotion had left my grasp forever....

    Thank you all again for the wisdom, if anyone thinks of any else I should bring up to the therapist please let me know.

  19. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    We met with the therapist this morning. She was not aware of the extent of problems we have had with difficult child. Just knowing that cocaine was his drug of choice made her quickly recant the suggestion of easy child meeting him.

    She was wonderful. She embraced all my concerns and commended me on where I was with dealing with a drug using child. I gave all of you the credit!!! I shared about this wonderful site that is so informative and supportive that I don't know what I would have done if I had not found.

    easy child didn't have much to say, but everything was discussed in front of her. She cried thru most of our discussion. The therapist said she will talk about it when she is ready.

    Thanks again to you all for helping me work thru my second guessing